New Apartment

Here I am in my new apartment. It's brand spanking new and smells that way, judging from the new apartment smell wafting off the walls. It has everything most people could ask for:

- a lift that does 24 floors in 30 seconds

- views TDF

- 2 bathrooms

- central cooling/heating for the hall

- lap pool, sauna, gym blablabla

And the best part is that my room is fucking gorgeous.

1 and 1/3 walls are floor-to-ceiling windows and 1 entire wall comprises of my wardrobe doors - made completely of tinted mirrors.

FUCKING GORGEOUS CAN?

I even bought a new corner table (I've always adored corner tables cause the curved shape lets me rest my elbow on the surface which helps tons during gaming marathons) that faces the corner of my room where the windows meet.

So basically, I spent my first night in my room with the lights off, my eager face illuminated blue by my backlit keyboard, watching a movie on my laptop with the city skyline stretched out behind the screen like a fucking newsroom backdrop.

You know where the anchormen sit behind a desk to read the headlines on TV? They have this backlit poster of NYC or some other city's twilight skyline as their backdrop. I have that too, only mine's a REAL CITY.

It's so ridiculously gorgeous I would think I'm dreaming. Except that in my dreams everything would be perfect, and I have gunk and shit on my windows now because the window cleaners won't come until the top floors of my apartment finish construction.

So yea. Besides some clumps of dirt marring my otherwise perfect view, life is pretty damn good.

EXCEPT I HAVE NO INTERNET.

How? How did I survive before the internet existed? I've only been without it for 2 days and I am already going stir-crazy. I've been busy moving and I spent the whole day out today and yet I feel so moody and irritable cause I haven't seen my boyfriend's adorable face, haven't heard Josh the goofball's voice, haven't pawned nubs on Dota/CS/HoN, haven't read spent countless hours browsing random lame jokes on the internet until the sun rises.

MY DAY IS NOT COMPLETE.

I have been so ridiculously productive the past couple of days that I should be proud of myself, but instead I'm here raging about having no internet despite my awesome surroundings. What have I done these past few days?

I made Christmas cards. That's right. I made fucking Christmas cards. And I damn well enjoyed it. What I used to do with semi-dry colour pens and A4 copy paper when I was kid, I now do with a tablet and photo-quality card stock. Fucking maju edi ok?

Tonight I went one step further and started making Chinese New Year cards. After 1 hour or so of scribbling, I sat back and looked at my work and I despaired. Don't get me wrong, it's not ugly, but it's so BORING. So uninspired and typical. I'm not about to go crazy-artist-type and cry about how art is pointless without meaning, but I kind of understand their sentiment now.

What's the point of making a pretty CNY card if it's been done before so many times? If I have nothing new to bring to the table, then I have failed as a designer. I might as well hang up my creative hat and and sign up for a lifetime as a pixel monkey, photoshopping people's noses and cloning out pimples.

Anyway if you're wondering how am I posting this up if I have no internet, I had a genius idea and turned my phone into a portable hotspot. That means I'm using my phone's 3G plan and transmitting the connection through wireless to my laptop.

Downside is, I only have about 200MB left to last 10 days. And some of that is my sister's. No worries though, I've disabled all pictures on my browser to limit bandwidth usage, and all through this post I was glancing at the little bandwidth monitor on the Mac dashboard to make sure I wouldn't go overboard.

I'd only used about 20 MB - the rate was averaging and 0-0.1 kbps and suddenly it shot up to a few hundred kbps when I wasn't looking. Now my total usage in roughly an hour is about 60 MB. It TRIPLED in a couple of minutes. Wtf is going on?

So anyway that's why I decided to sign off early on this post though I have many things to talk about, such as my friend's date from hell (I'm not going to name names cause I HAVE to tell the story - it's too funny to pass up) and post pictures of my sweet room.

I was hoping to play some CS as I did my research and people said it only uses 15-30 MB/hour which sounds pretty reasonable to me but NOOOO because of the mysterious bandwidth spike I have now used 3 days worth of mobile internet in 1 hour.

Shit.

Seeya when I next get a connection. 

*sadbunnieface*

The Fall

I have reached a point in life where I finally admit to myself: this isn't working.

I feel lost and suddenly I find myself unable to visualize myself in the far future. It's a clouded blur of hopes and uncertainty.

Today, after months of shoving aside that tiny seed of worry, I finally faced up to my doubts and realized that I will probably never make it in the games industry. It's not that I've lost my passion - I've lost hope. I've lost hope in being able to find a job, I've lost hope in my ability to make enough money to be self-sustaining in the future, and worst of all, I've lost hope in my ability to shine.

I don't know which is more devastating.

When I entered the world of game design, the game industry was booming. Lecturers and adults promised me that the industry I was entering was rising to its peak - more and more people are becoming gamers. Games were no longer restricted to geek culture - it was fair game for everyone, male, female, young and old.

It was not true. The motivation behind that statement was perhaps partially true - interest in games was rising like never before and finally breaking into mainstream culture.

But it was not true. Interest may be peaking, but the ability to make money out of games is waning.

It sounds like such a greedy statement to make - was I getting into the game industry not because of my passion, but because I wanted to make money? No. But I need food in my mouth and a roof over my head - I can't spend my life doing something I enjoy, but is unable to sustain a living.

Piracy.

A dirty word upon the entertainment industry.

The majority of out generation has grown up with the mentality that entertainment carries no value. It is a thing that we are entitled to for free. We are entitled to enjoy it, critique it, and own it without any cost to us whatsoever.

Some people may say 'I bet this company makes so much money, they won't even notice if a few thousand people pirate this game cause they're too busy rolling in money.'

While this may hold true to some bigger and more established companies, it is devastatingly detrimental to independent companies. New talents who are struggling to bring creativity into an increasingly worn-out field are stifled by the simple need to feed and clothe themselves.

12 game companies closed this year in Australia. That's 1 company per month, shutting down permanently because they couldn't make money. Hundreds of established or more experienced artists and designers were thrown back out into unemployment - most of them seeking to remain in the games industry.

How am I, a fresh-faced and inexperienced newbie, going to compete with hundreds of other people with more experience and knowledge? With the game industry rapidly declining and huge amounts of people losing their jobs - it is nigh impossible for me to get the job that I so desperately want.

Piracy only benefits consumers in the short run - by forking out exactly 0 dollars, people get to watch a movie or play a game that would have cost much more if they decided to obtain it the legal way.

Piracy is now so rampant that people even forget they're breaking the law. It's nothing criminal to them - people whine about hackers taking too long to jailbreak the new iOS 5, complaining about how badly a movie was ripped or how terrible in quality an mp3 was.

While I understand that piracy will never go away, the least people can do is fork out some money for something they truly enjoy. If you just want to try out a game cause you're not sure you're going to like it, by all means go ahead and down load it. If you want to download a song your friend recommended so you can see if you like it, please do.

However, don't forget that movies, music and games are all someone's baby - a product of their passion, hard work and sleepless nights.

If you really enjoy a game and you are going to spend 80 hours on it, please buy it. If you're a big fan of a band, you'd buy their CDs (and if you're even more hardcore, you'd even fork out cash to buy other merchandise as well - t-shirts and coffee cup with band name anyone?)

You'd go to a cinema to watch a summer blockbuster, you'd buy the CD of the band you love, so why do you insist that you deserve to play games for free?

I've seen people who are rich and have no money troubles at all insist on pirating a game they love  'because they can.' Some are even proud of it.

Shame on you.

If you think I've grown this mindset only since I started out in this industry, you're wrong.

When I was around 14 years old, I'd receive RM50 as my monthly allowance. That's not very much compared to my peers at the time, considering I was supposed to buy food and any luxuries with that moderate allocation of cash.

