Another season has passed. Classes seem like they were a loooong time ago, when in reality it has only been slightly over a month since my second year ended.
Results came out and crushed my confidence again. It hurts to see the assignment that you've put so much time and dedication into to lose out to your classmates' who've done theirs in a half-arsed manner.
It's times like these where I question my standard of quality in the final product. I know it can only be harmful to directly compare your artwork to someone else's. Beauty is so subjective. Perhaps my assignment that I've spent 2 months on just didn't appeal to my teacher. So many times I have watched a classmate get an HD with a mere week's work (which doesn't even look good in my opinion) and it HURTS.
It hurts my self-esteem and my motivation to continue doing what I'm doing. I remember how disappointed I was when I got 1 HD and 3 Ds for the previous semester. Now I got all Ds - not a single HD. I was shocked and disappointed as I had been getting HDs for the previous milestones throughout this semester.
To average out to a D...my final assignments must have been pretty shitty in my teachers' eyes.
Fuck.
Sigh.
So, what am doing everyday now that there are no more classes or assignments?
I've been working. I get 75 bucks per hour doing a simple but exhausting job. I'm so bloody rich now and even if I buy two 24" LED screens when I come home, I'll still have plenty leftover.
Sadly, I'd rather have gotten 4 HDs than be a few thousand bucks richer. And I don't intend to spend the rest of my money as the apartment that my mom bought is going to be handed over to us next week, meaning that we have to pay up.
Money's gonna be slightly tighter as we repay the housing loan so I don't plan to splurge any more after I buy my screen.
I want to go home. My mood's been pretty low lately. I miss Sam, I miss my home, my bed, my dogs.
I've been playing lots of CS lately. I've finally made the decision to play in Steam at least half the time now, and begin detaching myself from Garena. I realize that I have not improved much in the years I've played there - firstly because I'm lagging, secondly because the players are just not very good.
If I keep playing with sub-par players, my skill is only ever going to remain average, no matter how much I play. So, here's to challenging myself by playing with more highly skilled players :3
These few days my average KDR in Garena is 2:1, and 1:1 in Steam.
I don't value KDR much, but I think it's a pretty good yardstick to measure the difference in the opponent's skills.
The good players in Garena can't hold a candle to the average player in Steam.
I hate playing without my friends. I don't like feeling alone, although it's only a game. Oh well, I'll make new friends. :) I'll learn the aussie CS slang and be a super complaint player and follow whatever they say to improve. I'll stop being embarrassed when I try and fail to do something new.
Somehow I don't feel as incensed when an Aussie player taunts me, compared to a Malaysian player. I think losing to a good player doesn't hurt as much as being insulted by an incompetent fool who got lucky :/
Anyway, I can't wait for Dota2. I can't wait to go home and download all the new games I've bought on Steam. I can't wait for Steam's xmas sales :D
I just want to home, get my laptop's innards cleaned out and rest my head and boy's shoulder.
I'm tired and I just don't know why.
Hello Summer.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Obliviousness
This morning I had a minor identity crisis when a friend expressed relief (and perhaps joy) at his friend's breakup with a bitchy girl.
Suddenly, I doubted myself. What if I was the bitchy girlfriend that all her boyfriend's friends hated? If Sam and I ever breakup, would his friends pat him on the back and say 'good on you, you were better off without that crazy bitch'?
What if I was that horrible, possessive and obssesive girlfriend that I hate so much?
My friend hurriedly reassured me that I was not - I think he panicked, thinking that he had somehow single-handedly induced an anxiety attack in my soul of stone.
I wanted to believe him, but I reasoned (very unreasonably) with myself that if I WERE a bitchy person, my friends wouldn't dare to tell me so, right? So I turned to the most important person for advice - my boyfriend himself.
And honestly, he wasn't that helpful because all he said was that it was up to me to decide. If I feel something wrong, then fix it and I'll be fiiine.
(I was hoping for something more along the lines of 'you're so sweet and kind and nice and awesome and pretty and loveable that NO ONE could hate you <3 <3 <3' but no. Didn't happen.)
I was like 'WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? OMG I'M TOTALLY A BITCH ASDFJKL;!"
Then, the very next moment I was like, fuck that shizzz! If people don't like me, they can find themselves a new friend! Hell naw, I'm not changing just because some people dislike me. Too coarse, too clumsy, too rough, too masculine bladiblablablah. *eyeroll*
I like myself and my opinion takes precedence over those of people who don't. (That barely made sense. Sorry, I'm sleepy.)
MEHHH.
Later, I remembered the time when my friend came over to stay, bringing along 2 female friends of his that I have never met before.
After a night at my place, they left to stay somewhere else. Before leaving my home, one of the girls unexpectedly gave me a hug goodbye and said:
It was so blunt and unreal (it's more likely to see this in an anime with the naive heroine expressing her feelings openly to people, and not in real life) that I was taken aback, not sure if it was a compliment or insult. Well, I guess that means my face/house/pictures/posture/speech is snooty enough to be considered bitchy, but underneath that curtain of spikes, I DO possess a heart of gold after all.
Ha! Heart of gold! *snort*
Take that haters! Even strangers like me :3 :3
Well. Anyway, if the day comes that I break up with my boy (CHOI) and his friends openly admit that they hated me all along...I can say I was not surprised, after having this mini introspection session with myself.
*sigh*
And I will thank them for putting up with me for so long. Giving me face just because I'm their friend's girlfriend. Mmm. Some people really ARE tolerant. If my friend had a bitchy girl/boyfriend I don't know if I could keep my barbed tongue still.
^__^ I'm sleepy. Good night.
Suddenly, I doubted myself. What if I was the bitchy girlfriend that all her boyfriend's friends hated? If Sam and I ever breakup, would his friends pat him on the back and say 'good on you, you were better off without that crazy bitch'?
What if I was that horrible, possessive and obssesive girlfriend that I hate so much?
My friend hurriedly reassured me that I was not - I think he panicked, thinking that he had somehow single-handedly induced an anxiety attack in my soul of stone.
I wanted to believe him, but I reasoned (very unreasonably) with myself that if I WERE a bitchy person, my friends wouldn't dare to tell me so, right? So I turned to the most important person for advice - my boyfriend himself.
And honestly, he wasn't that helpful because all he said was that it was up to me to decide. If I feel something wrong, then fix it and I'll be fiiine.
(I was hoping for something more along the lines of 'you're so sweet and kind and nice and awesome and pretty and loveable that NO ONE could hate you <3 <3 <3' but no. Didn't happen.)
I was like 'WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? OMG I'M TOTALLY A BITCH ASDFJKL;!"
Then, the very next moment I was like, fuck that shizzz! If people don't like me, they can find themselves a new friend! Hell naw, I'm not changing just because some people dislike me. Too coarse, too clumsy, too rough, too masculine bladiblablablah. *eyeroll*
I like myself and my opinion takes precedence over those of people who don't. (That barely made sense. Sorry, I'm sleepy.)
MEHHH.
Later, I remembered the time when my friend came over to stay, bringing along 2 female friends of his that I have never met before.
After a night at my place, they left to stay somewhere else. Before leaving my home, one of the girls unexpectedly gave me a hug goodbye and said:
"I'm glad you were nice. When I saw you I thought you were going to be very bitchy, but I really like you!"
It was so blunt and unreal (it's more likely to see this in an anime with the naive heroine expressing her feelings openly to people, and not in real life) that I was taken aback, not sure if it was a compliment or insult. Well, I guess that means my face/house/pictures/posture/speech is snooty enough to be considered bitchy, but underneath that curtain of spikes, I DO possess a heart of gold after all.
Ha! Heart of gold! *snort*
Take that haters! Even strangers like me :3 :3
Well. Anyway, if the day comes that I break up with my boy (CHOI) and his friends openly admit that they hated me all along...I can say I was not surprised, after having this mini introspection session with myself.
*sigh*
And I will thank them for putting up with me for so long. Giving me face just because I'm their friend's girlfriend. Mmm. Some people really ARE tolerant. If my friend had a bitchy girl/boyfriend I don't know if I could keep my barbed tongue still.
^__^ I'm sleepy. Good night.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I am the ultimate procrastinator
Yeap. I am feeling better today so this probably won't be a depressing post (probably.)
My dearest Sam is going to Phuket for the weekend and I miss his company already :( I don't seem to appreciate it that much when he's here, but the moment he's gone I realize how much I enjoy just sitting in silence with him (with the webcam on.)
So, I was thinking about him and for no apparent reason I started imagining what our kids would look like. And nah, he's not going to freak out reading this since I'm the one with more commitment issues than he has.
So. Our kid will look something the list below, if I take the average/best features from the both of us.
- Super black hair
- Medium-big eyes with double eyelids (oh yes!)
- A medium-big sharp nose (please don't have my nose)
- Lips are debatable, since he has full lips with a very defined curve on his top lip, whereas I...have no top lip. If we had a girl I'd like her to have my doll-sized lips with his lip curvature
- Pointed/long face
- Roughly 5' 7"/8"
- Very skinny
- Smart but lazy
- Will love CS or its future equivalent and RTS/looting games
- Will speak english, chinese, cantonese, hakka and whatever dialect Sam can teach (I can only contribute english, sorry)
- LOVE animals, especially dogs
- Nasty temper (I can't imagine if the child receives his/her temper form both parents and doubles its potency...GG)
- Has no problem socializing but will probably have very few close friends in his/her lifetime
That's all I can think of at the moment. I do understand that genetics only go so far, and personality can be shaped by many other factors, so consider this an idealistic outcome from predictions based on our current personality and appearance.
...alright. I should be doing my work instead of thinking about my future offspring. Unlike many other people, I have a strong desire for my children to turn out like me, and that I can be the parent that my parents were to me.
I must have had one of the least emotionally-damaging childhoods of any person I know. Unlike Sam who had a tumultuous childhood, mine was pretty fair and consistent. Although I sometimes resented my parents as I was a child, now I realize that parents probably don't get any better than mine.
I hope that I am just as capable of instilling independence, sensibility and a strong sense of right and wrong in my children.
Of course, saying all this doesn't mean I want to or am ready to have kids any time soon. I'll probably have my first kid when I'm 30 or something. >_> I don't even like babies at the moment - they're just red, shapeless, crying, snot-filled potatoes to me right now.
When I hear about women in their mid-late 20s who experience a sudden flare-up of their maternal instincts, it scares me. I can't imagine myself cooing over babies or going crazy over toddler's clothing. -.- Even now I have a hard time handling my adorable 4-year-old niece. I mean, I really sayang her and all, but I just find it so hard to relate or communicate with kids. They're like aliens to me.
The worst thing a kid could ever ask of me is - no, not changing their diapers, though that's pretty horrific too - but "can you tell me a story? A FUNNY story?"
OH JUST SHOOT ME.
I have NO idea what children find funny. Sometimes (no make that EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME) my attempts at kids humour will fall flat on its face and I'm left feeling like an absolutely humourless moron when children just stare at me wide-eyed or with the -.- face after I tell them a 'joke'.
?!
When my friend said she might try to get a job as a babysitter I just blanched and went "why on earth would you do that?"
She shrugged and said it was easy and it pays well.
O____O
O....kay....
Anyway, enough about children. Sam might think that I'm feeling very fertile and decide to make moves that would maximize my fertile potential (ie fuck me senseless) and I don't want that. Mom still says no sex before 21 and I have like...a 7-month frame of safety before I can start to think about this important decision.
ANYHOW. Before I go into oversharing territory, let me tell you some random, inane, probably uninteresting story to make you forget what I just said.
Today, Melbourne reached the scorching temperature of 32 degrees celcius - which is pretty normal in Malaysia, but pretty damn hot here (if it's not summer) and it feels even hotter when it was 20 degrees the previous day.
I woke up pretty late and felt super drowsy and lazy due to the warmth. Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAVE to go work on my assignment at uni (it's due on the 15th and I have to submit a draft before then, dammit) so I dragged myself around my house, getting ready and picking my hot weather outfit and then dragged my lazy ass out the door into the sunshine.
And I sweated. Urgh. To reward myself for getting out of the house on a hot day like this (to do assignments, no less) I decided to buy myself a giant cup of Boost juice, which naturally, involved going a looooong way (okay, 1 block) out of my way to obtain my sweet prize. Then, I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up my favourite burger before heading back to the lab to do work (and bask in some welcome air-conditioning.)
With a giant cup and burger in hand, I fumbled around for my wallet, which contained the after-hours access card that allows me entry into my building during non-academic times.
I finally coaxed the wallet out of my huge bag after some clumsy fiddling around with my full hands, and I pressed it to the scanner.
Nothing happened.
I pressed it again and again, hoping that it just failed to read the first time. Still nothing. I tried to pick the student card out of the wallet to scan it individually (maybe my wallet was too thick now) and I dropped my debit card on the floor as a girl came up behind me, wanting to get into the building.
Feeling relieved, I let her get the door as I scooped up my debit card and entered the building.
Suddenly, I a recent memory punched me in the head - my card was in my coat. Which I didn't bring today. Because it was hot.
Without the card, I couldn't gain access to my lab, which was behind 2 locked doors.
DAMMIT.
I WALKED AROUND THE CITY IN HOT WEATHER, WITH PERFECTLY GOOD AND HEALTHY INTENTIONS FOR NOTHINGGGGG.
T___T I called my friends but no one was nearby to lend me their card or grant me access to their building.
I finished my burger sadly and walked home. And I sweated again.
And...to console myself on my misfortune, I sat down and played HoN.
I tried to do work after some CS. But the words wouldn't come.
So, I ended up writing this >1200 word long blog post instead of doing my assignment, which requires less than 1/3 the length of this post.
...
Okay. The end. No more increasing the word count of this post and making me feel even shittier.
-_- Good night.
My dearest Sam is going to Phuket for the weekend and I miss his company already :( I don't seem to appreciate it that much when he's here, but the moment he's gone I realize how much I enjoy just sitting in silence with him (with the webcam on.)
So, I was thinking about him and for no apparent reason I started imagining what our kids would look like. And nah, he's not going to freak out reading this since I'm the one with more commitment issues than he has.
So. Our kid will look something the list below, if I take the average/best features from the both of us.
- Super black hair
- Medium-big eyes with double eyelids (oh yes!)
- A medium-big sharp nose (please don't have my nose)
- Lips are debatable, since he has full lips with a very defined curve on his top lip, whereas I...have no top lip. If we had a girl I'd like her to have my doll-sized lips with his lip curvature
- Pointed/long face
- Roughly 5' 7"/8"
- Very skinny
- Smart but lazy
- Will love CS or its future equivalent and RTS/looting games
- Will speak english, chinese, cantonese, hakka and whatever dialect Sam can teach (I can only contribute english, sorry)
- LOVE animals, especially dogs
- Nasty temper (I can't imagine if the child receives his/her temper form both parents and doubles its potency...GG)
- Has no problem socializing but will probably have very few close friends in his/her lifetime
That's all I can think of at the moment. I do understand that genetics only go so far, and personality can be shaped by many other factors, so consider this an idealistic outcome from predictions based on our current personality and appearance.
...alright. I should be doing my work instead of thinking about my future offspring. Unlike many other people, I have a strong desire for my children to turn out like me, and that I can be the parent that my parents were to me.
I must have had one of the least emotionally-damaging childhoods of any person I know. Unlike Sam who had a tumultuous childhood, mine was pretty fair and consistent. Although I sometimes resented my parents as I was a child, now I realize that parents probably don't get any better than mine.
I hope that I am just as capable of instilling independence, sensibility and a strong sense of right and wrong in my children.
Of course, saying all this doesn't mean I want to or am ready to have kids any time soon. I'll probably have my first kid when I'm 30 or something. >_> I don't even like babies at the moment - they're just red, shapeless, crying, snot-filled potatoes to me right now.
When I hear about women in their mid-late 20s who experience a sudden flare-up of their maternal instincts, it scares me. I can't imagine myself cooing over babies or going crazy over toddler's clothing. -.- Even now I have a hard time handling my adorable 4-year-old niece. I mean, I really sayang her and all, but I just find it so hard to relate or communicate with kids. They're like aliens to me.
The worst thing a kid could ever ask of me is - no, not changing their diapers, though that's pretty horrific too - but "can you tell me a story? A FUNNY story?"
OH JUST SHOOT ME.
I have NO idea what children find funny. Sometimes (no make that EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME) my attempts at kids humour will fall flat on its face and I'm left feeling like an absolutely humourless moron when children just stare at me wide-eyed or with the -.- face after I tell them a 'joke'.
?!
When my friend said she might try to get a job as a babysitter I just blanched and went "why on earth would you do that?"
She shrugged and said it was easy and it pays well.
O____O
O....kay....
Anyway, enough about children. Sam might think that I'm feeling very fertile and decide to make moves that would maximize my fertile potential (ie fuck me senseless) and I don't want that. Mom still says no sex before 21 and I have like...a 7-month frame of safety before I can start to think about this important decision.
ANYHOW. Before I go into oversharing territory, let me tell you some random, inane, probably uninteresting story to make you forget what I just said.
Today, Melbourne reached the scorching temperature of 32 degrees celcius - which is pretty normal in Malaysia, but pretty damn hot here (if it's not summer) and it feels even hotter when it was 20 degrees the previous day.
I woke up pretty late and felt super drowsy and lazy due to the warmth. Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAVE to go work on my assignment at uni (it's due on the 15th and I have to submit a draft before then, dammit) so I dragged myself around my house, getting ready and picking my hot weather outfit and then dragged my lazy ass out the door into the sunshine.
And I sweated. Urgh. To reward myself for getting out of the house on a hot day like this (to do assignments, no less) I decided to buy myself a giant cup of Boost juice, which naturally, involved going a looooong way (okay, 1 block) out of my way to obtain my sweet prize. Then, I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up my favourite burger before heading back to the lab to do work (and bask in some welcome air-conditioning.)
With a giant cup and burger in hand, I fumbled around for my wallet, which contained the after-hours access card that allows me entry into my building during non-academic times.
I finally coaxed the wallet out of my huge bag after some clumsy fiddling around with my full hands, and I pressed it to the scanner.
Nothing happened.
I pressed it again and again, hoping that it just failed to read the first time. Still nothing. I tried to pick the student card out of the wallet to scan it individually (maybe my wallet was too thick now) and I dropped my debit card on the floor as a girl came up behind me, wanting to get into the building.
Feeling relieved, I let her get the door as I scooped up my debit card and entered the building.
Suddenly, I a recent memory punched me in the head - my card was in my coat. Which I didn't bring today. Because it was hot.
Without the card, I couldn't gain access to my lab, which was behind 2 locked doors.
DAMMIT.
I WALKED AROUND THE CITY IN HOT WEATHER, WITH PERFECTLY GOOD AND HEALTHY INTENTIONS FOR NOTHINGGGGG.
T___T I called my friends but no one was nearby to lend me their card or grant me access to their building.
I finished my burger sadly and walked home. And I sweated again.
And...to console myself on my misfortune, I sat down and played HoN.
I tried to do work after some CS. But the words wouldn't come.
So, I ended up writing this >1200 word long blog post instead of doing my assignment, which requires less than 1/3 the length of this post.
...
Okay. The end. No more increasing the word count of this post and making me feel even shittier.
-_- Good night.
Friday, November 4, 2011
People-hating (again)
The time has come where I've achieved some sort of a temporary mental burnout. Or it could just be mood swings from PMS.
Today is one of those bright sunny days where I feel like a complete slob. Passive, lethargic, lazy, demotivated.
It makes absolutely no sense because about a week ago I was all gung-ho from work, feeling like the proest gamer, the prettiest girl, the nicest friend, the most hardworking student, the best designer.
Today what I feel like = polar opposites from my sky-high mood last week.
I'm lazy. I'm a noob, I'm ugly, bitchy, lazy and can't even get Maya to work for me. (It crashed twice in less than 30 mins)
My one comfort is knowing that this feeling will pass, as it has, unfailingly, the last hundred times I felt this way. Downtrodden, mean and self-pitying. And feeling even worse due to the aforementioned feelings.
And no, before you ask, I'm not on drugs. I'm not pregnant or ingesting any mood or hormone altering substance.
It will pass.
Next week I'm going to be cheerful, nice and happy-go-lucky again. I think I've spent all my 'LET'S DO THIS' energy and it's time to recharge some of that optimism.
Today, I'm going to stay at home and let my mind have it's own bitch fight with itself.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for expecting everyone else to be.
I'm just tired of people pretending to be my friend and then leaving passive aggressive comments whenever I have the slightest feeling of achievement.
I post a work in progress and inevitably the person will pop up from the woodwork to say something shitty about it and disappear back to wherever he came from.
I put up a picture of myself and some person who I've not spoken to in ages makes a vague comment about how I'm not attractive or whatever.
I feel like I'm playing really well one day, and some stranger who knows me HAS to pop up and say how fucking noob I am.
Seriously?
Is it really your life's pleasure to put other people down?
I understand if it's constructive criticism or if my close friends call me a narcissistic asshole, but strangers or mere acquaintances DO NOT have the right to put me down like they are fucking gods and goddesses.
Call it tall poppy syndrome, or crabs in a bucket syndrome.
Whenever someone is feeling good about themselves or enjoyed a little bit of success, these parasitic people will just appear from obscurity and try to pull you down to the level at which they are trapped because they are incapable of self-improvement, instead choosing to hinder people from moving onward and upward.
First thing after I finish all my assignments and reach the end of my employment period this year is to get onto facebook and sever all connections to these poisonous people.
I almost did it that time when I learned one of the gamers had been backstabbing me. I did not know who it was and was ready to delete every single of them. However, I slept on it my decision and decided it was probably not a good idea to alienate the innocent people who didn't mean any harm.
But now, in my current state of mind, I've decided once again that when I have time, I'm going to weed out all the people I don't like but hesitate to sever ties with because they still pepper me with ass-kissing/we're-still-friends-right? words in between their veiled taunts.
I think too many people often force themselves to tolerate 'friends' like these.
Some people may think I'm immune to derogatory comments or callous jokes just because I'm 'strong/ independent/resilient/doesn't give a flying fuck.' Well, to a certain degree, yes, I don't care if you tell me I'm ugly, talentless or annoying.
But because people think these comments don't hurt me, they just use it more often, and eventually my strength and resilience breaks down and I do start to give a flying fuck.
What drives me nuts are that these cowards often hide behind their keyboard and screen to fling insults and do their mudslinging.
There was a gamer guy was initially very nice to me because I was a girl and could beat the shit out of him at CS even when I was a newbie. He'd say sweet things and I'd play with him although I thought he was a total airhead.
It all went well until one day he asked me for my picture, and curious to see his reaction, I gave him a picture of a fat girl that I googled. He said something along the lines of 'wa, so meaty' and after that, he stopped playing with me and halted his river of sweet words.
Whenever I said hi to him after that, he treated me like a near stranger and often made little insidious comments and referred to me as 'that chubby girl' or 'meaty person.'
Fast forward 3 years later, he found me on facebook and realised that I wasn't fat at all. And that all his comments about me being the fat gamer girl had flown over my head and that he probably made a fool of himself in front of the other gamers who knew what I actually looked like.
He then tried to minimize his embarrassment by implying that he was misled - that I gave him the wrong friendster profile and made him believe I was fat when I wasn't. Right. As if that excused his terrible treatment and horrible manners - it's okay to be rude to a fat girl right? In other words, he was saying that if he had known that I wasn't fat, he wouldn't have treated me that way.
So I called him out on it.
I said that assholes like him will never treat a girl on the internet well if the girl in question is not skinny or pretty like he wants them to be.
He retaliated by turning his simpering/guilty puppy attitude around and insulting me once more by saying that 'maybe guys don't like skinny girls, we like girls with a bit of meat on them.'
-_- I know right? Fat AND skinny hater.
I told him that well okay, that really explained why he was so NICE to me when he thought I was a meaty girl.
Bitch doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like he wants a pretty girl who is not skinny and not fat, when he himself isn't even a nice, smart or good-looking person.
Another friend of mine said that I was mean to fat girls, because I chose to google a fat girl's picture to show him, instead of mine.
I said that I have nothing against fat girls, but I do know how some people see and treat them, and I wanted to know whether this boy was that kind of person.
And as it turns out, it was. I don't regret it one bit.
I'd much rather lose another shitty guy that pretends to like me 'as I am', ie. pretty and demure, than to stay 'friends' with a 2-faced leech.
Yay, another people-hating post. I'd end with the 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore' meme but I can't be bothered to look it up, and I'm too hipster for that shit anyway.
Today is one of those bright sunny days where I feel like a complete slob. Passive, lethargic, lazy, demotivated.
It makes absolutely no sense because about a week ago I was all gung-ho from work, feeling like the proest gamer, the prettiest girl, the nicest friend, the most hardworking student, the best designer.
Today what I feel like = polar opposites from my sky-high mood last week.
I'm lazy. I'm a noob, I'm ugly, bitchy, lazy and can't even get Maya to work for me. (It crashed twice in less than 30 mins)
My one comfort is knowing that this feeling will pass, as it has, unfailingly, the last hundred times I felt this way. Downtrodden, mean and self-pitying. And feeling even worse due to the aforementioned feelings.
And no, before you ask, I'm not on drugs. I'm not pregnant or ingesting any mood or hormone altering substance.
It will pass.
Next week I'm going to be cheerful, nice and happy-go-lucky again. I think I've spent all my 'LET'S DO THIS' energy and it's time to recharge some of that optimism.
Today, I'm going to stay at home and let my mind have it's own bitch fight with itself.
She wears so much makeup and she's still ugly.
You're no looker yourself.
That asshole is a fucking noob and still dares to boss people around, shithead can't see his own flaws.
Eh, you're not so pro either ok?
That couple is positively nauseating and their chemistry is so unbalanced I feel uncomfortable looking at them.
You're overreacting. They have always been nice to you except for little lapses of judgement.
I feel guilty for thinking bitchy thoughts about my friends.
It's okay, they probably think bitchily about you sometimes, too.
You're a terrible girlfriend, you suffocate your boy and expect the world from him.
Yes, yes, I am. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for expecting everyone else to be.
I'm just tired of people pretending to be my friend and then leaving passive aggressive comments whenever I have the slightest feeling of achievement.
I post a work in progress and inevitably the person will pop up from the woodwork to say something shitty about it and disappear back to wherever he came from.
I put up a picture of myself and some person who I've not spoken to in ages makes a vague comment about how I'm not attractive or whatever.
I feel like I'm playing really well one day, and some stranger who knows me HAS to pop up and say how fucking noob I am.
Seriously?
Is it really your life's pleasure to put other people down?
I understand if it's constructive criticism or if my close friends call me a narcissistic asshole, but strangers or mere acquaintances DO NOT have the right to put me down like they are fucking gods and goddesses.
Call it tall poppy syndrome, or crabs in a bucket syndrome.
Whenever someone is feeling good about themselves or enjoyed a little bit of success, these parasitic people will just appear from obscurity and try to pull you down to the level at which they are trapped because they are incapable of self-improvement, instead choosing to hinder people from moving onward and upward.
First thing after I finish all my assignments and reach the end of my employment period this year is to get onto facebook and sever all connections to these poisonous people.
I almost did it that time when I learned one of the gamers had been backstabbing me. I did not know who it was and was ready to delete every single of them. However, I slept on it my decision and decided it was probably not a good idea to alienate the innocent people who didn't mean any harm.
But now, in my current state of mind, I've decided once again that when I have time, I'm going to weed out all the people I don't like but hesitate to sever ties with because they still pepper me with ass-kissing/we're-still-friends-right? words in between their veiled taunts.
I think too many people often force themselves to tolerate 'friends' like these.
Some people may think I'm immune to derogatory comments or callous jokes just because I'm 'strong/ independent/resilient/doesn't give a flying fuck.' Well, to a certain degree, yes, I don't care if you tell me I'm ugly, talentless or annoying.
But because people think these comments don't hurt me, they just use it more often, and eventually my strength and resilience breaks down and I do start to give a flying fuck.
What drives me nuts are that these cowards often hide behind their keyboard and screen to fling insults and do their mudslinging.
There was a gamer guy was initially very nice to me because I was a girl and could beat the shit out of him at CS even when I was a newbie. He'd say sweet things and I'd play with him although I thought he was a total airhead.
It all went well until one day he asked me for my picture, and curious to see his reaction, I gave him a picture of a fat girl that I googled. He said something along the lines of 'wa, so meaty' and after that, he stopped playing with me and halted his river of sweet words.
Whenever I said hi to him after that, he treated me like a near stranger and often made little insidious comments and referred to me as 'that chubby girl' or 'meaty person.'
Fast forward 3 years later, he found me on facebook and realised that I wasn't fat at all. And that all his comments about me being the fat gamer girl had flown over my head and that he probably made a fool of himself in front of the other gamers who knew what I actually looked like.
He then tried to minimize his embarrassment by implying that he was misled - that I gave him the wrong friendster profile and made him believe I was fat when I wasn't. Right. As if that excused his terrible treatment and horrible manners - it's okay to be rude to a fat girl right? In other words, he was saying that if he had known that I wasn't fat, he wouldn't have treated me that way.
So I called him out on it.
I said that assholes like him will never treat a girl on the internet well if the girl in question is not skinny or pretty like he wants them to be.
He retaliated by turning his simpering/guilty puppy attitude around and insulting me once more by saying that 'maybe guys don't like skinny girls, we like girls with a bit of meat on them.'
-_- I know right? Fat AND skinny hater.
I told him that well okay, that really explained why he was so NICE to me when he thought I was a meaty girl.
Bitch doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like he wants a pretty girl who is not skinny and not fat, when he himself isn't even a nice, smart or good-looking person.
Another friend of mine said that I was mean to fat girls, because I chose to google a fat girl's picture to show him, instead of mine.
I said that I have nothing against fat girls, but I do know how some people see and treat them, and I wanted to know whether this boy was that kind of person.
And as it turns out, it was. I don't regret it one bit.
I'd much rather lose another shitty guy that pretends to like me 'as I am', ie. pretty and demure, than to stay 'friends' with a 2-faced leech.
Yay, another people-hating post. I'd end with the 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore' meme but I can't be bothered to look it up, and I'm too hipster for that shit anyway.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Work and death
Yea yea, I have been very morbid these past few posts, but yes, my chemmpoh (mom's sister's husband's mother) is almost at the end of her time on Earth.
What makes is so remarkable and not-depressing-at-all is that she is dying of old age. I honestly do not know anyone in my lifetime who has died from something other than illness or accidents. At this moment, my poor cousins who have flown back from US 4 times in less than 12 months are probably by her bedside, accompanying her to her final breath.
She's lucid, and apart from some aching joints and slight memory loss, she doesn't seem to sound sick. However, she has requested to stop being fed. At the moment she's on a water-only diet, waiting for her grandson to arrive before she lays down to sleep for the last time.
It amazes and confounds me. The thought of being able to decide when to die - I don't comprehend it.
She is currently 93-years-old. Just last year, she watched her favourite son die. My relatives say she was heartbroken and lost the will to live. A parent should never have to outlive their children. It messes up the order of life.
Anyway, I'm happy that she managed to live a long life without sickness and is leaving of her own accord. It's so amazing and I'm still a little bit awed. I wish one day I could just lay down beside my loved one after decades of being together, and after making a silent decision together, just close our eyes and choose to leave the world at the same time.
It's all I could ask for, really. But so far, my life has been peppered by tragedy, illness and accidents. You can't blame me for not being very optimistic; the only way to shield myself from further trauma is to just be realistic and prepare myself for the worst.
Mmm. My mom and her two sisters are now the three widows. Is it too soon? Maybe. But look on the bright side, they're all now free from suffering, happily swigging XO and gossiping about us in places unknown.
So. Enough with death. After that brief visit home, I felt fully recharged and ready to rush headlong into anything that came my way.
JUGGERNAUTTTTTTT
I've been working insanely hard, doing 7 hour work days earning shitloads of $$$ to pay off my ticket home and to buy myself a new LED screen. And of course, take mom on a crazy shopping frenzy when she arrives at Melbourne.
I've been at uni almost everyday, trying to catch up on my assignments. It's not very comforting to see everyone almost done for the year while I have ALL my assignments to go. >__>
I'm going to mentally shut out all the 'HOLIDAYSSSSSSSS!' posts on facebook. Speaking of facebook, what the hell is up with people nowadays?
Instead of saying something original or relating to themselves, they just share crappy photos of self-pitying/praising quotes in shitty typography and call it a day. Unbelievable. People can't even emo/whine inmaginatively anymore. Now all we have is generic posts regarding heartbreak/sexist humour/'trolling' that's not even trolling.
...whenever I set out to write a happy post I end up complaining about the latest irritants. Damn you mosquitoes! *shakes fist*
...
Anyway. On to the funny thing I meant to write about but you may not find funny anymore thanks to my skilful way of setting the mood of this post.
I was walking back to uni with my friend after dinner. We were chatting about the very topic at the beginning of this post when. We were walking behind a group of people when one of them started to break away and slow down his pace. Mini proximity alarms went off in my head as I continued my conversation. Suddenly, he was beside me.
After an awkward moment walking between my friend and the stranger, he turned to me and asked 'how's it going?' and smiled.
My inbuilt proximity and stranger sensor was going crazy, telling me I TOLD YOU SO HE'S A CRAZY LUNATIC AND HE'S GOING TO ATTACK YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE AWAY YOU MORON?!
Firstly, I was startled that someone interrupted my conversation.
Secondly, though my brain was telling me he was going to say something, I thought he was going to ask for spare change cause he got robbed or he wanted to invite me to his church, so I was pretty stunned when he said something as innocuous as 'how's it going?'
Thirdly, he was so close and so goddamned tall so I had to actually look up at him when he spoke (very unusual for me) and that intimidated the hell out of me.
So, how did I respond? Fine thanks, howbouchoo? Er okay? Wtf do you want?
No. None of the above.
I was rendered completely speechless that I just gave him this bug-eyed, open-mouthed look while the 3 of us continued walking in terribly awkward silence. To illustrate how awful my face was, I have kindly attempted to recreate my expression of shock and taken-aback-ness.
Now, imagine yourself saying hi to a stranger and being met with that look.
.
.
.
Now, imagine yourself 5 seconds later, still looking at the stranger, whose expression remains frozen in hideous shock, nostrils still flared like an open umbrella.
Yeah. Wtf man.
After a very long 5 seconds, he muttered a 'nevermind' and shuffled off to rejoin his group of friends in front.
After they were out of sight, I just started laughing and laughing. My friend said she was looking back and forth between our faces and wondering what was going on. I started laughing even more. I felt SO bad.
I seriously expected that he was going to be another high, aggressive person who becomes super friendly after a night of alcohol/drugs, but he turned out to be an innocent person who possibly wanted to make friends with me.
I'm terrible. He's probably never going to approach strange asian girls again. -_-
The last time a stranger tried to chat me up was the asian guy who asked me out for coffee while my bf was sleeping next to me.
I don't think I went into details last time (forgive me if I already have,) I was horrible to him as well.
I was sitting under the giant clock in melbourne central, tying my shoelaces when I felt him approach. The last time strangers approached me while I sat there minding my own business was when:
So, after taking one look at him, I decided he was a poor backpacker in need of spare change and wanted him to go away as fast as possible. The conversation was short and went like this:
His walked away super quickly to his friend standing nearby who was bent over laughing so hard. I blushed and went back to tying my shoelaces, feeling like an absolute bitch.
Well that's me. The ugly duckling mentality is so firmly ingrained in me that I cannot, for one second, imagine that strange boys would ask me out (not as a joke.) Yea, the ugly duckling who goes around breaking boys hearts. Yyyyyea. Right.
The other time a strange guy talked to me on a street (he asked me for directions), he went all out on the creep factor and asked me...
...before I managed to get rid of him at a junction by firmly telling that his party was in THAT direction, pointing resolutely and mentally commanding him to cross the damned street. NOW. Or I'll punch you in the face/scream for help.
Thanksfully, he said 'it was a pleasure to meet you, Symphony' and merrily went his own way.
-_________-
So anyway, while I'm actually okay with speaking to strangers, I absolutely loathe it when someone strikes a conversation by surprise - I tend to blurt out the rudest, most bimbotic responses when I'm unprepared.
Anyway I'm going to sleep. WORK ALL DAY TOMORROW! My awesome boss let me off from today until Saturday.
So until Sunday, I'm going to work hardcore on my assignments and get that shit over and done with. Yeeaaaaaaaaa. I'm unstoppable!
Good night :D
What makes is so remarkable and not-depressing-at-all is that she is dying of old age. I honestly do not know anyone in my lifetime who has died from something other than illness or accidents. At this moment, my poor cousins who have flown back from US 4 times in less than 12 months are probably by her bedside, accompanying her to her final breath.
She's lucid, and apart from some aching joints and slight memory loss, she doesn't seem to sound sick. However, she has requested to stop being fed. At the moment she's on a water-only diet, waiting for her grandson to arrive before she lays down to sleep for the last time.
It amazes and confounds me. The thought of being able to decide when to die - I don't comprehend it.
She is currently 93-years-old. Just last year, she watched her favourite son die. My relatives say she was heartbroken and lost the will to live. A parent should never have to outlive their children. It messes up the order of life.
Anyway, I'm happy that she managed to live a long life without sickness and is leaving of her own accord. It's so amazing and I'm still a little bit awed. I wish one day I could just lay down beside my loved one after decades of being together, and after making a silent decision together, just close our eyes and choose to leave the world at the same time.
It's all I could ask for, really. But so far, my life has been peppered by tragedy, illness and accidents. You can't blame me for not being very optimistic; the only way to shield myself from further trauma is to just be realistic and prepare myself for the worst.
Mmm. My mom and her two sisters are now the three widows. Is it too soon? Maybe. But look on the bright side, they're all now free from suffering, happily swigging XO and gossiping about us in places unknown.
So. Enough with death. After that brief visit home, I felt fully recharged and ready to rush headlong into anything that came my way.
JUGGERNAUTTTTTTT
I've been working insanely hard, doing 7 hour work days earning shitloads of $$$ to pay off my ticket home and to buy myself a new LED screen. And of course, take mom on a crazy shopping frenzy when she arrives at Melbourne.
I've been at uni almost everyday, trying to catch up on my assignments. It's not very comforting to see everyone almost done for the year while I have ALL my assignments to go. >__>
I'm going to mentally shut out all the 'HOLIDAYSSSSSSSS!' posts on facebook. Speaking of facebook, what the hell is up with people nowadays?
Instead of saying something original or relating to themselves, they just share crappy photos of self-pitying/praising quotes in shitty typography and call it a day. Unbelievable. People can't even emo/whine inmaginatively anymore. Now all we have is generic posts regarding heartbreak/sexist humour/'trolling' that's not even trolling.
...whenever I set out to write a happy post I end up complaining about the latest irritants. Damn you mosquitoes! *shakes fist*
...
Anyway. On to the funny thing I meant to write about but you may not find funny anymore thanks to my skilful way of setting the mood of this post.
I was walking back to uni with my friend after dinner. We were chatting about the very topic at the beginning of this post when. We were walking behind a group of people when one of them started to break away and slow down his pace. Mini proximity alarms went off in my head as I continued my conversation. Suddenly, he was beside me.
After an awkward moment walking between my friend and the stranger, he turned to me and asked 'how's it going?' and smiled.
My inbuilt proximity and stranger sensor was going crazy, telling me I TOLD YOU SO HE'S A CRAZY LUNATIC AND HE'S GOING TO ATTACK YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE AWAY YOU MORON?!
Firstly, I was startled that someone interrupted my conversation.
Secondly, though my brain was telling me he was going to say something, I thought he was going to ask for spare change cause he got robbed or he wanted to invite me to his church, so I was pretty stunned when he said something as innocuous as 'how's it going?'
Thirdly, he was so close and so goddamned tall so I had to actually look up at him when he spoke (very unusual for me) and that intimidated the hell out of me.
So, how did I respond? Fine thanks, howbouchoo? Er okay? Wtf do you want?
No. None of the above.
I was rendered completely speechless that I just gave him this bug-eyed, open-mouthed look while the 3 of us continued walking in terribly awkward silence. To illustrate how awful my face was, I have kindly attempted to recreate my expression of shock and taken-aback-ness.
Now, imagine yourself saying hi to a stranger and being met with that look.
.
.
.
Now, imagine yourself 5 seconds later, still looking at the stranger, whose expression remains frozen in hideous shock, nostrils still flared like an open umbrella.
Yeah. Wtf man.
After a very long 5 seconds, he muttered a 'nevermind' and shuffled off to rejoin his group of friends in front.
After they were out of sight, I just started laughing and laughing. My friend said she was looking back and forth between our faces and wondering what was going on. I started laughing even more. I felt SO bad.
I seriously expected that he was going to be another high, aggressive person who becomes super friendly after a night of alcohol/drugs, but he turned out to be an innocent person who possibly wanted to make friends with me.
I'm terrible. He's probably never going to approach strange asian girls again. -_-
The last time a stranger tried to chat me up was the asian guy who asked me out for coffee while my bf was sleeping next to me.
I don't think I went into details last time (forgive me if I already have,) I was horrible to him as well.
I was sitting under the giant clock in melbourne central, tying my shoelaces when I felt him approach. The last time strangers approached me while I sat there minding my own business was when:
1. They tried to sell me something
2. Tried to force me to give them my number so I can join their church (I had firmly and politely informed her that I wasn't a christian)
3. Asked me for spare change
So, after taking one look at him, I decided he was a poor backpacker in need of spare change and wanted him to go away as fast as possible. The conversation was short and went like this:
"Hey. Um, can I - "
"No thanks!"
"...buy you a coffee...ok nevermind."
His walked away super quickly to his friend standing nearby who was bent over laughing so hard. I blushed and went back to tying my shoelaces, feeling like an absolute bitch.
Well that's me. The ugly duckling mentality is so firmly ingrained in me that I cannot, for one second, imagine that strange boys would ask me out (not as a joke.) Yea, the ugly duckling who goes around breaking boys hearts. Yyyyyea. Right.
The other time a strange guy talked to me on a street (he asked me for directions), he went all out on the creep factor and asked me...
What was my name? (I was startled and blurted out my real name. Doesn't matter, he misheard and said 'Symphony? That's a very nice name.' -_- Wtf he must thinking geez, these asian chicks with their ridiculous 'western' names.)
What I was doing that night? (Probably sleeping.)
Why so early? (I'm tired.)
Where do I live (*points in vague direction*)
Do I want to go to the party he's going to? (No. Thanks.)
...before I managed to get rid of him at a junction by firmly telling that his party was in THAT direction, pointing resolutely and mentally commanding him to cross the damned street. NOW. Or I'll punch you in the face/scream for help.
Thanksfully, he said 'it was a pleasure to meet you, Symphony' and merrily went his own way.
-_________-
So anyway, while I'm actually okay with speaking to strangers, I absolutely loathe it when someone strikes a conversation by surprise - I tend to blurt out the rudest, most bimbotic responses when I'm unprepared.
Anyway I'm going to sleep. WORK ALL DAY TOMORROW! My awesome boss let me off from today until Saturday.
So until Sunday, I'm going to work hardcore on my assignments and get that shit over and done with. Yeeaaaaaaaaa. I'm unstoppable!
Good night :D
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