The End of a Friendship

The end of a friendship.

I've not completely cut ties with anyone since I was about 15. I rarely bond and make friends with people, so it would be a complete shame if I had to let one of my few friends go for petty reasons or small fights.

When I say 'cut ties' it sounds like I'm throwing a fit and refusing to communicate with the offending party any more, but there's more to it than that. Sometimes, a friend just stops being a friend. You know how they say some couples just fall out of love after a while? It's the same with friendship - sometimes it just doesn't last.

When exactly she stopped being my friend, I can't say.

The last friendship I terminated when Iw as 15 years of age, was when my Dota buddy got a girlfriend and put all his friendships on hold. He kept avoiding us to go out with her and couldn't stop talking about her when we WERE together. One day, we fixed a time to play together and surprise, surprise. He was late. He said he had things to do and would we please wait for him? Sure, we said. Since there were a few of us online we'd just chat and hang out until he was free. We waited until both conversation and patience ran dry. We called him 2 hours after the predetermined meeting time and guess what he said?

"Oh, my girlfriend asked me to go out, guess I'll play with you guys another time!"

It was the last straw in a string of broken agreements and abandoned appointments. At first it was fine - after all, the bloke just scored himself a girlfriend - a bit of distance was expected. But after a while, the constant rejections and making us wait for nothing just got tiring. And when it finally grew so habitual that he was no longer apologetic? That was the end.

I'm sorry. You are not treating us like friends any more. You treat friends with respect and care.

When you put your significant other so far above us that you cease to treat us with courtesy, that's when a friendship ends.

So what happened to him? I don't know for sure, but I think he's still happy with his girlfriend. The only times he's ever tried to communicate with me again was to ask me for favours - liking facebook pages and such. You know who you are.

I'm glad he got his version of a happy ending and I'm sorry to see our friendship crumble. But these things happen. Time passes, people change, their priorities change. One day, you just find that you are no longer part of someone's life. It hurts, but it's better to just let go than to frustrate yourself trying to 'repair' things, to revert them to the way things were.

This year, I've had to do it again.

We met in first year of my degree course. It was a tentative and unlikely friendship, brought together by one common denominator - a boy who was my ex-foundation mate and her fellow countryman. She was friendly and timid, but full of giggles and quirks once you got to know her.

At the end of that year, she found a boyfriend. The three of us became fast friends, scheduling our classes together, eating together, working on assignments together. They had excessive amounts of PDA - canoodling in public, lap-sitting, full on cuddles and kisses, but unexpectedly, I was fine with it. I liked the guy as much as I liked the girl, so it wasn't as revolting as you'd imagine. A friend asked me how I could stomach such gross displays of public affection; I just shrugged and said that I'm already used to it. And I was.

At some point in the second year, things started to change. She started demanding more and more from him. He couldn't eat a cookie by himself - she had to personally feed it to him. She can't work alone in uni - he has to accompany her at all times. He's not allowed to go to the toilet - can't you see she's sleeping on his lap? How dare he move!

I began to grow irritated with this behaviour, but for the most part I bit my tongue, hoping it was a phase that would pass. God knows some bystanders found it cute and endearing. In my perspective, it was a case of affectionate clinginess that seemed cute at the beginning, but began to spiral out of control into the twisted monster that is obsessive possessiveness.

She began to be more and more self-centered as the boy constantly catered to her every whim. Things that were done as favours began to be taken for granted.

One night, we stayed late at uni to work because we hadn't finished an assignment that was due soon. I finished mine some time around dinner time, so I asked if she was going to stay for dinner; if so, I'd wait and eat with them, if not I'd go and takeaway some food for myself on the way home.

She said she would stay and work, then go for dinner before she went home. So I continued to do stuff while waiting for her to finish up. She daydreamed between spells of productivity and was constantly distracted. She also complained she was tired when the boy asked her why she wasn't working. After a while, the boy and I grew hungry so we asked her whether we could go and eat first, then come back to continue working.