Almost every other month, I'd use around RM45 to buy a CD of a band I liked. It's true that I could simply download the CD for free. I even bought CDs of albums that I had already downloaded in full weeks ago.

I bought it because I thought that I was contributing to the income of my favourite artists (which may or may not be true - I don't know much about the music industry) but the intent was there.

I didn't want to deprive a person of their hard work.

Being an artist is a job.
Being a musician is a job.
Being a game designer is a job.

When you pirate, you are depriving us of income and capital to work on new projects.

The game industry will never die, but it's already going the way of Hollywood. Big producers will never green light something risky that may not result in profit. They will give the go-ahead to franchises that have proven themselves as cash cows - think Gran Turismo 5, 6, 7, Modern Warfare 3, 4, 5, up to god knows when.

The industry will be a mass of sequels trying to live up to their predecessors while newcomers who try to bring fresh blood and creativity into games are cruelly stomped out.

Think about that.

I'm not insisting that you pay for every song, movie or game that you own, for I'd be a hypocrite. I've downloaded hundreds of songs, played DotA for free and watched pirated DVDs myself.

But if you want to support the artist, producer or creator, pay up. $10 (RM33) is not much for a game like Team Fortress 2 if you play it for 100 hours. That's $0.10 (RM0.30) per hour of fun - roughly 15% of what you pay for an hour at a cyber cafe.

If you have no financial troubles and no problem admitting that you enjoy a game and play it repeatedly, you should be bloody ashamed of yourself if you pirate it - instead of being proud and smug that you got a freebie.

Nothing pisses me off more than someone who complains that a company is too slow in making the sequel to their favourite games (Half Life Episode 3 whiners I'm talking about you) or people who groan about companies who try to make their game difficult to pirate (wannabe Blizzard 'fans' I'm talking about you.)

It's as if games fall from the sky, ready to play, without any inspiration or sweat behind them.

If you want a good game, wait for it.
If you want a sequel to that good game, pay for it.

Simple as that.

Sigh. It's so easy to blame my troubles on a person's sense of entitlement.

Right now, I'm going to do some introspection and think about my electives next year.
I think I might go into advertising or communication design instead.

I love the game industry, but sadly, I just don't love it enough to starve for it.

I felt devastated today as I finally came to the realization that the chance of having the career of my dreams is slim to none, but I will gather the rest of my determination and I will move on.

Maybe I'll make small games as a hobby instead :) A small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless.

Goodbye Spring

Another season has passed. Classes seem like they were a loooong time ago, when in reality it has only been slightly over a month since my second year ended.

Results came out and crushed my confidence again. It hurts to see the assignment that you've put so much time and dedication into to lose out to your classmates' who've done theirs in a half-arsed manner.

It's times like these where I question my standard of quality in the final product. I know it can only be harmful to directly compare your artwork to someone else's. Beauty is so subjective. Perhaps my assignment that I've spent 2 months on just didn't appeal to my teacher. So many times I have watched a classmate get an HD with a mere week's work (which doesn't even look good in my opinion) and it HURTS.

It hurts my self-esteem and my motivation to continue doing what I'm doing. I remember how disappointed I was when I got 1 HD and 3 Ds for the previous semester. Now I got all Ds - not a single HD. I was shocked and disappointed as I had been getting HDs for the previous milestones throughout this semester.

To average out to a D...my final assignments must have been pretty shitty in my teachers' eyes.

Fuck.
Sigh.

So, what am doing everyday now that there are no more classes or assignments?

I've been working. I get 75 bucks per hour doing a simple but exhausting job. I'm so bloody rich now and even if I buy two 24" LED screens when I come home, I'll still have plenty leftover.

Sadly, I'd rather have gotten 4 HDs than be a few thousand bucks richer. And I don't intend to spend the rest of my money as the apartment that my mom bought is going to be handed over to us next week, meaning that we have to pay up.

Money's gonna be slightly tighter as we repay the housing loan so I don't plan to splurge any more after I buy my screen.

I want to go home. My mood's been pretty low lately. I miss Sam, I miss my home, my bed, my dogs.

I've been playing lots of CS lately. I've finally made the decision to play in Steam at least half the time now, and begin detaching myself from Garena. I realize that I have not improved much in the years I've played there - firstly because I'm lagging, secondly because the players are just not very good.

If I keep playing with sub-par players, my skill is only ever going to remain average, no matter how much I play. So, here's to challenging myself by playing with more highly skilled players :3

These few days my average KDR in Garena is 2:1, and 1:1 in Steam.
I don't value KDR much, but I think it's a pretty good yardstick to measure the difference in the opponent's skills.

The good players in Garena can't hold a candle to the average player in Steam.

I hate playing without my friends. I don't like feeling alone, although it's only a game. Oh well, I'll make new friends. :) I'll learn the aussie CS slang and be a super complaint player and follow whatever they say to improve. I'll stop being embarrassed when I try and fail to do something new.

Somehow I don't feel as incensed when an Aussie player taunts me, compared to a Malaysian player. I think losing to a good player doesn't hurt as much as being insulted by an incompetent fool who got lucky :/

Anyway, I can't wait for Dota2. I can't wait to go home and download all the new games I've bought on Steam. I can't wait for Steam's xmas sales :D

I just want to home, get my laptop's innards cleaned out and rest my head and boy's shoulder.

I'm tired and I just don't know why.

Hello Summer.

Obliviousness

This morning I had a minor identity crisis when a friend expressed relief (and perhaps joy) at his friend's breakup with a bitchy girl.

Suddenly, I doubted myself. What if I was the bitchy girlfriend that all her boyfriend's friends hated? If Sam and I ever breakup, would his friends pat him on the back and say 'good on you, you were better off without that crazy bitch'?

What if I was that horrible, possessive and obssesive girlfriend that I hate so much?

My friend hurriedly reassured me that I was not - I think he panicked, thinking that he had somehow single-handedly induced an anxiety attack in my soul of stone.

I wanted to believe him, but I reasoned (very unreasonably) with myself that if I WERE a bitchy person, my friends wouldn't dare to tell me so, right? So I turned to the most important person for advice - my boyfriend himself.

And honestly, he wasn't that helpful because all he said was that it was up to me to decide. If I feel something wrong, then fix it and I'll be fiiine.
(I was hoping for something more along the lines of 'you're so sweet and kind and nice and awesome and pretty and loveable that NO ONE could hate you <3 <3 <3' but no. Didn't happen.)

I was like 'WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? OMG I'M TOTALLY A BITCH ASDFJKL;!"

Then, the very next moment I was like, fuck that shizzz! If people don't like me, they can find themselves a new friend! Hell naw, I'm not changing just because some people dislike me. Too coarse, too clumsy, too rough, too masculine bladiblablablah. *eyeroll*

I like myself and my opinion takes precedence over those of people who don't. (That barely made sense. Sorry, I'm sleepy.)

MEHHH.

Later, I remembered the time when my friend came over to stay, bringing along 2 female friends of his that I have never met before.

After a night at my place, they left to stay somewhere else. Before leaving my home, one of the girls unexpectedly gave me a hug goodbye and said:

"I'm glad you were nice. When I saw you I thought you were going to be very bitchy, but I really like you!"

It was so blunt and unreal (it's more likely to see this in an anime with the naive heroine expressing her feelings openly to people, and not in real life) that I was taken aback, not sure if it was a compliment or insult. Well, I guess that means my face/house/pictures/posture/speech is snooty enough to be considered bitchy, but underneath that curtain of spikes, I DO possess a heart of gold after all.

Ha! Heart of gold! *snort*

Take that haters! Even strangers like me :3 :3

Well. Anyway, if the day comes that I break up with my boy (CHOI) and his friends openly admit that they hated me all along...I can say I was not surprised, after having this mini introspection session with myself.

