My uncle died on the morning of the 10th of October, 2011.
Coincidentally, it was his daughter's (my cousin's) birthday. I can't imagine receiving a worse present on the day I was meant to celebrate my life.
I'm flying home in roughly 4 hours or so for the funeral. I have applied for Special Consideration for RMIT to delay my assignment's due dates as I will be home for a week, losing precious time to work on them.
The people who I spoke today didn't have much sympathy. :/ They were just like oh okay, you will have to bring documentation yadda yadda yadda within 5 working days of your application. As if I was applying for a holiday. My lecturer just went 'mmhmm' when I told him I was leaving the country for a while. Another one just told me to let him know if my application for a delayed due date was successful.
My sister told me that the people she dealt with at her uni were very sympathetic, telling her they were sorry for our loss blablabla. What a difference. Oh well.
I know I can't do anything if I go home, but I just needed to say goodbye to him.
I remember my sis and I being his favourite nieces. I remember the time he bought us teddy bears, which I told him I'd named 'Maisie' after a cartoon I saw that day. He played with me for a while. He used to go and tapao our favourite tao fu fa when he knew we were visiting his house for breakfast or dinner. He was the only uncle who packed our angpows in all 1 dollar bills for new year when we were kids, cause he knew we'd take the money to school to buy food.
I miss him.
I can't believe he's gone. Although we never spoke much, him being the strong, silent type of guy, his presence was significant during my frequent visits to their home.
He was my favourite uncle, and I will miss him so, so much.
Rest well, dear teow teow. May you drink and be merry with gee teow and daddy up there. :)
I will always remember you.
<3
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Lightning never strikes the same place twice
As if.
I don't think my mom has ever had a break. My dad had cancer since I was 4 years old - I don't ever remember him being healthy and cancer-free. Can you imagine the stress that comes with having to deal with doctors visits, innumerable scans, witnessing your partner endure multiple rounds of body-wrecking chemo and radiation, and the pain of dealing with bad news every time the cancer came back?
Yes, my father beat cancer 3 fucking times - the cancer was going into remission when the competent trainees on duty at the hospital choked him to death with their pride and stubbornness.
So, my fantastic mom, who is one of the best persons I have ever known, had to watch her soulmate die, which I'd imagine is a pain far worse than people nowadays whining about their crush not even noticing them. Aww. Poor kids.
So when that 11-year-ordeal was over, and my mom was finally healing from the shock and pain, my father's brother got cancer. His family was poor and not well-educated about cancer. They turned to my mother for help and care. She helped them. He died.
Then my mother's older sister's husband got stomach cancer. I talked about this a while back. Of course, my mom helped them out greatly, because she already had the required knowledge at her disposal from experience. He died.
The doctor didn't sew him back correctly and let him die because he refused to acknowledge the problem. Pride kills, have I said that already?
THEN, my mother's oldest sister got cancer. My aunt is generally very positive about it though; my mom takes her to doctor's appointments and was there for her when they operated on her and removed the tumour.
Well, that's all fine and dandy so far.
Except, last night my mom messaged me and told me that that same cancer-stricken sister's husband had a heart attack and is in critical condition.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
I would look up and ask God what my family has done for him to constantly pick on us and never leave my mother alone, but that would be ridiculous. This is life, shit happens. There's no point pointing fingers or wailing about it; we can only toughen the shit up and face it.
But that doesn't make me any less upset at the injustice of it all.
Now that my uncle is in hospital, this can only lead to stress for my aunt, which can only hurt her recovery - did I mention her biopsy was POSITIVE? The cancer is still hanging around, refusing to leave. And if my aunt is sick, my mom can only suffer.
How many people does she have to go through sickness and stress with? As far as I know, she has spent her whole life helping others with their illness and watching them suffer - and for some, eventually watching them die.
How can anyone take this much pain?
I am bloody worried for her because she has hypertension and blowing up her blood pressure is shockingly dangerous. If she gets a stroke, I have no idea what I'll do.
