Body-shaming is not okay

One thing I really, really cannot stand are people shaming other people for their appearance.

I just read an article on facebook, apparently written by a Malaysian who was seated next to a fat person on a flight. The author was repulsed at first sight, but grew to realize the fat woman was a beautiful lady because 'her personality was beautiful.'

Hopefully [this] links to the post on Facebook.

My first reaction was to roll my eyes. I don't know what it is with people who automatically feel disgusted by fat people and treat them worse than they would an average-sized person, just because they don't look the way you think they should. But anyway, I'm not here to complain about the author. But holy shit, the comments are filled with such contempt and self-righteousness that I feel like tearing my hair out!

***

"the fact that she is funny has nothing to do with the need to lose weight. fat people eat too much, consume too much of the earth's resources. I will love her, hug her and be friends with her. BUT she still need to lose weight."

What the fuck is wrong with you? Consuming too much of Earth's resources? Some of the biggest eaters I know are skinny guys; weight doesn't always directly relate to how much you eat. Anyway, how much more can fat people eat that they are dangerously depleting the earth's resources? /eyeroll

At best, it's a pitifully ignorant excuse to pick on fat people. And wow, you will love her and hug her and be friends with her? You must be such an forgiving and accepting person! Here, have 10 pats on the back for your awesomeness!

***

"I really hate it when people just get upsets when people is telling a them to lose weight, they are merely stating a fact. It's just like a person telling another person to stop smoking."

You know why people get upset when others tell those people to lose weight? Because you are a nosy prick who thinks you know what's best for someone, and feel that because 'your intentions were good' that it is okay to tell them someone that THEY need to change themselves BECAUSE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH HOW THEY LOOK, ALTHOUGH IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

The difference between smokers and fat people: smokers can harm people around them as well as themselves; fat people only harm themselves (if they are even unhealthy at all, which YOU DON'T KNOW).

(To be clear, I have nothing against considerate smokers; it's the inconsiderate ones I cannot stand. The ones who smoke in non-designated smoking areas, who throw cigarette butts everywhere and accidentally stub people with smoldering cigarette ends in clubs. If you have the right to smoke, then I have the right to breathe clean air too, and that is why considerate smokers smoke OUTDOORS or in designated smoking areas. But I digress.)

***

"What I believe is, there's no such thing as to "born fat and not able to lose weight". NO! The truth is as long as you are not dead and however low your metabolism might be, YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT.  

And I hate it when they just won't admit that they are simply eating too much and their lifestyles are way too sedentary.  

Yes, she has a good personality,I don't doubt that, but guess what? A good personality will not bring you good health."

Again, I hate it when people get presumptuous about MY health and pretend to care when IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. Every time someone says that I'm so skinny that I can't be healthy, I feel like punching them in the face. For the record, I am considered healthy and rarely ever fall sick. The only problem with me is my relatively high cholesterol, which ironically, is generally attributed to fat people. -__-

The point is, you simply cannot tell a person's state of health by their appearance alone, and to presume things about people is pure arrogance. To tell them that THEY should change because YOU don't THINK they're healthy? Well, if that doesn't stink of arrogance and lack of empathy, then you should probably take a moment to step back and think about it.

***

Anyway, I just got really irritated at these self-righteous people saying 'oh fat people are just making up excuses for their obesity'. Excuses? For what? Exactly what crime are they committing that they need to make up 'excuses' for themselves?

If they are indeed obese and unhealthy due to overeating and an unhealthy diet and lying to themselves about it, how does this affect you? If they AREN'T obese and unhealthy due to their own inability to maintain a healthy diet, again, WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU? Are you so affected by their supposedly feigned ignorance/acceptance of their weight, that you would feel better if they were unhappy about it instead?

Why do people get so offended when people have different ideals about body weight and appearance? If a fat person is happy being fat, then good for the person! If I like being skinny, then let me BE skinny.

Interestingly enough, most people who condemn the obese for being unhealthy are the same people who tell me to eat more candy and fatty food so I can 'look better'. Hypocrites? Indeed. These 'concerned' people don't give two shits about your health. They just want you to look the way they think is most acceptable; if you don't, then they feel it's their sole responsibility to make sure you understand that your appearance is NOT acceptable.

Last week, I went for a full body massage with my mom. The masseuse kept harping on and on about how skinny I was, and how I should eat more while clucking her tongue like a concerned mother hen. Between these comments about my weight, she made sure to exclaim how much she wanted to be skinny like me and that my body was 'beautifully skinny.'

So what is it you want? Am I attractive or am I not? You like my skinniness but at the same time you want me to eat more to rectify my skinniness. Do you just want me to eat more and look more like you so you can feel better about yourself? The funniest part was that SHE WAS SKINNY TOO. Why she was feeling envious, I do not know.

Have we become so used to conforming to society's expectations that we HAVE to feel bad about perceived imperfections?

Well, if you want to be unhappy about your appearance, then by all means, go ahead. But DON'T try to bully others to buy into YOUR ideals about how we should look.

If not, you'll be as much of as an asshole as those people who made the above comments.

Promote acceptance; don't be an asshole.

Body-shaming is NOT okay.

Updates and hamsup uncles

Hello! I'm bored today and I've resolved not to take afternoon naps anymore because they lead to super late-night gaming (5am+) and then I'm even more fatigued the next day =__= So I will blog to stay awake instead. :D

I'm very proud to announce that I've cleaned out my wardrobe for the first time in my life! Now my closet doors can actually close (and lots of underprivileged kids will get some clothes too!)

Yea, all those are the clothes I'm giving away/throwing out. Damn a lot right? No wonder I have 5 singlets to a hangar. There's clothes from when I was like 5 years old in those piles too :/ Still in good condition! I expected moth holes and discolouration but only the white clothes really suffered through the years collecting dust in my closet.

Anyway, that's one thing off my checklist from the previous post which is as follows in case you don't remember (of course you don't remember >_> who are you, my stalker?

1. Clean my wardrobe, donate unwanted clothes to charity
DONE!

2. Clean downstairs shelves and re-home the poor books lying on my floor collecting dust
It's so hot every day I just can't be bothered to go downstairs and organize shelves (and marinate myself in dust)


3. Learn to speak like a gentle woman (I'm still loudspeaker-loud when I get excited, sigh)
I still screech when I get overexcited. My poor bf can attest to that, yesterday I all but screamed in his ear when he was going to die in Diablo cause he was standing in a pool of lava...he died anyway so my screaming was useless :(


4. Learn to drive
I was very excited to learn to drive with Megan but after I did some research I got so freaked out by all the bad reviews for pretty much every center nearby I was totally put off x__x Some people say certain instructors will constantly ffk, say car break down la, ask for more money la, delay your L license, refuse to give license until you bribe them etc etc. And the problem is you have no idea whether the instructor you get will be a nice and honest person or not!