*sigh*

And I will thank them for putting up with me for so long. Giving me face just because I'm their friend's girlfriend. Mmm. Some people really ARE tolerant. If my friend had a bitchy girl/boyfriend I don't know if I could keep my barbed tongue still.

^__^ I'm sleepy. Good night.

I am the ultimate procrastinator

Yeap. I am feeling better today so this probably won't be a depressing post (probably.)

My dearest Sam is going to Phuket for the weekend and I miss his company already :( I don't seem to appreciate it that much when he's here, but the moment he's gone I realize how much I enjoy just sitting in silence with him (with the webcam on.)

So, I was thinking about him and for no apparent reason I started imagining what our kids would look like. And nah, he's not going to freak out reading this since I'm the one with more commitment issues than he has.

So. Our kid will look something the list below, if I take the average/best features from the both of us.

- Super black hair

- Medium-big eyes with double eyelids (oh yes!)

- A medium-big sharp nose (please don't have my nose)

- Lips are debatable, since he has full lips with a very defined curve on his top lip, whereas I...have no top lip. If we had a girl I'd like her to have my doll-sized lips with his lip curvature

- Pointed/long face

- Roughly 5' 7"/8"

- Very skinny

- Smart but lazy

- Will love CS or its future equivalent and RTS/looting games

- Will speak english, chinese, cantonese, hakka and whatever dialect Sam can teach (I can only contribute english, sorry)

- LOVE animals, especially dogs

- Nasty temper (I can't imagine if the child receives his/her temper form both parents and doubles its potency...GG)

- Has no problem socializing but will probably have very few close friends in his/her lifetime

That's all I can think of at the moment. I do understand that genetics only go so far, and personality can be shaped by many other factors, so consider this an idealistic outcome from predictions based on our current personality and appearance.

...alright. I should be doing my work instead of thinking about my future offspring. Unlike many other people, I have a strong desire for my children to turn out like me, and that I can be the parent that my parents were to me.

I must have had one of the least emotionally-damaging childhoods of any person I know. Unlike Sam who had a tumultuous childhood, mine was pretty fair and consistent. Although I sometimes resented my parents as I was a child, now I realize that parents probably don't get any better than mine.

I hope that I am just as capable of instilling independence, sensibility and a strong sense of right and wrong in my children.

Of course, saying all this doesn't mean I want to or am ready to have kids any time soon. I'll probably have my first kid when I'm 30 or something. >_> I don't even like babies at the moment - they're just red, shapeless, crying, snot-filled potatoes to me right now.

When I hear about women in their mid-late 20s who experience a sudden flare-up of their maternal instincts, it scares me. I can't imagine myself cooing over babies or going crazy over toddler's clothing. -.- Even now I have a hard time handling my adorable 4-year-old niece. I mean, I really sayang her and all, but I just find it so hard to relate or communicate with kids. They're like aliens to me.

The worst thing a kid could ever ask of me is - no, not changing their diapers, though that's pretty horrific too - but "can you tell me a story? A FUNNY story?"

OH JUST SHOOT ME.

I have NO idea what children find funny. Sometimes (no make that EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME) my attempts at kids humour will fall flat on its face and I'm left feeling like an absolutely humourless moron when children just stare at me wide-eyed or with the -.- face after I tell them a 'joke'.

?!

When my friend said she might try to get a job as a babysitter I just blanched and went "why on earth would you do that?"

She shrugged and said it was easy and it pays well.

O____O

O....kay....

Anyway, enough about children. Sam might think that I'm feeling very fertile and decide to make moves that would maximize my fertile potential (ie fuck me senseless) and I don't want that. Mom still says no sex before 21 and I have like...a 7-month frame of safety before I can start to think about this important decision.

ANYHOW. Before I go into oversharing territory, let me tell you some random, inane, probably uninteresting story to make you forget what I just said.

Today, Melbourne reached the scorching temperature of 32 degrees celcius - which is pretty normal in Malaysia, but pretty damn hot here (if it's not summer) and it feels even hotter when it was 20 degrees the previous day.

I woke up pretty late and felt super drowsy and lazy due to the warmth. Somehow, I convinced myself that I HAVE to go work on my assignment at uni (it's due on the 15th and I have to submit a draft before then, dammit) so I dragged myself around my house, getting ready and picking my hot weather outfit and then dragged my lazy ass out the door into the sunshine.

And I sweated. Urgh. To reward myself for getting out of the house on a hot day like this (to do assignments, no less) I decided to buy myself a giant cup of Boost juice, which naturally, involved going a looooong way (okay, 1 block) out of my way to obtain my sweet prize. Then, I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up my favourite burger before heading back to the lab to do work (and bask in some welcome air-conditioning.)

With a giant cup and burger in hand, I fumbled around for my wallet, which contained the after-hours access card that allows me entry into my building during non-academic times.

I finally coaxed the wallet out of my huge bag after some clumsy fiddling around with my full hands, and I pressed it to the scanner.

Nothing happened.

I pressed it again and again, hoping that it just failed to read the first time. Still nothing. I tried to pick the student card out of the wallet to scan it individually (maybe my wallet was too thick now) and I dropped my debit card on the floor as a girl came up behind me, wanting to get into the building.

Feeling relieved, I let her get the door as I scooped up my debit card and entered the building.

Suddenly, I a recent memory punched me in the head - my card was in my coat. Which I didn't bring today. Because it was hot.

Without the card, I couldn't gain access to my lab, which was behind 2 locked doors.

DAMMIT.
I WALKED AROUND THE CITY IN HOT WEATHER, WITH PERFECTLY GOOD AND HEALTHY INTENTIONS FOR NOTHINGGGGG.

T___T I called my friends but no one was nearby to lend me their card or grant me access to their building.

I finished my burger sadly and walked home. And I sweated again.

And...to console myself on my misfortune, I sat down and played HoN.
I tried to do work after some CS. But the words wouldn't come.

So, I ended up writing this >1200 word long blog post instead of doing my assignment, which requires less than 1/3 the length of this post.

...

Okay. The end. No more increasing the word count of this post and making me feel even shittier.

-_- Good night.

People-hating (again)

The time has come where I've achieved some sort of a temporary mental burnout. Or it could just be mood swings from PMS.

Today is one of those bright sunny days where I feel like a complete slob. Passive, lethargic, lazy, demotivated.

It makes absolutely no sense because about a week ago I was all gung-ho from work, feeling like the proest gamer, the prettiest girl, the nicest friend, the most hardworking student, the best designer.

Today what I feel like = polar opposites from my sky-high mood last week.

I'm lazy. I'm a noob, I'm ugly, bitchy, lazy and can't even get Maya to work for me. (It crashed twice in less than 30 mins)

My one comfort is knowing that this feeling will pass, as it has, unfailingly, the last hundred times I felt this way. Downtrodden, mean and self-pitying. And feeling even worse due to the aforementioned feelings.

And no, before you ask, I'm not on drugs. I'm not pregnant or ingesting any mood or hormone altering substance.

It will pass.

Next week I'm going to be cheerful, nice and happy-go-lucky again. I think I've spent all my 'LET'S DO THIS' energy and it's time to recharge some of that optimism.

Today, I'm going to stay at home and let my mind have it's own bitch fight with itself.

She wears so much makeup and she's still ugly.
You're no looker yourself. 

That asshole is a fucking noob and still dares to boss people around, shithead can't see his own flaws.
Eh, you're not so pro either ok? 

That couple is positively nauseating and their chemistry is so unbalanced I feel uncomfortable looking at them.
You're overreacting. They have always been nice to you except for little lapses of judgement. 

I feel guilty for thinking bitchy thoughts about my friends.
It's okay, they probably think bitchily about you sometimes, too. 

You're a terrible girlfriend, you suffocate your boy and expect the world from him.
Yes, yes, I am. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for expecting everyone else to be.