She refused to budge, insisting that she still had lots of work to do. So we continued waiting. 1 hour turned into 3 hours and I was almost past the point of absolute hunger. Fed up, I asked her if she was ready to eat now.

She responded by saying she was no longer hungry and wanted to go home.

I felt like throwing a chair at her. She allowed us to wait on the false promise of having dinner together, and when I grew fed up with her dawdling, she responded with 'fine, I'll just go home then.'

What the fucking fuck?

I slammed the door on my way out, hardly believing she could be so inconsiderate. The best part was she didn't even feel that she did anything wrong or was too stupid to realize it. Her boyfriend certainly noticed, and apologized to me when we got home. Why on earth was HE apologizing for HER inconsideration?

I should have known then I was facing something that I'm all too familiar with. My relationship with Sam has always been questioned using this term, and oh, how I hated it and all its implications.

But this was a true case of a pussy-whipped guy.

Further evidence:

When the guy and I worked a part-time job together, he had to ask her permission to eat lunch with me after work. She grudgingly gave her permission for him to lunch with me, but forbade him for staying for dinner.

I could understand if she intended to have dinner with him as a couple later, but NO, she just wanted him home. And why the fuck does he have to report to her in the first place? How truly powerless are you to have to ask for permission to interact with people other than your girlfriend?

I never ate alone with him again after that day. Even when I was with another female friend, he was forbidden to eat with both of us without her presence.

"She's doesn't like me hanging out with other girls when she's not around," he said apologetically.

I stared at him incredulously. I thought he was joking, but I soon found out it was all too horrifyingly, disgustingly true.

For god's sake, I'm supposed to be her friend! And I have a boyfriend, with whom I've had a relationship more than double hers in duration.

Are we both so untrustworthy that we can't be allowed to eat together without supervision? Is she really so insecure that she feels her boyfriend will run into the arms of another girl while she wasn't around? Is she just too selfish to share him with other people?

The two conclusions I came up with was that she was either jealous or insecure. Both of which are extremely unattractive traits. And what does it say about our friendship when you restrict my interaction with your boyfriend? Do I look like a cunning boyfriend-stealer? Jesus Christ, much as I like the boy, I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. Besides, anyone who really knows me will know how besotted I am with MY own boyfriend.

Anyway, I let that incident pass.

Fast forward 1 year and many whines and pouts later, I have become the camel with the broken back that was just whipped with that final straw.

The 3 of us and another female programmer teamed up for our important final year project. After our second presentation which went exceptionally well, we had a group meeting sans programmer, so it just the 3 of us.

The boy and I began addressing the feedback given by the panel of lecturers. While this went on, the girl just slept on the desk, only waking up once to show us a video that was supposed to be her way of addressing a visual problem of our game.

Fair enough, I was used to her being unresponsive during group meetings - last year, when pressed for her opinion by the guy, she retorted saying she had no opinion and she was TIRED, dammit! She threw her metcard onto the table in a small fit of temper, and then sported a sour face for the rest of the meeting. I wasn't the only one who noticed - in fact, this was related to me by my other friend and group member as I had only arrived after it had happened. The only thing I could testify to was her black face.

So, the fact that she was sleepy and unhelpful again during this meeting wasn't new to me. We continued to discuss further issues about the game when she interrupted, telling her boyfriend that she was tired and wanted to go home.

The boy told her that we were having a very important discussion and to please wait for a while. She grumbled and went back to sleep. After a while, I was voicing an idea halfway when she blatantly interrupted me and addressed her boyfriend.

"When can we go baaaaack? I've been waiting, and I'm tired and I want to go home nowwwwwww!"

I really felt like hitting her for being so fucking rude, interrupting me AGAIN as she often does when I am talking to the boy. However, I just told her, as calmly as I could (which wasn't very calmly, I admit), that if she wanted to go home so badly, then please do so - no one was stopping her from leaving.

Then she really lost it. She grabbed her bag violently and said FINE, she will leave now. As she got up, her boyfriend grabbed her arm and called her name. She shoved him back forcefully and hit him (with her bag or arm I don't know, his head obscured my view, but there was definitely the sound of impact).