When I see those people reposting chain letters on facebook who have no idea what cancer is like, I feel like letting them step into our shoes for a day, just to feel the dread and perpetual worry that comes with being the family of a cancer patient.
Do you know how it feels, being unable to fall asleep, because for a moment there, you imagined your father's breathing stopped? And then, his breathing DID stop and he bolted upright in bed at 2 in the morning, gagging and struggling to breathe, with your mom trying to calm him down and you, you just sitting still in shock and horror, because you know you can't do anything to help at all.
Reposting badly-written junk on facebook to spread awareness? I think we're pretty much aware of cancer. I'm glad you think that doing so somehow helps, but no, it really doesn't. I'm not sure if it's the pent-up rage or what, but you just seem like a pretentious asshole who pretends to have a sense of compassion to me.
Stop. Stopstopstop. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be angry.
My family is probably not the only one to witness multiple tragedies, but I still feel like Life has done us a great injustice, to strike us down so many times and expect us to get up unscarred and full of determination to continue living.
Well, I'm definitely emotionally scarred but well, fuck you. If my turn ever comes, I hope I will not let it get in the way of my determination to live my life as I imagined it.
You strike me once, I'll get up again. You strike me twice, I'll have skinned knees, but I'll get up again. You strike one thousand fucking times, and I'll be up again, waiting to punch the next challenge in the face.
If all this is happening to test our courage, strength and will to live, well I'm going to pass with flying colours. And perhaps the day will come where my family can finally live without pain and worry.
:)
Fight the good fight. If we can't deny cancer from our body, deny it's decaying presence in our souls. We can and WILL be strong in the face of adversity.
Be strong, mommy. <3
I don't think my mom has ever had a break. My dad had cancer since I was 4 years old - I don't ever remember him being healthy and cancer-free. Can you imagine the stress that comes with having to deal with doctors visits, innumerable scans, witnessing your partner endure multiple rounds of body-wrecking chemo and radiation, and the pain of dealing with bad news every time the cancer came back?
Yes, my father beat cancer 3 fucking times - the cancer was going into remission when the competent trainees on duty at the hospital choked him to death with their pride and stubbornness.
So, my fantastic mom, who is one of the best persons I have ever known, had to watch her soulmate die, which I'd imagine is a pain far worse than people nowadays whining about their crush not even noticing them. Aww. Poor kids.
So when that 11-year-ordeal was over, and my mom was finally healing from the shock and pain, my father's brother got cancer. His family was poor and not well-educated about cancer. They turned to my mother for help and care. She helped them. He died.
Then my mother's older sister's husband got stomach cancer. I talked about this a while back. Of course, my mom helped them out greatly, because she already had the required knowledge at her disposal from experience. He died.
The doctor didn't sew him back correctly and let him die because he refused to acknowledge the problem. Pride kills, have I said that already?
THEN, my mother's oldest sister got cancer. My aunt is generally very positive about it though; my mom takes her to doctor's appointments and was there for her when they operated on her and removed the tumour.
Well, that's all fine and dandy so far.
Except, last night my mom messaged me and told me that that same cancer-stricken sister's husband had a heart attack and is in critical condition.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
I would look up and ask God what my family has done for him to constantly pick on us and never leave my mother alone, but that would be ridiculous. This is life, shit happens. There's no point pointing fingers or wailing about it; we can only toughen the shit up and face it.
But that doesn't make me any less upset at the injustice of it all.
Now that my uncle is in hospital, this can only lead to stress for my aunt, which can only hurt her recovery - did I mention her biopsy was POSITIVE? The cancer is still hanging around, refusing to leave. And if my aunt is sick, my mom can only suffer.
How many people does she have to go through sickness and stress with? As far as I know, she has spent her whole life helping others with their illness and watching them suffer - and for some, eventually watching them die.
How can anyone take this much pain?
I am bloody worried for her because she has hypertension and blowing up her blood pressure is shockingly dangerous. If she gets a stroke, I have no idea what I'll do.
When I see those people reposting chain letters on facebook who have no idea what cancer is like, I feel like letting them step into our shoes for a day, just to feel the dread and perpetual worry that comes with being the family of a cancer patient.