Wtf is this man? I pay money then I should have a straightforward experience right? Give you money, you give me license gao dim! But unfortunately, that apparently does not happen around these parts. Sorry Megan! D:


5. Practice drawing
I got software from Helena and that's about it :/ I haven't even installed it yet but I will do so right after I finish this post!


So what have I been doing all this time?
Playing Diablo 3.

I hate to enforce the 'girls can't play games' stereotype so I've been trying my best to not do stupid things. Eh, when I played with my bf and his friends/brother I always end up soloing the bosses cause I'm a survivor ok! They all mati katak cause kena whack and I'm still running around beating the shit out of the boss! Wo hen qiang ni zhi dao ma?! But that's only in Hell difficulty...not doing so well in Inferno atm because I normally play with the bf only and neither of us can tank :(

***Diablo 3 jargon starts here***

Anyway, I need lots of gold now cause repair costs have increased so I've found this nifty little farming spot that earns me around 100k/30mins with 195% gold find. It's not the best, but it's what I can manage so far with my so-so equipment.

So basically you start your quest at Act 1, Chapter 2.1 - Find the hidden cellar.

For the first time you TP to the waypoint (the only one on the list) and head northwest and exit the gates. Keep going a short distance and 70% of the time, the Dank Cellar will spawn. In Dank Cellar there is a 100% chance that Sarkoth will spawn. Just nuke the shit out of him, collect money, TP home and leave (saves 5 seconds) and restart game at the same point. Now you will spawn at the checkpoint right at the gates so it's even nearer for you to go and check if Dank Cellar spawned in the map. Rinse and repeat for $$$!

Skills I use for farming this area:

Primary: Firebomb, Ghost Bomb rune for AoE attack

Secondary: Zombie Charger, Zombie Bears rune (I use elective mode to assign it to this slot)

1st Skill: Spirit Walk, Jaunt rune to extend walking time to 3 seconds

2nd Skill: Fetish Army, Fetish Ambush rune that has AoE damage when fetishes are summoned

3rd Skill: Soul Harvest, Siphon rune to suck intelligence and regain hp for emergencies (you will be very fragile once you replace all your items will gold find items)

4th Skill: Gargantuan, Restless Giant rune to send your pet into Berserk mode (the point is to dispatch the opponent as quickly as possible for efficiency.)

So basically, you Spirit Walk from the checkpoint to the Dank Cellar. If the Cellar is open:

1. Enter the Cellar

2. Summon Gargantuan

3. Approach Sarkoth and his minions

4. Soul Harvest while standing in the middle of them to +dmg

5. Fetish Army immediately after

6. Spam the shit out of your Zombie Charger Bears until you run out of mana

7. Continue hitting with your Firebomb until the whole pack is dead

8. ??? Profit! $$$

You should kill them in under 5 seconds if Sarkoth doesn't try to escape...if not you're doing something wrong :/

As you can see, the process is fairly quick, so speed is the key to earning more gold. Don't stop to open barrels, don't stop to kill zombies outside the cellar...just check if it's open and go straight in to kill Sarkoth. If the cellar doesn't spawn, TP back to base to leave game and try again.


Anyway, just to be clear, this farming method is far from the best and is only for people who don't have friends to form a party with and whose class/equipment is not good enough to solo farm in places with stronger bosses (and better loot). Sarkoth is fairly harmless, so don't worry about incurring repair costs.


So yes, have fun!

***Diablo 3 geekery ends here***

Overall, I'm having fun chilling out and enjoying my very laidback holiday ^__^


Megan told me that Etude House brought in some lovely matte nail polish so I went to check it out with the bf. He chose a pretty lavender for me and the salesgirls reaffirmed that it's the best colour among the matte range so I purchased it for only RM7! Hah, bf has good taste :p Normal price is RM10, but there was a 30% discount when I visited, so it's even more worth it!

Nice right! :D

Anyway, one thing I noticed about a group Malaysian men is that they are fucking hamsup and rude! Whenever I go to places like Lowyat confirm some guys will do something creepy. That day when I went to buy my pc, 1 guy totally pissed me off. I didn't see him but my bf who was standing behind me did. I was checking out stuff when this middle-eastern man walked up behind me and clucked his tongue, indicating his disapproval at my supposedly skimpy attire, but CONTINUED TO STAND THERE AND STARE AT MY ASS.

EH uncle, as I've said before, you either approve and ogle like the pervert you are, or disapprove and walk away. Don't act so self-righteous and pretend to disapprove of my dressing then proceed to absorb the full glory of my ass and legs ok? In any case, I was wearing a collared polo shirt and loose-fitting shorts that fully covered both ass cheeks; you call that indecent? Go and cover your eyes and tell your daughters to not be obscene like me lor.

I won't apologize for wearing shorts in this sweltering heat. You must be kidding me if you expect me to repent for my 'provocative' dressing. My mom's friends told me to 'wear longer pants, nowadays men like to rape young women like you'. Well, how about men start taking control and responsibility of their own sexual desires and refrain from raping people, instead of telling us that we should 'cover up' so we don't incite lust in men?

And don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting people to completely NOT look at women at all; I just hope that people can learn to be discreet if they feel like they HAVE to stare.

That day I was in Sunway Pyramid wearing a skirt, sitting down a bench, crossed-legged, my thighs fully covered by my laptop bag...and guess what? PEOPLE STILL TRIED TO PEEK AT MY PANTIES. For the record, NO my panties were not showing - I was a little freaked out, so I asked the bf to check for me. Nope, no crotch shots here.

Men with their spouses/girlfriends and even fathers with their daughters tilted their heads as they walked past, hoping to catch a glimpse of an elusive female crotch. TOTALLY NOT DISCREET AT ALL. I don't know whether to roll my eyes in irritation or pity them for being so desperate.

^The clothes I happen to be wearing today: The shirt I was wearing during the Lowyat incidents (only that was in pink), and the skirt during the Sunway incident. I think you can agree they aren't even remotely 'indecent' - please, I don't even have any boobage to show lol

And if you're thinking right now that it's my fault for 'wearing a skirt', then fuck you. YOU are part of the problem. You can buy in to the victim-blaming and slut-shaming culture, or embrace the fact that we have a right to wear decent clothes without being harassed or creeped upon.

Guys, start learning to respect women; take responsibility for your urge to ogle and do it discreetly so you don't make the hairs on the backs of our neck stand, or just avert your eyes. Girls, stop blaming yourselves and letting others blame you if you are sexually harassed - no one forces a rapist to rape, no one forces a murderer to commit murder. If that logic works, then I am completely justified if I decide to stab all these creeps in the eyes...because they annoy the shit out of me and thus PROVOKED me to do it. And then, people would say YES, they DESERVED to be blinded because they don't know how to stare discreetly. /eyeroll

BLAHHH. This was supposed to be a happy, up-beat post and now I'm all worked up about these people! Grrr!