"Let me GO! I'm going now, don't... *shove*...DON'T!"

She then stomped out, leaving behind a shell-shocked classroom. A classmate called after her, asking her if everything was alright; she responded by slamming the door. I think I may have shouted 'the hell is your problem?' as she left, but I'm not too sure, it could have been in my head. Everything just happened so quickly.

"Why is she so upset?" I asked him.
He seemed stunned. "I don't know."

After a brief silence, we continued and finished our discussion within five minutes.

Let's address the things that are wrong in that scenario.

1. Why does she get to sleep during group meetings and offer 0 feedback? Is she a group member or not? Does she really have no opinions of her own?

2. Why is she allowed to constantly interrupt other people's conversations with no repercussions whatsoever? It's fucking disrespectful and infuriating.

3. Why do we have to leave when she leaves? Her boyfriend doesn't live on the way to her home. Even if he does, walking her back is just a courtesy, not a privilege to be taken for granted and worth throwing a tantrum over if revoked.

4. Why is she allowed to throw tantrums like this and be forgiven without any apologies whatsoever?

5. Why the hell is she allowed to be physically rough with her boyfriend and he just sits there and accepts it? God knows if the roles were reversed, people would be horrified at a guy hitting his girlfriend. Furthermore, she had just caused a very big scene in public when he did nothing wrong. Doesn't he feel any indignation at all?

Perhaps she's just so harmless and vulnerable-looking that we constantly forgive her for all these terrible behaviour. How terrible could such a pretty and delicate-looking girl be?

Fucking terrible, that's how. I can't tell you how many times I've been ignored or interrupted in a conversation. How many times I've been made to feel like I wasn't there while she fully focused on talking to her boyfriend, who, to his credit, always tried to make me feel welcome. How many times we've had to compromise to suit her wishes - to eat at certain places, meet at certain times cause she can't wake up early, stay over at uni because she just can't fucking start her work early and focus when she's actually doing it. Though that only applies to her boyfriend now, because I gave up staying over with them after I realized she doesn't care if I do or not - as long as he doesn't go home, she is content.

And it's not all sweet requests like 'oh baby, will you stay over and accompany me tonight while I work on my assignments?' I know for sure that he dislikes staying over, but she just needles and guilts him over and over until he relents and agrees to stay over although his home and comfortable bed is a mere 10 minute walk away, not to mention that he has already finished his assignment weeks ago so he doesn't have to pull an all-nighter at all.

But I didn't care cause he was accommodating all her selfish and spoilt requests, not me. I detest her behaviour and treatment of him, but I never confronted her about it because he seems to accept it and he's the boyfriend and he puts up with it. It's really none of my business, is it?

But he's my friend too and I really hate watching a good, hard-working and smart boy being emotionally bullied by a lazy, manipulative girl who just pouts and whines when she doesn't get her way.

It's fucking tragic, if you ask me.

It was none of my business until she started affecting me with her growing disregard for me. Every time she interrupts a conversation by bringing up an inane subject like 'oh what should we eat, I'm hungryyyyyyy', I feel like pushing her face into the table.

Every time she does something so inconsiderate like letting people wait forever for her, and she feigns stupidity or is completely unapologetic about it, I feel like pulling her hair out.

I know, violence is very unbecoming of me, but when it's all confined in my head, I deem it completely acceptable.

She can't really be that stupid or ignorant to realize when she's inconveniencing people around her, is she? It's perfectly possible that she is - but when I feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt, that just leaves me to assume she just doesn't care about anyone but herself, which is just as bad.

So, this is a a goodbye letter of sorts. Goodbye to the good times we once had, goodbye to our unexpectedly formed and horribly ended friendship.

I wish you will grow up to realize that the world isn't at your bidding. That saying 'IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, THEN DON'T WAIT FOR ME' in an angry voice isn't excusing you from the fact that EXPECT others to wait for you. We are obliged to wait for you, because friends do wait for friends; but when you drag out the waiting time to 10 times the length it should have been because you are just SO sluggish in your movements, you ARE being inconsiderate. You get angry when we ask you to hurry up, and you get angry if we don't wait. It's always a lose-lose situation with you, isn't it?

