New Apartment

Here I am in my new apartment. It's brand spanking new and smells that way, judging from the new apartment smell wafting off the walls. It has everything most people could ask for:

- a lift that does 24 floors in 30 seconds

- views TDF

- 2 bathrooms

- central cooling/heating for the hall

- lap pool, sauna, gym blablabla

And the best part is that my room is fucking gorgeous.

1 and 1/3 walls are floor-to-ceiling windows and 1 entire wall comprises of my wardrobe doors - made completely of tinted mirrors.

FUCKING GORGEOUS CAN?

I even bought a new corner table (I've always adored corner tables cause the curved shape lets me rest my elbow on the surface which helps tons during gaming marathons) that faces the corner of my room where the windows meet.

So basically, I spent my first night in my room with the lights off, my eager face illuminated blue by my backlit keyboard, watching a movie on my laptop with the city skyline stretched out behind the screen like a fucking newsroom backdrop.

You know where the anchormen sit behind a desk to read the headlines on TV? They have this backlit poster of NYC or some other city's twilight skyline as their backdrop. I have that too, only mine's a REAL CITY.

It's so ridiculously gorgeous I would think I'm dreaming. Except that in my dreams everything would be perfect, and I have gunk and shit on my windows now because the window cleaners won't come until the top floors of my apartment finish construction.

So yea. Besides some clumps of dirt marring my otherwise perfect view, life is pretty damn good.

EXCEPT I HAVE NO INTERNET.

How? How did I survive before the internet existed? I've only been without it for 2 days and I am already going stir-crazy. I've been busy moving and I spent the whole day out today and yet I feel so moody and irritable cause I haven't seen my boyfriend's adorable face, haven't heard Josh the goofball's voice, haven't pawned nubs on Dota/CS/HoN, haven't read spent countless hours browsing random lame jokes on the internet until the sun rises.

MY DAY IS NOT COMPLETE.

I have been so ridiculously productive the past couple of days that I should be proud of myself, but instead I'm here raging about having no internet despite my awesome surroundings. What have I done these past few days?

I made Christmas cards. That's right. I made fucking Christmas cards. And I damn well enjoyed it. What I used to do with semi-dry colour pens and A4 copy paper when I was kid, I now do with a tablet and photo-quality card stock. Fucking maju edi ok?

Tonight I went one step further and started making Chinese New Year cards. After 1 hour or so of scribbling, I sat back and looked at my work and I despaired. Don't get me wrong, it's not ugly, but it's so BORING. So uninspired and typical. I'm not about to go crazy-artist-type and cry about how art is pointless without meaning, but I kind of understand their sentiment now.

What's the point of making a pretty CNY card if it's been done before so many times? If I have nothing new to bring to the table, then I have failed as a designer. I might as well hang up my creative hat and and sign up for a lifetime as a pixel monkey, photoshopping people's noses and cloning out pimples.

Anyway if you're wondering how am I posting this up if I have no internet, I had a genius idea and turned my phone into a portable hotspot. That means I'm using my phone's 3G plan and transmitting the connection through wireless to my laptop.

Downside is, I only have about 200MB left to last 10 days. And some of that is my sister's. No worries though, I've disabled all pictures on my browser to limit bandwidth usage, and all through this post I was glancing at the little bandwidth monitor on the Mac dashboard to make sure I wouldn't go overboard.

I'd only used about 20 MB - the rate was averaging and 0-0.1 kbps and suddenly it shot up to a few hundred kbps when I wasn't looking. Now my total usage in roughly an hour is about 60 MB. It TRIPLED in a couple of minutes. Wtf is going on?

So anyway that's why I decided to sign off early on this post though I have many things to talk about, such as my friend's date from hell (I'm not going to name names cause I HAVE to tell the story - it's too funny to pass up) and post pictures of my sweet room.

I was hoping to play some CS as I did my research and people said it only uses 15-30 MB/hour which sounds pretty reasonable to me but NOOOO because of the mysterious bandwidth spike I have now used 3 days worth of mobile internet in 1 hour.

Shit.

Seeya when I next get a connection. 

*sadbunnieface*

The Fall

I have reached a point in life where I finally admit to myself: this isn't working.

I feel lost and suddenly I find myself unable to visualize myself in the far future. It's a clouded blur of hopes and uncertainty.

Today, after months of shoving aside that tiny seed of worry, I finally faced up to my doubts and realized that I will probably never make it in the games industry. It's not that I've lost my passion - I've lost hope. I've lost hope in being able to find a job, I've lost hope in my ability to make enough money to be self-sustaining in the future, and worst of all, I've lost hope in my ability to shine.

I don't know which is more devastating.

When I entered the world of game design, the game industry was booming. Lecturers and adults promised me that the industry I was entering was rising to its peak - more and more people are becoming gamers. Games were no longer restricted to geek culture - it was fair game for everyone, male, female, young and old.

It was not true. The motivation behind that statement was perhaps partially true - interest in games was rising like never before and finally breaking into mainstream culture.

But it was not true. Interest may be peaking, but the ability to make money out of games is waning.