And look! I found a picture that shows exactly what I'm talking about!

It came from this blog post, which said that when the uncle noticed the girl falling asleep and exposing some cleavage, he deliberately turned around to get a comfortable position and stared blatantly at her boobs for an extended period of time. WTF MAN! Yes, I love me some cleavage as well, but you DO NOT stare so openly for such a long time. It makes people uncomfortable and is just PLAIN RUDE and disrespectful.

This reminds me of the other incident at Lowyat where my bf and I were headed to the escalator going down. It was very crowded as usual. As we walked towards the escalator, a guy standing in front of a couple in front of me turned around and saw me. He suddenly stopped RIGHT before he got on the escalator, causing a bit of a human traffic jam and he pushed his way past the couple in front of me. I thought he saw a friend and was trying to get off at the last minute, but when the couple got on the escalator, HE GOT ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN.

He was now standing directly in front of my bf, who was standing on my right. This was fishy in itself, and then I caught him turning around to peek at my legs. He repeated a few more times before we reached the end of the escalator, and then he let me and my bf walk past him. I had a hunch, and when I turned around, sure enough, HE WAS STARING AT MY ASS.

HE STOPPED TRAFFIC TO PUT HIMSELF IN A GOOD POSITION TO OGLE MY LEGS AND ASS.

What the fucking fuck. I don't know whether to strangle or salute this man. Perverts are normally opportunists who ogle when they can, but this person actually CREATED his own opportunity to carry out his creepy staring. 

And I know this doesn't happen only to me, a few of my friends have experienced the same thing. A friend told me that cars stopped and wound down their window just to holler at her on the street. She was wearing a skirt that reached to her KNEES. No cleavage on display, no huge amount of bare leg, and they STILL did it. Still want to blame the women? Perverts will be perverts and creeps will be creeps, no matter how you dress, walk or present yourself.

So yes, I hate that this only happens when I'm in Malaysia. In Melbourne, I've seen girls walk down in practically nothing but their bra and hot pants and you won't see people look longer than a brief glance, (though sometimes repeatedly, admittedly). I've never seen anyone so disrespectful as to stare so blatantly and occasionally yell out inappropriate things to women. Culture difference I guess? -___-?

Anyway I think I've ranted enough about hamsup men and their perverted activities. Here's a pic of me (I went to take a pic of my clothes today and thought I may as well camwhore more since I feel rather pretty today! Hahaha :D)

Anyway, I'm going to Singapore this Thursday night and will be visiting the Harry Potter exhibition! So excited, cause it was sold out in Sydney when I was there and now I have the opportunity to catch it again. :D Summore now it's only SGD21, whereas it was AUD33 in Sydney. IT WAS FATED I TELL YOU!

Furthermore, now my bf can come with me and my mom as well! Heh, I've decided to subscribe The Secret's method of positive thinking lately, since some of my favourite girly bloggers like Xiaxue, Cheesie and Qiuqiu swear by it and it can't do any harm :) So now any disappointments or pitfalls are considered as rest stops on the way to awesomeness!

Okay, I'm going to stop now cause I want to resume my download of Deus Ex: Human Revolution on Steam. I considered buying it the last time Steam had a sale and it was about $50 or something, but I didn't have the quota to buy it then (I was in Melbourne where internet quota is limited) so I decided to wait. Last week it went on sale for only $7.50!

*___*! It was meant to be!

Also, that reminds me about when I was sulking about my mom refusing to upgrade to Unifi because it was too expensive. (The cheapest package is a 5MB line that costs RM149/month.) Anyway, I decided to live with it and be thankful that I at least I have unlimited internet, and that when my mom starts streaming YouTube and making my line hang, it means it's time for me to take a rest from my marathon gaming sessions.

Then almost right after that, we discovered Maxis Home which was offering a 10MB package for only RM118/month! Special offer! So my mom immediately signed up and said 'see? Aren't you glad now that I refused to sign up for Unifi?' I stuck out my tongue at her but I was secretly thrilled to get a line with double the speed for less!

The guy who serviced us at the Maxis centre told us in a conspiratorial whisper that the fibre optic cable they're using is actually exactly the same as Unifi's! So the speed and stability should be exactly the same :)

Anyway, I ended up talking a lot again after promising to stop, so as an apology, I present to you pictures of my cute dogs (and me! :P)

First time trying photo editing software on my bf's new phone and liked the result :p 

Ok, time to farm some more gold. Bye!

Winter break!

So, it's been exactly 2 weeks since I touched down on Malaysian soil. Time flies...1/3 of my winter break is already gone :(

2 weeks and I haven't done anything productive...all I've been doing is play Diablo 3 and snuggle with le bf. My 2012 winter holiday resolutions:

1. Clean my wardrobe, donate unwanted clothes to charity

2. Clean downstairs shelves and re-home the poor books lying on my floor collecting dust

3. Learn to speak like a gentle woman (I'm still loudspeaker-loud when I get excited, sigh)

4. Learn to drive

5. Practice drawing

How many of those have I done?

NOOOOOONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE.

T___T

This happens every single holiday, but somehow I still hope for things (me) to change and actually DO something useful during my sem breaks.

Bleargh.

Anyway, I celebrated my 21st birthday party on the 2nd of June. I had a really good time, though I started out the day with 0 celebratory mood at all. I'm still really nervous about entertaining large groups of people, and feel apprehensive whenever I go out to meet friends. Logically, I shouldn't feel like this, but I DO and I don't really know why!

When I was about 15 or so, I always felt like I was the shit and all my friends loved me; I felt that I was the life of the party and while that may not actually be true, the important thing was that I FELT that way and behaved with much more confidence than I do nowadays. :/

Anyway I'm really happy that loads of my friends actually showed up (no lie, I was terrified that only my relatives would turn up) and I managed to get round to chatting with most of them this time. I won't pretend I'm an awesome host, because honestly I was pretty shit during most occasions at my house, where I would hide in my room the whole time and come down only to wave people goodbye. One big problem I used to have was having too many different groups of friends and not being able to entertain them all sufficiently (also, I'm always afraid that they wouldn't gel together well.)

But I guess now that we're all older, people actually do get along alright, so I don't feel so bad if I leave them alone for a while, while I go greet incoming guests. >_<

One thing I DID manage to get done this holiday was to build my awesome PC!

YAAAY!

I feel like I'm one of the few gamers who games on a laptop. -__- Now, I love my MacBook Pro although it feel like it's an absolute waste of money for the performance I got. (RMIT paid for it, so I don't feel as bad, but perhaps I should've invested in a higher end machine that was less pretty.)

But anyway, it's true that for the same price, a laptop can never perform as well as a PC.

Here are the specs for those tech junkies...I don't understand half of it. I'm a consumer who only cares about the end product; my bf's bro set up the specs for me so I wouldn't have to bother with research, and I'm very grateful for that :)

Processor: Intel Core i7 3820 3.6GHz

Motherboard: Asus X79 P9X79 (I don't think I typed that quite right, but I hope tech people will understand...why can't they give nice names to their products instead of a seemingly random string of letters and numbers??)

RAM: Kingston 8GB DDR3

HDD: WD SATA III 1TB 7200rpm (wanted SSD, but the prices are still ridiculously high D:)

Cooler: Corsair Hydro Series H100 (woo, water-cooled!)

Casing: Corsair Carbide Series 500R

Power Supply: Corsair HX 750W

Graphic Card: Asus GTX 570 1280 MB DDR5

And all these cost RM 4950, fitting snugly within the 5k budget my mom gave me *___* (Please don't tell me if I've been ripped off, I'm so happy with my present right now so don't ruin it please)

I was ecstatic that my mom agreed to get me a gaming rig for my 21st birthday instead of a classic watch like my sister. Don't get me wrong, that watch is really pretty, but I don't wear watches at all...makes my wrist look even more like a stick. Although she said that a good watch is an investment that would last a lifetime and would eventually be an heirloom passed down to my children, she said it was better that I had something that made me happy. AND YES I AM SO SO HAPPY!

I originally budgeted 3-3.5k for a high performance PC, but my mom was an angel and said I could go all out and have a 5k budget, since it was a milestone birthday and all. Thanks mom! You're the best! :D

And you know what the best part was? I STILL got something that could last a lifetime and be passed down to my children: she bought me a white gold and diamond necklace. WHAAAAAAT? I get a PC AND a timeless gift as well?

On one hand, I'm standing here, cool and composed, wiping away a tear from my eye, being super grateful for having such a generous and loving mom. On the other, I'm dancing around celebrating and going NENENIBUBU at my sister who only got a watch for her 21st.

But that is very childish of me, so please pretend you didn't read the latter part.

Anyway now I can run Diablo 3 AND Borderlands with maximum specs SIMULTANEOUSLY with at least 60 fps. *wipes tears from eyes* After gaming with 10-30 fps on every game besides CS 1.6 and the original Dota, both of which are like 10 years old,  it was truly a touching moment to see my Fraps meter read 60 fps for new games for the first time ever. (Also, it doesn't overheat after 30 minutes of play.)

T___T

I swear, my life is so sweet right now that I promise to be more grateful all the time now.

I'm thankful for having such an awesome mom. I got enough angpao from my party to just cover the catering costs, so I offered it to my mom and she refused saying that it was my present for my 21st, so I should be the one spending it. T___T

I'm thankful for having a lovely bf who puts up with all my flaws and little insane moments and manages to be patient and caring through it all.

I'm grateful for having a sister who is generous enough to let me buy any e-reader I want and charge it to her account for my birthday T___T (I haven't bought it yet, cause I'm still waiting for Amazon to release the Kindle Fire 2, and they'd better release it internationally!)

I'm grateful for having friends who came for my party although some knew they would have no other friends here, some who came from very far, some who I haven't seen in a very long time, some who had other commitments but still took the time to see me anyway.

Viv, who came and didn't complain about me leaving her alone for extended periods of time among a bunch of strangers, and helped me cut my cake (very violently XD) and took the only pictures of my birthday.

Megan, who I haven't seen since primary, showed up with her bf Dinnish despite possibilities of awkwardness due to the time that's passed since we last met.

JK, who took me and the bf out for dinner because he couldn't make it to my party due to work.

My gaming family: Josh, Helena, Alex and Zerick for carpooling and coming together from places all around the world (joking, from Subang, Klang and Cheras) and getting hopelessly lost but didn't complain about it at all

My childhood yogi friends, who came all together despite having something to do earlier in the night. 3 of them had like, 9am flights the next morning and still came despite the fact that they hadn't packed their bags at all.

And all my other friends who showed up and hung out with me, even if it was only for a very short while.

I'm thankful for all my relatives showing up and mostly managing to refrain from commenting on my height and weight (this time, at least!)

So yes, I have a lot of things to be happy about right now, the latest of which is the fact that Megan has agreed to learn driving with me. WOOOOOOOOOOO I won't be alone, sitting awkwardly with eager 16- and 17-year olds now! XD

To show how thankful I am for having a wonderful and blessed life, I'm going to tick the stuff off my list up there, beginning with cleaning out my closet and donating my clothes to people who need it. :D I'm such a hoarder and I guess it's time I learn to let go.

Well, I will, if I don't get distracted by my beautiful new PC. I can actually play the CS:GO beta now, MONTHS after receiving my beta key! I'm loving the game and its community so far, people aren't assholes like in Garena and the casual mode is everything I didn't know I wanted in the game.

Casual mode means no friendly fire, no collision and full armor + ammo + defuse kits are pre-bought, so non-competitive people like me can just focus on the fun of running around and killing people on sight. Also, there are bots to fill the game up to 5v5 by default, and you can take over a bot after you die so you don't have to sit around waiting for the next round to start!

Of course there is competitive mode as well for those who prefer to play more seriously and strategize each round. But casual works perfectly for me and hopefully people who migrate over from 1.6 can learn to take the game less seriously and learn to just have fun :)

Anyhow, I've managed to start a post with no intention of writing about games and ended up writing about it anyway. So, I'm gonna stop now and give this lengthy post a worthy end with a picture of my dog.

Bye! XD

The Pill

Hello people :D Today I have decided to blog about something that may be of interest to women my age (and perhaps some men as well!) As the title says, I am going to talk about the Pill. It's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while now, but decided to wait a couple of months to allow any side effects (if any) to occur.


The Pill, also commonly known as the BCP (birth control pill) or contraceptive pill, has been something I've contemplated taking since I was about 16 or so. I've been researching it for a long time and I finally started taking it only 2 months ago. There was a reason I've tried to hold it off for so long (you will find out later.) Firstly, I will talk about my experiences before the Pill, followed by how the Pill works, and finally, how I feel after taking it.




Before the Pill 


Ever since I've started my period, it has been crazily irregular - sometimes it vanishes for months on end, which would something of a concern (pregnancy alarm!) if I wasn't a virgin, and sometimes it comes again just after 2 weeks. Sometimes it lasts 5 days, sometimes 9. It's a horrible inconvenience and a cause of extreme discomfort to me. If you weren't in an all-boys secondary school when you were younger, you would certainly have noticed occasions where a girl would appear sickly, weak and uncomfortable during certain times of the month; some are even so sick that they had to go home. Not all girls are like this, but some of us suffer from a serious form of menstrual sickness, called dysmenorrhea.


I was definitely one of them. Most periods were a time of horror for me. Nausea, extreme fatigue, weakness, dizziness and extreme pain came with almost every period, and I've collapsed a handful of times on the bathroom floor after a shower because I was too dizzy and weak to stand. It became even more of a problem when I started uni, where handing in work even an hour late would be heavily penalized - it was stated clearly that 'menstrual pains' were not in anyway admissible as a reason for delayed assignments.


The worst memory of my foundation year was of me hunched over the dining table at 5 in the morning, tears streaming down my face as I tried to slice panels out of the mounting board I needed to present my work with a mere 4.5 hours later. I had been crippled with pain and nausea the previous 2 days, rendering me unable to anything without compromising the quality of my work. (My teacher pressured us to redo entire assignments if our measurements were half a millimetre off, I'm serious.)


I couldn't move from my foetal position on my bed without feeling like throwing up. But deadlines called, and with no choice but to try and work or fail the assignment, I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to do it. And the reason I was standing hunched over like that was not because that it was the most comfortable position to cut the board - I was literally cramped in that position, bent over 90 degrees at the waist. Attempting to stretch out and stand straight would send a wave of pain through my entire abdomen so intense that my vision would fade to white for a few seconds. So yes. It was a fucking horrible experience, coupled with the stress and fear of failing.


Physical pain and discomfort wasn't the only problem. I also had to deal with severe mood swings and emotional problems stemming from the hormonal changes during that period of time. Sometimes it was mild and manageable, but sometimes it was horrible to the point that I'd feel utterly depressed and was utterly convinced that everyone secretly hated and laughed at me. This problem reached the point where I could no longer tolerate it when this year, I had a panic attack (which I've blogged about earlier) and a minor emotional breakdown where I was convinced that everyone was my enemy and out to get me. (Yes, I was pretty much a raving lunatic at that point.) This manic episode culminated in a phone call back home where I broke up with my boyfriend because I was convinced that it was absolutely impossible to be together.


It was the most horrible and emotionally devastating thing I've been through, and right after that phone call, I realized that it wasn't me talking. My voice of reason was completely gone and I had no idea why I did what I did; I had no idea what my mind was doing to itself and why. That was the point where I decided that I had to take control of my body and not let it continue ruling my life and emotions.




The Negative Connotations and Myths of the Pill


- The 'Slut' Pill


I had hesitated to take the Pill before this for one reason - the negative implications and stigma of a young woman/teenage girl taking the Pill. I won't lie, I was terrified of what my mom would think if I'd brought it up before, and what people would think of me - a young, unmarried teenager, on the Pill. Although I'm not a very religious person, I realize that the Pill has a bad reputation among certain religious or conservative people as the 'slut pill'. (I have issues with the use of the word slut, but let's not talk about that in this post.)


Apparently, their reasoning was that if this pill, a pill that could cure basically every menstrual problem a woman can have, could also prevent pregnancy, then it would encourage sleeping around. /eyeroll


Although I am aware that these views are ultimately false and ignorant (talk about a slippery slope), I was afraid of what people would say and how they would treat me, especially since at least half my extended family are extremely conservative people.


Anyway, after that horrible incident, I was like fuck it. Whoever who wants to be judgemental can go ahead and do so; why should I let your false perception of me rule my life? They can mind their own damn business. My mom Skyped me every day for a few days after my panic attack and I eventually broached the topic with her. I was extremely surprised when she seemed to be all for it - I was so touched that she put my health and wellbeing above all her concerns with the Pill.


- 'The Pill Affects Your Fertility'


Like most uninformed parties, my mom was led to believe that the Pill messes up your fertility because it's supposed to stop women from getting pregnant right? I know at least 2 relatives of mine are on the Pill (a cousin and a cousin's wife) and my cousin's wife had problems getting pregnant after coming off the Pill. This led my mom to believe that taking the Pill will render you sterile in the long-term; if I take it, I won't be able to give her grandkids in the future!


Well, that notion is completely FALSE. Basing beliefs on anecdotal evidence is extremely unreasonable. Furthermore, my cousin's wife came off the Pill when she was in her mid-40s -___- It is a time where most women already have trouble falling pregnant or are completely infertile ANYWAY. It just seemed more convenient to blame the Pill, although scientific evidence and basic understanding of how it works would lead you to believe otherwise.




How the Pill Works


If you've ever passed PMR Biology, you'd have a basic understanding of how the period cycle works. Here's a quick run down to recap your secondary school education, anyway (I hope I'm accurate!)


- The lining of the uterus thickens in preparation for pregnancy
- An egg is released
- If it is fertilized, congratulations you are pregnant!
- If it isn't, the egg is expelled out the vagina along with the uterus lining and you have your period (that's where all the blood comes from)
- Uterine lining is repaired, back to step 1


So what the Pill does is basically feed you a steady dose of hormones that prevent the egg from being released, thus preventing pregnancy. What it ALSO does is prevent any side effects of periods by keeping the hormone levels in your body consistent throughout the cycle. 


Without hormonal fluctuation, that means:


- No more pre-menstrual cramps
- No more heavy bleeding
- No more mood swings due to hormone fluctuation


Other beneficial side effects:


- Better skin, no more period-related pimple breakouts
- Breast swelling/tenderness/growth
- Much lighter and completely predictable periods (if you choose to have them - more on that later)
- Reduced risk of endometrial and ovarian cancer yay! (More on this later too!)
- Cures endometriosis




How the Pill Affected Me


I waited to blog about this so I can experience the reported side effects myself. And experience them I did!

After finishing my first packet

Firstly, 0 pre-period cramps. I stopped having severe mood swings and haven't experienced a bout of temporary depression since. My skin has improved mildly (I don't suffer breakouts often anyway) and my periods now last a grand total of 2.5 days. They came at the exact same time for the 2 months that I've taken them; since the pills I'm taking go in 4-week cycles, it comes on the 4th Tuesday after I've started each pack (on a Friday). Which is incidentally my only week day off from uni, so I can experience any discomfort (barely any) in the comfort of my own home. ^__^


I have not experienced any breast tenderness or swelling, but they definitely have grown a little. I have no complaints about THIS particular side effect whatsoever XD


However, please note that however much The Pill sounds like a miracle cure to all our menstrual woes, there are potentially harmful side effects that must be considered.


Firstly, there is an increased risk of blood clots and a purported increase in risk for breast cancer. However, the increase in chances of acquiring any of these 2 medical conditions is extremely low, so as long as you go through your family medical history with your doctor and he/she says it is safe to take the Pill, have no qualms about taking it.




John Rock's Error


After hearing that I've been prescribed Monofeme by the doctor, my sister reacted almost gleefully to the news and promptly asked me read an article from a book she had. It's called John Rock's Error - I've found this online copy if you're interested. For instance, did you know that John Rock, one of the scientists who created what has become the modern Pill today, was an ardent Catholic?

Also, did you know that a typical woman's cycle is NOT naturally 28 days/1 month long? A lot of things that I was led to believe about my body today is simply not true. Basically, the article discusses what went wrong with the Pill's 'branding' and how it could have been so much more if not for the way it was portrayed by the church.