Do you know how it feels, being unable to fall asleep, because for a moment there, you imagined your father's breathing stopped? And then, his breathing DID stop and he bolted upright in bed at 2 in the morning, gagging and struggling to breathe, with your mom trying to calm him down and you, you just sitting still in shock and horror, because you know you can't do anything to help at all.
Reposting badly-written junk on facebook to spread awareness? I think we're pretty much aware of cancer. I'm glad you think that doing so somehow helps, but no, it really doesn't. I'm not sure if it's the pent-up rage or what, but you just seem like a pretentious asshole who pretends to have a sense of compassion to me.
Stop. Stopstopstop. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be angry.
My family is probably not the only one to witness multiple tragedies, but I still feel like Life has done us a great injustice, to strike us down so many times and expect us to get up unscarred and full of determination to continue living.
Well, I'm definitely emotionally scarred but well, fuck you. If my turn ever comes, I hope I will not let it get in the way of my determination to live my life as I imagined it.
You strike me once, I'll get up again. You strike me twice, I'll have skinned knees, but I'll get up again. You strike one thousand fucking times, and I'll be up again, waiting to punch the next challenge in the face.
If all this is happening to test our courage, strength and will to live, well I'm going to pass with flying colours. And perhaps the day will come where my family can finally live without pain and worry.
:)
Fight the good fight. If we can't deny cancer from our body, deny it's decaying presence in our souls. We can and WILL be strong in the face of adversity.
Be strong, mommy. <3
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Simple Plan
Yesterday, I went for Simple Plan's concert here in Melbourne. There was a lot of nostalgia involved, SP being the first concert I ever went to. That was when I was 14-years-old - it's been 6 whole years since then.
They used to be my favourite band before I shifted into teeny-dark-and-emo mode and started listening to Good Charlotte more. I know right? Good Charlotte wtf haha. At the time I thought that I had 'matured' and 'graduated' from whining about my life and how no one understands me.
But after watching them perform again, so many different feelings came back. Nostalgia, of course. Also, an explicable feeling of 'everything's gonna be alright' came over me. Some time when I was about 15 or 16, I stopped listening to them because I thought it was disgraceful to listen to adults sing about struggling with loneliness and lost love.
But now I see they aren't whining at all. The lyrics appear so, but listening to their cheerful, upbeat banter and generally clean and positive attitude towards life, it's hard to remember why I imagined them as a self-pitying, emotionally immature band.
As I listened to old SP classics like 'I'm Just a Kid' and 'I'd Do Anything', old memories and feelings awakened...and I began to remember how much the songs used to speak to me when I was young and confused. I suddenly remembered feeling lost, ugly, different, lonely and rejected. I remembered playing their songs over and over on my iPod as I went to sleep and feeling comforted. It sounds ridiculous, but then, Simple Plan helped me feel not so alone.
Surprisingly, some of the seemingly simple lyrics still resounded deeply with my emotions. Now I can't help but feel a strong affection for the band, who probably helped many other sesat preteens like I once was, get through difficult patches in their lives.
I teared up when 'Perfect' came on.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by memories of me fighting with my father about not trying hard enough. I was the epitome of wasted potential. Now I think about all the wasted time fighting over petty things...not wanting to study, arguing why add maths was useless and how I didn't care about failing. The arguments often ended up with him furious or tired and me slamming my door and hurting myself to 'get back at him.'
How stupid I was.
I still remember our last conversation. My dad was no longer working at the time; my mom joked about cutting off his 'allowance' if he didn't 'do his job' - which was tutoring me in add maths (which I was failing repeatedly.) I crawled to his bedside and we made a deal that I would try harder now that he had time to help me improve.
Not 4 hours later, he was gone.
I never got an A in the end. Never mind that I raised my grade from a fail to a B3...I don't know if would have made a difference even if I had gotten an A1. I always felt like I was a disappointment anyway. I'm just glad that we didn't said our last goodbye with an argument.
I would hate myself forever if I had.
I'm sorry. @__@ This was supposed to be a cheerful post about a cheerful band, and it ended up with me crying over the past. :/ That just proves how deeply their music resonates with my feelings.
I'm not saying they make the best music or are the most sophisticated writers (far from it), but if you can relate to the message they are sending, they suddenly become powerful emotional catalysts, capable of making you feel happy, sad, secure...not alone.
:)
I do think they are a great inspiration for tweens and young teenagers. I don't know many other bands that can relate to us at that age, and not bring sex and drugs into the picture...much like music nowadays. They send a positive message without being preachy, whiny or inundated with self-pity, and I like that.
Sorry I don't have any good pictures of Jeff and Seb. Pierre and David stole the show with their charisma and stage presence, and I used to think Chuck was the cutest when I was a kid, so all the good pics are of them. :P
This used to be my anthem growing up. When you're constantly branded an outsider, it can be difficult to maintain your self-confidence. I used to just imagine myself as someone awesome who would grow up to pwn all the naysayers - and I believe I'm well on my way. :)
They used to be my favourite band before I shifted into teeny-dark-and-emo mode and started listening to Good Charlotte more. I know right? Good Charlotte wtf haha. At the time I thought that I had 'matured' and 'graduated' from whining about my life and how no one understands me.
As I listened to old SP classics like 'I'm Just a Kid' and 'I'd Do Anything', old memories and feelings awakened...and I began to remember how much the songs used to speak to me when I was young and confused. I suddenly remembered feeling lost, ugly, different, lonely and rejected. I remembered playing their songs over and over on my iPod as I went to sleep and feeling comforted. It sounds ridiculous, but then, Simple Plan helped me feel not so alone.
Surprisingly, some of the seemingly simple lyrics still resounded deeply with my emotions. Now I can't help but feel a strong affection for the band, who probably helped many other sesat preteens like I once was, get through difficult patches in their lives.
I teared up when 'Perfect' came on.
Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by memories of me fighting with my father about not trying hard enough. I was the epitome of wasted potential. Now I think about all the wasted time fighting over petty things...not wanting to study, arguing why add maths was useless and how I didn't care about failing. The arguments often ended up with him furious or tired and me slamming my door and hurting myself to 'get back at him.'
How stupid I was.
I still remember our last conversation. My dad was no longer working at the time; my mom joked about cutting off his 'allowance' if he didn't 'do his job' - which was tutoring me in add maths (which I was failing repeatedly.) I crawled to his bedside and we made a deal that I would try harder now that he had time to help me improve.
Not 4 hours later, he was gone.
I never got an A in the end. Never mind that I raised my grade from a fail to a B3...I don't know if would have made a difference even if I had gotten an A1. I always felt like I was a disappointment anyway. I'm just glad that we didn't said our last goodbye with an argument.
I would hate myself forever if I had.
In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
I'm sorry. @__@ This was supposed to be a cheerful post about a cheerful band, and it ended up with me crying over the past. :/ That just proves how deeply their music resonates with my feelings.
I'm not saying they make the best music or are the most sophisticated writers (far from it), but if you can relate to the message they are sending, they suddenly become powerful emotional catalysts, capable of making you feel happy, sad, secure...not alone.
:)
I do think they are a great inspiration for tweens and young teenagers. I don't know many other bands that can relate to us at that age, and not bring sex and drugs into the picture...much like music nowadays. They send a positive message without being preachy, whiny or inundated with self-pity, and I like that.
Sorry I don't have any good pictures of Jeff and Seb. Pierre and David stole the show with their charisma and stage presence, and I used to think Chuck was the cutest when I was a kid, so all the good pics are of them. :P
I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run.
They love to watch me fall
They think they know it all
I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world
This used to be my anthem growing up. When you're constantly branded an outsider, it can be difficult to maintain your self-confidence. I used to just imagine myself as someone awesome who would grow up to pwn all the naysayers - and I believe I'm well on my way. :)
Pierre in 2005 and in 2011
Thank you Simple Plan, for being part of my life growing up. <3
Aiming for HDs all the way and making you proud, dad!
(:
Aiming for HDs all the way and making you proud, dad!
(:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)