Today is one of those bright sunny days where I feel like a complete slob. Passive, lethargic, lazy, demotivated.
It makes absolutely no sense because about a week ago I was all gung-ho from work, feeling like the proest gamer, the prettiest girl, the nicest friend, the most hardworking student, the best designer.
Today what I feel like = polar opposites from my sky-high mood last week.
I'm lazy. I'm a noob, I'm ugly, bitchy, lazy and can't even get Maya to work for me. (It crashed twice in less than 30 mins)
My one comfort is knowing that this feeling will pass, as it has, unfailingly, the last hundred times I felt this way. Downtrodden, mean and self-pitying. And feeling even worse due to the aforementioned feelings.
And no, before you ask, I'm not on drugs. I'm not pregnant or ingesting any mood or hormone altering substance.
It will pass.
Next week I'm going to be cheerful, nice and happy-go-lucky again. I think I've spent all my 'LET'S DO THIS' energy and it's time to recharge some of that optimism.
Today, I'm going to stay at home and let my mind have it's own bitch fight with itself.
She wears so much makeup and she's still ugly.
You're no looker yourself.
That asshole is a fucking noob and still dares to boss people around, shithead can't see his own flaws.
Eh, you're not so pro either ok?
That couple is positively nauseating and their chemistry is so unbalanced I feel uncomfortable looking at them.
You're overreacting. They have always been nice to you except for little lapses of judgement.
I feel guilty for thinking bitchy thoughts about my friends.
It's okay, they probably think bitchily about you sometimes, too.
You're a terrible girlfriend, you suffocate your boy and expect the world from him.
Yes, yes, I am. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for expecting everyone else to be.
I'm just tired of people pretending to be my friend and then leaving passive aggressive comments whenever I have the slightest feeling of achievement.
I post a work in progress and inevitably the person will pop up from the woodwork to say something shitty about it and disappear back to wherever he came from.
I put up a picture of myself and some person who I've not spoken to in ages makes a vague comment about how I'm not attractive or whatever.
I feel like I'm playing really well one day, and some stranger who knows me HAS to pop up and say how fucking noob I am.
Seriously?
Is it really your life's pleasure to put other people down?
I understand if it's constructive criticism or if my close friends call me a narcissistic asshole, but strangers or mere acquaintances DO NOT have the right to put me down like they are fucking gods and goddesses.
Call it tall poppy syndrome, or crabs in a bucket syndrome.
Whenever someone is feeling good about themselves or enjoyed a little bit of success, these parasitic people will just appear from obscurity and try to pull you down to the level at which they are trapped because they are incapable of self-improvement, instead choosing to hinder people from moving onward and upward.
First thing after I finish all my assignments and reach the end of my employment period this year is to get onto facebook and sever all connections to these poisonous people.
I almost did it that time when I learned one of the gamers had been backstabbing me. I did not know who it was and was ready to delete every single of them. However, I slept on it my decision and decided it was probably not a good idea to alienate the innocent people who didn't mean any harm.
But now, in my current state of mind, I've decided once again that when I have time, I'm going to weed out all the people I don't like but hesitate to sever ties with because they still pepper me with ass-kissing/we're-still-friends-right? words in between their veiled taunts.
I think too many people often force themselves to tolerate 'friends' like these.
Some people may think I'm immune to derogatory comments or callous jokes just because I'm 'strong/ independent/resilient/doesn't give a flying fuck.' Well, to a certain degree, yes, I don't care if you tell me I'm ugly, talentless or annoying.
But because people think these comments don't hurt me, they just use it more often, and eventually my strength and resilience breaks down and I do start to give a flying fuck.
What drives me nuts are that these cowards often hide behind their keyboard and screen to fling insults and do their mudslinging.
There was a gamer guy was initially very nice to me because I was a girl and could beat the shit out of him at CS even when I was a newbie. He'd say sweet things and I'd play with him although I thought he was a total airhead.
It all went well until one day he asked me for my picture, and curious to see his reaction, I gave him a picture of a fat girl that I googled. He said something along the lines of 'wa, so meaty' and after that, he stopped playing with me and halted his river of sweet words.
Whenever I said hi to him after that, he treated me like a near stranger and often made little insidious comments and referred to me as 'that chubby girl' or 'meaty person.'
Fast forward 3 years later, he found me on facebook and realised that I wasn't fat at all. And that all his comments about me being the fat gamer girl had flown over my head and that he probably made a fool of himself in front of the other gamers who knew what I actually looked like.
He then tried to minimize his embarrassment by implying that he was misled - that I gave him the wrong friendster profile and made him believe I was fat when I wasn't. Right. As if that excused his terrible treatment and horrible manners - it's okay to be rude to a fat girl right? In other words, he was saying that if he had known that I wasn't fat, he wouldn't have treated me that way.
So I called him out on it.
I said that assholes like him will never treat a girl on the internet well if the girl in question is not skinny or pretty like he wants them to be.
He retaliated by turning his simpering/guilty puppy attitude around and insulting me once more by saying that 'maybe guys don't like skinny girls, we like girls with a bit of meat on them.'
-_- I know right? Fat AND skinny hater.
I told him that well okay, that really explained why he was so NICE to me when he thought I was a meaty girl.
Bitch doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like he wants a pretty girl who is not skinny and not fat, when he himself isn't even a nice, smart or good-looking person.
Another friend of mine said that I was mean to fat girls, because I chose to google a fat girl's picture to show him, instead of mine.
I said that I have nothing against fat girls, but I do know how some people see and treat them, and I wanted to know whether this boy was that kind of person.
And as it turns out, it was. I don't regret it one bit.
I'd much rather lose another shitty guy that pretends to like me 'as I am', ie. pretty and demure, than to stay 'friends' with a 2-faced leech.
Yay, another people-hating post. I'd end with the 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore' meme but I can't be bothered to look it up, and I'm too hipster for that shit anyway.
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