HAHAHA. But hey, besides superficially, I've not changed much inside. I'm still the same lost but merrily-bumbling-along kinda girl as I was 10 years ago. Maybe I look different, but my views are still the same. And although I now look *ahem* more ladylike and presentable, my views on people still haven't changed. I now know for sure that there are tons of shallow guys out there. Those who once found me disgustingly crude and tomboyish now think that my crassness is endearingly cute. Rudeness made forgiveable by looking innocent.
Yes, I've noticed the shift in people's perception of me, especially people I've just met. Appearance DOES mean a lot. That is, if you care about what people think of you. Which I do, but just barely. I've had my share of dark thoughts and dreams, and occasional violent tendencies (still do, but rarely), but they're all kept under control now.
What has NOT changed is my loss of direction. I still have no clue as to what my future may hold. I have no idea what kind of job I'm going to get or how on earth am I going to get one. :/ They said that people of my generation are spoiled for choices, and thus become aimless; being unable to choose what we want to do, we end up doing nothing/doing the first thing that comes to us.
But I don't really think I mind. As long as I get a job that's not shitty and keeps a roof over my head, I think I'll be fine. I'm a little shy to admit it, but right now my dream is to just live with Sam and grow up together. Explore career paths together, hit bumps in the road together. He's not just my boyfriend, he's also my best friend. He's seen me at my weakest, he's seen me at my ugliest and yet he still loves me.
Discussing love lives with my cousin and mother during our familial bonding time in Bali, I realised that no one believes how deeply I love and care for him. They assume that I'm still in the stages of puppy love (also none as the blind-as-fuck-to-his-flaws honeymoon stage) and that eventually I'll date around more before I settle down. Maybe with him in the end, but they expect me to 'explore my options'.
Well, practically that seems like a very good idea. I mean, what I've never tried, I will never know right? But yea, to date around just to make sure I've not made the wrong decision seems pretty petty and will probably break a few hearts here and there. Especially since I'm not easily attracted to people.
And when I say people, I don't mean just guys. Honestly, I don't like many people at all. It's hard to find people I can get along with, let alone allow myself to fall in love with someone. While I was young teenager (I feel bloody old now), girls my age were swooning left and right over boys, mooning over them.
When I was 12, I overheard a female classmate (I was in an all-girls school) saying how boys liked it when girls lay on their side, cause it amplifies their cleavage. At the time, I was in Form 1, not even a teenager yet. And yet, girls were already talking about how to bait guys with their looks.
I was skeptical that it would actually work, since the girl in question was almost as flat as me (which was saying quite a lot). But as we grew up, I noticed that girls and boys alike considered her pretty, and gravitated around her. I didn't really care much, until circumstances forced us to interact, and I discovered she was pretty much a psycho bitch. :|
And then I wondered, were people really so blind to her act, or did they just like her cause she was considered a looker? From then, and numerous other observations since then, I swore never to put effort into making myself more attractive. I was afraid people would like me for how I looked, instead of who I was.
And it is true, people DO judge you by how you look. Boys overlooked me as a girl because I didn't behave like a typical girl. Most girls didn't mix naturally with me because I couldn't relate to them at the time. This went on for a long time. There were days I felt ugly, but I stubbornly refused to grow my hair out or wear anything even remotely feminine. I wanted to be pretty, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid that by turning into one of the 'pretty people', I would lose my identity.
Sounds ridiculous, I know. *rolls eyeballs* What if I started looking and behaving like a girl against my nature, and people started liking me that way? I was positive that my attitude wasn't repulsive, and yet I found it difficult to click with people.
One day, my first real longtime crush when I was younger and a childhood friend of mine, told me that one day I would be a supermodel. Having heard this remark numerous times before due to my freakish height (173cm at 14 years old), I was unimpressed. I asked him why and he told me, without a single trace of sarcasm, that why not? I was pretty. Me? Pretty? In my boycut hair and baggy jeans? Ha!
I wanted to laugh, but inside, I felt touched. Everyday I looked myself in the mirror and felt ugly. But on that day, I felt that years of defying social norms finally paid off. Sure, I don't think he liked me back, but the fact that he could find beauty under all the scowls and scruffy hair made me feel like I was worth a million.
And so, I carried on looking like what others would call a freak. I never doubted myself again. I WAS attractive, even with all my flaws and my less-than-ideal exterior. And damned well I was going to find myself a boy that loved me for who I am - not what I look like.
The first time I met Sam, I was in mismatched clothing and hair as thick as a mop. He was in the backseat looking rather green and groggy. I smiled to myself. He didn't look very impressive, and yet I was extremely attracted to him. Surely he could reciprocate my feelings.
I had scars on my face and I wore unflattering, shapeless clothing. My hair stuck out in various different directions and I had the most awkward smile you'd ever see on a 17-year-old girl.
And yet, he fell in love with me.
It was the single most life-changing thing that has ever happened to me. I finally had enough confidence in myself to clean up my appearance.
It's funny, because it normally happens the other way with others. They attract people with their looks, and only when they are comfortable they expose their real personalities. For me, I NEED to know that people like me as I am, not who I appear to be. Only then can I feel comfortable being attractive superficially.
People have noticed it and they have commented on how much better I look when I'm with him. And most importantly they notice how much happier I am. It's true, I've never felt as comfortable with myself as I do with him now. I may not be the prettiest girl in the world, but to know that at least one person loves me regardless (AND does think I'm the prettiest in his world), is the best feeling I could wish for. For that, no matter where we end up - together or going off on our own paths - I will always love him unconditionally.
Many years later, I met up with this childhood friend/old crush of mine. He has since grown into an immensely handsome ladies man. When he saw me, he nudged my shoulder, winked and said:
"See? Told you, you were going to be a supermodel!"
I smiled. I know that most days I still look gangly and awkward, but honestly? I've never felt prettier.
