Annoying gamer archetypes

One thing a gamer - male or female, young or old, new or experienced - always has to face are clueless idiots. Shitstains so vile it makes babies diapers smell like roses. Idiots so utterly stupid that a negative range on the IQ scale has to be created just for them.

I've been playing DotA on and off since I was 15. That means I've seen my fair share of incompetent, incoherent, babbling morons and have developed mental immunity accordingly. However, some days an idiot just happens to be so amazingly rude or irritating that I go batshit and lose all sense of composure.

List of gamer-types that piss me off completely:

1. The Sore Loser

The sore loser, when getting thrashed, becomes increasingly agitated and in denial of his impending defeat. After all, who are these strangers to defeat him, a DotA veteran with a years worth of gold membership AND is a leader of a clan ? Therefore they MUST be hacking! To save face, he must quickly point out this injustice to anyone willing to hear, so that people will understand that his opponent's victory was obtained only through means of cheating.

In DotA, they will be the ones crying 'mh he mh sohai fuck so noob use maphack btr don play la!' then subsequently pressing alt+QQ and leaving the game. When he is then branded a leaver, he justifies it by saying 'there's no point playing with hackers.'

In CS, they will be the ones whining about aimbot, recoil and wall hack when they die inexplicably (to them). Usually, their cause of death is pretty obvious to anyone else spectating, but to the 'sore loser,' he must have died BECAUSE THE OPPONENT IS HACKING! They will then exit to the channel and whine about the person hacking while copypasting the offender's name repeatedly to make sure that no one falls prey to 'dat noob waller sohai.'


2. The LC kia

The LC kia will not shut up about how pro he is and will repeatedly insult you to establish how absolutely fucking godlike he is and how much better than you at this game he is. There are 2 types of LC kia. The first type are the noob LC kias, who talk a LOT when they can actually kill people, presumably to highlight the brightest part of their otherwise shitty gaming career. When they're losing, they will suddenly become extremely quiet OR turn into Unbearable Idiot Type 1 - The Sore Loser (see above). They will only break their silence to say 'FUK U NOOB HAHA' when they somehow manage to kill an opponent.

The second type of LC kia are the players who are actually good at what they are doing. They'd be pleasant players to game with if not for their impossibly big ego. Their favourite lines are: 'don't waste my time la noob' and 'play with you also make me wanna zzz la.' If you face an opponent like this, I'm sorry for you because basically you can do nothing to make them shut up about their achievements and just how bad YOU are at this game. Even if the Pro LC kia is on your side, it's fucking embarrassing to play with them because they're so unbearably smug and disrespectful to other players who are probably just trying to play the game in peace.


3. The 'I always win' guy

Examples of an IAW player in DotA:

- On the losing team playing a carry: Supporters don't know how to support and gank.
- On the winning team playing a carry: I'm awesome. You all won because I farmed so fast and am incredibly skilled.
- On the losing team playing a supporter: Sohai carries keep feeding! So noob go play AI la.
- On the winning team playing a supporter: Fuckers you think you can win without my support ah?

Examples of an IAW player in CS:

- On the winning team and is alive: Haha oppo fucking noob! o0o
- On the winning team and is dead: Sohai teammates dono backup one
- On the losing team and is alive: I'm not fucking camping la, not my fault u all so noob go die first!
- On the losing team and is dead: My team is fucking shit


4. The MCP

MCP being male chauvinist pig aka misogynist. The MCP will hunt down and harass female gamers like a homing missile. Typically, they will try to be friendly and soon move into creep-zone when they start to ask you how big your boobs are or whether you are a virgin. When they get shut down by the girls he approaches (understandably so) he will become a raging sexist who refuses to lose to a woman.

Examples of an MCP:

When he beats a girl, he will say that girls shouldn't be playing games cause they suck. Optionally, he will make a kitchen or sandwich joke if he is a 9gag retard.

When he loses to a girl, it's because 'I gave chance ma, since you are a girl. :)' If he played SERIOUSLY, she would obviously stand no chance against him. After all, girls have absolutely 0 skills in gaming, right?

*****

Obviously there are many more archetypes of gamers that are irritating, such as leavers, hackers and people who can't think of any insults that don't involve your mother/sister/entire family line. However, I find these 4 are the ones that grate on my nerves the most.

I've come a long way in anger management, but no one's perfect. Except maybe Mother Theresa or something. That said, let me end this post with a conversation I had today with an idiot who conveniently falls into at least 3 of the above archetypes.