I'm just tired of people pretending to be my friend and then leaving passive aggressive comments whenever I have the slightest feeling of achievement.

I post a work in progress and inevitably the person will pop up from the woodwork to say something shitty about it and disappear back to wherever he came from.

I put up a picture of myself and some person who I've not spoken to in ages makes a vague comment about how I'm not attractive or whatever.

I feel like I'm playing really well one day, and some stranger who knows me HAS to pop up and say how fucking noob I am.

Seriously?
Is it really your life's pleasure to put other people down?

I understand if it's constructive criticism or if my close friends call me a narcissistic asshole, but strangers or mere acquaintances DO NOT have the right to put me down like they are fucking gods and goddesses.

Call it tall poppy syndrome, or crabs in a bucket syndrome.

Whenever someone is feeling good about themselves or enjoyed a little bit of success, these parasitic people will just appear from obscurity and try to pull you down to the level at which they are trapped because they are incapable of self-improvement, instead choosing to hinder people from moving onward and upward.

First thing after I finish all my assignments and reach the end of my employment period this year is to get onto facebook and sever all connections to these poisonous people.

I almost did it that time when I learned one of the gamers had been backstabbing me. I did not know who it was and was ready to delete every single of them. However, I slept on it my decision and decided it was probably not a good idea to alienate the innocent people who didn't mean any harm.

But now, in my current state of mind, I've decided once again that when I have time, I'm going to weed out all the people I don't like but hesitate to sever ties with because they still pepper me with ass-kissing/we're-still-friends-right? words in between their veiled taunts.

I think too many people often force themselves to tolerate 'friends' like these.

Some people may think I'm immune to derogatory comments or callous jokes just because I'm 'strong/ independent/resilient/doesn't give a flying fuck.' Well, to a certain degree, yes, I don't care if you tell me I'm ugly, talentless or annoying.

But because people think these comments don't hurt me, they just use it more often, and eventually my strength and resilience breaks down and I do start to give a flying fuck.

What drives me nuts are that these cowards often hide behind their keyboard and screen to fling insults and do their mudslinging.

There was a gamer guy was initially very nice to me because I was a girl and could beat the shit out of him at CS even when I was a newbie. He'd say sweet things and I'd play with him although I thought he was a total airhead.

It all went well until one day he asked me for my picture, and curious to see his reaction, I gave him a picture of a fat girl that I googled. He said something along the lines of 'wa, so meaty' and after that, he stopped playing with me and halted his river of sweet words.

Whenever I said hi to him after that, he treated me like a near stranger and often made little insidious comments and referred to me as 'that chubby girl' or 'meaty person.'

Fast forward 3 years later, he found me on facebook and realised that I wasn't fat at all. And that all his comments about me being the fat gamer girl had flown over my head and that he probably made a fool of himself in front of the other gamers who knew what I actually looked like.

He then tried to minimize his embarrassment by implying that he was misled - that I gave him the wrong friendster profile and made him believe I was fat when I wasn't. Right. As if that excused his terrible treatment and horrible manners - it's okay to be rude to a fat girl right? In other words, he was saying that if he had known that I wasn't fat, he wouldn't have treated me that way.

So I called him out on it.

I said that assholes like him will never treat a girl on the internet well if the girl in question is not skinny or pretty like he wants them to be.

He retaliated by turning his simpering/guilty puppy attitude around and insulting me once more by saying that 'maybe guys don't like skinny girls, we like girls with a bit of meat on them.'

-_- I know right? Fat AND skinny hater.

I told him that well okay, that really explained why he was so NICE to me when he thought I was a meaty girl.

Bitch doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like he wants a pretty girl who is not skinny and not fat, when he himself isn't even a nice, smart or good-looking person.

Another friend of mine said that I was mean to fat girls, because I chose to google a fat girl's picture to show him, instead of mine.

I said that I have nothing against fat girls, but I do know how some people see and treat them, and I wanted to know whether this boy was that kind of person.
And as it turns out, it was. I don't regret it one bit.

I'd much rather lose another shitty guy that pretends to like me 'as I am', ie. pretty and demure, than to stay 'friends' with a 2-faced leech.

Yay, another people-hating post. I'd end with the 'I don't want to live on this planet anymore' meme but I can't be bothered to look it up, and I'm too hipster for that shit anyway.

Work and death

Yea yea, I have been very morbid these past few posts, but yes, my chemmpoh (mom's sister's husband's mother) is almost at the end of her time on Earth.

What makes is so remarkable and not-depressing-at-all is that she is dying of old age. I honestly do not know anyone in my lifetime who has died from something other than illness or accidents. At this moment, my poor cousins who have flown back from US 4 times in less than 12 months are probably by her bedside, accompanying her to her final breath.

She's lucid, and apart from some aching joints and slight memory loss, she doesn't seem to sound sick. However, she has requested to stop being fed. At the moment she's on a water-only diet, waiting for her grandson to arrive before she lays down to sleep for the last time.

It amazes and confounds me. The thought of being able to decide when to die - I don't comprehend it.

She is currently 93-years-old. Just last year, she watched her favourite son die. My relatives say she was heartbroken and lost the will to live. A parent should never have to outlive their children. It messes up the order of life.

Anyway, I'm happy that she managed to live a long life without sickness and is leaving of her own accord. It's so amazing and I'm still a little bit awed. I wish one day I could just lay down beside my loved one after decades of being together, and after making a silent decision together, just close our eyes and choose to leave the world at the same time.

It's all I could ask for, really. But so far, my life has been peppered by tragedy, illness and accidents. You can't blame me for not being very optimistic; the only way to shield myself from further trauma is to just be realistic and prepare myself for the worst.

Mmm. My mom and her two sisters are now the three widows. Is it too soon? Maybe. But look on the bright side, they're all now free from suffering, happily swigging XO and gossiping about us in places unknown.

So. Enough with death. After that brief visit home, I felt fully recharged and ready to rush headlong into anything that came my way.

JUGGERNAUTTTTTTT

I've been working insanely hard, doing 7 hour work days earning shitloads of $$$ to pay off my ticket home and to buy myself a new LED screen. And of course, take mom on a crazy shopping frenzy when she arrives at Melbourne.

I've been at uni almost everyday, trying to catch up on my assignments. It's not very comforting to see everyone almost done for the year while I have ALL my assignments to go. >__>

I'm going to mentally shut out all the 'HOLIDAYSSSSSSSS!' posts on facebook. Speaking of facebook, what the hell is up with people nowadays?

Instead of saying something original or relating to themselves, they just share crappy photos of self-pitying/praising quotes in shitty typography and call it a day. Unbelievable. People can't even emo/whine inmaginatively anymore. Now all we have is generic posts regarding heartbreak/sexist humour/'trolling' that's not even trolling.

...whenever I set out to write a happy post I end up complaining about the latest irritants. Damn you mosquitoes! *shakes fist*

...

Anyway. On to the funny thing I meant to write about but you may not find funny anymore thanks to my skilful way of setting the mood of this post.

I was walking back to uni with my friend after dinner. We were chatting about the very topic at the beginning of this post when. We were walking behind a group of people when one of them started to break away and slow down his pace. Mini proximity alarms went off in my head as I continued my conversation. Suddenly, he was beside me.

After an awkward moment walking between my friend and the stranger, he turned to me and asked 'how's it going?' and smiled.

My inbuilt proximity and stranger sensor was going crazy, telling me I TOLD YOU SO HE'S A CRAZY LUNATIC AND HE'S GOING TO ATTACK YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU MOVE AWAY YOU MORON?!

Firstly, I was startled that someone interrupted my conversation.

Secondly, though my brain was telling me he was going to say something, I thought he was going to ask for spare change cause he got robbed or he wanted to invite me to his church, so I was pretty stunned when he said something as innocuous as 'how's it going?'