Also, I mentioned earlier that the Pill greatly reduces the risk of endometrial and ovarian cancers. Why is that so? Firstly, we must understand what cancer is and how it happens. Cancer is basically a bunch of your own cells gone rogue - or mutated, you could say. Every time a cell divides and reproduces, there is a small chance of error that leads to uncontrollable growth, and that eventually becomes a cluster of uncontrollable cells or a tumour, which is known as cancer.


So how does the Pill factor into this? By stopping ovulation. Every time a woman ovulates, the egg literally punctures through the wall of the ovaries to be released, and thus stimulates cell reproduction to repair the breach. Same goes with the uterine lining; without ovulating, the uterine lining does not thicken, and thus unnecessary cell reproduction is avoided. When cell division and reproduction is reduced, the chance of it going awry is also greatly reduced, thus reducing the risk of these two cancers.


I found it very enlightening the first time I read it. After all, how many times have we heard of reduced or increased risk of cancer with a certain kind of medication? Now I finally know why and how it happens.


Anyway, the article ends sadly, with John Rock losing his spiritual faith.


A quote from the article really resounded with my beliefs:


It was the fault of the haphazard nature of science, which all too often produces progress in advance of understanding.


People are naturally suspicious of what they do not understand. A lot of misled beliefs about things nowadays could be easily averted had we fully understood how they work.




How I Feel Now


I'm really happy with my decision. I went to the clinic with my mom and ran through our family's medical history together. At first she was very suspicious about the clinic, but she was fine after I explained why I chose to go there. The nurse commented that it's almost unheard of for a teenager to come to the clinic with a parent. :/ Well, my mom's cool like that!


I chose to go to the Planned Parenthood clinic because:


1. Fees are greatly subsidied by the government ($10 for consultations for a whole year, no matter how many times you visit)
2. Appointments are not required
3. The doctors would be more experienced and capable of handling teenagers with questions about contraception


...and I didn't know this when I visited, but...


4. Contraception is also heavily subsidized


1 month worth of Monofeme only set me back $3.50.
A measly $3.50 a month could have saved me YEARS of suffering and misery. Pfft. I'd beat myself up mentally for not starting it earlier, but what's the point? I'm much better now. I imagined it costing MUCH more though :/


Also, I'm turning 21 in 2 weeks and will officially be an adult soon. So what I consider the secondary - and by others the primary - use would come in handy now. *wink*


At the start of the appointment, the doctor asked me if I wanted my mother to leave the room while we had our consultation. I said that I had nothing to hide. Then she asked me how long I'd been sexually active, and if there was any possibility I was pregnant. I said both were non-applicable to me, and Mom was like OH NO, she has to turn 21 first!


So yes, there has never been a greater time to start on the Pill, though I fervently wished I had started it years ago.


And finally, to address the 'slut pill' issue: If wanting to have sex with my steady bf that I love makes me a slut, go ahead and call me a slut ;) I feel great about it and I don't believe in shaming either men or women who enjoy carnal pleasure, as long as they are mature and responsible about it.


So, in the end I have decided that people's archaic beliefs will never take precedence over my physical and emotional well being ever again.


And I feel so much better now.

Edit: I mentioned earlier about being able to choose whether you want to have your period or not, and I realized that I forgot to talk about it -_- So much for 'more on this later'.


Anyway it's simple. Above is a picture of Monofeme, a monophasic version of the Pill. This means that each white pill carries the an equal dose of hormones that suppress ovulation, while the red ones are merely sugar pills. (Triphasic versions of the pill have varying dosages of hormones in each pill, to more closely mimic the 'natural' cycle.)


When you start on the red pills (to be taken at the end of the packet) you are only taking in sugar, so without the dose of hormones, you body is tricked into thinking it has already ovulated, and you have your period. The period will be much lighter than normal because it hasn't built up much extra uterine tissue because your body wasn't preparing for ovulation.


It is completely safe to skip the red pills entirely and start on a new packet of white pills immediately. The only downside to this is that breakthrough bleeding, or 'spotting', can occur. Which means that you may experience a tiny bit of bleeding due to build up. It's recommended to have a period at least every 3 months to prevent this from occurring. I don't like the idea of unexpected stains, so I take the red pills every cycle.


If you read the article on John Rock's Error, you will discover that there are red pills only because men thought that women would feel more comfortable having a period every month like 'normal'. Which isn't exactly normal. (But I feel more comfortable with it anyway.) Just read the article if you're curious, cause I'm too lazy to elaborate at 6.30 am :p Kthxbye.

The End of a Friendship

The end of a friendship.

I've not completely cut ties with anyone since I was about 15. I rarely bond and make friends with people, so it would be a complete shame if I had to let one of my few friends go for petty reasons or small fights.

When I say 'cut ties' it sounds like I'm throwing a fit and refusing to communicate with the offending party any more, but there's more to it than that. Sometimes, a friend just stops being a friend. You know how they say some couples just fall out of love after a while? It's the same with friendship - sometimes it just doesn't last.

When exactly she stopped being my friend, I can't say.

The last friendship I terminated when Iw as 15 years of age, was when my Dota buddy got a girlfriend and put all his friendships on hold. He kept avoiding us to go out with her and couldn't stop talking about her when we WERE together. One day, we fixed a time to play together and surprise, surprise. He was late. He said he had things to do and would we please wait for him? Sure, we said. Since there were a few of us online we'd just chat and hang out until he was free. We waited until both conversation and patience ran dry. We called him 2 hours after the predetermined meeting time and guess what he said?

"Oh, my girlfriend asked me to go out, guess I'll play with you guys another time!"

It was the last straw in a string of broken agreements and abandoned appointments. At first it was fine - after all, the bloke just scored himself a girlfriend - a bit of distance was expected. But after a while, the constant rejections and making us wait for nothing just got tiring. And when it finally grew so habitual that he was no longer apologetic? That was the end.

I'm sorry. You are not treating us like friends any more. You treat friends with respect and care.

When you put your significant other so far above us that you cease to treat us with courtesy, that's when a friendship ends.

So what happened to him? I don't know for sure, but I think he's still happy with his girlfriend. The only times he's ever tried to communicate with me again was to ask me for favours - liking facebook pages and such. You know who you are.

I'm glad he got his version of a happy ending and I'm sorry to see our friendship crumble. But these things happen. Time passes, people change, their priorities change. One day, you just find that you are no longer part of someone's life. It hurts, but it's better to just let go than to frustrate yourself trying to 'repair' things, to revert them to the way things were.

This year, I've had to do it again.

We met in first year of my degree course. It was a tentative and unlikely friendship, brought together by one common denominator - a boy who was my ex-foundation mate and her fellow countryman. She was friendly and timid, but full of giggles and quirks once you got to know her.

At the end of that year, she found a boyfriend. The three of us became fast friends, scheduling our classes together, eating together, working on assignments together. They had excessive amounts of PDA - canoodling in public, lap-sitting, full on cuddles and kisses, but unexpectedly, I was fine with it. I liked the guy as much as I liked the girl, so it wasn't as revolting as you'd imagine. A friend asked me how I could stomach such gross displays of public affection; I just shrugged and said that I'm already used to it. And I was.

At some point in the second year, things started to change. She started demanding more and more from him. He couldn't eat a cookie by himself - she had to personally feed it to him. She can't work alone in uni - he has to accompany her at all times. He's not allowed to go to the toilet - can't you see she's sleeping on his lap? How dare he move!

I began to grow irritated with this behaviour, but for the most part I bit my tongue, hoping it was a phase that would pass. God knows some bystanders found it cute and endearing. In my perspective, it was a case of affectionate clinginess that seemed cute at the beginning, but began to spiral out of control into the twisted monster that is obsessive possessiveness.

She began to be more and more self-centered as the boy constantly catered to her every whim. Things that were done as favours began to be taken for granted.

One night, we stayed late at uni to work because we hadn't finished an assignment that was due soon. I finished mine some time around dinner time, so I asked if she was going to stay for dinner; if so, I'd wait and eat with them, if not I'd go and takeaway some food for myself on the way home.

She said she would stay and work, then go for dinner before she went home. So I continued to do stuff while waiting for her to finish up. She daydreamed between spells of productivity and was constantly distracted. She also complained she was tired when the boy asked her why she wasn't working. After a while, the boy and I grew hungry so we asked her whether we could go and eat first, then come back to continue working.

She refused to budge, insisting that she still had lots of work to do. So we continued waiting. 1 hour turned into 3 hours and I was almost past the point of absolute hunger. Fed up, I asked her if she was ready to eat now.

She responded by saying she was no longer hungry and wanted to go home.

I felt like throwing a chair at her. She allowed us to wait on the false promise of having dinner together, and when I grew fed up with her dawdling, she responded with 'fine, I'll just go home then.'

What the fucking fuck?

I slammed the door on my way out, hardly believing she could be so inconsiderate. The best part was she didn't even feel that she did anything wrong or was too stupid to realize it. Her boyfriend certainly noticed, and apologized to me when we got home. Why on earth was HE apologizing for HER inconsideration?

I should have known then I was facing something that I'm all too familiar with. My relationship with Sam has always been questioned using this term, and oh, how I hated it and all its implications.

But this was a true case of a pussy-whipped guy.

Further evidence:

When the guy and I worked a part-time job together, he had to ask her permission to eat lunch with me after work. She grudgingly gave her permission for him to lunch with me, but forbade him for staying for dinner.

I could understand if she intended to have dinner with him as a couple later, but NO, she just wanted him home. And why the fuck does he have to report to her in the first place? How truly powerless are you to have to ask for permission to interact with people other than your girlfriend?

I never ate alone with him again after that day. Even when I was with another female friend, he was forbidden to eat with both of us without her presence.

"She's doesn't like me hanging out with other girls when she's not around," he said apologetically.

I stared at him incredulously. I thought he was joking, but I soon found out it was all too horrifyingly, disgustingly true.

For god's sake, I'm supposed to be her friend! And I have a boyfriend, with whom I've had a relationship more than double hers in duration.

Are we both so untrustworthy that we can't be allowed to eat together without supervision? Is she really so insecure that she feels her boyfriend will run into the arms of another girl while she wasn't around? Is she just too selfish to share him with other people?

The two conclusions I came up with was that she was either jealous or insecure. Both of which are extremely unattractive traits. And what does it say about our friendship when you restrict my interaction with your boyfriend? Do I look like a cunning boyfriend-stealer? Jesus Christ, much as I like the boy, I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. Besides, anyone who really knows me will know how besotted I am with MY own boyfriend.

Anyway, I let that incident pass.

Fast forward 1 year and many whines and pouts later, I have become the camel with the broken back that was just whipped with that final straw.

The 3 of us and another female programmer teamed up for our important final year project. After our second presentation which went exceptionally well, we had a group meeting sans programmer, so it just the 3 of us.

The boy and I began addressing the feedback given by the panel of lecturers. While this went on, the girl just slept on the desk, only waking up once to show us a video that was supposed to be her way of addressing a visual problem of our game.

Fair enough, I was used to her being unresponsive during group meetings - last year, when pressed for her opinion by the guy, she retorted saying she had no opinion and she was TIRED, dammit! She threw her metcard onto the table in a small fit of temper, and then sported a sour face for the rest of the meeting. I wasn't the only one who noticed - in fact, this was related to me by my other friend and group member as I had only arrived after it had happened. The only thing I could testify to was her black face.

So, the fact that she was sleepy and unhelpful again during this meeting wasn't new to me. We continued to discuss further issues about the game when she interrupted, telling her boyfriend that she was tired and wanted to go home.

The boy told her that we were having a very important discussion and to please wait for a while. She grumbled and went back to sleep. After a while, I was voicing an idea halfway when she blatantly interrupted me and addressed her boyfriend.

"When can we go baaaaack? I've been waiting, and I'm tired and I want to go home nowwwwwww!"

I really felt like hitting her for being so fucking rude, interrupting me AGAIN as she often does when I am talking to the boy. However, I just told her, as calmly as I could (which wasn't very calmly, I admit), that if she wanted to go home so badly, then please do so - no one was stopping her from leaving.

Then she really lost it. She grabbed her bag violently and said FINE, she will leave now. As she got up, her boyfriend grabbed her arm and called her name. She shoved him back forcefully and hit him (with her bag or arm I don't know, his head obscured my view, but there was definitely the sound of impact).

"Let me GO! I'm going now, don't... *shove*...DON'T!"

She then stomped out, leaving behind a shell-shocked classroom. A classmate called after her, asking her if everything was alright; she responded by slamming the door. I think I may have shouted 'the hell is your problem?' as she left, but I'm not too sure, it could have been in my head. Everything just happened so quickly.

"Why is she so upset?" I asked him.
He seemed stunned. "I don't know."

After a brief silence, we continued and finished our discussion within five minutes.

Let's address the things that are wrong in that scenario.

1. Why does she get to sleep during group meetings and offer 0 feedback? Is she a group member or not? Does she really have no opinions of her own?

2. Why is she allowed to constantly interrupt other people's conversations with no repercussions whatsoever? It's fucking disrespectful and infuriating.

3. Why do we have to leave when she leaves? Her boyfriend doesn't live on the way to her home. Even if he does, walking her back is just a courtesy, not a privilege to be taken for granted and worth throwing a tantrum over if revoked.