This was after days of him alternating between ignoring me and insulting in public. I gave him a final warning to stop calling me a 'cb kia' for no good reason and he responded by hurling even more insults, including the all-time favourite 'o0o', 'lcly sohai like to bully noob' and 'xiao qi' (easily angered). I barely interact with him besides the occasional 'hello, wanna play with us?' whenever I see him and asking his age once.

I kicked and banned him from the game I was hosting and thought that was the end of it. Apparently not. He decided to show his 'non-rage' and how really very OK he was with me kicking him - by harassing me further via private message.


RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:55):
 pls ban me ok

Stephaniee said (23:55):
 already done dear
 no need to remind me
 now go mind your own business pls

RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:56):
 lol
 sohai

Stephaniee said (23:56):
 :)

RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:56):
 u r gay lou lai xiao qi lai they bo lampa de hahaha

Stephaniee said (23:57):
 when you can speak english come and talk to me
 also, grow a set of balls and some common sense


RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:57):
 show english lo
 sry pro english

Stephaniee said (23:58):
 sry pro gary
 i've been nothing but nice to you all along
 and all you can do
 is talk cock
 then come diu me
 again
 and again
 for no reason
 fucking retarded
 you so rude then call ppl xiao qi

RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:58):
 i got fuck u?

Stephaniee said (23:58):
 go learn some manners la old man
 now not fucking?
 bo lanpa?
 gaylou?
 no fucking ah?
 what is your definition then?
 you're a fucking egotistical maniac

RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (23:59):
 nvm ba u not boy lai so sry u r girl go suck dick ba

Stephaniee said (23:59):
 learn how to speak nicely and maybe people won't be offended
 ha
 bring up the topic of sex
 typical uneducated idiot
 go play some dota la
 feed more rage more
 now goodbye
 useless dickshit

RaGe_BaI3y_GARY said (00:00):
 goodblye lo see u i will run 1 u so geli

*****
Lowlifes must always have the last word, don't they?
Here's a useful pyramid of arguments that I found:

He basically bounced between the bottom three tiers before hurling that one last line that was probably meant to offend me, but just sounded hilarious coming from the likes of him.

I'm sorry that I lost my temper, my sometimes you have to lose your composure to avoid losing your sanity. That's just the way it is.

Routine

It is the 16th of February. Besides being the 3rd anniversary of me and my bf getting together, it's also the day where I am exactly 10 days from leaving home, back to my dreary existence in Melbourne.

As if my existence here isn't dreary as well. *snorts* The mild depression that comes with a seemingly inescapable routine has begun to set in. Today, after a particularly frustrating round of DotA, my boy looked at me with weariness in his face.

"Wake up, work, play, sleep. Wake up, work, play, sleep. Every day the same routine."

I didn't know what to say to comfort him, because I feel the same thing every single damn day. I guess in my case, it's my fault for not trying to create excitement in my life. I mean yes, I just had a day trip to Melaka with my friends, I finally learned how to bake cupcakes, I met up with some of my favourite people for catch-up chats...but after all that is over, I feel myself sinking back into the abyss of boring, spirit-numbing routine again.

Every hobby I was once passionate about has lost their flame. Gaming has lost it's excitement, like silver that's lost it's shine. Everything seems tarnished and dull. I used to love to draw although I wasn't particularly good at it. As I progressed through art school, my love for design ignited, spread uncontrollably like a flame across a sea of oil...and then it was suddenly, inexplicably put out by the cold splash of reality.

I'm never going to get anywhere by being mediocre. I'm being honest with myself. My drawing is mediocre. My gaming is mediocre (if I don't completely suck.) My social life is mediocre. Hell, even my FACE is mediocre.

At the beginning of the previous year, I was full of determination to never cut myself slack, to push myself to rise above my peers and shine. I don't know what happened halfway through.

I keep wanting to get up and fight the resistance that blankets my will and rise again like a phoenix from the flames.

Nope. Not happening.

I KNOW it's my fault that I'm stuck in a rut. I KNOW I can get past it. Every time I write a post like this, I'm fighting an internal war with myself. I'm torn between the rational self, saying that all this whining is unnecessary, and the pessimistic self that is willing myself to fail. None of it makes sense. I don't know how to explain it. It's like when people who have never experienced depression before say that depressed people are all faking it and that they could snap out of it just like that. *snaps*

It's the same with me now, except that instead of being stuck in the well of depression, I'm stuck in the hell that is self-sabotage.

