I'm singing to myself at 2 am.
I've been thinking about my life, wondering how many people are truly my friends. I remember during my dad's wake...I was all alone, with people telling I was going to be fine, everything's going to be alright.
People. Aunties, uncles, cousins, family friends.
I wondered where my friends were when I needed them the most. I hoped they would come see me, put an arm around me. They didn't even have to say a thing, but they weren't there at all.
Their parents were there, but they themselves were nowhere to be seen.
I sound like I'm making it all about me, but wasn't it all about me and my mom and my sister then? When someone dies, you grieve for the pain the living have to go through. There is no point grieving for the dead. They won't even know it, and even if they do, they'd just feel even sadder for the heartbreak they've caused.
Tomorrow, I'm going to pick one of my favourite cousins up from the airport where she'll be taken home to watch her father die.
I don't know which is worse, having someone you love die in a sudden, leaving you hanging with hundreds of unanswered questions and a thousand 'what if's...or being told they were going to die, leaving you to watch them slowly lose grip on life and fade away while enduring immense suffering.
Having experienced both...I have no answer.
Tomorrow, when they bring my uncle back to his home and remove life support, I promise I won't shed a tear.
Today, I found photos of my dad's funeral on the dining table. My relatives were making preparations for the one to come.
As I flipped through them, I found a 15-year-old me, awkward and gangly...stoning. Now I know where that blank face of mine came from. Feeling nothing is better than feeling pain.
And so, I will walk around with a smile plastered on my face. Nothing's wrong. Everything's alright.
Happy chinese new year.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Bold curve
Sounds like Blackberry names yea?
So I just came back from Singapore with my family and my boy. I've been there more than 20 times so I'm not going to gush too much about my experience. However, something happened there that ticked me off. Okay, it was a small thing but it was irritating all the same.
I was shopping with Sam and we decided to go have a look at Levi's store in Takashimaya. At first, I wasn't very interested because I'd been to the Levi's factory outlet in US and besides being much cheaper there, (I got a pair at $27...rofl at all of you who are willing to pay RM300 for a pair of regular jeans) Levi's wasn't really cut out for me.
I'm skinny and have long legs, so even though it's a US brand and they have long inseams, (I'm a 33/34") the waist is generally way too big for me.
However, I thought I'd give it a try since I was there and I had put on some weight since visiting the US outlet.
To my delight, I saw that they now had 3 different cuts for girl's jeans, known as the Levi's Curve ID. (-_-) The three were Slight curve, Demi curve and Bold curve.
Intrigued, I took a closer look and read each description. After some contemplation, I decided that I would give Bold Curve a try (jeans are generally loose at the waist.)
I browsed around and found a model I liked. I handed it to the salesguy and asked for a 27. He looked at the jeans, looked at me, then walked over to another salesgirl and started whispering (quite loudly and not very discreetly at all.)
The salesgirl walked back to the rack I was standing next to and started looking through the piles. She handed me pair of black jeans that didn't look quite like the one I asked for. I looked at it and looked back at her.
She said "I don't think you can wear the other one. You should try this instead."
I was like okay, fine. I'll give it a try.
I went to the dressing room and pulled it up over my ass. The button didn't even come CLOSE to being able to close. In fact, I couldn't even zip it up, it was so narrow.
I took it off and looked at it. It was a Slight Curve in 26. It was NOT the model I requested and DEFINITELY not my size.
Cheebye. I know I look skinny but just get me the damn size I asked for okay? I like jeans. I buy jeans ALL the time, although I don't wear them in Malaysia any more cause it's too hot. I should know what my size is. I don't need you and your buddy there patronizing me and suggesting that I have a flat ass just because I'm thin. -_-
Or if you want to downgrade me 2 models, at LEAST get me the right size. No need to treat me like some idiotic bimbo who doesn't know how to shop for her own clothes.
Bah. I don't even know why I was so agitated. I think it was the way they whispered to each other and looked so doubtful. Even if you think I have a flat ass, at least get me the model I wanted and let me try it on.
Who knows? It may fit for all you know. And even if it doesn't, I can always ask to try a smaller model. YOU don't get to decide what's best for me. You can offer advice, not make my decisions.
The point is, you don't just assume you know better than your customer just because you work in a jeans shop. The vital part is that NO ONE knows my body better than I do, least of all some shop worker meeting me for the first time.
It's okay if I ask: "Which model do you think would suit me?" and you answered: "I think you should try the slight curve."
But it is different when I say "Can I get the bold curve in a size 27?" and you try to sneak me a tinier size without telling me.
Okay. I'm overreacting a little, but you can see the difference right? I don't like snobby or patronizing sales assistants, period.
I don't even mind when the bra fitter says I should try an A, because gosh darn it, she's right! AND she says it in a nice and non-judgemental tone of voice.
Pah! If you wanna patronize me, at least do it right.
Or better, just DON'T!
>:(
On a brighter note, meet my new baby, Cocoa!
He's a chocolate-coloured weasel and he's soft and cuddly. ^__^ Sam bought him for me for 10 bucks! So cheap right right? :D
So I just came back from Singapore with my family and my boy. I've been there more than 20 times so I'm not going to gush too much about my experience. However, something happened there that ticked me off. Okay, it was a small thing but it was irritating all the same.
I was shopping with Sam and we decided to go have a look at Levi's store in Takashimaya. At first, I wasn't very interested because I'd been to the Levi's factory outlet in US and besides being much cheaper there, (I got a pair at $27...rofl at all of you who are willing to pay RM300 for a pair of regular jeans) Levi's wasn't really cut out for me.
I'm skinny and have long legs, so even though it's a US brand and they have long inseams, (I'm a 33/34") the waist is generally way too big for me.
However, I thought I'd give it a try since I was there and I had put on some weight since visiting the US outlet.
To my delight, I saw that they now had 3 different cuts for girl's jeans, known as the Levi's Curve ID. (-_-) The three were Slight curve, Demi curve and Bold curve.
Intrigued, I took a closer look and read each description. After some contemplation, I decided that I would give Bold Curve a try (jeans are generally loose at the waist.)
I browsed around and found a model I liked. I handed it to the salesguy and asked for a 27. He looked at the jeans, looked at me, then walked over to another salesgirl and started whispering (quite loudly and not very discreetly at all.)
"Eh, she wants this in 27, but I don't think she can fit."
"Yea, I doubt it."
"Go find another one for her."
"Okay okay."
The salesgirl walked back to the rack I was standing next to and started looking through the piles. She handed me pair of black jeans that didn't look quite like the one I asked for. I looked at it and looked back at her.
She said "I don't think you can wear the other one. You should try this instead."
I was like okay, fine. I'll give it a try.
I went to the dressing room and pulled it up over my ass. The button didn't even come CLOSE to being able to close. In fact, I couldn't even zip it up, it was so narrow.
I took it off and looked at it. It was a Slight Curve in 26. It was NOT the model I requested and DEFINITELY not my size.
Cheebye. I know I look skinny but just get me the damn size I asked for okay? I like jeans. I buy jeans ALL the time, although I don't wear them in Malaysia any more cause it's too hot. I should know what my size is. I don't need you and your buddy there patronizing me and suggesting that I have a flat ass just because I'm thin. -_-
Or if you want to downgrade me 2 models, at LEAST get me the right size. No need to treat me like some idiotic bimbo who doesn't know how to shop for her own clothes.
Bah. I don't even know why I was so agitated. I think it was the way they whispered to each other and looked so doubtful. Even if you think I have a flat ass, at least get me the model I wanted and let me try it on.
Who knows? It may fit for all you know. And even if it doesn't, I can always ask to try a smaller model. YOU don't get to decide what's best for me. You can offer advice, not make my decisions.
The point is, you don't just assume you know better than your customer just because you work in a jeans shop. The vital part is that NO ONE knows my body better than I do, least of all some shop worker meeting me for the first time.
It's okay if I ask: "Which model do you think would suit me?" and you answered: "I think you should try the slight curve."
But it is different when I say "Can I get the bold curve in a size 27?" and you try to sneak me a tinier size without telling me.
Okay. I'm overreacting a little, but you can see the difference right? I don't like snobby or patronizing sales assistants, period.
I don't even mind when the bra fitter says I should try an A, because gosh darn it, she's right! AND she says it in a nice and non-judgemental tone of voice.
Pah! If you wanna patronize me, at least do it right.
Or better, just DON'T!
>:(
On a brighter note, meet my new baby, Cocoa!
He's a chocolate-coloured weasel and he's soft and cuddly. ^__^ Sam bought him for me for 10 bucks! So cheap right right? :D
Friday, January 21, 2011
Painkillers
I am resistant to them.
I discovered that when I took Panadol a couple of times when I was younger...and absolutely nothing happened. I needed 2 external anaesthetics and 4 injections to extract ONE premolar. Oh, how I envy all you all who can just pop a pill and chill when you're sick.
Just now I had one of the most agonizing migraines in my life. I was literally rendered immobile in my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. What a pathetic sight to be seen - the girl who got a chunk of flesh torn off her body when she was 13 and didn't cry...has now become a sniffling pile of helplessness because of a headache.
A severe headache that managed to cripple me. -__- The white-hot pain, hammering behind my eyes and making my whole head throb...oh god.
I had my boyfriend shut off all the lights and the music. Even the sound of the fan was jarring. Sam said my body was ice cold, but I was sweating and feeling like I was going to spontaneously combust.
So I popped a Tylenol as the Nurofen that I brought back from Australia was nowhere to be found. 30 minutes later...
Nothing. Still in agony.
I passed out and slept for roughly an hour, according to Sam. I woke up painless and happy...only to be hit by the same headache within 20 minutes.
Wtf? Give me a break man. I wish I knew where the Nurofen was. I haven't tried it before, but I heard it's one of the most powerful painkillers in Aussie. I gave one to my friend last time when she had cramps, and she was high as a kite for the next couple of hours - laughing, joking and smiling like candy was raining from the sky.
My boss said if you take two you'd be knocked out cold for the day - totally unwakeable.
Sounds like just what I need.
Sigh.
Anyway, I went to Mist for the first time last night.
I ran into my boyfriend's little sister. She asked me whether I brought him along and when I replied no, she asked if he knew I was there.
Ha! I have the most accepting boyfriend on earth. Given, we used to disagree about clubbing a lot, but now he has finally come to accept that whatever he says or does won't stop me from going.
I mean, I'm no party girl. I club an average of 2.5 times a year. I just enjoy the music and dancing like I was spsastic. Oh trust me, you would laugh seeing me 'dance.' I only dance with girls and I can probably hold 5 times the amount of liquor that he can. (HEEHEE.)
So you see there's nothing much to worry about. :3
Anyway, the guys who picked us up yesterday were perfect gentlemen. They didn't force us to drink, never laid a finger on either of us and waited outside the gate until we were both safely inside the house.
How many guys are like that nowadays? It's such a far cry from the times I went clubbing where they tried to dance with me, molest my hair (HAHA) and get my number, but did nothing when I fell down the stairs. >__> Men. Fail.
Anyway Mist was alright. Maybe I set my expectations too high or maybe I didn't get high enough (I took 3 courtesy sips of Smirnoff-Sprite) but the music was really screwed up. They played some nice songs and then suddenly played a couple of monotonous shitty trance tracks.
Not that trance is shitty, but the trance tracks that they played were shitty - for the atmosphere anyway. At some points, NONE of the girls on stage were dancing. They were just kind of shuffling from side to side dispiritedly. :S
Awkward much?
And when they brought out the dancers, I couldn't stop laughing. It was a theme night last night - it must've been sleepover or something cause the dancers came out with CURLERS in their hair. LOL.
Then the second round they danced with shower caps on their head. The third time, they were in LINGERIE. By this time, almost the whole crowd was barely moving, just staring at boobs and ass.
Which doesn't make any sense.
I mean, you bathe THEN curl your hair and go to sleep right? So it should've been shower cap - curlers - lingerie.
By why would you wear lingerie to bed unless you were gonna have a FUN FUN night. And if so, WHY WOULD YOU WEAR CURLERS TO FUCK YOUR BOY?
Epic turn off!
Okay, so I'm kind of missing the point here. Sorry. It's the female brain. If I were a guy my train of thought would probably be more like:
BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOL
Or something along those lines la. But the guys were nice enough to whisper to me that they looked like ah guas. Ahahaha damn funny la. Then we were dancing in a square and the guy next to me was singing/rapping along to the songs and it was HILARIOUS cause he had a SUPER DUPER ah beng accent.
HAHAHAHAHA. They were playing the BEP song...Time of My Life (Dirty Bit.)
So we were all singing...I...haaaaaaaaaad the time of my liiiiiiiife...etcetc.
And then when it was time, the guy went DIRTY BIT!
Only he said DUHDY BEET.