4. Why is she allowed to throw tantrums like this and be forgiven without any apologies whatsoever?

5. Why the hell is she allowed to be physically rough with her boyfriend and he just sits there and accepts it? God knows if the roles were reversed, people would be horrified at a guy hitting his girlfriend. Furthermore, she had just caused a very big scene in public when he did nothing wrong. Doesn't he feel any indignation at all?

Perhaps she's just so harmless and vulnerable-looking that we constantly forgive her for all these terrible behaviour. How terrible could such a pretty and delicate-looking girl be?

Fucking terrible, that's how. I can't tell you how many times I've been ignored or interrupted in a conversation. How many times I've been made to feel like I wasn't there while she fully focused on talking to her boyfriend, who, to his credit, always tried to make me feel welcome. How many times we've had to compromise to suit her wishes - to eat at certain places, meet at certain times cause she can't wake up early, stay over at uni because she just can't fucking start her work early and focus when she's actually doing it. Though that only applies to her boyfriend now, because I gave up staying over with them after I realized she doesn't care if I do or not - as long as he doesn't go home, she is content.

And it's not all sweet requests like 'oh baby, will you stay over and accompany me tonight while I work on my assignments?' I know for sure that he dislikes staying over, but she just needles and guilts him over and over until he relents and agrees to stay over although his home and comfortable bed is a mere 10 minute walk away, not to mention that he has already finished his assignment weeks ago so he doesn't have to pull an all-nighter at all.

But I didn't care cause he was accommodating all her selfish and spoilt requests, not me. I detest her behaviour and treatment of him, but I never confronted her about it because he seems to accept it and he's the boyfriend and he puts up with it. It's really none of my business, is it?

But he's my friend too and I really hate watching a good, hard-working and smart boy being emotionally bullied by a lazy, manipulative girl who just pouts and whines when she doesn't get her way.

It's fucking tragic, if you ask me.

It was none of my business until she started affecting me with her growing disregard for me. Every time she interrupts a conversation by bringing up an inane subject like 'oh what should we eat, I'm hungryyyyyyy', I feel like pushing her face into the table.

Every time she does something so inconsiderate like letting people wait forever for her, and she feigns stupidity or is completely unapologetic about it, I feel like pulling her hair out.

I know, violence is very unbecoming of me, but when it's all confined in my head, I deem it completely acceptable.

She can't really be that stupid or ignorant to realize when she's inconveniencing people around her, is she? It's perfectly possible that she is - but when I feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt, that just leaves me to assume she just doesn't care about anyone but herself, which is just as bad.

So, this is a a goodbye letter of sorts. Goodbye to the good times we once had, goodbye to our unexpectedly formed and horribly ended friendship.

I wish you will grow up to realize that the world isn't at your bidding. That saying 'IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, THEN DON'T WAIT FOR ME' in an angry voice isn't excusing you from the fact that EXPECT others to wait for you. We are obliged to wait for you, because friends do wait for friends; but when you drag out the waiting time to 10 times the length it should have been because you are just SO sluggish in your movements, you ARE being inconsiderate. You get angry when we ask you to hurry up, and you get angry if we don't wait. It's always a lose-lose situation with you, isn't it?

I wish you will grow up one day to realize that pouting and throwing temper tantrums won't always get you your way in life. I wish you will grow up to realize that looking young and vulnerable will not melt everyone's hearts.

I would wish you a happy life and relationship ahead with the boy that is my friend and your boyfriend, but I won't, because I honestly believes he deserves so much more than what you offer him now - which is a life of indignity as more of a servant than a boyfriend.

Good luck to you. Unless you apologize and change your ways, we will be just classmates and group mates from now on; consider our friendship terminated.

Narcissism

"Stephanie, I have always said that you are a pretty girl, but.."

Your nose is too big...and it's crooked.

You're too skinny, like a scarecrow.

You have no boobs.

Your lips are too thin.

Your hair is a terrible mess.

You have big pores.

You're too tall for a girl.

Your teeth are not perfectly straight...and you had braces for 7 years!

You still get pimples sometimes although you're no longer a teen.

Your left ear is higher than your right.

Are you slightly cross-eyed?

Your wrists are impossibly tiny...I feel like I could snap them like twigs.

I know some people don't mean it, but sometimes the insult that follows stings enough to nullify the preceding compliment.

I know what thin privilege is, and I am honestly thankful that I am under- rather than overweight, because the flak people get for being fat way outweighs the snarks that skinny people receive.

My attitude towards negative comments towards my appearance is normally "I'm happy with myself, why should I let YOU make me feel bad?" But hearing relatives constantly talk about my flaws (in the 'YES you are pretty, BUT...' format) can take its toll.

I know no one is meant to be perfect, but do you begrudge me the hope that some day I will become perfect, at least in my own eyes? Yes, I am a bit of a narcissist and I know no one really cares about what I think and how I look, but I like looking at pretty people...and I just feel sad I can't count myself among them (the pretty people I enjoy looking at.)

Some days when I have nothing else to do, I like to just sit down in front of a mirror and observe my face in detail.

On good days (high self-esteem aka pretty days), I tell myself that petite lips are dainty and cute; my nose is strong and has 'personality'; I have big round eyes that defy the asian stereotype.

On bad days (low self-esteem aka ugly days), I wish for rhinoplasty and a tiny ski-slope nose, fuller lips, long eyelashes and a symmetrical face.

I guess ultimately it's not the way we look, but what and how we choose to see things.

Also, I admit to not striving hard enough to improve myself up to my own standards. That's why I salute those people who are go-getters, who exercise to reach their ideal weight, who work for the money to go for the double-lid surgery they've been wanting, who practise and perfect their make-up application to enhance their good features and hide perceived flaws.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting dissatisfaction in oneself, but I do support in doing what makes you feel happier and more confident.

I do not understand those people who are against girls who opt to have cosmetic surgery or wear make-up every day.

If they look good doing so, they are 'cheaters.'
If they don't, they're 'such failures that even surgery and make-up can't cure their ugliness.'

:/

With these people as your critics, there really is no way to win...except to be born naturally pretty. (And even so, everyone's idea of beauty is different.)

If anything, THAT'S unfair. Why should someone who was born looking like a supermodel have more compliments and praise than a person who invests time and effort, and THEN succeeds at making him/herself look good?

You don't like imperfect people, and you don't like people who try their best to be as perfect as possible.

I have never been against make-up, surgery or so-called 'unnatural' ways of enhancing ones beauty. One reason I never wear make-up is because I think I actually look worse with it due to my lack of experience applying it.

Also, I'm afraid that one day when I actually succeed in applying make-up that makes me look better, people will still go: 'see that girl, she wear make-up also not pretty one.'

As unlikely as someone would be rude/brave enough to say that to my face, I'm still afraid of the possibility that I will never be good enough even if I try.

:/

I guess it all comes back to my fear of failure.

Anyway, this whiny, self-indulgent post has been long enough. Signing off now before I feel disgusted with myself.

Good night :P