I miss the times where I felt strong, smart, beautiful and invincible. Once upon a time, people used to tell me that I was all those things. I wonder if I REALLY was all that, or that I only felt that way  because other people seem to believe that I was.

Anyhow, I can feel people's faith in me start to slip. People no longer believe that I can come out on top, they no longer believe I can survive a setback, overcome an obstacle. They SAY I can, but I see in their eyes that they are full of doubt. Those words are just a comfort to themselves, hoping that saying them aloud will somehow make them come true, because they still love me despite my failure to achieve the great heights that they have set for me.

I wonder if people fall into these kinds of ruts all the time, or it's just me who throws pity parties all the time.

I want to believe in myself again. There's a sense of repetition in the way I always turn to my blog when I'm down. I've been through this before. I'm sure if I look back at old blog posts I'd see the same rants, the same pessimism, the same whining. And then after that, the renewed vitality, the will to fight returning.

With every low there's a high. It's just so hard to see the light of the sky when you're buried in an abyss a thousand miles deep, with dirt suffocating you and earthworms shitting on your head.

I don't want to go back to Melbourne. Leaving home fills me with a sense of dread. In a way, I know it represents my reluctance to leave a life of dependence and financial stability. My mom feeds me, shelters me, buys me new clothes. My boyfriend accompanies me, fetches me place to place, kisses me on the forehead when he knows I need it.

Leaving home means leaving all that stability behind. Whenever I step off the plane onto Australian soil, I can feel the life of solidarity and responsibility weighing down on me. One step closer to the life where I'm responsible for sustaining myself. Showing up to work on time, impressing the bosses, bringing the bread home, managing finances...*buries head in palms*

I'm like a bird refusing to leave it's nest. I want to stay home, with my head buried in my mom's feathery embrace, with my bf bringing home worms to fill my growling tummy.

Okay, that was a terrible analogy. What did I say? I'm bleeding out. I don't see a bright and happy future. I'm afraid of being locked into the terrible dungeon that is work routine, coming home everyday exhausted and seeing my boy in the same condition as I am.

They said to think of life as a journey - what matters is not the destination, but how you get there.

Well, I really want to get to my desired station asap: happily married, with a comfortable home away from Malaysia, a stable job that I don't hate and isn't too stressful. How am I going to get there? I have no clue.

Anyway, rant over. I can't stand myself when I'm in this state. I'm particularly pathetic and vulnerable when I'm whining about my (actually very good) life.

Next post will be cheerful, I promise. Happy things or nothing at all.

I'm out.

-3 bones

I had all three of my wisdom teeth out yesterday. The fourth was nowhere in sight, but the dentist said that it is very common for people to be missing wisdom teeth. It's a part of evolution he said - our diets change and we don't consume as much leaves and nuts as last time (pfft please I'm such a meat-eater), making the existence of those teeth redundant.

How I wish I was missing all four of them. -_-

My mom decided to let me go for surgery where I'd be put to sleep for the process so I didn't have to endure the multiple jabs of anesthesia and being conscious while people poked sharp instruments into my tender mouth.

It was just as well, in a way. When I went to do the dental surgeon, he told me mom that I had to pull all three teeth, instead of the two I was originally supposed to extract. So now I have 3 gaping wounds (well, not really gaping since they have all been stitched up) that ache like I've been punched in the jaw many times by a WWE fighter with brass knuckles.

Honestly, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Either my pain tolerance is high, or I got lucky, or people have been exaggerating to terrify the shit out of me. I'm pretty good with needles, so I didn't freak out when they injected the drug into the back of my hand to put me to sleep. (He said it wasn't GA, something to the same effect but much less dangerous - it would put me in an extremely drunken state whereby I wouldn't remember much, instead of making me lose consciousness altogether.)

True enough, one second the nurse was inserting the needle into my vein and the doctor was chatting about my studies, the next second I was blinking, the room swaying before me and at least 3 tools in my mouth.

I drifted in and out of consciousness and my sense of time was greatly warped. I had opened and shut my eyes a few times (I lost count) and suddenly it was all over. That was one hour later. I stumbled out into the waiting area, feeling like I had a shot of vodka too many. My mom paid and I left the clinic in a haze.

I felt almost fine by the time I reached home. Other than a slight balancing problem, there was only a dull ache in my jaw to contend with.

I took a nap with a towel on my pillow and woke up with the towel covered in blood. I went to the toilet and was shocked and fascinated to find a dry stream of blood running down the left corner of my mouth to my chin where it met the poor towel on my pillow and pooled there. I grimaced and saw dried blood in between my teeth. No amount of rinsing could get it out so I went to my mom's room to get the floss, feeling like some sort of cannibal.

I had no trouble slurping pork porridge into my injured maw that night.

I went to sleep without taking any painkillers, a decision I kind of regretted, since I kept waking up every three hours or so, taking another hour to fall back to sleep. Although I wasn't exactly in pain, maybe the pain killers could have lessened the aching in my jaw and let me have a peaceful night's sleep.

Anyway. I had chicken balls this morning (balls made of chicken, not balls of a chicken *winks at Megan*) so I think I'm doing pretty well. I'll have my stitches removed next week so if nothing bad happens (stitches accidentally ripped out, infection etc) I can probably continue enjoying my holiday ^__^

I'm going back to the dentist later to have my wounds checked and I'll try to get a copy of my xrays just to show y'all how fucked up my teeth really were. They also gave me back my teeth (they didn't even clean it, just wrapped it in some green paper with all the flesh and blood still attached) which I've since cleaned (to the best of my ability, there still seems to be some tissue stuck, and by tissue I don't mean Kleenex) and I'll post it up here to gross everyone out.

That's all for now ^__^ I just really wanted to talk about my surgery so I'll stop babbling about my aches on pains on Facebook and Twitter where everyone's already really fed up of me.

Time for lunch. Some mee sua with chicken balls, seasoned with fresh O+ blood. Awwwwww yea.

New Apartment

Here I am in my new apartment. It's brand spanking new and smells that way, judging from the new apartment smell wafting off the walls. It has everything most people could ask for:

- a lift that does 24 floors in 30 seconds

- views TDF

- 2 bathrooms

- central cooling/heating for the hall

- lap pool, sauna, gym blablabla

And the best part is that my room is fucking gorgeous.

1 and 1/3 walls are floor-to-ceiling windows and 1 entire wall comprises of my wardrobe doors - made completely of tinted mirrors.

FUCKING GORGEOUS CAN?

I even bought a new corner table (I've always adored corner tables cause the curved shape lets me rest my elbow on the surface which helps tons during gaming marathons) that faces the corner of my room where the windows meet.

So basically, I spent my first night in my room with the lights off, my eager face illuminated blue by my backlit keyboard, watching a movie on my laptop with the city skyline stretched out behind the screen like a fucking newsroom backdrop.

You know where the anchormen sit behind a desk to read the headlines on TV? They have this backlit poster of NYC or some other city's twilight skyline as their backdrop. I have that too, only mine's a REAL CITY.

It's so ridiculously gorgeous I would think I'm dreaming. Except that in my dreams everything would be perfect, and I have gunk and shit on my windows now because the window cleaners won't come until the top floors of my apartment finish construction.

So yea. Besides some clumps of dirt marring my otherwise perfect view, life is pretty damn good.

EXCEPT I HAVE NO INTERNET.

How? How did I survive before the internet existed? I've only been without it for 2 days and I am already going stir-crazy. I've been busy moving and I spent the whole day out today and yet I feel so moody and irritable cause I haven't seen my boyfriend's adorable face, haven't heard Josh the goofball's voice, haven't pawned nubs on Dota/CS/HoN, haven't read spent countless hours browsing random lame jokes on the internet until the sun rises.

MY DAY IS NOT COMPLETE.

I have been so ridiculously productive the past couple of days that I should be proud of myself, but instead I'm here raging about having no internet despite my awesome surroundings. What have I done these past few days?

I made Christmas cards. That's right. I made fucking Christmas cards. And I damn well enjoyed it. What I used to do with semi-dry colour pens and A4 copy paper when I was kid, I now do with a tablet and photo-quality card stock. Fucking maju edi ok?

Tonight I went one step further and started making Chinese New Year cards. After 1 hour or so of scribbling, I sat back and looked at my work and I despaired. Don't get me wrong, it's not ugly, but it's so BORING. So uninspired and typical. I'm not about to go crazy-artist-type and cry about how art is pointless without meaning, but I kind of understand their sentiment now.

What's the point of making a pretty CNY card if it's been done before so many times? If I have nothing new to bring to the table, then I have failed as a designer. I might as well hang up my creative hat and and sign up for a lifetime as a pixel monkey, photoshopping people's noses and cloning out pimples.

Anyway if you're wondering how am I posting this up if I have no internet, I had a genius idea and turned my phone into a portable hotspot. That means I'm using my phone's 3G plan and transmitting the connection through wireless to my laptop.

Downside is, I only have about 200MB left to last 10 days. And some of that is my sister's. No worries though, I've disabled all pictures on my browser to limit bandwidth usage, and all through this post I was glancing at the little bandwidth monitor on the Mac dashboard to make sure I wouldn't go overboard.

I'd only used about 20 MB - the rate was averaging and 0-0.1 kbps and suddenly it shot up to a few hundred kbps when I wasn't looking. Now my total usage in roughly an hour is about 60 MB. It TRIPLED in a couple of minutes. Wtf is going on?

So anyway that's why I decided to sign off early on this post though I have many things to talk about, such as my friend's date from hell (I'm not going to name names cause I HAVE to tell the story - it's too funny to pass up) and post pictures of my sweet room.

I was hoping to play some CS as I did my research and people said it only uses 15-30 MB/hour which sounds pretty reasonable to me but NOOOO because of the mysterious bandwidth spike I have now used 3 days worth of mobile internet in 1 hour.

Shit.

Seeya when I next get a connection. 

*sadbunnieface*

The Fall

I have reached a point in life where I finally admit to myself: this isn't working.

I feel lost and suddenly I find myself unable to visualize myself in the far future. It's a clouded blur of hopes and uncertainty.

Today, after months of shoving aside that tiny seed of worry, I finally faced up to my doubts and realized that I will probably never make it in the games industry. It's not that I've lost my passion - I've lost hope. I've lost hope in being able to find a job, I've lost hope in my ability to make enough money to be self-sustaining in the future, and worst of all, I've lost hope in my ability to shine.

I don't know which is more devastating.

When I entered the world of game design, the game industry was booming. Lecturers and adults promised me that the industry I was entering was rising to its peak - more and more people are becoming gamers. Games were no longer restricted to geek culture - it was fair game for everyone, male, female, young and old.

It was not true. The motivation behind that statement was perhaps partially true - interest in games was rising like never before and finally breaking into mainstream culture.

But it was not true. Interest may be peaking, but the ability to make money out of games is waning.

It sounds like such a greedy statement to make - was I getting into the game industry not because of my passion, but because I wanted to make money? No. But I need food in my mouth and a roof over my head - I can't spend my life doing something I enjoy, but is unable to sustain a living.

Piracy.

A dirty word upon the entertainment industry.

The majority of out generation has grown up with the mentality that entertainment carries no value. It is a thing that we are entitled to for free. We are entitled to enjoy it, critique it, and own it without any cost to us whatsoever.

Some people may say 'I bet this company makes so much money, they won't even notice if a few thousand people pirate this game cause they're too busy rolling in money.'

While this may hold true to some bigger and more established companies, it is devastatingly detrimental to independent companies. New talents who are struggling to bring creativity into an increasingly worn-out field are stifled by the simple need to feed and clothe themselves.

12 game companies closed this year in Australia. That's 1 company per month, shutting down permanently because they couldn't make money. Hundreds of established or more experienced artists and designers were thrown back out into unemployment - most of them seeking to remain in the games industry.

How am I, a fresh-faced and inexperienced newbie, going to compete with hundreds of other people with more experience and knowledge? With the game industry rapidly declining and huge amounts of people losing their jobs - it is nigh impossible for me to get the job that I so desperately want.

Piracy only benefits consumers in the short run - by forking out exactly 0 dollars, people get to watch a movie or play a game that would have cost much more if they decided to obtain it the legal way.

Piracy is now so rampant that people even forget they're breaking the law. It's nothing criminal to them - people whine about hackers taking too long to jailbreak the new iOS 5, complaining about how badly a movie was ripped or how terrible in quality an mp3 was.

While I understand that piracy will never go away, the least people can do is fork out some money for something they truly enjoy. If you just want to try out a game cause you're not sure you're going to like it, by all means go ahead and down load it. If you want to download a song your friend recommended so you can see if you like it, please do.

However, don't forget that movies, music and games are all someone's baby - a product of their passion, hard work and sleepless nights.

If you really enjoy a game and you are going to spend 80 hours on it, please buy it. If you're a big fan of a band, you'd buy their CDs (and if you're even more hardcore, you'd even fork out cash to buy other merchandise as well - t-shirts and coffee cup with band name anyone?)

You'd go to a cinema to watch a summer blockbuster, you'd buy the CD of the band you love, so why do you insist that you deserve to play games for free?

I've seen people who are rich and have no money troubles at all insist on pirating a game they love  'because they can.' Some are even proud of it.

Shame on you.

If you think I've grown this mindset only since I started out in this industry, you're wrong.

When I was around 14 years old, I'd receive RM50 as my monthly allowance. That's not very much compared to my peers at the time, considering I was supposed to buy food and any luxuries with that moderate allocation of cash.

Almost every other month, I'd use around RM45 to buy a CD of a band I liked. It's true that I could simply download the CD for free. I even bought CDs of albums that I had already downloaded in full weeks ago.

I bought it because I thought that I was contributing to the income of my favourite artists (which may or may not be true - I don't know much about the music industry) but the intent was there.

I didn't want to deprive a person of their hard work.

Being an artist is a job.
Being a musician is a job.
Being a game designer is a job.

When you pirate, you are depriving us of income and capital to work on new projects.

The game industry will never die, but it's already going the way of Hollywood. Big producers will never green light something risky that may not result in profit. They will give the go-ahead to franchises that have proven themselves as cash cows - think Gran Turismo 5, 6, 7, Modern Warfare 3, 4, 5, up to god knows when.

The industry will be a mass of sequels trying to live up to their predecessors while newcomers who try to bring fresh blood and creativity into games are cruelly stomped out.

Think about that.

I'm not insisting that you pay for every song, movie or game that you own, for I'd be a hypocrite. I've downloaded hundreds of songs, played DotA for free and watched pirated DVDs myself.

But if you want to support the artist, producer or creator, pay up. $10 (RM33) is not much for a game like Team Fortress 2 if you play it for 100 hours. That's $0.10 (RM0.30) per hour of fun - roughly 15% of what you pay for an hour at a cyber cafe.

If you have no financial troubles and no problem admitting that you enjoy a game and play it repeatedly, you should be bloody ashamed of yourself if you pirate it - instead of being proud and smug that you got a freebie.

Nothing pisses me off more than someone who complains that a company is too slow in making the sequel to their favourite games (Half Life Episode 3 whiners I'm talking about you) or people who groan about companies who try to make their game difficult to pirate (wannabe Blizzard 'fans' I'm talking about you.)

It's as if games fall from the sky, ready to play, without any inspiration or sweat behind them.

If you want a good game, wait for it.
If you want a sequel to that good game, pay for it.

Simple as that.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame my troubles on a person's sense of entitlement.

Right now, I'm going to do some introspection and think about my electives next year.
I think I might go into advertising or communication design instead.

I love the game industry, but sadly, I just don't love it enough to starve for it.

I felt devastated today as I finally came to the realization that the chance of having the career of my dreams is slim to none, but I will gather the rest of my determination and I will move on.

Maybe I'll make small games as a hobby instead :) A small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless.

Goodbye Spring

Another season has passed. Classes seem like they were a loooong time ago, when in reality it has only been slightly over a month since my second year ended.

Results came out and crushed my confidence again. It hurts to see the assignment that you've put so much time and dedication into to lose out to your classmates' who've done theirs in a half-arsed manner.

It's times like these where I question my standard of quality in the final product. I know it can only be harmful to directly compare your artwork to someone else's. Beauty is so subjective. Perhaps my assignment that I've spent 2 months on just didn't appeal to my teacher. So many times I have watched a classmate get an HD with a mere week's work (which doesn't even look good in my opinion) and it HURTS.

It hurts my self-esteem and my motivation to continue doing what I'm doing. I remember how disappointed I was when I got 1 HD and 3 Ds for the previous semester. Now I got all Ds - not a single HD. I was shocked and disappointed as I had been getting HDs for the previous milestones throughout this semester.

To average out to a D...my final assignments must have been pretty shitty in my teachers' eyes.

Fuck.
Sigh.

So, what am doing everyday now that there are no more classes or assignments?

I've been working. I get 75 bucks per hour doing a simple but exhausting job. I'm so bloody rich now and even if I buy two 24" LED screens when I come home, I'll still have plenty leftover.

Sadly, I'd rather have gotten 4 HDs than be a few thousand bucks richer. And I don't intend to spend the rest of my money as the apartment that my mom bought is going to be handed over to us next week, meaning that we have to pay up.

Money's gonna be slightly tighter as we repay the housing loan so I don't plan to splurge any more after I buy my screen.

I want to go home. My mood's been pretty low lately. I miss Sam, I miss my home, my bed, my dogs.

I've been playing lots of CS lately. I've finally made the decision to play in Steam at least half the time now, and begin detaching myself from Garena. I realize that I have not improved much in the years I've played there - firstly because I'm lagging, secondly because the players are just not very good.

If I keep playing with sub-par players, my skill is only ever going to remain average, no matter how much I play. So, here's to challenging myself by playing with more highly skilled players :3

These few days my average KDR in Garena is 2:1, and 1:1 in Steam.
I don't value KDR much, but I think it's a pretty good yardstick to measure the difference in the opponent's skills.

The good players in Garena can't hold a candle to the average player in Steam.

I hate playing without my friends. I don't like feeling alone, although it's only a game. Oh well, I'll make new friends. :) I'll learn the aussie CS slang and be a super complaint player and follow whatever they say to improve. I'll stop being embarrassed when I try and fail to do something new.

Somehow I don't feel as incensed when an Aussie player taunts me, compared to a Malaysian player. I think losing to a good player doesn't hurt as much as being insulted by an incompetent fool who got lucky :/

Anyway, I can't wait for Dota2. I can't wait to go home and download all the new games I've bought on Steam. I can't wait for Steam's xmas sales :D

I just want to home, get my laptop's innards cleaned out and rest my head and boy's shoulder.

I'm tired and I just don't know why.

Hello Summer.

Obliviousness

This morning I had a minor identity crisis when a friend expressed relief (and perhaps joy) at his friend's breakup with a bitchy girl.

Suddenly, I doubted myself. What if I was the bitchy girlfriend that all her boyfriend's friends hated? If Sam and I ever breakup, would his friends pat him on the back and say 'good on you, you were better off without that crazy bitch'?

What if I was that horrible, possessive and obssesive girlfriend that I hate so much?

My friend hurriedly reassured me that I was not - I think he panicked, thinking that he had somehow single-handedly induced an anxiety attack in my soul of stone.

I wanted to believe him, but I reasoned (very unreasonably) with myself that if I WERE a bitchy person, my friends wouldn't dare to tell me so, right? So I turned to the most important person for advice - my boyfriend himself.

And honestly, he wasn't that helpful because all he said was that it was up to me to decide. If I feel something wrong, then fix it and I'll be fiiine.
(I was hoping for something more along the lines of 'you're so sweet and kind and nice and awesome and pretty and loveable that NO ONE could hate you <3 <3 <3' but no. Didn't happen.)

I was like 'WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? OMG I'M TOTALLY A BITCH ASDFJKL;!"

Then, the very next moment I was like, fuck that shizzz! If people don't like me, they can find themselves a new friend! Hell naw, I'm not changing just because some people dislike me. Too coarse, too clumsy, too rough, too masculine bladiblablablah. *eyeroll*

I like myself and my opinion takes precedence over those of people who don't. (That barely made sense. Sorry, I'm sleepy.)

MEHHH.

Later, I remembered the time when my friend came over to stay, bringing along 2 female friends of his that I have never met before.

After a night at my place, they left to stay somewhere else. Before leaving my home, one of the girls unexpectedly gave me a hug goodbye and said:

"I'm glad you were nice. When I saw you I thought you were going to be very bitchy, but I really like you!"

It was so blunt and unreal (it's more likely to see this in an anime with the naive heroine expressing her feelings openly to people, and not in real life) that I was taken aback, not sure if it was a compliment or insult. Well, I guess that means my face/house/pictures/posture/speech is snooty enough to be considered bitchy, but underneath that curtain of spikes, I DO possess a heart of gold after all.

Ha! Heart of gold! *snort*

Take that haters! Even strangers like me :3 :3

Well. Anyway, if the day comes that I break up with my boy (CHOI) and his friends openly admit that they hated me all along...I can say I was not surprised, after having this mini introspection session with myself.

*sigh*

And I will thank them for putting up with me for so long. Giving me face just because I'm their friend's girlfriend. Mmm. Some people really ARE tolerant. If my friend had a bitchy girl/boyfriend I don't know if I could keep my barbed tongue still.

^__^ I'm sleepy. Good night.