OMG WTF. I wanted to laugh so badly but then they would probably ask me what's up and it would be rude to laugh at our hosts. :o
Bless the ah bengs la. Some of them are so cute ^__^
Argh. I feel my headache returning. Going to wash up and sleep now. Sleep is the only tranquillizer that works for me :)
You should try it sometime, instead of pharmaceutical drugs. :D
I discovered that when I took Panadol a couple of times when I was younger...and absolutely nothing happened. I needed 2 external anaesthetics and 4 injections to extract ONE premolar. Oh, how I envy all you all who can just pop a pill and chill when you're sick.
Just now I had one of the most agonizing migraines in my life. I was literally rendered immobile in my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. What a pathetic sight to be seen - the girl who got a chunk of flesh torn off her body when she was 13 and didn't cry...has now become a sniffling pile of helplessness because of a headache.
A severe headache that managed to cripple me. -__- The white-hot pain, hammering behind my eyes and making my whole head throb...oh god.
I had my boyfriend shut off all the lights and the music. Even the sound of the fan was jarring. Sam said my body was ice cold, but I was sweating and feeling like I was going to spontaneously combust.
So I popped a Tylenol as the Nurofen that I brought back from Australia was nowhere to be found. 30 minutes later...
Nothing. Still in agony.
I passed out and slept for roughly an hour, according to Sam. I woke up painless and happy...only to be hit by the same headache within 20 minutes.
Wtf? Give me a break man. I wish I knew where the Nurofen was. I haven't tried it before, but I heard it's one of the most powerful painkillers in Aussie. I gave one to my friend last time when she had cramps, and she was high as a kite for the next couple of hours - laughing, joking and smiling like candy was raining from the sky.
My boss said if you take two you'd be knocked out cold for the day - totally unwakeable.
Sounds like just what I need.
Sigh.
Anyway, I went to Mist for the first time last night.
I ran into my boyfriend's little sister. She asked me whether I brought him along and when I replied no, she asked if he knew I was there.
Ha! I have the most accepting boyfriend on earth. Given, we used to disagree about clubbing a lot, but now he has finally come to accept that whatever he says or does won't stop me from going.
I mean, I'm no party girl. I club an average of 2.5 times a year. I just enjoy the music and dancing like I was spsastic. Oh trust me, you would laugh seeing me 'dance.' I only dance with girls and I can probably hold 5 times the amount of liquor that he can. (HEEHEE.)
So you see there's nothing much to worry about. :3
Anyway, the guys who picked us up yesterday were perfect gentlemen. They didn't force us to drink, never laid a finger on either of us and waited outside the gate until we were both safely inside the house.
How many guys are like that nowadays? It's such a far cry from the times I went clubbing where they tried to dance with me, molest my hair (HAHA) and get my number, but did nothing when I fell down the stairs. >__> Men. Fail.
Anyway Mist was alright. Maybe I set my expectations too high or maybe I didn't get high enough (I took 3 courtesy sips of Smirnoff-Sprite) but the music was really screwed up. They played some nice songs and then suddenly played a couple of monotonous shitty trance tracks.
Not that trance is shitty, but the trance tracks that they played were shitty - for the atmosphere anyway. At some points, NONE of the girls on stage were dancing. They were just kind of shuffling from side to side dispiritedly. :S
Awkward much?
And when they brought out the dancers, I couldn't stop laughing. It was a theme night last night - it must've been sleepover or something cause the dancers came out with CURLERS in their hair. LOL.
Then the second round they danced with shower caps on their head. The third time, they were in LINGERIE. By this time, almost the whole crowd was barely moving, just staring at boobs and ass.
Which doesn't make any sense.
I mean, you bathe THEN curl your hair and go to sleep right? So it should've been shower cap - curlers - lingerie.
By why would you wear lingerie to bed unless you were gonna have a FUN FUN night. And if so, WHY WOULD YOU WEAR CURLERS TO FUCK YOUR BOY?
Epic turn off!
Okay, so I'm kind of missing the point here. Sorry. It's the female brain. If I were a guy my train of thought would probably be more like:
BOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESBOOBIESASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOLDROOL
Or something along those lines la. But the guys were nice enough to whisper to me that they looked like ah guas. Ahahaha damn funny la. Then we were dancing in a square and the guy next to me was singing/rapping along to the songs and it was HILARIOUS cause he had a SUPER DUPER ah beng accent.
HAHAHAHAHA. They were playing the BEP song...Time of My Life (Dirty Bit.)
So we were all singing...I...haaaaaaaaaad the time of my liiiiiiiife...etcetc.
And then when it was time, the guy went DIRTY BIT!
Only he said DUHDY BEET.
OMG WTF. I wanted to laugh so badly but then they would probably ask me what's up and it would be rude to laugh at our hosts. :o
Bless the ah bengs la. Some of them are so cute ^__^
Argh. I feel my headache returning. Going to wash up and sleep now. Sleep is the only tranquillizer that works for me :)
You should try it sometime, instead of pharmaceutical drugs. :D
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Greek God...
...of sleep. LOL.
Happy belated 23 month.......................lyversary? Ahaha.
We didn't really celebrate it this time around, but that's okay. :D I had an awesome day with you and our friends and that's more than enough for me. :)
To those who said we'd never make it: *wiggles butt*
I love you <3 ^__^
Monday, January 17, 2011
How could you do this to us?
A health update. My uncle is going for his second major op tomorrow. I hope it goes well.
Anyway, he's been transferred to Gleneagles which is 5 minutes from my home, so mom has a much easier time ferrying my aunt to the hospital and back twice a day, every day.
My uncle hasn't eaten anything for almost 2 weeks now. He lost 20 kg since the start of his ordeal. Skin is hanging off his face and his lips are shrivelled from not drinking water for weeks. It's funny how something we take for granted like drinking water can suddenly be impossible to do.
Imagine not being able to drink, having a dry throat and mouth ALL the time. If you drank even a little bit of water, it would leak into your chest cavity and pool there.
It's infuriating to see him like this, especially when this whole situation could have been easily avoided.
So let me tell you what happened - from my point of view. Some of the facts maybe inaccurate or portrayed under a different light, but this was what happened from my perspective.
Note that there are 3 doctors involved in the first stage of my uncle's care. The surgeon, who cut him up; the oncologist, who will be in charge of his chemotherapy; and the gastroenterologist, the stomach specialist who will not appear in this account of the story.
The surgeon botched the surgery. As you may (or may not) know, his entire stomach was removed and his oesophagus was stitched directly to his small intestines. (And yes, digestion occurs in the small intestine so he can still eat, albeit a smaller amount at a higher frequency.)
Botched may not be the right word. Maybe the surgeon did all he could and my uncle simply didn't heal from the surgery. But anyway, something went wrong.
My uncle had severe constipation and was bloated shortly after the surgery. They did a scan where he drank coloured water to see if there was any problem with his system.
The scan revealed that the water stopped somewhere along his oesophagus and took an abnormally long time to trickle down into his intestines.
The surgeon then told us, the cancer must have spread to that area and blocked his oesophagus. He then hastened us to begin chemotherapy, even though my uncle was weak and obviously had problems with his system.
If you didn't know, chemo is a VERY painful and exhausting treatment and must not be done when the patient is not strong enough. Basically, it's a drug that inserted into the targeted part of the body and kills everything in its way - the main intent is to wipe out cancer cells, but healthy cells die as well. Nothing is spared.
So, knowing that, anyone would think it was weird that the doctor would be so impatient to start the chemo when the patient was obviously not fit enough to withstand it.
Luckily, the oncologist was a good family friend and knew better. He refused to start treatment against the surgeon's request until the cause of the problem was determined and eliminated.
Many scans later, the surgeon told us nothing and said that the scans were inconclusive - they needed to do more to figure out what was wrong.
8 days in the hospital and RM8000 later, NOTHING was done. My uncle lay in the hospital, being scanned and poked and probed and god knows what else - and still the surgeon refused to see us or tell us anything.
Frustrated, my mom requested a transfer to a different hospital who would ACTUALLY take action. The oncologist asked my mom why, and she told him that our surgeon was not being cooperative and is completely non-communicative. 8 days and he still hasn't found out what the problem was.
The oncologist was shocked.
He then told my mom that the report was released DAYS ago and they had already come to the conclusion that there is a leak about 2 cm long. That was why my uncle was bloating up - blood and pus and god knows what else has been leaking into his chest and abdominal cavity and has been pooled there for almost a MONTH.
The surgeon WITHHELD information from us.
He was fucking afraid to admit that something went wrong with the surgery. It was all there in black and white, signed and dated that they had discovered the cause of the problem, and yet the surgeon neglected to inform us about it.
Suddenly everything became clear - his evasive nature, his eagerness to say that the cancer had spread, his willingness to begin chemo on an unfit patient.
He was trying to begin chemo so that when something went INEVITABLY wrong, he could shift the blame to the oncologist.
He wanted to hide the fact that he did not sew his patient up properly. He actually PUT the patient's life at stake to save his own reputation.
The oncologist admitted he was very surprised that my uncle held up so long without displaying any stronger symptoms, like high fever or extreme pain. The fluid collecting in his body was extremely poisonous, and grows even more so every single day that it remains inside him.
The oncologist then told my mom that had he begun the chemo as advised by the surgeon, the drug would have BURNT HIM INSIDE OUT.
What in the fucking hell?
The surgeon CLEARLY knew this.
Not only did he withhold vital information from us, he also advised us to go ahead with treatment which would probably have killed my uncle.
Luckily, my mom was wiser than that and the oncologist was ACTUALLY looking out for my uncle's wellbeing.
When my mom saw the surgeon for the last time after intiating the transfer, he dared to ask us why we were changing doctors and hospitals.
My mom then told him that he was not communicating well with us and generally not doing anything helpful at all.
And you know what?
The bastard actually had the cheek to tell my mom that SHE WAS NEVER THERE WHEN HE WANTED TO SPEAK TO HER.
My mom is at the hospital for an average of 8 hours a day, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Not there? Fuck you la. She drives up and down from Ampang to Assunta every single day, neglecting her own health, giving up her time (not to mention the petrol cost) to go to the hospital to visit my uncle and WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR TO ACTUALLY SHOW HIS FACE.
Then she asked him why he never told my uncle, if he was so insistent that he never saw us there. He responded and said that he ALREADY TOLD HIM, DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
YEAH RIGHT. My uncle said the surgeon never told him a SINGLE thing about his situation. That lying, conniving son-of-a-bitch tried to lie his way out of his mess.
He just spent 8 days, letting toxic waste to continue collecting in my uncle's body, pretending to do more scans and racking up more bills WHEN HE ALREADY KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG.
Not only did this damage my uncle physically, but emotionally as well. Imagine lying in a hospital bed for so long with your health deteriorating by the day, not knowing what was wrong with you...and nobody seems to have any solution for your problem.
HE WAS SURE HE WAS GOING TO DIE, FOR FUCKS SAKE.
And did his cancer spread? From the latest scans - no new growths could be seen. Not only did that idiot tried to scare all of us into starting the chemo - he LIED to us. He made a false assumption and tried to mislead us into doing something that he KNEW was dangerous.
Anyway, the day my uncle arrived at the new hospital, they did a quick scan, confirmed the problem and started treatment immediately.
There was a significant change in my uncle's outlook from that day. The problem had been identified, people were finally actively working to solve it - he now has a chance to pull through.
Anyway, this second operation wouldn't have been necessary if the surgeon hadn't blatantly misled us.
Due to all the delays, the septic fluid from the leakage had stewed in his body for so long - to the point that it is too thick to be sucked out, thus necessitating surgery to scoop it out.
It is also a risky operation. I hope he is strong enough to make it.
Never trust every doctor you meet. Not all of them have your best interests in mind. Some just want money and to upkeep their reputation, whether their patients suffer or die in the process or not.
If you can afford it, NEVER skimp on a good hospital and doctor. It may potentially save you from a lot of pain and maybe...your life.
Please pray for his surgery to go well tomorrow.
Anyway, he's been transferred to Gleneagles which is 5 minutes from my home, so mom has a much easier time ferrying my aunt to the hospital and back twice a day, every day.
My uncle hasn't eaten anything for almost 2 weeks now. He lost 20 kg since the start of his ordeal. Skin is hanging off his face and his lips are shrivelled from not drinking water for weeks. It's funny how something we take for granted like drinking water can suddenly be impossible to do.
Imagine not being able to drink, having a dry throat and mouth ALL the time. If you drank even a little bit of water, it would leak into your chest cavity and pool there.
It's infuriating to see him like this, especially when this whole situation could have been easily avoided.
So let me tell you what happened - from my point of view. Some of the facts maybe inaccurate or portrayed under a different light, but this was what happened from my perspective.
Note that there are 3 doctors involved in the first stage of my uncle's care. The surgeon, who cut him up; the oncologist, who will be in charge of his chemotherapy; and the gastroenterologist, the stomach specialist who will not appear in this account of the story.
The surgeon botched the surgery. As you may (or may not) know, his entire stomach was removed and his oesophagus was stitched directly to his small intestines. (And yes, digestion occurs in the small intestine so he can still eat, albeit a smaller amount at a higher frequency.)
Botched may not be the right word. Maybe the surgeon did all he could and my uncle simply didn't heal from the surgery. But anyway, something went wrong.
My uncle had severe constipation and was bloated shortly after the surgery. They did a scan where he drank coloured water to see if there was any problem with his system.
The scan revealed that the water stopped somewhere along his oesophagus and took an abnormally long time to trickle down into his intestines.
The surgeon then told us, the cancer must have spread to that area and blocked his oesophagus. He then hastened us to begin chemotherapy, even though my uncle was weak and obviously had problems with his system.
If you didn't know, chemo is a VERY painful and exhausting treatment and must not be done when the patient is not strong enough. Basically, it's a drug that inserted into the targeted part of the body and kills everything in its way - the main intent is to wipe out cancer cells, but healthy cells die as well. Nothing is spared.
So, knowing that, anyone would think it was weird that the doctor would be so impatient to start the chemo when the patient was obviously not fit enough to withstand it.
Luckily, the oncologist was a good family friend and knew better. He refused to start treatment against the surgeon's request until the cause of the problem was determined and eliminated.
Many scans later, the surgeon told us nothing and said that the scans were inconclusive - they needed to do more to figure out what was wrong.
8 days in the hospital and RM8000 later, NOTHING was done. My uncle lay in the hospital, being scanned and poked and probed and god knows what else - and still the surgeon refused to see us or tell us anything.
Frustrated, my mom requested a transfer to a different hospital who would ACTUALLY take action. The oncologist asked my mom why, and she told him that our surgeon was not being cooperative and is completely non-communicative. 8 days and he still hasn't found out what the problem was.
The oncologist was shocked.
He then told my mom that the report was released DAYS ago and they had already come to the conclusion that there is a leak about 2 cm long. That was why my uncle was bloating up - blood and pus and god knows what else has been leaking into his chest and abdominal cavity and has been pooled there for almost a MONTH.
The surgeon WITHHELD information from us.
He was fucking afraid to admit that something went wrong with the surgery. It was all there in black and white, signed and dated that they had discovered the cause of the problem, and yet the surgeon neglected to inform us about it.
Suddenly everything became clear - his evasive nature, his eagerness to say that the cancer had spread, his willingness to begin chemo on an unfit patient.
He was trying to begin chemo so that when something went INEVITABLY wrong, he could shift the blame to the oncologist.
He wanted to hide the fact that he did not sew his patient up properly. He actually PUT the patient's life at stake to save his own reputation.
The oncologist admitted he was very surprised that my uncle held up so long without displaying any stronger symptoms, like high fever or extreme pain. The fluid collecting in his body was extremely poisonous, and grows even more so every single day that it remains inside him.
The oncologist then told my mom that had he begun the chemo as advised by the surgeon, the drug would have BURNT HIM INSIDE OUT.
What in the fucking hell?
The surgeon CLEARLY knew this.
Not only did he withhold vital information from us, he also advised us to go ahead with treatment which would probably have killed my uncle.
Luckily, my mom was wiser than that and the oncologist was ACTUALLY looking out for my uncle's wellbeing.
When my mom saw the surgeon for the last time after intiating the transfer, he dared to ask us why we were changing doctors and hospitals.
My mom then told him that he was not communicating well with us and generally not doing anything helpful at all.
And you know what?
The bastard actually had the cheek to tell my mom that SHE WAS NEVER THERE WHEN HE WANTED TO SPEAK TO HER.
My mom is at the hospital for an average of 8 hours a day, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Not there? Fuck you la. She drives up and down from Ampang to Assunta every single day, neglecting her own health, giving up her time (not to mention the petrol cost) to go to the hospital to visit my uncle and WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR TO ACTUALLY SHOW HIS FACE.
Then she asked him why he never told my uncle, if he was so insistent that he never saw us there. He responded and said that he ALREADY TOLD HIM, DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
YEAH RIGHT. My uncle said the surgeon never told him a SINGLE thing about his situation. That lying, conniving son-of-a-bitch tried to lie his way out of his mess.
He just spent 8 days, letting toxic waste to continue collecting in my uncle's body, pretending to do more scans and racking up more bills WHEN HE ALREADY KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG.
Not only did this damage my uncle physically, but emotionally as well. Imagine lying in a hospital bed for so long with your health deteriorating by the day, not knowing what was wrong with you...and nobody seems to have any solution for your problem.
HE WAS SURE HE WAS GOING TO DIE, FOR FUCKS SAKE.
And did his cancer spread? From the latest scans - no new growths could be seen. Not only did that idiot tried to scare all of us into starting the chemo - he LIED to us. He made a false assumption and tried to mislead us into doing something that he KNEW was dangerous.
Anyway, the day my uncle arrived at the new hospital, they did a quick scan, confirmed the problem and started treatment immediately.
There was a significant change in my uncle's outlook from that day. The problem had been identified, people were finally actively working to solve it - he now has a chance to pull through.
Anyway, this second operation wouldn't have been necessary if the surgeon hadn't blatantly misled us.
Due to all the delays, the septic fluid from the leakage had stewed in his body for so long - to the point that it is too thick to be sucked out, thus necessitating surgery to scoop it out.
It is also a risky operation. I hope he is strong enough to make it.
Never trust every doctor you meet. Not all of them have your best interests in mind. Some just want money and to upkeep their reputation, whether their patients suffer or die in the process or not.
If you can afford it, NEVER skimp on a good hospital and doctor. It may potentially save you from a lot of pain and maybe...your life.
Please pray for his surgery to go well tomorrow.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Girls are complicated
Last night 1v1 de_dust2. Me and another chick.
Alley?
Alley only.
Yes sir.
Wait, I'm not a sir.
Okay. Yes miss.
I'm a girl.
Okay, me too.
I'm serious.
Me too.
You're lying.
Okay. Whatever makes you happy.
What's your name?
If you don't believe me, then why ask? >.> Girls are complicated.
*chick sprays pink hello kitty decal on the ground*
Nice?
Nice.
*I spray bunnie on top*
Alley?
Alley only.
Yes sir.
Wait, I'm not a sir.
Okay. Yes miss.
I'm a girl.
Okay, me too.
I'm serious.
Me too.
You're lying.
Okay. Whatever makes you happy.
What's your name?
If you don't believe me, then why ask? >.> Girls are complicated.
*chick sprays pink hello kitty decal on the ground*
Nice?
Nice.
*I spray bunnie on top*
Pwnzors.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Boys Boys Boys (We like boys in cars!)
So, I promised that this post wouldn't be a post filled with emo rage. Instead, I shall talk (write?) about some guys I've met over the years who may or may not have tried to kao me. (Most of them are from the internet, no prize for the person who correctly guesses why.)
This is for you Leon. If I still bore you to death, I'm sorry. You are hereby given permission to leave and never return. ~__~ (It was written in Notepad on a rainy day and then pasted here when the lightning subsided, which explains why it's so bloody long.)
Here we go!
1. Christian Boy
I only heard this from his friends, so I cannot confirm whether it is true or not. Anyway we used to play CS together. One fine day, after playing DotA together with his friends and ending up in an argument, they told me that it was a shame that I wasn't Christian, cause Christian Boy would TOTALLY ask me out.
Firstly, he doesn't even live in KL. Secondly, I'm not interested. The only shame is that such a nice boy had such shitty friends who said I was going to go to hell and that they would pray for me on the way down. HOWEVER, I would be saved if I repented and joined their church. Uh, thanks for the offer but no thanks.
2. Suicidal Ah Beng
This was a guy I met while playing DotA. He's from Johor and he constantly whines to me about girls never liking him, that he's too ugly and stupid for anyone to like him. His only problem was probably that he whines so much that he puts a spoilt preteen girl to shame. Anyway, he was always calling me cutesy things like muimui, and one day typed over msn that he imagined me sitting on his lap and he 'stim' edi. LOLWUT? I stopped talking to him after that, and he bombarded me with messages that he felt like killing himself. Oh well.
3. Overrated Nerd
I like nerds, I cannot lie. I mean not those extremely stereotypical types with thick specs and talk about Star Wars/Trek all day, but those quiet, shy types who worked hard and was more sensitive than the average Joe. So anyway, this Overrated Nerd asked me out and since he was in KL, I went out with him. He DITCHED me. FUCK! I was ditched by a nerd! How low can you go? He said he had to go, and so I bought a front-row ticket and ate McDonalds while watching a movie all by myself while waiting for mom to pick me up.
Anyway, after that he still had the nerve to invite me to a party. For some reason, I went anyway. Anyhow, I got there and flirted with his close friend for 4 hours (though I wasn't even interested) and then left the party without even speaking to him. And we never spoke again after that.
4. Cute WoW guy
I liked this boy, I really did. Not in a romantic way, but in a platonic way. He's not such a bad guy. He even named his WoW characters after me, and got them white bunnies as pets.
I got a bit freaked out however, when he messaged me 1200 times in the span of 3 days and I got 5 missed calls and numerous messages while I took a TEN minute shower. He started talking about getting married (although I haven't met him yet) and I have no idea whether he was joking or not, but as a precaution I told him that I wasn't interested in him THAT way...he knows that right?
Then he said I was delusional that I even imagined that and for a while the relationship became a bit strange. But I'm talking to him again now and I still like him. He's a funny guy, that one.
5. Creepy Indian
Indian as a definition, not discrimination. Anyway, I met this guy while working in Australia last July. I arrived to work soaked, after walking in the rain for 10 minutes. Apparently he found my hair AMAZING (or was it amusing?) and he talked to me non-stop cause I was seated next to him by my boss. I worked for 8 hours and during one of the breaks he asked me for my facebook. Thinking nothing of it, I took his phone and saw that it wasn't facebook open, but the phone book.
I looked at him and he said 'ok, write down your number.' I thought that I was going to work with him for another couple of weeks and didn't want to make things nasty so I gave him my number. He became a bit creepy and said he would save me a seat at work so we could sit together. I came late the next day and sat in a different room. He saw me and he knew. He knew I didn't want to sit with him anymore and he walked off.
I never went back to work after that day.
1 month later, after returning to Melbourne from KL, I was shocked to see that he messaged me, asking how was my holiday and welcome back to Melbourne. I only mentioned this in passing and it's amazing how he could remember the exact date. I told him that I was saving phone credit for my bf and won't reply, so he found me on facebook. He said I should go out with him and hinted that no girls ever refuse him.
WTF? I said no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO and ignored him on facebook continuously until he stopped messaging me.
6. <s>Ah Beng Hairdresser</s>
Relatively minor compared to Creepy Indian. Ah Beng Hairdresser went through my whole friendster album and commented on every single one of my hairstyles, telling me which looked good and which didn't. He also told me that to get yellow nail polish stains off my nails, I should soak them in lemon water - it softens the cuticles while bleaching off the stains. Come to think of it, maybe he's gay! @___@ Okay, cross him off then. Until today he still messages me to reenact random DotA stories and ask me for a game. (Though I quit 2 years ago - he should know that!)
6. Schizophrenic Kid
The reason I say he's schizophrenic is because he can act like such a sweet, kind person one moment, and a raging racist bastard the next. Anyway, I was taken in by his sweet side and he added me on msn and subsequently facebook. He told me that I was pretty and had a hot body (the fuck? lol) and why did I choose to study in Melbourne? I should come down to Singapore where he lived instead. He said I should hit him up if I ever went there and he'll give me a personal tour around the place. It was nothing until he started asking about my boyfriend and started making snide remarks. Oh he's a nerd, why are you dating him? You should be dating guys like me, or me! I got slightly irritated by that but agreed to go CS with him after that - then I saw his raging psychopathic side.
Screaming and insulting people for FUN? Oh god, you're exactly the type of person I dislike. *deletes off facebook + blocks msn* He bombarded me with messages in Garena's public channel for days, which I ignored completely. After a few days, he decided that we were finally done. He started screaming about me in the channel, saying that I'm an ugly bitchslutwhore who was meanasfuck.
I didn't know whether to laugh or just be amused by the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing he was doing. My friends told me to keep calm and ignore him, as if his unoriginal comments could piss me off. But I appreciate the thought anyway, guys. :)
***
It was tiring typing all that. So I supposed there were 6 that were significant/fresh enough to remember. There were many more who asked me out/asked for number/flirted with me but I guess it was too long ago/not interesting enough to write up about individually.
Oh and here's a shoutout to clubbing guy who couldn't stop grabbing me round the waist that one time in Maison and grinding up on my ass: I hope you liked that bony elbow in your solar plexus, you idiot.
And just for fun:
7. Misled Girl
Misled Girl asked my classmate for my number and for an intro when she saw me from afar in a group lecture during college. Apparently I CAN pass as a guy to a straight girl. I was very pleased at my versatility but overall I found it amusing that the only time that a normal person showed interest in me was when she thought I was a guy.
I AM A LENGZAI, everyone! Do not forget! AHAHAHA.
And if you were wondering how the fuck that could happen, I had parts of my hair cropped to shorter than an inch with a long fringe. (Shorter than the pic.) Must have been all the rage for college guys back then. I also wore a guys jacket (Not the one in the pic). and I tended to favour this pair of baggy cargo pants for the ice-cold lecture halls. I guess my lack of chest helped too.
Well, haha. Fun times. Anyway to prove I wasn't a total tragedy during college, a guy DID ask me out at ftz for lunch, after checking that I didn't have a boyfriend. But then again my friends told me he was a notorious flirt so I guess that didn't really count.
And last but not least:
8. Gentleman Geek
I met this guy while playing on CS Zombie Mod. It was kind of funny cause I thought he was a girl (his IGN queenofpain) and he thought I was a guy (not many girls play CS.) Anyway we got to know each other for a few months and finally we went out with friends as a group. I thought he was really cute and we went out again after that, alone. I remember being really tweengirly while in the cinema, pretending to fall asleep so I could see how his shoulder feels like. Then when the movie ended (it was really boring anyway) I woke up and pretended I didn't know anything happened.
Anyway I liked him a lot, and I knew he liked me too. But for some reason, he didn't want to make a move. So finally, one drunken night I nearly mauled him to death.
Just kidding.
Having heard about his low alcohol tolerance, I challenged him - cup for cup in the club. Problem was, I didn't stop drinking after he stopped (after the second glass.) And that's the first time I got high off my rockers (after 5 consecutive cups in 15 minutes.) We went to the dance floor, where Viv asked me to dance with him. I stubbornly refused, still having SOME sense of shame even after all that poison in my body.
But you know Viv. Seizing an opportunity, she shoved me REALLY hard and I lost my balance... (come on, I was in heels and inebriated) ...only to land in guess who's arms?
PHEW! SWOON. /clings on happily and promptly attempted to bite his ear off. (Probably why alcohol is also known as liquid courage. Just so you know, I have NEVER done anything like that in my entire life, nor ever planned to. He just smelled so nice. LOL.)
Anyway he was a perfect gentleman and never grabbed my ass or anything (unlike me, drunken whore.) He just brought me outside to have a glass of water when I could no longer stand and I laid face-down and unmoving on the table for a solid 45 minutes. (All this while Viv thought he booked a hotel room and was attempting to rape me. Lol, and that's why we're such good friends.)
And you know what? Even after that, he refused to make a move! Wtf! I threw all my dignity out the window and nothing changed?
But finally, he confessed, right before I left to Melbourne for 4 months. He said that if he didn't say anything now, he would never have the chance again. That was on the 16th of February 2009.
:)
And you know how the story ends.
This is for you Leon. If I still bore you to death, I'm sorry. You are hereby given permission to leave and never return. ~__~ (It was written in Notepad on a rainy day and then pasted here when the lightning subsided, which explains why it's so bloody long.)
Here we go!
1. Christian Boy
I only heard this from his friends, so I cannot confirm whether it is true or not. Anyway we used to play CS together. One fine day, after playing DotA together with his friends and ending up in an argument, they told me that it was a shame that I wasn't Christian, cause Christian Boy would TOTALLY ask me out.
Firstly, he doesn't even live in KL. Secondly, I'm not interested. The only shame is that such a nice boy had such shitty friends who said I was going to go to hell and that they would pray for me on the way down. HOWEVER, I would be saved if I repented and joined their church. Uh, thanks for the offer but no thanks.
2. Suicidal Ah Beng
This was a guy I met while playing DotA. He's from Johor and he constantly whines to me about girls never liking him, that he's too ugly and stupid for anyone to like him. His only problem was probably that he whines so much that he puts a spoilt preteen girl to shame. Anyway, he was always calling me cutesy things like muimui, and one day typed over msn that he imagined me sitting on his lap and he 'stim' edi. LOLWUT? I stopped talking to him after that, and he bombarded me with messages that he felt like killing himself. Oh well.
3. Overrated Nerd
I like nerds, I cannot lie. I mean not those extremely stereotypical types with thick specs and talk about Star Wars/Trek all day, but those quiet, shy types who worked hard and was more sensitive than the average Joe. So anyway, this Overrated Nerd asked me out and since he was in KL, I went out with him. He DITCHED me. FUCK! I was ditched by a nerd! How low can you go? He said he had to go, and so I bought a front-row ticket and ate McDonalds while watching a movie all by myself while waiting for mom to pick me up.
Anyway, after that he still had the nerve to invite me to a party. For some reason, I went anyway. Anyhow, I got there and flirted with his close friend for 4 hours (though I wasn't even interested) and then left the party without even speaking to him. And we never spoke again after that.
4. Cute WoW guy
I liked this boy, I really did. Not in a romantic way, but in a platonic way. He's not such a bad guy. He even named his WoW characters after me, and got them white bunnies as pets.
I got a bit freaked out however, when he messaged me 1200 times in the span of 3 days and I got 5 missed calls and numerous messages while I took a TEN minute shower. He started talking about getting married (although I haven't met him yet) and I have no idea whether he was joking or not, but as a precaution I told him that I wasn't interested in him THAT way...he knows that right?
Then he said I was delusional that I even imagined that and for a while the relationship became a bit strange. But I'm talking to him again now and I still like him. He's a funny guy, that one.
5. Creepy Indian
Indian as a definition, not discrimination. Anyway, I met this guy while working in Australia last July. I arrived to work soaked, after walking in the rain for 10 minutes. Apparently he found my hair AMAZING (or was it amusing?) and he talked to me non-stop cause I was seated next to him by my boss. I worked for 8 hours and during one of the breaks he asked me for my facebook. Thinking nothing of it, I took his phone and saw that it wasn't facebook open, but the phone book.
I looked at him and he said 'ok, write down your number.' I thought that I was going to work with him for another couple of weeks and didn't want to make things nasty so I gave him my number. He became a bit creepy and said he would save me a seat at work so we could sit together. I came late the next day and sat in a different room. He saw me and he knew. He knew I didn't want to sit with him anymore and he walked off.
I never went back to work after that day.
1 month later, after returning to Melbourne from KL, I was shocked to see that he messaged me, asking how was my holiday and welcome back to Melbourne. I only mentioned this in passing and it's amazing how he could remember the exact date. I told him that I was saving phone credit for my bf and won't reply, so he found me on facebook. He said I should go out with him and hinted that no girls ever refuse him.
WTF? I said no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO and ignored him on facebook continuously until he stopped messaging me.
6. <s>Ah Beng Hairdresser</s>
Relatively minor compared to Creepy Indian. Ah Beng Hairdresser went through my whole friendster album and commented on every single one of my hairstyles, telling me which looked good and which didn't. He also told me that to get yellow nail polish stains off my nails, I should soak them in lemon water - it softens the cuticles while bleaching off the stains. Come to think of it, maybe he's gay! @___@ Okay, cross him off then. Until today he still messages me to reenact random DotA stories and ask me for a game. (Though I quit 2 years ago - he should know that!)
6. Schizophrenic Kid
The reason I say he's schizophrenic is because he can act like such a sweet, kind person one moment, and a raging racist bastard the next. Anyway, I was taken in by his sweet side and he added me on msn and subsequently facebook. He told me that I was pretty and had a hot body (the fuck? lol) and why did I choose to study in Melbourne? I should come down to Singapore where he lived instead. He said I should hit him up if I ever went there and he'll give me a personal tour around the place. It was nothing until he started asking about my boyfriend and started making snide remarks. Oh he's a nerd, why are you dating him? You should be dating guys like me, or me! I got slightly irritated by that but agreed to go CS with him after that - then I saw his raging psychopathic side.
Screaming and insulting people for FUN? Oh god, you're exactly the type of person I dislike. *deletes off facebook + blocks msn* He bombarded me with messages in Garena's public channel for days, which I ignored completely. After a few days, he decided that we were finally done. He started screaming about me in the channel, saying that I'm an ugly bitchslutwhore who was meanasfuck.
I didn't know whether to laugh or just be amused by the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing he was doing. My friends told me to keep calm and ignore him, as if his unoriginal comments could piss me off. But I appreciate the thought anyway, guys. :)
***
It was tiring typing all that. So I supposed there were 6 that were significant/fresh enough to remember. There were many more who asked me out/asked for number/flirted with me but I guess it was too long ago/not interesting enough to write up about individually.
Oh and here's a shoutout to clubbing guy who couldn't stop grabbing me round the waist that one time in Maison and grinding up on my ass: I hope you liked that bony elbow in your solar plexus, you idiot.
And just for fun:
7. Misled Girl
Misled Girl asked my classmate for my number and for an intro when she saw me from afar in a group lecture during college. Apparently I CAN pass as a guy to a straight girl. I was very pleased at my versatility but overall I found it amusing that the only time that a normal person showed interest in me was when she thought I was a guy.
I AM A LENGZAI, everyone! Do not forget! AHAHAHA.
And if you were wondering how the fuck that could happen, I had parts of my hair cropped to shorter than an inch with a long fringe. (Shorter than the pic.) Must have been all the rage for college guys back then. I also wore a guys jacket (Not the one in the pic). and I tended to favour this pair of baggy cargo pants for the ice-cold lecture halls. I guess my lack of chest helped too.
Well, haha. Fun times. Anyway to prove I wasn't a total tragedy during college, a guy DID ask me out at ftz for lunch, after checking that I didn't have a boyfriend. But then again my friends told me he was a notorious flirt so I guess that didn't really count.
And last but not least:
8. Gentleman Geek
I met this guy while playing on CS Zombie Mod. It was kind of funny cause I thought he was a girl (his IGN queenofpain) and he thought I was a guy (not many girls play CS.) Anyway we got to know each other for a few months and finally we went out with friends as a group. I thought he was really cute and we went out again after that, alone. I remember being really tweengirly while in the cinema, pretending to fall asleep so I could see how his shoulder feels like. Then when the movie ended (it was really boring anyway) I woke up and pretended I didn't know anything happened.
Anyway I liked him a lot, and I knew he liked me too. But for some reason, he didn't want to make a move. So finally, one drunken night I nearly mauled him to death.
Just kidding.
Having heard about his low alcohol tolerance, I challenged him - cup for cup in the club. Problem was, I didn't stop drinking after he stopped (after the second glass.) And that's the first time I got high off my rockers (after 5 consecutive cups in 15 minutes.) We went to the dance floor, where Viv asked me to dance with him. I stubbornly refused, still having SOME sense of shame even after all that poison in my body.
But you know Viv. Seizing an opportunity, she shoved me REALLY hard and I lost my balance... (come on, I was in heels and inebriated) ...only to land in guess who's arms?
PHEW! SWOON. /clings on happily and promptly attempted to bite his ear off. (Probably why alcohol is also known as liquid courage. Just so you know, I have NEVER done anything like that in my entire life, nor ever planned to. He just smelled so nice. LOL.)
Anyway he was a perfect gentleman and never grabbed my ass or anything (unlike me, drunken whore.) He just brought me outside to have a glass of water when I could no longer stand and I laid face-down and unmoving on the table for a solid 45 minutes. (All this while Viv thought he booked a hotel room and was attempting to rape me. Lol, and that's why we're such good friends.)
And you know what? Even after that, he refused to make a move! Wtf! I threw all my dignity out the window and nothing changed?
But finally, he confessed, right before I left to Melbourne for 4 months. He said that if he didn't say anything now, he would never have the chance again. That was on the 16th of February 2009.
:)
And you know how the story ends.
Blessings
They say when you feel like everything's wrong, count your blessings. I've never really done it before, so here goes:
1. I have the best mommy in the world.
She loves me, she cares about me, and she is so strong that I have nothing but respect and love for her. Perhaps sometimes I may be a bit curt and outright rude when I was younger, but I thoroughly regret it now. Growing older has put many things in perspective for me.
2. I have a great sister who actually tries to take care of me.
I know I may be mentally slapping myself for saying it the next time we get in an argument and piss each other off, but what are siblings for, eh?
3. I have the best boyfriend I could ever have.
He gives and gives and gives and asks for nothing in return. He made me smile tonight when he called me at midnight and said he was at the McD's outside my house, picking up some nuggets and ice cream for me. How he even knew that I skipped dinner, I have no idea. (Mindhack, he says!) He forgoes sleep to stay by my side when I need him, and I think he blows his bank account dry every time I'm back in Malaysia, which is really unfair because I have lots of money but it's stuck in the bank/ATMommy and I can't take it out.
4. As far as I know, I'm healthy.
I'm not sure how long this will last though, given my family history of cancer and hypertension. So far I have low blood pressure though, so I guess I didn't inherit that from mom. (Only time will tell though.)
5. I'm pretty well off.
I live in a nice house, I have a maid, I have 3 dogs, 2 turtles and 1 fish. I have good food to eat (though I normally have no appetite.) I have my own princessy room, my own four-poster bed, and my own handphone.
6. I have my own laptop.
Granted, I paid for this out of my scholarship money, but it's still a pretty kick-ass laptop all round. :) I can game, skype, chat without having to fight for comp-time with my family.
7. I have a lot of freedom.
The first time I got all-out drunk at a club, my mom just laughed and said that well, now I've learned my limit and I won't chug down 5 cups in 15 minutes next time! I have no curfew, I can stay at my friend's homes, my boyfriend can stay at my home (only in the next room lol.)
8. I am studying a course that some people can only dream of.
I've always wanted to do something in the art industry ever since I was like...4? When I grew up and started gaming I never imagined I could study and potentially work in an area that specializes in game design and artwork.
9. I am no bimbo, although I may appear like one sometimes.
I was always within the top 5 of my year in primary, where I was enthusiastic and eager to please. I lost momentum in secondary; I had no interest and despaired going to school. Even so, I wrangled 6As for PMR with less than a week of studying and didn't do too badly for SPM, given that I was DotAing all the way through. (Playing until midnight and waking up at 6 something for the exams.)
10. I've met many good friends throughout my life.
Thank goodness I didn't turn out an airhead or slut or druggie or gangster or something equally crappy. Being in good company helped me grow up level-headed and mostly content.
:)
I think 10 is enough for now. Maybe the next time I feel down I'll post things that make me happy. ^__^ Off to shower and attempt to sleep.
Night.
1. I have the best mommy in the world.
She loves me, she cares about me, and she is so strong that I have nothing but respect and love for her. Perhaps sometimes I may be a bit curt and outright rude when I was younger, but I thoroughly regret it now. Growing older has put many things in perspective for me.
2. I have a great sister who actually tries to take care of me.
I know I may be mentally slapping myself for saying it the next time we get in an argument and piss each other off, but what are siblings for, eh?
3. I have the best boyfriend I could ever have.
He gives and gives and gives and asks for nothing in return. He made me smile tonight when he called me at midnight and said he was at the McD's outside my house, picking up some nuggets and ice cream for me. How he even knew that I skipped dinner, I have no idea. (Mindhack, he says!) He forgoes sleep to stay by my side when I need him, and I think he blows his bank account dry every time I'm back in Malaysia, which is really unfair because I have lots of money but it's stuck in the bank/ATMommy and I can't take it out.
4. As far as I know, I'm healthy.
I'm not sure how long this will last though, given my family history of cancer and hypertension. So far I have low blood pressure though, so I guess I didn't inherit that from mom. (Only time will tell though.)
5. I'm pretty well off.
I live in a nice house, I have a maid, I have 3 dogs, 2 turtles and 1 fish. I have good food to eat (though I normally have no appetite.) I have my own princessy room, my own four-poster bed, and my own handphone.
6. I have my own laptop.
Granted, I paid for this out of my scholarship money, but it's still a pretty kick-ass laptop all round. :) I can game, skype, chat without having to fight for comp-time with my family.
7. I have a lot of freedom.
The first time I got all-out drunk at a club, my mom just laughed and said that well, now I've learned my limit and I won't chug down 5 cups in 15 minutes next time! I have no curfew, I can stay at my friend's homes, my boyfriend can stay at my home (only in the next room lol.)
8. I am studying a course that some people can only dream of.
I've always wanted to do something in the art industry ever since I was like...4? When I grew up and started gaming I never imagined I could study and potentially work in an area that specializes in game design and artwork.
9. I am no bimbo, although I may appear like one sometimes.
I was always within the top 5 of my year in primary, where I was enthusiastic and eager to please. I lost momentum in secondary; I had no interest and despaired going to school. Even so, I wrangled 6As for PMR with less than a week of studying and didn't do too badly for SPM, given that I was DotAing all the way through. (Playing until midnight and waking up at 6 something for the exams.)
10. I've met many good friends throughout my life.
Thank goodness I didn't turn out an airhead or slut or druggie or gangster or something equally crappy. Being in good company helped me grow up level-headed and mostly content.
:)
I think 10 is enough for now. Maybe the next time I feel down I'll post things that make me happy. ^__^ Off to shower and attempt to sleep.
Night.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Relief
I just needed to get all that rage out of my system, I guess.
My (subconsciously decided) new year's resolution was to never let anger get the best of me.
I own anger. It doesn't own me.
I thought I was doing so well, becoming all docile and nearly harmless the past couple of years...looks like it was all a facade. I'm not calm and collected. I LOOK calm and collected.
Haha. Oh well. As long as I release my anger in a controlled environment and manner, there's no harm done. That's what blogs are for, yea? If you feel uncomfortable seeing another side of me, then leave.
Leave like...okay I was going to say something really bitter here but let's call it a day with all the poisonous feelings, alright?
I should think that now most of you can somewhat understand why I refused to date or even hang out certain types of people last time.
I don't do smokers. Don't joke, please. Do you think I feel like watching my friend/loved one slowly kill themselves with all that disgusting smoke? Do you think I'd sit silently, watching you smoke nonchalantly while significantly increasing your risk of nose/throat/lung cancer? All this while my dad did NOTHING to deserve it and got it anyway? Don't fucking joke.
Reckless drivers, risk-takers, people immature enough to fool around on escalators.
I mean it's fine if you want to do it in your own time, I just don't want to be involved.
Ah bengs/gangsters - you think I'd like to watch you get taken out over some tiny petty fight over 'honour' or territory?
Suicidal people - pfft. My life sucks, I don't get enough money from my parents, this boy/girl doesn't love me, I hate school, I hate the establishment, I'm in so much pain I have to free myself from it by KILLING myself, not caring about the people who actually love me and would be devastated to see me go.
(If REALLY, no one loves you AT ALL and you decide to kill yourself over that, sucks to be you. Sucks even more to be to person to clean up your body.)
You're so pathetic it's not even funny. It's better that you remove yourself from our gene pool then. At least you'd be contributing something to the rest of us who actually WANT to live.
Maybe I'm being harsh, but that's the way it is. I don't like losing anyone I care about, and you probably don't either. So why get involved in the first place if you're only going to make me worry and possibly, endure another loss?
Gahh. I was going to make up for the gloomy post yesterday with a happy, jolly post today. But I guess there are still demons within me yet to be exorcised. So much for starting over a new blog and leaving bad memories behind.
The difference between this new blog and the previous one...I used to harbour lots of resentment between my calm old-blogger exterior; now I feel like I can spew all my disappointment, my dissatisfaction, my ugly feelings at no one in particular.
No more protecting the cute, mild bunnie facade. Bring on the painnnnn.
However, I promise to not always be in this mood. And I guess starting over and leaving everything behind is somewhat working. Now I'm releasing things I've been keeping in my heart for years - that's got to be a good thing, right?
:)
Darkbunnie is here. (Hahaha that sounds ridiculous wtf.)
() ()
>'.'< Bunneh?
My (subconsciously decided) new year's resolution was to never let anger get the best of me.
I own anger. It doesn't own me.
I thought I was doing so well, becoming all docile and nearly harmless the past couple of years...looks like it was all a facade. I'm not calm and collected. I LOOK calm and collected.
Haha. Oh well. As long as I release my anger in a controlled environment and manner, there's no harm done. That's what blogs are for, yea? If you feel uncomfortable seeing another side of me, then leave.
Leave like...okay I was going to say something really bitter here but let's call it a day with all the poisonous feelings, alright?
I should think that now most of you can somewhat understand why I refused to date or even hang out certain types of people last time.
I don't do smokers. Don't joke, please. Do you think I feel like watching my friend/loved one slowly kill themselves with all that disgusting smoke? Do you think I'd sit silently, watching you smoke nonchalantly while significantly increasing your risk of nose/throat/lung cancer? All this while my dad did NOTHING to deserve it and got it anyway? Don't fucking joke.
Reckless drivers, risk-takers, people immature enough to fool around on escalators.
I mean it's fine if you want to do it in your own time, I just don't want to be involved.
Ah bengs/gangsters - you think I'd like to watch you get taken out over some tiny petty fight over 'honour' or territory?
Suicidal people - pfft. My life sucks, I don't get enough money from my parents, this boy/girl doesn't love me, I hate school, I hate the establishment, I'm in so much pain I have to free myself from it by KILLING myself, not caring about the people who actually love me and would be devastated to see me go.
(If REALLY, no one loves you AT ALL and you decide to kill yourself over that, sucks to be you. Sucks even more to be to person to clean up your body.)
You're so pathetic it's not even funny. It's better that you remove yourself from our gene pool then. At least you'd be contributing something to the rest of us who actually WANT to live.
Maybe I'm being harsh, but that's the way it is. I don't like losing anyone I care about, and you probably don't either. So why get involved in the first place if you're only going to make me worry and possibly, endure another loss?
Gahh. I was going to make up for the gloomy post yesterday with a happy, jolly post today. But I guess there are still demons within me yet to be exorcised. So much for starting over a new blog and leaving bad memories behind.
The difference between this new blog and the previous one...I used to harbour lots of resentment between my calm old-blogger exterior; now I feel like I can spew all my disappointment, my dissatisfaction, my ugly feelings at no one in particular.
No more protecting the cute, mild bunnie facade. Bring on the painnnnn.
However, I promise to not always be in this mood. And I guess starting over and leaving everything behind is somewhat working. Now I'm releasing things I've been keeping in my heart for years - that's got to be a good thing, right?
:)
Darkbunnie is here. (Hahaha that sounds ridiculous wtf.)
() ()
>'.'< Bunneh?
It's all a sick fucking joke.
Isn't it?
It's like someone decided they hadn't messed with my family enough; hadn't traumatized us enough, so we have to repeat the same fucking scenario again and again while they laugh and point at us, amused to bits.
I'm not saying the powers above has it out for my family - others will say that they are just testing our resilience, letting us show how strong we can really be.
Well, it's not fucking funny anymore, is what I'd like to say to them when I do meet them.
As if watching her life partner die before her wasn't enough, in the past year or so my mom had to watch my father's brother die of the same cancer he had, watch her oldest sister get her kidney cut out due to cancer (thankfully she's recovering,) and most recently watch her second sister go through the same pain she may not even have gotten over.
My uncle just had his whole bloody stomach cut out to guess what? Cancer. The big fucking C that just can't get enough of my family.
Fucking fucking fuck the hell off already, can?
I barely feel any pain or dread anymore. I've felt those twin feelings of doom so often last time that I've learned to block it out effectively. So effectively that I barely blinked when my mom told me that my paternal uncle died. But seeing my mom stressed and near tears all the time, while facing the same repeated ordeal that life loves to toss her way?
I. Can't. Fucking. Deal. Ok?
Seeing my aunt, who NEVER cries in public for emotional reasons, tear up during dinner whilst fearing for her husband's life? No, hell no. I almost want to vomit from it all.
I'm not the only one going through/who has been through this, I am well aware of that.
Let's see, not one, not two, but FIVE friends that I can think of from the top of my head has lost a parent too early. And god knows how many more whose ordeal hasn't ended yet. Not to mention a little girl my family was very fond of...she died at the tender age of 10.
I just feel so crappily hopeless at facing these things. Somehow, watching my uncle losing all hope and preparing to die even while he technically still has a chance to live has me fuming inside.
Look at my dad. He fought for 10 fucking years and kicked cancer's ass 3 fucking times over and spat on it for good measure.
He was so strong that he didn't even lose ANY hair throughout the chemotherapy period of the final bout of cancer.
And how did he die? you may ask.
A bunch of incompetent fucking idiots at the fucking hospital who probably paid $ just to scrape a EMT qualification killed him.
Can you even fucking believe it? 10 fucking years fighting the hard fight, enduring the pain of chemo and radiation, losing his taste buds and appetite for anything at all, only to die of a fucking NOSEBLEED at the hands of some smug retards?
Ha. What a fucking joke. What a sick, fucking, joke.
I would've laughed if I weren't completely torn up inside. Shredded, stomped over with stilettos and shat on.
Even the person who called me from the hospital didn't have a single fucking ounce of sympathy.
When I didn't reply she impatiently snapped at me to stop crying and that she REALLY needed my address so someone could come pick me up, or did I know anyone who could fetch me to the hospital? FYI, passed away is a term that completely pisses me off, if you didn't know already. Dead is dead is DEAD, alright?
Man. Har. Har. Har. Our healthcare system. Har har har. Joke. Ha.
We entrust our lives to these people and they can't even fucking show an ounce of empathy, feigned or otherwise.
Ha.
And my uncle's current doctor? If he isn't a patronizing, smug-ass fucktard without an ounce of manners or respect in his body, well, fuck me silly.
He had the fucking nerve to say my mom knows NOTHING when he doesn't even know her.
NOTHING, after 10 years of dealing with that shit, when in reality, he had all his facts wrong. He didn't even apologize after he discovered his mistake.
Ma de.
Or maybe you should see MY doctor as an example.
I have scoliosis and was suffering from severe backache a couple years back, so I went to see a spine specialist. After waiting more than an hour to see him, he took one look at me, one look at my complaint and promptly told me it was MY problem that I was BORN TOO TALL. Wtf?
He then rolled his eyeballs as I described my symptoms and shooed me out from his clinic after 5 whopping minutes, not bothering to even examine me, charging me hundreds of ringgit for that moronic quip and NO advice at all.
What in the fucking hell?
Or maybe take my friend's mom's oncologist, who told her she was STUPID during a consultation and made her cry.
Well, she's dead now.
I hope you're fucking happy, you bitchass pathetic excuse for a doctor. You're supposed to be HELPING and COMFORTING your patients as they go through this ordeal, not insult and ridicule them.
NEVER fucking become a doctor if you only want the money. Save your 10 years and go be a businessman instead.
Pui.
You'd think I'd have gotten over it by now.
Honestly? I thought I did too.
I guess it turns out that I'm just a tense little ball of bitterness and anger.
Now do you still think I'm a little ray of sunshine? Huh? Do you?
Har har har. Watch me smile and laugh and joke when you next see me, then think about what's hiding beneath all that. : )
Peace.
It's like someone decided they hadn't messed with my family enough; hadn't traumatized us enough, so we have to repeat the same fucking scenario again and again while they laugh and point at us, amused to bits.
I'm not saying the powers above has it out for my family - others will say that they are just testing our resilience, letting us show how strong we can really be.
Well, it's not fucking funny anymore, is what I'd like to say to them when I do meet them.
As if watching her life partner die before her wasn't enough, in the past year or so my mom had to watch my father's brother die of the same cancer he had, watch her oldest sister get her kidney cut out due to cancer (thankfully she's recovering,) and most recently watch her second sister go through the same pain she may not even have gotten over.
My uncle just had his whole bloody stomach cut out to guess what? Cancer. The big fucking C that just can't get enough of my family.
Fucking fucking fuck the hell off already, can?
I barely feel any pain or dread anymore. I've felt those twin feelings of doom so often last time that I've learned to block it out effectively. So effectively that I barely blinked when my mom told me that my paternal uncle died. But seeing my mom stressed and near tears all the time, while facing the same repeated ordeal that life loves to toss her way?
I. Can't. Fucking. Deal. Ok?
Seeing my aunt, who NEVER cries in public for emotional reasons, tear up during dinner whilst fearing for her husband's life? No, hell no. I almost want to vomit from it all.
I'm not the only one going through/who has been through this, I am well aware of that.
Let's see, not one, not two, but FIVE friends that I can think of from the top of my head has lost a parent too early. And god knows how many more whose ordeal hasn't ended yet. Not to mention a little girl my family was very fond of...she died at the tender age of 10.
I just feel so crappily hopeless at facing these things. Somehow, watching my uncle losing all hope and preparing to die even while he technically still has a chance to live has me fuming inside.
Look at my dad. He fought for 10 fucking years and kicked cancer's ass 3 fucking times over and spat on it for good measure.
He was so strong that he didn't even lose ANY hair throughout the chemotherapy period of the final bout of cancer.
And how did he die? you may ask.
A bunch of incompetent fucking idiots at the fucking hospital who probably paid $ just to scrape a EMT qualification killed him.
Can you even fucking believe it? 10 fucking years fighting the hard fight, enduring the pain of chemo and radiation, losing his taste buds and appetite for anything at all, only to die of a fucking NOSEBLEED at the hands of some smug retards?
Ha. What a fucking joke. What a sick, fucking, joke.
I would've laughed if I weren't completely torn up inside. Shredded, stomped over with stilettos and shat on.
Even the person who called me from the hospital didn't have a single fucking ounce of sympathy.
"Hello, your dad just passed away and I need your address."
When I didn't reply she impatiently snapped at me to stop crying and that she REALLY needed my address so someone could come pick me up, or did I know anyone who could fetch me to the hospital? FYI, passed away is a term that completely pisses me off, if you didn't know already. Dead is dead is DEAD, alright?
Man. Har. Har. Har. Our healthcare system. Har har har. Joke. Ha.
We entrust our lives to these people and they can't even fucking show an ounce of empathy, feigned or otherwise.
Ha.
And my uncle's current doctor? If he isn't a patronizing, smug-ass fucktard without an ounce of manners or respect in his body, well, fuck me silly.
He had the fucking nerve to say my mom knows NOTHING when he doesn't even know her.
NOTHING, after 10 years of dealing with that shit, when in reality, he had all his facts wrong. He didn't even apologize after he discovered his mistake.
Ma de.
Or maybe you should see MY doctor as an example.
I have scoliosis and was suffering from severe backache a couple years back, so I went to see a spine specialist. After waiting more than an hour to see him, he took one look at me, one look at my complaint and promptly told me it was MY problem that I was BORN TOO TALL. Wtf?
He then rolled his eyeballs as I described my symptoms and shooed me out from his clinic after 5 whopping minutes, not bothering to even examine me, charging me hundreds of ringgit for that moronic quip and NO advice at all.
What in the fucking hell?
Or maybe take my friend's mom's oncologist, who told her she was STUPID during a consultation and made her cry.
Well, she's dead now.
I hope you're fucking happy, you bitchass pathetic excuse for a doctor. You're supposed to be HELPING and COMFORTING your patients as they go through this ordeal, not insult and ridicule them.
NEVER fucking become a doctor if you only want the money. Save your 10 years and go be a businessman instead.
Pui.
You'd think I'd have gotten over it by now.
Honestly? I thought I did too.
I guess it turns out that I'm just a tense little ball of bitterness and anger.
Now do you still think I'm a little ray of sunshine? Huh? Do you?
Har har har. Watch me smile and laugh and joke when you next see me, then think about what's hiding beneath all that. : )
Peace.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Censored!
So. I realised that my blog readership, however small, may have gravitated to a more male demographic.
I decided that I'll keep more personal issues to myself now. ^__^
I was talking to dear peanut today, and apparently he had a good shock when he read about boobs and ass 2 posts ago. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to have you get out the eye bleach and give your retinas a good scrub.
JUST JOKING!
Instead of me having to censor myself and all my lewdness...MAN UP GUYS! Or are you going to live in your little sheltered world like those ancient greek men? (MEN who ran, screaming and crying, from their brides on their wedding night as they discovered that 'OMG they have hair down there??!!!')
You can blame all those perfect marble statues. You think naked statues of men on women littered all over your streets represent some sort of open-mindedness and acceptance of the human figure? Well, if it's not an accurate representation then you're probably suppressing reality instead of facing the facts.
Recently, I read a well-written post on how trying to protect people from 'detrimental elements' will almost always end up backfiring.
If you're too lazy to read it, basically he talks a little about doomsday and the rapture (sarcastically) and how publishers are attempting to censor the usage of 'nigger' from Samuel Clemens' Huckleberry Finn.
Now, I've never read the book but I can see the point he's driving at. Though it's seen as a racist term, trying to censor a book written in a different era simply because you don't understand the motivations of the writer for using that term is just promoting ignorance and fear of the word in our time.
A commenter likened it to saying Voldemort's name in Harry Potter - fear of the name promotes fear of the thing itself.
Instead of molly-coddling our new generation, why don't we try to expose them to as many things as we can and let them learn from it and decide for themselves what is right and wrong?
You know how they say the sheltered child is mostly likely to go wild once they go to college? Having never tasted freedom before, they are much more prone to breaking free in a more drastic way as compared to those who've had a looser leash when they were young.
I've seen some of my frog-in-the-well (katak di bawah tempurung har har) friends go completely nuts once they've broken free of their parents' hold on them. In a different country, living on their own...no rules, no curfew, no strict supervision.
My first alcoholic drink was when I was 13; my first time clubbing was when I was 16. And now, in my late teens and facing young adulthood where I should be partying it up and getting drunk...I can only say I've been there, done that.
I've made imaginary snow angels on alcohol-soaked club floors.
I've nibbled on a guy under the influence of 5.5 cups of drinks.
I've walked into walls, puked in my own bathroom, got hit on by other guys and giggling at the thought of it all, attempted to walk in a straight line (and failing miserably,) fallen down a flight of stairs (more than once.)
I've also walked hysterical, drunken friends home.
I had to kap liu for almost an hour's car ride as my friend stopped every fucking 5 minutes to heave or throw up on the roadside. (I wouldn't have minded as much if I didn't really really really need to pee.)
I've been punched by drunken boys, had my head done in by a very drunk girlfriend of mine.
I've been in cars of reckless drivers, cars where my friend tried to climb out the window while it was moving.
I've endured full body-aches from hangovers.
I've carried (and dropped, whoops) my passed-out friend up the stairs of her own house while fighting a pounding headache and the urge to pass out myself.
What I can say is, everything has a pretty and ugly side. It's up to us to experience both and decide for ourselves whether it's as hyped up as people make it out to be.
We're teenagers, not complete idiots. Trying to protect us from 'harmful influences' does not necessarily mean that we're going to live a perfect life.
Giving someone alcohol does not mean he or she is going to become an alcoholic. Letting them go clubbing doesn't mean they will become promiscuous. Exposing them to naked people doesn't mean they will become shameless perverts. Taking children to funerals won't traumatize them for life.
It's always good to arm yourself with information and experience new things, be it googling about Khmer Rouge, watching porn, researching how birth control works, or even reading stuff written by shameless bloggers (cough cough.)
It is up to you to decide what you want to do with the information. :3
So here's another to being an unabashed blogger. Cheers!
I've compromised too much; too many aspects of me have been casualties to growing up - my integrity as a writer will not be one of them.
As a plus, here's a blog I love.
Learn to love boobs, guys! Porn and shit oversexualize - even demean - them, but they're a very pretty part of us, like it or not. There's nothing unnatural with worshipping boobs in a non-sexual way, like how we girls appreciate 6-packs and toned arms on guys. With that, here are some girls who adore their own. :D
I decided that I'll keep more personal issues to myself now. ^__^
I was talking to dear peanut today, and apparently he had a good shock when he read about boobs and ass 2 posts ago. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to have you get out the eye bleach and give your retinas a good scrub.
JUST JOKING!
Instead of me having to censor myself and all my lewdness...MAN UP GUYS! Or are you going to live in your little sheltered world like those ancient greek men? (MEN who ran, screaming and crying, from their brides on their wedding night as they discovered that 'OMG they have hair down there??!!!')
You can blame all those perfect marble statues. You think naked statues of men on women littered all over your streets represent some sort of open-mindedness and acceptance of the human figure? Well, if it's not an accurate representation then you're probably suppressing reality instead of facing the facts.
Recently, I read a well-written post on how trying to protect people from 'detrimental elements' will almost always end up backfiring.
If you're too lazy to read it, basically he talks a little about doomsday and the rapture (sarcastically) and how publishers are attempting to censor the usage of 'nigger' from Samuel Clemens' Huckleberry Finn.
Now, I've never read the book but I can see the point he's driving at. Though it's seen as a racist term, trying to censor a book written in a different era simply because you don't understand the motivations of the writer for using that term is just promoting ignorance and fear of the word in our time.
A commenter likened it to saying Voldemort's name in Harry Potter - fear of the name promotes fear of the thing itself.
Instead of molly-coddling our new generation, why don't we try to expose them to as many things as we can and let them learn from it and decide for themselves what is right and wrong?
You know how they say the sheltered child is mostly likely to go wild once they go to college? Having never tasted freedom before, they are much more prone to breaking free in a more drastic way as compared to those who've had a looser leash when they were young.
I've seen some of my frog-in-the-well (katak di bawah tempurung har har) friends go completely nuts once they've broken free of their parents' hold on them. In a different country, living on their own...no rules, no curfew, no strict supervision.
My first alcoholic drink was when I was 13; my first time clubbing was when I was 16. And now, in my late teens and facing young adulthood where I should be partying it up and getting drunk...I can only say I've been there, done that.
I've made imaginary snow angels on alcohol-soaked club floors.
I've nibbled on a guy under the influence of 5.5 cups of drinks.
I've walked into walls, puked in my own bathroom, got hit on by other guys and giggling at the thought of it all, attempted to walk in a straight line (and failing miserably,) fallen down a flight of stairs (more than once.)
I've also walked hysterical, drunken friends home.
I had to kap liu for almost an hour's car ride as my friend stopped every fucking 5 minutes to heave or throw up on the roadside. (I wouldn't have minded as much if I didn't really really really need to pee.)
I've been punched by drunken boys, had my head done in by a very drunk girlfriend of mine.
I've been in cars of reckless drivers, cars where my friend tried to climb out the window while it was moving.
I've endured full body-aches from hangovers.
I've carried (and dropped, whoops) my passed-out friend up the stairs of her own house while fighting a pounding headache and the urge to pass out myself.
What I can say is, everything has a pretty and ugly side. It's up to us to experience both and decide for ourselves whether it's as hyped up as people make it out to be.
We're teenagers, not complete idiots. Trying to protect us from 'harmful influences' does not necessarily mean that we're going to live a perfect life.
Giving someone alcohol does not mean he or she is going to become an alcoholic. Letting them go clubbing doesn't mean they will become promiscuous. Exposing them to naked people doesn't mean they will become shameless perverts. Taking children to funerals won't traumatize them for life.
It's always good to arm yourself with information and experience new things, be it googling about Khmer Rouge, watching porn, researching how birth control works, or even reading stuff written by shameless bloggers (cough cough.)
It is up to you to decide what you want to do with the information. :3
So here's another to being an unabashed blogger. Cheers!
I've compromised too much; too many aspects of me have been casualties to growing up - my integrity as a writer will not be one of them.
As a plus, here's a blog I love.
Learn to love boobs, guys! Porn and shit oversexualize - even demean - them, but they're a very pretty part of us, like it or not. There's nothing unnatural with worshipping boobs in a non-sexual way, like how we girls appreciate 6-packs and toned arms on guys. With that, here are some girls who adore their own. :D
Friday, January 7, 2011
Awry
Plans. I dislike contradicting plans, to say the least.
:/
Was asked out by a friend to go clubbing tonight, but out of respect for my boyfriend's wishes, I said no. With a lame excuse to boot. No money? Hahaaaa. Of course I have money -___- I worked for a month in Melbourne, earning rm400+ a day...I laughed bitterly in my mind as I said it aloud over the phone.
Then Viv said I could follow her instead, then Sam probably won't feel so threatened or worried. Then I realised that wouldn't be appropriate, given that I just rejected my other buddy. What if I bumped into him there? "Oh sorry I decided to come after all. With someone else." ^__^ *nervous laugh*
Also, I wasn't willing to invest more than a 100 bucks for an event that I'm not particularly interested in. So my 'no money' excuse wasn't complete bullshit...no money allocated for these kinds of events would be closer to the truth.
So anyway I lied and I lied and I lied.
And due to unforeseen circumstances (overdosed on drugs! HAHA no, just took too big a dose of cough medicine), my dinner date with my boy was cancelled. And I just cancelled dinner with my extended family...
Ha. Ha ha haaaaa. All these plans, and nothing worked out in the end. :(
No dinner, no date, no clubbing. *sniffs morosely*
I'm not blaming anyone, but it IS very disappointing when things don't go the way you plan.
The worst part is always the lying. The little white lies you say to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
Sigh. But I love my boyfriend enough to do it for him. I already know he feels extremely uneasy when I go clubbing with my girlfriends; going with a another guy without him (even if they know each other) would be toeing the line.
I wish I could split myself into more copies so I could spend time with everyone without offending anyone else. :)
This is not the first time it's happened. :/ There was a night where I had 4 different parties inviting me to go gaming with them. DotA, drafting, L4D2, CS...I turned down a few of them to go with another group.
Then they cancelled on me. Or they postponed it. And the other people had already gone on without me, or went to sleep.
And I ended up alone the whole night.
-__________- Sigh.
And bee, if you're reading this - and I know you are - please don't feel guilty or offended (or both.) I'm just pouting cause I can't have my way all the time. I'm spoilt like that :p
Oh, Sam just called and he's heading over to take me out for late dinner after all. ^__^
Well.
I guess someone up there doesn't want me lonesome tonight. ^_____^
Thank you! (Now I feel guilty for pouting and ranting.)
Ha. :D
:/
Was asked out by a friend to go clubbing tonight, but out of respect for my boyfriend's wishes, I said no. With a lame excuse to boot. No money? Hahaaaa. Of course I have money -___- I worked for a month in Melbourne, earning rm400+ a day...I laughed bitterly in my mind as I said it aloud over the phone.
Then Viv said I could follow her instead, then Sam probably won't feel so threatened or worried. Then I realised that wouldn't be appropriate, given that I just rejected my other buddy. What if I bumped into him there? "Oh sorry I decided to come after all. With someone else." ^__^ *nervous laugh*
Also, I wasn't willing to invest more than a 100 bucks for an event that I'm not particularly interested in. So my 'no money' excuse wasn't complete bullshit...no money allocated for these kinds of events would be closer to the truth.
So anyway I lied and I lied and I lied.
And due to unforeseen circumstances (overdosed on drugs! HAHA no, just took too big a dose of cough medicine), my dinner date with my boy was cancelled. And I just cancelled dinner with my extended family...
Ha. Ha ha haaaaa. All these plans, and nothing worked out in the end. :(
No dinner, no date, no clubbing. *sniffs morosely*
I'm not blaming anyone, but it IS very disappointing when things don't go the way you plan.
The worst part is always the lying. The little white lies you say to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
Sigh. But I love my boyfriend enough to do it for him. I already know he feels extremely uneasy when I go clubbing with my girlfriends; going with a another guy without him (even if they know each other) would be toeing the line.
I wish I could split myself into more copies so I could spend time with everyone without offending anyone else. :)
This is not the first time it's happened. :/ There was a night where I had 4 different parties inviting me to go gaming with them. DotA, drafting, L4D2, CS...I turned down a few of them to go with another group.
Then they cancelled on me. Or they postponed it. And the other people had already gone on without me, or went to sleep.
And I ended up alone the whole night.
-__________- Sigh.
And bee, if you're reading this - and I know you are - please don't feel guilty or offended (or both.) I'm just pouting cause I can't have my way all the time. I'm spoilt like that :p
Oh, Sam just called and he's heading over to take me out for late dinner after all. ^__^
Well.
I guess someone up there doesn't want me lonesome tonight. ^_____^
Thank you! (Now I feel guilty for pouting and ranting.)
Ha. :D
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Best comment of the day
Sitting around, singing to Beatles, reading a girly blog.
Mom comes up.
"Come girl, I wanna take your measurements."
"Uh, okay."
*measure chest*
*measure waist*
*measure ass*
..wait, what?
30" ---> 33"
ARE YOU FARKING KIDDING ME?
My ass grew 3 whole inches? What?
What?
WHAT?
HOW COME I DON'T LOOK FATTER ONE?
No wonder all my pants are tight as hell now wtf. Got muffin top summore, which Sam points out gleefully every opportunity he gets. *shakes fist angrily* -_-
Omaigawddddddd.
On the bright side, my waist shrunk ^__^ Aheeheehaahaa. Now it's a 24.5". When I was 14 years old, it was 25. HAHA all the food went to my ass!
GG.com.my
NVM! NOW I CAN WEAR CHEONGSAM! *___*
But maybe you're wondering about the most important thing:
Did my boobs grow?
2 years ago, before leaving for Melbourne, I weighed myself.
I was 43 kg, which I had been for almost 5 years.
Today, I weigh in at a cool 49 kg. ALMOST THERE. I CAN DO IT. JIA YOU! *cheerful* ^___^
6-7 kg in 2 years NOT BAD RIGHT? Considering I was stagnant at 43 for god knows how many years before that.
So today after lunch, I spoke my cousin.
"Do I look fatter? I put on 3 kg, but can you actually see it?"
She looks at me for a moment, then says the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
"I think your boobs grew bigger."
The sky split open.
Hell froze over.
Deserts flooded.
Icecaps melted.
1 Malaysia happened.
HALLELUJAH BABEH!
JAAAAAAAAACK-POT!
Okay la. Still very small. But but but the point is, there's PROGRESS!
Unlike guys who can't grow any taller after a certain age, we girls can grow bigger boobs ANY TIME WE WANT!
YAY! /dances around maniacally
I'll show you. I'll show every one of you who called me flatty, airport, manchest or whatever hurtful, saddening and heartbreaking name over the past few years.
I'll show you my perfect B-C cups in 2 years. THIS I PROMISE YOU! The arrival of the terrible twins will stun you beyond belief! You will drool til you dehydrate and your eyes pop outta their sockets!
I know what you're thinking...B to C? That ain't big!
But yes they are.
With my kind of frame, those are bazungas already. And no thanks I don't really want saggy Ds bouncing around every time I jump down the last 3 steps at my home.
You'll see! Give me another 2 years and I'll be that hot 22-year-old you regretted teasing as a preteen. *glares*
(And if it doesn't grow I'll just stuff it with tissues. You'll never know the difference ^__^")
Anyway, I'm blogging cause I'm so psyched with my body's progress. WHEEEE! My thighs grew 2-2.5 inches in circumference also. @__@
To think I actually had close to 0 hope for gaining weight 2 years ago.
Current target: 50 kg
Next target: 55 kg
Final target: 57 kg
Gogogo! Fire in the hole!
OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM ^_____^
Back to the dinosaur era
My laptop's power cord died.
I am not sure what happened. :/ There was a thunderstorm, so I turned off the router, unplugged the modem and my laptop. Then I sat and played Audiosurf on batteries for an hour or so.
When the storm subsided, I plugged everything back and resumed playing...only to realize that the light on the power cord was green, meaning it was not charging (it would be orangey-yellow if it were.)
I shrugged it off, thinking that perhaps the colour would change later - maybe its reaction was delayed or something.
3 songs later, in the midst of playing, I was startled to discover that the battery icon was still displayed.
There was no light on the cord.
GG.com
I tried plugging in my handphone charger to the socket and it worked...so it wasn't the socket's problem. I plugged the laptop cord into another (definitely working) socket...and it remained dead.
So here I go, on another trip to the Mac store. -____- The last time was when my laptop was shrieking and it was slightly embarrassing to see everyone in the vicinity wincing from the high-pitched whine.
Let's hope it's something small this time. And I'd be pretty happy if they replace the charger ^__^ The new one plugs in differently and it's prettier!
Anyway, I'm back to mom's pc, which I just cleaned up and deleted 35 GB worth of stuff, INCLUDING all my games.
But no matter. The only games I can play are DotA and CS anyway, with only 512mb of RAM to work with.
So I downloaded Garena again and transferred my CS over from my external drive.
And it WAS pretty nostalgic to play CS on the first pc I started on (ignoring the ftz pc) AND with the first mouse I ever used. My tiger mouse <333
Ahaha 800 dpi wei! It's not so bad.
And with the much smaller resolution + square screen the game felt SO alien to me. -__- On the bright side, my recoil was like 0. Wtf! Who needs recoil hack when you have a cacat pc that does the same thing?
That managed to snag me an invite to the now infamous NGONG clan. Infamous for what? Their huge amount of members? Their relatively secret identities? Their suspicious behaviour in game? Whatever man...I stay out of Garena politics nowadays.
I just found it funny because Sam was just mentioning how I always get clan invites and he almost NEVER gets any. HAHA who's popular nowww? :p
And don't be sexist and say it's cause I'm a girl cause they don't know I'm a girl. So that means they don't want me to be their mascot and wave me around for kicks. (That's what I used to be - the female mascot. -_- I had up to 7 clans at one point in time and that was when I was 23094214x noober than I am now.)
Anyway. I hope that my charger gets fixed by tomorrow so I can go back to my precious laptop :)
I just realised I don't really have a best/good girly friend where I can yap nonsense to. Maybe that's why I used to resort to blogging so much. And I'm resorting to it again.
I mean there are things you talk about with your parents and your partner...but sometimes I just wanna have good, giddy girl talks with my girlfriends you know?
But the coupled up ones are just too busy and blissful to be bothered and the single ones...I don't like to talk to them cause they always pull faces when I talk about my boyfriend. As if I personally came all the way to talk to them just to rub in the fact that they're single.
As if being single is a fatal disease and I came to point and laugh at a them - a dying patient.
But I guess I got what I wanted, in a way. When I was young I wanted to be a boy's girl. One that guys can talk and relate to, and hang out with without feeling bothered.
That's why I used to run around sweaty with the boys when we were kids, played football together, and maybe...just maybe that was the reason I started gaming.
So here I am, with many male acquaintances (not many I'm close with anyway so that's a waste) and fewer female friends than I need. :/
I think I've alienated myself so much from the regular female species that I can't really relate to most of them any more.
When they talk about being fat, the latest fashions, make up, chasing boys, their new haircut...I just smile and try to contribute, but from their faces, I can see that I must have made a faux pas somewhere back there. I'm pret-ty clueless. ^__^''
And I think I care just enough about clothes and guys and my looks (and I even giggle sometimes, woot!) to separate myself from the tomboy pack as well.
And where does that leave me?
No man's landdddddd. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not ecstatic about it either.
:D
From this, maybe you can understand why I clicked so well with one of my closest friends - Viv - when I first met her in college. I'm not saying that she's as he-she-male as I am, but she seems to have both male and female characteristics (in a good way) and thus can communicate with both sexes effortlessly.
To describe our personalities, imagine 2 islands and a river in between. Each island represents a sex and I'm sitting on a boat floating in the middle of the river while she's kind of like a bridge that links both together.
^__^ There. Maybe that explained it better.
Maybe not. Probably not.
OH well!
I'm gonna shower and take an early night since the laptop's down anyway and there's no one I'd like to play with atm :/
Night.
I am not sure what happened. :/ There was a thunderstorm, so I turned off the router, unplugged the modem and my laptop. Then I sat and played Audiosurf on batteries for an hour or so.
When the storm subsided, I plugged everything back and resumed playing...only to realize that the light on the power cord was green, meaning it was not charging (it would be orangey-yellow if it were.)
I shrugged it off, thinking that perhaps the colour would change later - maybe its reaction was delayed or something.
3 songs later, in the midst of playing, I was startled to discover that the battery icon was still displayed.
There was no light on the cord.
GG.com
I tried plugging in my handphone charger to the socket and it worked...so it wasn't the socket's problem. I plugged the laptop cord into another (definitely working) socket...and it remained dead.
So here I go, on another trip to the Mac store. -____- The last time was when my laptop was shrieking and it was slightly embarrassing to see everyone in the vicinity wincing from the high-pitched whine.
Let's hope it's something small this time. And I'd be pretty happy if they replace the charger ^__^ The new one plugs in differently and it's prettier!
Anyway, I'm back to mom's pc, which I just cleaned up and deleted 35 GB worth of stuff, INCLUDING all my games.
But no matter. The only games I can play are DotA and CS anyway, with only 512mb of RAM to work with.
So I downloaded Garena again and transferred my CS over from my external drive.
And it WAS pretty nostalgic to play CS on the first pc I started on (ignoring the ftz pc) AND with the first mouse I ever used. My tiger mouse <333
Ahaha 800 dpi wei! It's not so bad.
And with the much smaller resolution + square screen the game felt SO alien to me. -__- On the bright side, my recoil was like 0. Wtf! Who needs recoil hack when you have a cacat pc that does the same thing?
That managed to snag me an invite to the now infamous NGONG clan. Infamous for what? Their huge amount of members? Their relatively secret identities? Their suspicious behaviour in game? Whatever man...I stay out of Garena politics nowadays.
I just found it funny because Sam was just mentioning how I always get clan invites and he almost NEVER gets any. HAHA who's popular nowww? :p
And don't be sexist and say it's cause I'm a girl cause they don't know I'm a girl. So that means they don't want me to be their mascot and wave me around for kicks. (That's what I used to be - the female mascot. -_- I had up to 7 clans at one point in time and that was when I was 23094214x noober than I am now.)
Anyway. I hope that my charger gets fixed by tomorrow so I can go back to my precious laptop :)
I just realised I don't really have a best/good girly friend where I can yap nonsense to. Maybe that's why I used to resort to blogging so much. And I'm resorting to it again.
I mean there are things you talk about with your parents and your partner...but sometimes I just wanna have good, giddy girl talks with my girlfriends you know?
But the coupled up ones are just too busy and blissful to be bothered and the single ones...I don't like to talk to them cause they always pull faces when I talk about my boyfriend. As if I personally came all the way to talk to them just to rub in the fact that they're single.
As if being single is a fatal disease and I came to point and laugh at a them - a dying patient.
But I guess I got what I wanted, in a way. When I was young I wanted to be a boy's girl. One that guys can talk and relate to, and hang out with without feeling bothered.
That's why I used to run around sweaty with the boys when we were kids, played football together, and maybe...just maybe that was the reason I started gaming.
So here I am, with many male acquaintances (not many I'm close with anyway so that's a waste) and fewer female friends than I need. :/
I think I've alienated myself so much from the regular female species that I can't really relate to most of them any more.
When they talk about being fat, the latest fashions, make up, chasing boys, their new haircut...I just smile and try to contribute, but from their faces, I can see that I must have made a faux pas somewhere back there. I'm pret-ty clueless. ^__^''
And I think I care just enough about clothes and guys and my looks (and I even giggle sometimes, woot!) to separate myself from the tomboy pack as well.
And where does that leave me?
No man's landdddddd. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not ecstatic about it either.
:D
From this, maybe you can understand why I clicked so well with one of my closest friends - Viv - when I first met her in college. I'm not saying that she's as he-she-male as I am, but she seems to have both male and female characteristics (in a good way) and thus can communicate with both sexes effortlessly.
To describe our personalities, imagine 2 islands and a river in between. Each island represents a sex and I'm sitting on a boat floating in the middle of the river while she's kind of like a bridge that links both together.
^__^ There. Maybe that explained it better.
Maybe not. Probably not.
OH well!
I'm gonna shower and take an early night since the laptop's down anyway and there's no one I'd like to play with atm :/
Night.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Oh my, how you've changed!
So last night I was lying in bed after 4 vicious hours of zombie killing (actually not vicious, L4D2 has got to be one of the least terrifying zombie games out there) and I wondered...where the hell is my life going?
Despite a brief hiatus from gaming, I'm practically back to my old unhealthy lifestyle. What a shame. And I made so much progress too.
I gained more than 5 kg in 2 years and managed to leave the house to see the world (I got my first pedicure hohoho.) *__* But addiction is addiction. You know when smokers say they've quit for good and then start smoking again because of some significant event in life or just...circumstances?
Well, my major event is boredom and lack of social skills. I'm sitting at home with no plans whatsoever, shooting zombies or terrorists and whatnot instead.
:(
I guess you can blame my reluctance to socialize for the fact that I've made pathetically few friends in the past...few...ah ok I was never a social butterfly anyway. -__-
Having always been the slightly awkward, gangly loner in any group of friends, my people skills were just stunted to the point of non-existence.
It didn't help that I was half a head (sometimes a whole head) taller than my peers, bony and always engrossed in some book or other. And the fact that my style of speech was deemed 'nerdy' and 'snobby' by most didn't really help either. And I was ugly.
So yea. Um. Okay.
Since those awkward days, I've learned to say the right things, laugh at the right times, wear the right clothes (er sometimes,) go to the right places.
But I wonder if becoming this minishorts-wearing, long-haired magazine-reader with a well-practised (and fake) sheepish smile has really retained any part of the ME that I used to be.
Oh come on, you know I totally kicked ass when I was younger. Now I'm like some watered-down blonde clone of myself that gets her ass pinched in clubs and can't be arsed to do mental arithmetic anymore. (Thank god for handphone calculators.)
On the bright side, I managed to retain enough nerve to whirl around to scratch the ass-pincher's eyes out in a fit of fury and indignance...well, I would have, had he not escaped into the crowd, slinking away with a smirk on his face.
But now...perhaps I can regain some part of my old self by indulging in one of my favourite activities when I was 14. Blogging and telling long-winded accounts of my life to no one in particular. (To no one at all is fine too.)
I feel like retreating into my shell and just lying on my bed all day reading.
And I did. I finished 6 books in the past 4 days and didn't speak to anyone except my family. (Online doesn't count. It's not real interaction until you see their faces and hear their voice.) And I was content.
Being alone is satisfying, in a way that being out and about socializing will never be. In my place and time, it's hard to make true friends anyway. It's rare to find someone who would make the effort to get to know you thoroughly and care for you, despite all your quirks and faults.
But that's ok. It's not like I really make the effort either.
I mean, I have tried but people just call me a nosy parker who hungers for gossip. Oh well. It's the effort that counts, yea?
Anyway, I have nothing to say at the moment. I'm just gonna go lie and my bed and finish another book.
:)
...and wonder if I'm happy now that people think I'm pretty instead of intelligent, like I had always hoped for since I was a young teenager. Was it really worth it? I don't even think I'm exceptionally stunning...conforming to the standards of beauty set by the people around us...no, it doesn't make me feel as good as I thought it would.
However, a person can be both pretty and intelligent, yea?
So here's to my journey of reclaiming my personality. *raises bottle of Vitagen* Cheers.
Despite a brief hiatus from gaming, I'm practically back to my old unhealthy lifestyle. What a shame. And I made so much progress too.
I gained more than 5 kg in 2 years and managed to leave the house to see the world (I got my first pedicure hohoho.) *__* But addiction is addiction. You know when smokers say they've quit for good and then start smoking again because of some significant event in life or just...circumstances?
Well, my major event is boredom and lack of social skills. I'm sitting at home with no plans whatsoever, shooting zombies or terrorists and whatnot instead.
:(
I guess you can blame my reluctance to socialize for the fact that I've made pathetically few friends in the past...few...ah ok I was never a social butterfly anyway. -__-
Having always been the slightly awkward, gangly loner in any group of friends, my people skills were just stunted to the point of non-existence.
It didn't help that I was half a head (sometimes a whole head) taller than my peers, bony and always engrossed in some book or other. And the fact that my style of speech was deemed 'nerdy' and 'snobby' by most didn't really help either. And I was ugly.
So yea. Um. Okay.
Since those awkward days, I've learned to say the right things, laugh at the right times, wear the right clothes (er sometimes,) go to the right places.
But I wonder if becoming this minishorts-wearing, long-haired magazine-reader with a well-practised (and fake) sheepish smile has really retained any part of the ME that I used to be.
Oh come on, you know I totally kicked ass when I was younger. Now I'm like some watered-down blonde clone of myself that gets her ass pinched in clubs and can't be arsed to do mental arithmetic anymore. (Thank god for handphone calculators.)
On the bright side, I managed to retain enough nerve to whirl around to scratch the ass-pincher's eyes out in a fit of fury and indignance...well, I would have, had he not escaped into the crowd, slinking away with a smirk on his face.
But now...perhaps I can regain some part of my old self by indulging in one of my favourite activities when I was 14. Blogging and telling long-winded accounts of my life to no one in particular. (To no one at all is fine too.)
I feel like retreating into my shell and just lying on my bed all day reading.
And I did. I finished 6 books in the past 4 days and didn't speak to anyone except my family. (Online doesn't count. It's not real interaction until you see their faces and hear their voice.) And I was content.
Being alone is satisfying, in a way that being out and about socializing will never be. In my place and time, it's hard to make true friends anyway. It's rare to find someone who would make the effort to get to know you thoroughly and care for you, despite all your quirks and faults.
But that's ok. It's not like I really make the effort either.
I mean, I have tried but people just call me a nosy parker who hungers for gossip. Oh well. It's the effort that counts, yea?
Anyway, I have nothing to say at the moment. I'm just gonna go lie and my bed and finish another book.
:)
...and wonder if I'm happy now that people think I'm pretty instead of intelligent, like I had always hoped for since I was a young teenager. Was it really worth it? I don't even think I'm exceptionally stunning...conforming to the standards of beauty set by the people around us...no, it doesn't make me feel as good as I thought it would.
However, a person can be both pretty and intelligent, yea?
So here's to my journey of reclaiming my personality. *raises bottle of Vitagen* Cheers.
A change of scenery
I've been blogging for 6 years.
Actively for 4 years and sporadically for 2 years.
Under close scrutiny for 3 years and in relative anonymity for the other 3 years.
I guess I needed a change of scenery. A new template, a new name, a fresh start. It's a new year again after all.
Maybe this blog will fade away like all the others - a fad, a temporary emotional dump site. Maybe it will stay; a home for all my ramblings and rants and musings and whinings.
Anyway. Time to sleep. I just felt like doing this, although it is already 7 am and my newfound healthy sleep cycle is totally ruined.
Mom credits that for my clear skin. I look so much better now blablabla...and I'm glad that I look better. Yeah. But old habits die hard. I guess I shoulda double-tapped this one, cause it's alive and kicking again.
Hello late-night gaming, daytime hibernation and bad skin.
:) It's been a while.
Actively for 4 years and sporadically for 2 years.
Under close scrutiny for 3 years and in relative anonymity for the other 3 years.
I guess I needed a change of scenery. A new template, a new name, a fresh start. It's a new year again after all.
Maybe this blog will fade away like all the others - a fad, a temporary emotional dump site. Maybe it will stay; a home for all my ramblings and rants and musings and whinings.
Anyway. Time to sleep. I just felt like doing this, although it is already 7 am and my newfound healthy sleep cycle is totally ruined.
Mom credits that for my clear skin. I look so much better now blablabla...and I'm glad that I look better. Yeah. But old habits die hard. I guess I shoulda double-tapped this one, cause it's alive and kicking again.
Hello late-night gaming, daytime hibernation and bad skin.
:) It's been a while.
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