Thirdly, he was so close and so goddamned tall so I had to actually look up at him when he spoke (very unusual for me) and that intimidated the hell out of me.

So, how did I respond? Fine thanks, howbouchoo? Er okay? Wtf do you want?

No. None of the above.

I was rendered completely speechless that I just gave him this bug-eyed, open-mouthed look while the 3 of us continued walking in terribly awkward silence. To illustrate how awful my face was, I have kindly attempted to recreate my expression of shock and taken-aback-ness.

Now, imagine yourself saying hi to a stranger and being met with that look.
.
.
.
Now, imagine yourself 5 seconds later, still looking at the stranger, whose expression remains frozen in hideous shock, nostrils still flared like an open umbrella.

Yeah. Wtf man.

After a very long 5 seconds, he muttered a 'nevermind' and shuffled off to rejoin his group of friends in front.

After they were out of sight, I just started laughing and laughing. My friend said she was looking back and forth between our faces and wondering what was going on. I started laughing even more. I felt SO bad.

I seriously expected that he was going to be another high, aggressive person who becomes super friendly after a night of alcohol/drugs, but he turned out to be an innocent person who possibly wanted to make friends with me.

I'm terrible. He's probably never going to approach strange asian girls again. -_-

The last time a stranger tried to chat me up was the asian guy who asked me out for coffee while my bf was sleeping next to me.

I don't think I went into details last time (forgive me if I already have,) I was horrible to him as well.

I was sitting under the giant clock in melbourne central, tying my shoelaces when I felt him approach. The last time strangers approached me while I sat there minding my own business was when:

1. They tried to sell me something
2. Tried to force me to give them my number so I can join their church (I had firmly and politely informed her that I wasn't a christian)
3. Asked me for spare change

So, after taking one look at him, I decided he was a poor backpacker in need of spare change and wanted him to go away as fast as possible. The conversation was short and went like this:

"Hey. Um, can I - "
"No thanks!"
"...buy you a coffee...ok nevermind."

His walked away super quickly to his friend standing nearby who was bent over laughing so hard. I blushed and went back to tying my shoelaces, feeling like an absolute bitch.

Well that's me. The ugly duckling mentality is so firmly ingrained in me that I cannot, for one second, imagine that strange boys would ask me out (not as a joke.) Yea, the ugly duckling who goes around breaking boys hearts. Yyyyyea. Right.

The other time a strange guy talked to me on a street (he asked me for directions), he went all out on the creep factor and asked me...

What was my name? (I was startled and blurted out my real name. Doesn't matter, he misheard and said 'Symphony? That's a very nice name.' -_- Wtf he must thinking geez, these asian chicks with their ridiculous 'western' names.) 

What I was doing that night? (Probably sleeping.) 

Why so early? (I'm tired.) 

Where do I live (*points in vague direction*) 

Do I want to go to the party he's going to? (No. Thanks.)

...before I managed to get rid of him at a junction by firmly telling that his party was in THAT direction, pointing resolutely and mentally commanding him to cross the damned street. NOW. Or I'll punch you in the face/scream for help.

Thanksfully, he said 'it was a pleasure to meet you, Symphony' and merrily went his own way.

-_________-

So anyway, while I'm actually okay with speaking to strangers, I absolutely loathe it when someone strikes a conversation by surprise - I tend to blurt out the rudest, most bimbotic responses when I'm unprepared.

Anyway I'm going to sleep. WORK ALL DAY TOMORROW! My awesome boss let me off from today until Saturday.

So until Sunday, I'm going to work hardcore on my assignments and get that shit over and done with. Yeeaaaaaaaaa. I'm unstoppable!

Good night :D

Homecoming

My uncle died on the morning of the 10th of October, 2011.

Coincidentally, it was his daughter's (my cousin's) birthday. I can't imagine receiving a worse present on the day I was meant to celebrate my life.

I'm flying home in roughly 4 hours or so for the funeral. I have applied for Special Consideration for RMIT to delay my assignment's due dates as I will be home for a week, losing precious time to work on them.

The people who I spoke today didn't have much sympathy. :/ They were just like oh okay, you will have to bring documentation yadda yadda yadda within 5 working days of your application. As if I was applying for a holiday. My lecturer just went 'mmhmm' when I told him I was leaving the country for a while. Another one just told me to let him know if my application for a delayed due date was successful.

My sister told me that the people she dealt with at her uni were very sympathetic, telling her they were sorry for our loss blablabla. What a difference. Oh well.

I know I can't do anything if I go home, but I just needed to say goodbye to him.

I remember my sis and I being his favourite nieces. I remember the time he bought us teddy bears, which I told him I'd named 'Maisie' after a cartoon I saw that day. He played with me for a while. He used to go and tapao our favourite tao fu fa when he knew we were visiting his house for breakfast or dinner. He was the only uncle who packed our angpows in all 1 dollar bills for new year when we were kids, cause he knew we'd take the money to school to buy food.

I miss him.

I can't believe he's gone. Although we never spoke much, him being the strong, silent type of guy, his presence was significant during my frequent visits to their home.

He was my favourite uncle, and I will miss him so, so much.

Rest well, dear teow teow. May you drink and be merry with gee teow and daddy up there. :)
I will always remember you.

<3

Lightning never strikes the same place twice

As if.

I don't think my mom has ever had a break. My dad had cancer since I was 4 years old - I don't ever remember him being healthy and cancer-free. Can you imagine the stress that comes with having to deal with doctors visits, innumerable scans, witnessing your partner endure multiple rounds of body-wrecking chemo and radiation, and the pain of dealing with bad news every time the cancer came back?

Yes, my father beat cancer 3 fucking times - the cancer was going into remission when the competent trainees on duty at the hospital choked him to death with their pride and stubbornness.

So, my fantastic mom, who is one of the best persons I have ever known, had to watch her soulmate die, which I'd imagine is a pain far worse than people nowadays whining about their crush not even noticing them. Aww. Poor kids.

So when that 11-year-ordeal was over, and my mom was finally healing from the shock and pain, my father's brother got cancer. His family was poor and not well-educated about cancer. They turned to my mother for help and care. She helped them. He died.

Then my mother's older sister's husband got stomach cancer. I talked about this a while back. Of course, my mom helped them out greatly, because she already had the required knowledge at her disposal from experience. He died.

The doctor didn't sew him back correctly and let him die because he refused to acknowledge the problem. Pride kills, have I said that already?

THEN, my mother's oldest sister got cancer. My aunt is generally very positive about it though; my mom takes her to doctor's appointments and was there for her when they operated on her and removed the tumour.

Well, that's all fine and dandy so far.

Except, last night my mom messaged me and told me that that same cancer-stricken sister's husband had a heart attack and is in critical condition.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

I would look up and ask God what my family has done for him to constantly pick on us and never leave my mother alone, but that would be ridiculous. This is life, shit happens. There's no point pointing fingers or wailing about it; we can only toughen the shit up and face it.

But that doesn't make me any less upset at the injustice of it all.

Now that my uncle is in hospital, this can only lead to stress for my aunt, which can only hurt her recovery  - did I mention her biopsy was POSITIVE? The cancer is still hanging around, refusing to leave. And if my aunt is sick, my mom can only suffer.

How many people does she have to go through sickness and stress with? As far as I know, she has spent her whole life helping others with their illness and watching them suffer - and for some, eventually watching them die.

How can anyone take this much pain?

I am bloody worried for her because she has hypertension and blowing up her blood pressure is shockingly dangerous. If she gets a stroke, I have no idea what I'll do.

When I see those people reposting chain letters on facebook who have no idea what cancer is like, I feel like letting them step into our shoes for a day, just to feel the dread and perpetual worry that comes with being the family of a cancer patient.

Do you know how it feels, being unable to fall asleep, because for a moment there, you imagined your father's breathing stopped? And then, his breathing DID stop and he bolted upright in bed at 2 in the morning, gagging and struggling to breathe, with your mom trying to calm him down and you, you just sitting still in shock and horror, because you know you can't do anything to help at all.

Reposting badly-written junk on facebook to spread awareness? I think we're pretty much aware of cancer. I'm glad you think that doing so somehow helps, but no, it really doesn't. I'm not sure if it's the pent-up rage or what, but you just seem like a pretentious asshole who pretends to have a sense of compassion to me.

Stop. Stopstopstop. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be angry.

My family is probably not the only one to witness multiple tragedies, but I still feel like Life has done us a great injustice, to strike us down so many times and expect us to get up unscarred and full of determination to continue living.

Well, I'm definitely emotionally scarred but well, fuck you. If my turn ever comes, I hope I will not let it get in the way of my determination to live my life as I imagined it.

You strike me once, I'll get up again. You strike me twice, I'll have skinned knees, but I'll get up again. You strike one thousand fucking times, and I'll be up again, waiting to punch the next challenge in the face.

If all this is happening to test our courage, strength and will to live, well I'm going to pass with flying colours. And perhaps the day will come where my family can finally live without pain and worry.

:)

Fight the good fight. If we can't deny cancer from our body, deny it's decaying presence in our souls. We can and WILL be strong in the face of adversity.

Be strong, mommy. <3

Simple Plan

Yesterday, I went for Simple Plan's concert here in Melbourne. There was a lot of nostalgia involved, SP being the first concert I ever went to. That was when I was 14-years-old - it's been 6 whole years since then.

They used to be my favourite band before I shifted into teeny-dark-and-emo mode and started listening to Good Charlotte more. I know right? Good Charlotte wtf haha. At the time I thought that I had 'matured' and 'graduated' from whining about my life and how no one understands me.

But after watching them perform again, so many different feelings came back. Nostalgia, of course. Also, an explicable feeling of 'everything's gonna be alright' came over me. Some time when I was about 15 or 16, I stopped listening to them because I thought it was disgraceful to listen to adults sing about struggling with loneliness and lost love.

But now I see they aren't whining at all. The lyrics appear so, but listening to their cheerful, upbeat banter and generally clean and positive attitude towards life, it's hard to remember why I imagined them as a self-pitying, emotionally immature band.

As I listened to old SP classics like 'I'm Just a Kid' and 'I'd Do Anything', old memories and feelings awakened...and I began to remember how much the songs used to speak to me when I was young and confused. I suddenly remembered feeling lost, ugly, different, lonely and rejected. I remembered playing their songs over and over on my iPod as I went to sleep and feeling comforted. It sounds ridiculous, but then, Simple Plan helped me feel not so alone.

Surprisingly, some of the seemingly simple lyrics still resounded deeply with my emotions. Now I can't help but feel a strong affection for the band, who probably helped many other sesat preteens like I once was, get through difficult patches in their lives.

I teared up when 'Perfect' came on.

Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by memories of me fighting with my father about not trying hard enough. I was the epitome of wasted potential. Now I think about all the wasted time fighting over petty things...not wanting to study, arguing why add maths was useless and how I didn't care about failing. The arguments often ended up with him furious or tired and me slamming my door and hurting myself to 'get back at him.'

How stupid I was.

I still remember our last conversation. My dad was no longer working at the time; my mom joked about cutting off his 'allowance' if he didn't 'do his job' - which was tutoring me in add maths (which I was failing repeatedly.) I crawled to his bedside and we made a deal that I would try harder now that he had time to help me improve.

Not 4 hours later, he was gone.

I never got an A in the end. Never mind that I raised my grade from a fail to a B3...I don't know if would have made a difference even if I had gotten an A1. I always felt like I was a disappointment anyway. I'm just glad that we didn't said our last goodbye with an argument.

I would hate myself forever if I had.

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I'm sorry. @__@ This was supposed to be a cheerful post about a cheerful band, and it ended up with me crying over the past. :/ That just proves how deeply their music resonates with my feelings.

I'm not saying they make the best music or are the most sophisticated writers (far from it), but if you can relate to the message they are sending, they suddenly become powerful emotional catalysts, capable of making you feel happy, sad, secure...not alone.

:)

I do think they are a great inspiration for tweens and young teenagers. I don't know many other bands that can relate to us at that age, and not bring sex and drugs into the picture...much like music nowadays. They send a positive message without being preachy, whiny or inundated with self-pity, and I like that.

Sorry I don't have any good pictures of Jeff and Seb. Pierre and David stole the show with their charisma and stage presence, and I used to think Chuck was the cutest when I was a kid, so all the good pics are of them. :P

 

I've got no place to go
I've got nowhere to run.
They love to watch me fall
They think they know it all
I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world

This used to be my anthem growing up. When you're constantly branded an outsider, it can be difficult to maintain your self-confidence. I used to just imagine myself as someone awesome who would grow up to pwn all the naysayers - and I believe I'm well on my way. :)

Pierre in 2005 and in 2011

Thank you Simple Plan, for being part of my life growing up. <3
Aiming for HDs all the way and making you proud, dad!

(:

Tales of random encounters

Just watched a hilarious vlog posted by my childhood friend's sister.

It made me think back of the times where I was flirted with, complimented on my looks or asked out by strangers. Now, I'm not super pretty or extroverted and friendly, so these events are few and far between. But when it does happen, it's normally pretty awkward and funny in hindsight.

Here are some that stand out:

15 years old

When I was in secondary, I took the bus to school everyday. Normally I'd just sit and stare out the window or sleep+drool until we reached. One day, after I alighted, a girl (1 year my junior) runs up to me and hooks her arm around my elbow.

"Can I walk with you?"

For a moment, I just stared at her. I mean what do you want me to say? No? She was already clinging on to me like a lost puppy hoping for food...the time to ask her to beat it was long past.

So I shrugged and said okay. The school was only like a 100 feet away anyway, so I wouldn't have to put up with this horrible invasion of space for too long.

"Stephanie..."

Wtf how does she know my name?
She gazed deeply into my eyes as we walked.

"You know, you're really beautiful!"

Commence awkward silence.

...WTF? How am I supposed to react to a girl whose name I don't even know, who grabs me out of the blue and tells me that I'm attractive? Furthermore, I was NOT beautiful in high school. I had pimples! Oily skin! I also had a shitty haircut, braces, a uniform that was too big for me and I had NEVER been sociable.

That made her compliment even more awkward because she was either:

1. Lying (which means she wants something from me. OH GOD WHAT DOES SHE WANT?)
2. Crazy/half-blind

Anyway, I managed to shake her off before we reached school, before we could fuel rumours of me swinging THAT way. She never spoke to me that way again after that day, but she would still smile at me every time I got on or off the school bus.


17 years old

I had just started college, and was feeling massively out of place among girls who dressed well, with heels, made up faces and all. One day, one of my classmates, a guy that I was not particularly friendly with, came to me and said:

"Stephanie. My friend from another class asked for your number wor."

I was VERY suspicious, as my classmate was known to be sarcastic and slightly misogynistic. When he came to me, all smiles and speaking with a sweet tone of voice, my red flag went up immediately.

Being the unfriendly soul I am, I didn't reply. I just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"By the way, my friend is a GIRL! HAHAHAHA! She saw you in moral class and thought you were a boy. Then she asked me for your number! HAHAHA!"

Wow. Can you start to see a pattern here? It's like the world wants me to be a lesbian, throwing girls at me left and right.

Anyway before gathering my stuff and leaving, I sniped back.

"Well, if I'm a boy, at least I'm considered a lengchai. Can't say the same about you. She picked me, after all."

That shut him up all right. What an asshole, laugh some more la! >_>


19 years old

Downstairs on the corner of my apartment block, there is a souvlaki shop. It's open until 3-4 am so sometimes I go down there around midnight to take away some food if I'm really hungry.

Anyway, the young guy who took my order was trying to chat me up. And I was not used to being chatted up, much less have the experience to know how to shut him down immediately. He complimented me on my hair, and started interrogating me.

What's your name?
Where are you from?
Do you have a job?
What are you studying?
Where do you live?

What. The. Fuck. Where do I live? Do you honestly think I'm going to tell you, you creep?

All the while, he was giving me this huge creepy smile. And note, this was AFTER I had paid AND collected my souvlaki.

I kept trying to leave and he just kept on talking and asking me personal questions.

I'm pathetic. Can you imagine me taking one step away, and then stopping cause he shot me another question?

I should have just asked him to fuck off and leave me alone but I was just stunned, pathetically helpless in that unfamiliar situation.

Eventually, I managed to escape. I noted that he had given me extra meat for my souvlaki, which was one good thing that came out of the awkward encounter. Awkward for me anyway.

The story didn't end there. When my boyfriend visited me here in Melbourne, I brought him to the souvlaki shop. As luck would have it, the same creepy guy was there. As someone else took our order, he gave me a big smile...which vanished when he saw I was holding my boy's hand.

"Your boyfriend?"
"Yea, I brought him over from Malaysia!"

I returned that his huge smile.

To say his face turned sour was an understatement. His expression and body language was outright hostile.

HELLLOOO. You don't even know me, how are you entitled to being jealous of my boyfriend? That's just downright creepy.

Last...


19 years old (again)

I was asked out for a coffee by a stranger...while I was sitting right next to my boyfriend.
That is all.

______

Anyway, I'm already bored of this post, so to reward you peeps who have struggled and successfully reached the end of this post, I will now show you the uglier-but-not-ugliest pics of myself when I was...

15

17

19

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

I look cracked out and getting worse all through my teen years.

...don't ask me what was going on in the last pic. I don't know either.

Bonus: Match the photos with the corresponding story for extra authenticity/giggles!

Minimalist

Subtract until it breaks
The way of the minimalist

This is the philosophy which shaped the creation of Minimalist for Facebook and Gmail.

With each update, Facebook seems to introduce more and more clutter. The new features can be useful, depending on the type of user you are, but what I dislike about it is the inability to customize the layout of your Facebook. Not every user would like to use EVERY single feature that is introduced - I'm not much of a stalker myself - so it makes sense to allow more flexibility in choosing what does and does not appear on your Facebook page.

Today, I was browsing extensions for Google Chrome as I was bored to death staying at home on a Sunday. Initially I was looking for Ad Blockers to get rid of all those pesky ads on the sidebar. Eventually Minimalist Facebook caught my eye. I read the reviews, previewed the interface and decided to give it a go. It's free, why not? :D

The interface is extremely well-organized and clear. You can't really get confused at all (unless you're technologically impaired!) One thing that I REALLY liked was that a small preview pops up as you hover each option, clearly showing what you were about to change in case you weren't sure.

Anyway, straight to the point: Before and after screencaps!

Before:

After:

Damn different right? You can even change the colour of the menu bar as well as the background colour! The font colour changes according to the menu bar. Looks really good, imo.

Things I changed:

1. Completely hid the navigation bar 

2. Completely removed the right sidebar, including ticker and adverts (you can also select individual elements to hide if you don't want completely remove the sidebar)

3. Changed theme colour to deep purple (my favourite!)

The old pop-up chat is there because I never had the chat/ticker sidebar in the first place. I ctrl+scroll/arrow up twice to increase the size of facebook in general so my chat appears as the old one did and the ticker just hovers on the right sidebar, above events and ads. Anyway, not having a ticker improves productivity by 300%, so just as well that it's gone. (Making a rough guess here, but who wants to bet I'm roughly right? XD)

If you're wondering whether it was inconvenient that my left navigation bar was gone, don't worry! Just by hovering your mouse over the left border line and clicking brings your navigation back. You can hide it again by doing the same thing. Super convenient, eh?

To access the Minimalist options interface to make changes again is super easy. The Minimalist icon is located next to the bookmark icon in the search bar. Clicking on it shows Options, which brings up the Options interface in a new tab; Toggle on/off, which allows you to switch between the original and modified facebook with a single refresh of the page; and PANIC! ...which I have no idea what it does. I would really like to find out though.

Furthermore, the Minimalist icon only appears when you're on the relavant page. That means the icon for Minimalist Facebook only shows up in the search bar when you're on Facebook, and the Gmail icon while you're accessing Gmail. I find this a really nice touch to an already well-planned app.

Being super pleased with the results, I searched for more apps from this guy. The only other one that I found that I could use was Minimalist Gmail.

Interface works the same. The subject lines of the emails have been removed for my privacy, heh. Otherwise it still shows. Here are some before and after screencaps:

Before:

After:

Things I changed:
1. Got rid of top menu bar
2. Drastically cleaned up left sidebar
3. Got rid of disclaimer and miscellaneous junk at the bottom of the screen
4. Changed attachment icons to show the type of attachment it is (jpg, pdf and etc)
5. Took away redundant Archive/Spam/Delete bar at the bottom of the screen (my list only shows 20 emails maximum so it was unnecessary)
6. Cleaned up email options bar
7. Removed Search Web and Filter Options/Advanced Settings beside the search bar
8. Removed border dividers between messages

DAMN CLEAN NOW RIGHT? Checking my mail is so much more pleasant now!

Both extensions are free and easy to install. Just click 'Add to Chrome' and that's it! The options interface opens automatically and you can start making changes straight away. Changes are applied as soon as you refresh your Facebook or Gmail.

So far, I've not seen any performance issues from my browser, (the creator does put a warning under certain options that might drain CPU usage so I would just avoid those.) I highly recommend trying these out of you're bothered by clutter like I am. :D

Minimalist for Facebook

Minimalist for Gmail

Also, note that these extensions are for Google Chrome. I have no idea if there are versions compaitble with other browsers, but you can try searching for it. If not, just get Google Chrome already! It's fast, the interface is clean and it is highly customizable. Why aren't you using it already? O:

Boredomiscruel

After much effort moving all 48 posts and 50-odd pictures to a blogspot site, my new/old blog is now up!

For things to make more sense, you probably should read from the oldest post to the newest.

(Might be off-putting seeing that the latest post is a post telling you to go straight to the blog's successor, Snarkie)

The choice of font and layout was what I felt best represented myself at that moment in time. (Well, best among the choices of default layouts and fonts I could pick from Blogger.)

Anyway, first things first. Before you proceed to discovering or discovering my 14-year-old self, please note:

1. Pictures are at thumbnail quality as I did my backup in MS Word. The hyperlinks to the original .jpeg files have been deleted of the Friendster server, so the pictures are mostly in crappy quality. You can try enlarging them to scrutinize pixels. I have no idea why you'd want to do that, but then again people do weird things.

2. I lied. I used to lie and withhold information and twist the truth in my first blog. Not often, but when I did it was mostly to protect myself and make myself look better than I really am/make things seem more interesting than they really are. I'm not going to correct my manipulated statements (I did them in the first place with a reason) so please take everything I saw with a pinch of salt. :)

3. I was possibly offensive. I named names and called people names. I was young and I had a very different mindset then. It may have seemed like a very good idea to do it at the time, but I realize now that it probably wasn't a very prudent move. Also, relationships change. People I hated last time, I may like now and vice versa. If anyone wants their name and references to their person removed, please ask (though that does not necessarily mean I will do it!) 

4. My views are different from what they are now. A lot of things I said back then are no longer valid or don't make sense anymore. For example, the opinion of my post on how gay people are still people has not changed, but the logic and reasoning behind it has.

5. I was VERY spoiled. I was bratty and angsty, much like any teenager of that age going through raging hormonal changes were. :) Please don't cluck your tongues or shake your head at the selfish and  thoughtless things I've said. There is a high chance (though not 100%) that I have changed since then, so don't hold my 14-year-old self against me.

6. I had crappy word formatting. I bolded and underlined and italicized words unnecessarily. I had a shitty sense of spacing and lots of posts look messy. Some posts have been spaced better for the sake of easier reading, but they are otherwise unchanged. Everything you see was as it was 6 years ago.

7. I made horrible pop culture references and I listened to shitty music. Also, I used teeny words like 'prettiness,' 'evilness' and 'huggles.' You have been warned. 

8. I was ugly. Oh my god, the hair, the pimples, the inability to smile...EVERYTHING. Going through photos from the earlier 2000s just made me feel like facerolling on the keyboard. Why was I so keen to dress like a boy but paint my nails glittery pink?!?!

Anyway, to remind you that I am now less ugly than I was when I was young, here's a picture of me, dated 24th September 2011:

Now, without further ado, I proudly (and hesitantly) present to you:

Boredomiscruel!

Pictures :3

As I was transferring my old blog posts over to a new blogspot site, I realised that when I was younger I like to post pics. Sometimes to illustrate a point, sometimes just for shit and giggles. I found the posts much nicer to read when broken up with some pictures, so here I go again! I have a new camera and I haven't been using it much, so let's take it for a whirl today :D

My hair, redyed back to purple by Amanda.

The colour is Deep Purple from Special Effects. My cousin brought it back from the US; it costs only about $12 a bottle, which was enough for 2 rounds of highlights on long hair.

Definitely try this brand if you've ever fancied unusual-coloured hair. The purple slowly fades to a pretty cupcake pink after a while; you'll only need to touch up after about 6 months if you don't mind the pink. :3

Viv asked me to dye my hair a healthy brown colour, but I've grown so attached to my highlights I don't think I could part with them :( Not for a long time more, anyway. So many other colours to try! 

My latest mouse - the infamous MX518. I used to think it was hideous and that the paint effect was cheap-looking. However, I decided to give it a go after many recommendations and the fact that it fit within my budget.

I don't regret it at ALL. It's a fantastic mouse; incredibly smooth and responsive. It's also very comfortable and has never, ever given me blisters no matter how long I play.

I used a Razer Salmosa and Abyssus prior to buying this.

The Salmosa was too small, but not bad. However, it's too expensive and the ergonomics are horrible.

Abyssus played well for a couple of months before it developed click problems (not registering clicks/double clicking automatically.) More ergonomic than the Salmosa, but the non-bevelled edges of the buttons chafed my skin as I grip the mouse very tightly when I'm tense. The Abyssus broke after 13 months of use (just in time for the shop warranty to expire) during a casual game of Left4Dead2. And I mean casual by 'slapping zombies with Gnome Chompsky' kind of casual. The mouse button announced it's demise by emitting a horrible CLACK and then silence. Goodbye present from my sweet bf. T_T

Anyway, the only gripe I have about the Logitech MX518 is that the scroll wheel of my mouse is too sensitive, sometimes it scrolls even when I haven't reached to the next scroll notch yet, resulting in a double scroll. This is only mildly annoying during web browsing and since I don't scroll much in games anyway, it's not a dealbreaker. :)

 These are my nails that were stained by washing my hair after dyeing it purple. I've only had 2 washes so far, so the water that runs off is still a very opaque violet. I've learned from my last experience and painted a clear layer of polish over nails beforehand, so the dye won't stain my nails directly :)

This is my workstation. The term 'work' used loosely since I play most of the time...actually ALL the time. I go to uni to do my work cause they have bigger screens and faster processors. My poor tablet, serving as a placemat for my late night instant noodle sessions (with a hotplate underneath the pan of course!) I pitied it, so I have put it in a proper stand. :D

Also, my laptop is placed on a box cause it wouldn't meet my eyelevel otherwise; I started getting neckaches from the minor bending of my neck to view the screen properly. That box cost me 10 dollars. I bought it on a whim. I saw it and fell in love with it's gorgeously soft pink and equally soft felt pattern. When people asked me what I bought it for, I said it's to store my socks. But now there's nothing in it except a bunch of paper sculptures from foundation year. Just as well that I've found a good use for it now!

As for the clutter on the left side of the desk...

I challenge you to count the amount of food I have on my desk alone. Here are some Arnott's Orange Slices, BBQ Smith Chips and White Wings Choc Chunk Drizzles. YUM! (There is also a 900g M&M bucket in the background...but it's contents were devoured long ago. Now it just holds a bunch of stuff.) I didn't see it at first, but after I took this pic, I realised there was a half-eaten pack of Mint Pods under the chips...

1-a-day multivitamin gummies from my cousin (Ridiculously, the serving size is 2 gummies a day.)
Arnott's Caramel Crowns...

Assorted chocolate and candy bars...Triple Chocolate Mars, Cherry Ripe, Boost, Frutips and some random Chupa Chups thrown in, just to name a few.

A half-eaten packet of Milky Bar and a Jar with a packet of gummies in it. I bought the jar with 3 packs of gummies in it for only $5! 1 pack of those gummies sell for about RM8 in Malaysia wtf. Candy haven if you work here and earn Aussie dollars. *__*

 Okay. I'm guilty of overspending on nail polish. I don't even paint my fingernails. I only paint my toenails, and only during non-winter months. I have no idea why I have so many bottles here in Aussie. The best part is that this is less than half the amount that I have back home in Malaysia.

My favourite brand is Sally Hansen. Lasts reasonably long, smooth texture and has lots of bright colours that I love. I just bought 3 bottles that day for only $4 each, bloody cheap -.- Arguably, OPI has better quality polish and even more gorgeous colours, but going for RM60 a pop, I would never buy it for myself.

Thanks to another cousin of mine who bought me 2 colours for my birthday! Also, my mom just bought me Justin Bieber's line of OPI polish from HongKong cause it was on sale. If my mom were a teenager in this era, she'd be mocked by teenagers worldwide for that. Justin Bieber, Twilight, Nickelback - 3 strikes you're out! However, as she is a mommy, she is just considered endearingly cool <3

Another thing I'm guilty of: Hoarding soft toys :D Just try to count the amount of toys you see here. That unicorn cost me only $1 off eBay LOL. When I met the girl to collect it, I felt pretty awkward handing her 1 measly gold coin in exchange for that glorious toy O__O Again, this amount is only a fraction of the amount of toys I have back home in Malaysia. :)

And how can I end a bimbo post without a picture of me? :D Granted, half my face is obscured by my camera, but it's a cute camera and I don't mind showing it off. It's a Canon SX230HS if anyone's interested. I chose it because of it's good reviews and the fact that it comes in pink.

It reminds me of the time when I was 13 and opened the present from my parents. A dinky little 2-MP Cybershot, powered by 2 triple-A rechargeable batteries and in soft, pastel pink. I loved it so much. It started off my photo-taking craze which lasted a few years before abruptly ending...I'm not sure when, why or how.

I have this feeling it was when my family started pressuring me to take pics of everything at every conceivable angle while on holiday. I was also the designated camera person at every concert and outing. It was fun at first, but after a while I realised that while I was capturing memories of my family and friends, I was pretty much excluded from the moment.

How can I enjoy a holiday if I lost myself trying to find the most gorgeous angle to document everything I saw? Maybe some people can, but I rather be completely in that moment, rather than trying to capture a feeling I never felt in the first place. Now, mom has her own camera and has acquired her own snap-happy habit, leaving me to enjoy new places without being nagged to take pictures of every single doorway, fountain, flower or tuktuk car.

I am now content to snap a few pics for visual memory's sake and put away the camera to enjoy the moment. :)

The end!

Yay, not an angsty post. Pat me on the back please! :P