I wish you will grow up one day to realize that pouting and throwing temper tantrums won't always get you your way in life. I wish you will grow up to realize that looking young and vulnerable will not melt everyone's hearts.

I would wish you a happy life and relationship ahead with the boy that is my friend and your boyfriend, but I won't, because I honestly believes he deserves so much more than what you offer him now - which is a life of indignity as more of a servant than a boyfriend.

Good luck to you. Unless you apologize and change your ways, we will be just classmates and group mates from now on; consider our friendship terminated.

Narcissism

"Stephanie, I have always said that you are a pretty girl, but.."

Your nose is too big...and it's crooked.

You're too skinny, like a scarecrow.

You have no boobs.

Your lips are too thin.

Your hair is a terrible mess.

You have big pores.

You're too tall for a girl.

Your teeth are not perfectly straight...and you had braces for 7 years!

You still get pimples sometimes although you're no longer a teen.

Your left ear is higher than your right.

Are you slightly cross-eyed?

Your wrists are impossibly tiny...I feel like I could snap them like twigs.

I know some people don't mean it, but sometimes the insult that follows stings enough to nullify the preceding compliment.

I know what thin privilege is, and I am honestly thankful that I am under- rather than overweight, because the flak people get for being fat way outweighs the snarks that skinny people receive.

My attitude towards negative comments towards my appearance is normally "I'm happy with myself, why should I let YOU make me feel bad?" But hearing relatives constantly talk about my flaws (in the 'YES you are pretty, BUT...' format) can take its toll.

I know no one is meant to be perfect, but do you begrudge me the hope that some day I will become perfect, at least in my own eyes? Yes, I am a bit of a narcissist and I know no one really cares about what I think and how I look, but I like looking at pretty people...and I just feel sad I can't count myself among them (the pretty people I enjoy looking at.)

Some days when I have nothing else to do, I like to just sit down in front of a mirror and observe my face in detail.

On good days (high self-esteem aka pretty days), I tell myself that petite lips are dainty and cute; my nose is strong and has 'personality'; I have big round eyes that defy the asian stereotype.

On bad days (low self-esteem aka ugly days), I wish for rhinoplasty and a tiny ski-slope nose, fuller lips, long eyelashes and a symmetrical face.

I guess ultimately it's not the way we look, but what and how we choose to see things.

Also, I admit to not striving hard enough to improve myself up to my own standards. That's why I salute those people who are go-getters, who exercise to reach their ideal weight, who work for the money to go for the double-lid surgery they've been wanting, who practise and perfect their make-up application to enhance their good features and hide perceived flaws.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting dissatisfaction in oneself, but I do support in doing what makes you feel happier and more confident.

I do not understand those people who are against girls who opt to have cosmetic surgery or wear make-up every day.

If they look good doing so, they are 'cheaters.'
If they don't, they're 'such failures that even surgery and make-up can't cure their ugliness.'

:/

With these people as your critics, there really is no way to win...except to be born naturally pretty. (And even so, everyone's idea of beauty is different.)

If anything, THAT'S unfair. Why should someone who was born looking like a supermodel have more compliments and praise than a person who invests time and effort, and THEN succeeds at making him/herself look good?

You don't like imperfect people, and you don't like people who try their best to be as perfect as possible.

I have never been against make-up, surgery or so-called 'unnatural' ways of enhancing ones beauty. One reason I never wear make-up is because I think I actually look worse with it due to my lack of experience applying it.

Also, I'm afraid that one day when I actually succeed in applying make-up that makes me look better, people will still go: 'see that girl, she wear make-up also not pretty one.'

As unlikely as someone would be rude/brave enough to say that to my face, I'm still afraid of the possibility that I will never be good enough even if I try.

:/

I guess it all comes back to my fear of failure.

Anyway, this whiny, self-indulgent post has been long enough. Signing off now before I feel disgusted with myself.

Good night :P