It sounds like such a greedy statement to make - was I getting into the game industry not because of my passion, but because I wanted to make money? No. But I need food in my mouth and a roof over my head - I can't spend my life doing something I enjoy, but is unable to sustain a living.

Piracy.

A dirty word upon the entertainment industry.

The majority of out generation has grown up with the mentality that entertainment carries no value. It is a thing that we are entitled to for free. We are entitled to enjoy it, critique it, and own it without any cost to us whatsoever.

Some people may say 'I bet this company makes so much money, they won't even notice if a few thousand people pirate this game cause they're too busy rolling in money.'

While this may hold true to some bigger and more established companies, it is devastatingly detrimental to independent companies. New talents who are struggling to bring creativity into an increasingly worn-out field are stifled by the simple need to feed and clothe themselves.

12 game companies closed this year in Australia. That's 1 company per month, shutting down permanently because they couldn't make money. Hundreds of established or more experienced artists and designers were thrown back out into unemployment - most of them seeking to remain in the games industry.

How am I, a fresh-faced and inexperienced newbie, going to compete with hundreds of other people with more experience and knowledge? With the game industry rapidly declining and huge amounts of people losing their jobs - it is nigh impossible for me to get the job that I so desperately want.

Piracy only benefits consumers in the short run - by forking out exactly 0 dollars, people get to watch a movie or play a game that would have cost much more if they decided to obtain it the legal way.

Piracy is now so rampant that people even forget they're breaking the law. It's nothing criminal to them - people whine about hackers taking too long to jailbreak the new iOS 5, complaining about how badly a movie was ripped or how terrible in quality an mp3 was.

While I understand that piracy will never go away, the least people can do is fork out some money for something they truly enjoy. If you just want to try out a game cause you're not sure you're going to like it, by all means go ahead and down load it. If you want to download a song your friend recommended so you can see if you like it, please do.

However, don't forget that movies, music and games are all someone's baby - a product of their passion, hard work and sleepless nights.

If you really enjoy a game and you are going to spend 80 hours on it, please buy it. If you're a big fan of a band, you'd buy their CDs (and if you're even more hardcore, you'd even fork out cash to buy other merchandise as well - t-shirts and coffee cup with band name anyone?)

You'd go to a cinema to watch a summer blockbuster, you'd buy the CD of the band you love, so why do you insist that you deserve to play games for free?

I've seen people who are rich and have no money troubles at all insist on pirating a game they love  'because they can.' Some are even proud of it.

Shame on you.

If you think I've grown this mindset only since I started out in this industry, you're wrong.

When I was around 14 years old, I'd receive RM50 as my monthly allowance. That's not very much compared to my peers at the time, considering I was supposed to buy food and any luxuries with that moderate allocation of cash.

Almost every other month, I'd use around RM45 to buy a CD of a band I liked. It's true that I could simply download the CD for free. I even bought CDs of albums that I had already downloaded in full weeks ago.

I bought it because I thought that I was contributing to the income of my favourite artists (which may or may not be true - I don't know much about the music industry) but the intent was there.

I didn't want to deprive a person of their hard work.

Being an artist is a job.
Being a musician is a job.
Being a game designer is a job.

When you pirate, you are depriving us of income and capital to work on new projects.

The game industry will never die, but it's already going the way of Hollywood. Big producers will never green light something risky that may not result in profit. They will give the go-ahead to franchises that have proven themselves as cash cows - think Gran Turismo 5, 6, 7, Modern Warfare 3, 4, 5, up to god knows when.

The industry will be a mass of sequels trying to live up to their predecessors while newcomers who try to bring fresh blood and creativity into games are cruelly stomped out.

Think about that.

I'm not insisting that you pay for every song, movie or game that you own, for I'd be a hypocrite. I've downloaded hundreds of songs, played DotA for free and watched pirated DVDs myself.

But if you want to support the artist, producer or creator, pay up. $10 (RM33) is not much for a game like Team Fortress 2 if you play it for 100 hours. That's $0.10 (RM0.30) per hour of fun - roughly 15% of what you pay for an hour at a cyber cafe.

If you have no financial troubles and no problem admitting that you enjoy a game and play it repeatedly, you should be bloody ashamed of yourself if you pirate it - instead of being proud and smug that you got a freebie.

Nothing pisses me off more than someone who complains that a company is too slow in making the sequel to their favourite games (Half Life Episode 3 whiners I'm talking about you) or people who groan about companies who try to make their game difficult to pirate (wannabe Blizzard 'fans' I'm talking about you.)

It's as if games fall from the sky, ready to play, without any inspiration or sweat behind them.

If you want a good game, wait for it.
If you want a sequel to that good game, pay for it.

Simple as that.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame my troubles on a person's sense of entitlement.

Right now, I'm going to do some introspection and think about my electives next year.
I think I might go into advertising or communication design instead.

I love the game industry, but sadly, I just don't love it enough to starve for it.

I felt devastated today as I finally came to the realization that the chance of having the career of my dreams is slim to none, but I will gather the rest of my determination and I will move on.

Maybe I'll make small games as a hobby instead :) A small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless.