Melbourne

What is it about this place that always makes me feel so lonely? I wish I were home.

I'm sorry. I promised to try to be strong this time but it's my first night back and I'm already in a puddle of tears.

There's something about this place that makes me feel so insignificant, and unwanted, like I'll never fit in. I feel like I have no one. I feel like I AM no one.

Maybe I'm just jet lagged or all hormonal and PMS-y, but the moment I lay my head down on the pillow and covered myself up with a blanket that feels so familiar and alien at the same time...I just started having all these negative thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me.

And I let it. I fought it for a long time, trying to think of the happy things I'd be doing this year...getting a new phone, going out with Amanda and Tata, working at the macs at the school labs, shopping...but I couldn't fight it anymore. A tear rolled down my cheek.

Then, I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight anyway...so I'm here. Pouring my heart out to no one in particular. Whining about my feelings when my life should be all happiness and sunshine. I doubt many people would fully understand, or try to. And maybe if they do, they won't even care. I'm just another emotional wreck who can't appreciate the good things in her life, no?

When I first visited my sister here, I thought Melbourne was the perfect place for me. Good food, good shopping, a safer environment, lots of people with the same interests...it never became a reality.

No matter what I do or say or draw or wear, I'm still an outsider.

I know it's also my fault that I just can't find a way to truly connect to anyone. I don't know why I tend to shut newcomers out of my life. I think I'm tired. Tired of people judging me, looking down on me, expecting too much of me, using me, coming to me with all their problems and expecting me to listen when realistically, they will never be there for me when I need someone.

I'm angry. Angry at the way I can't just be happy like anyone else in my position would be.

This is fucked up. I was so charged with position feelings when I kissed Sam goodbye and boarded the plane. Excited for a new year and perhaps a new start, but when I arrived, the blanket of hopelessness just descended upon with such suddenness and force that I'm left reeling with a storm of emotions.

I used to thrive at night when i was back in KL. The night was when I'd hang out with my boyfriend, go out and yumcha with friends and play games with other online acquaintances.

Here, the night is just silent. Cold, dark and eerily silent, except for the odd drunkard cursing as he wanders down the street, reminding me of my lack of a nocturnal social life.

I pray to have the strength to survive here. I hate that I sound so pathetic and ungrateful, but I just don't understand. This place makes me feel the lowest of the low. It's cursed. So many people around, yet I can't find a single thread of common interest to connect with any of them.

I can't wait for daylight to come, when I know this feeling will wear off, as if it never visited and fucked with my mind at all.

I wish I can overlook everyone's flaws and just accept them as who they are. I hate myself for being a snob, but I can't seem to help it. I know I'm far from perfect myself, but I can't bring myself to socialize with people that don't check off completely against the list of good things I expect people to have.

I just feel that this world is so shallow. People care so much about what they wear, where there are seen, who they are seen with, that they cease to care about other important things in life.

I just can't bring myself to chat about cute boys and the latest fashions. I can't say I give a shit about which gaming company has better ethics. I can't tell you which is my favourite band or singer or actor or even movie.

It makes me sound so utterly uninteresting and uninterested, but that's not true.

I hope it isn't true.

I was thinking back...mentally reviewing all the possible friendships that I could have struck up in the past, and why I avoided them so strongly.

Dishonest people. Signing off an extra one and a half hours of work, when she was late, just because the supervisor was working half day.

Egomaniacs. Looking down on others because they weren't as skilled or rich, because they were fat or ugly.

Smokers. I don't really have that big a problem with people who smoke...only if they don't respect that we hate smoking as much as they love it, and blow smoke all up in our faces all the goddamn freaking time.

Fashion slaves. People who allowed fashion to turn them into hyprocrites, dissing a kind of shoe one day and adoring it the moment magazines tell them to.

Sore losers. Cheating to win. Getting pissed off when they don't.

Irresponsible slackers. Letting the team suffer just to indulge their own laziness.

Cruel people. People who kick animals just because they 'don't like them.' I don't like crying babies, but you don't see me beating the shit out of them, do you?

The more I list here, the deeper my self-hate becomes. I can't...I just can't become true friends with these people. I can be an acquaintance, someone who talks to them, smiles and nods when needed, but I don't think I can truly love them.

And that is so ugly of me that it's a wonder people can even bring themselves to like me at all.

My mind is fucked up. I now see that I'm afraid of people because I'm afraid that they'll be like me. Willing to judge, but not willing to be judged.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

I have no right to judge anyone as no one has any right to judge me. I wish I can turn a blind eye to all these, but doing so just makes me feel like a hypocrite.

Maybe I am.

Actually, I probably am.

ARGH. Fuck this shit, I'm turning on some music going to sleep. This silence is driving me crazy. And look, the sun is up! Yay. Now let's just forget about my nonsensical rant, alright?

I swear, it's this place that brings out the worst in me.

Cheating is still cheating

No matter what the motivation.

When I release my first video game in the future, I'm going to put a clause in the terms and conditions that allows me to sue hackers for ruining the gaming environment and disrupting the gaming community. (I can only dream =__=)

Are you really willing to sink that low just to gain an unfair advantage over others?

The excuse that others are hacking does not give you moral reprieve for cheating. If everyone said that, we might as well stop playing that game because:

1. You defeat the whole purpose of the game
2. You are NEVER going to improve

All in all, the whole community of that particular game will end up as a useless bunch of shits trying to impress each other with their cool h4x and absolutely no skill at all. All because 'someone else is hacking.' How do you know that they aren't also hacking because 'someone else is hacking'...or so they think? What makes you better than them?

Nothing. You're just as pathetic.

FACE IT. There will ALWAYS be hackers because there is always EGO. Saying that you only hack because someone else does is utterly retarded - do you see the vicious cycle of cheating that you're promoting?

Today my friend got into an argument with another guy on Garena. He thought the other guy was hacking, so he turned on his hack to be able to beat him. The OTHER guy who was playing cleanly before that saw that my friend was hacking, and REALLY turned his hack on to be able to match him.

See what just happened? A hack-free game just became full of hackers because of some misplaced suspicion/sore feelings.

I was there, and I saw it all go down with my own eyes.

To all my friends who have succumbed to the pressure and chose the easy way out rather than working hard to overcome these incompetent players: it was fun gaming with you in the past.

Now I can't help but feel utter contempt and disgust at your gaming attitude.

What happened to fair play and rising to a challenge? You resort to dragging yourself as low as the scum of the gaming world just to 'not have an ugly score'?

I hope the good score was worth it. And those who STILL suck even while hacking? Well, there are truly no words to describe how pathetic you are.

But of course, only in the gaming sense. You can still be the most awesome, kind, caring person out there, but this flaw in your integrity just stops you being the honest person you could have been.

Presents :)

 Happy Valentines + 2 year anniversary babe!

<3

+

So here I am at 7.15 am, attempting to watch the sunrise while blogging. This requires a bit of whipping my neck back and forth 90 degrees, but I'd say it's pretty worth it.

I just had 4-5 dota games and I met this really fascinating person who spoke alternately in perfect, advanced english and pasar malam-style crude chinese/cantonese.

He's the first guy I've seen in garena who speaks with such vastly different styles of speech that he just left me confused and intrigued at the same time. It was really puzzling, he seemed to be cursing you out, calling you a sohai noob fuck...then you realise he was actually joking. Well, not really, but he didn't say it in the rude, harsh tones that I read it with in my head.

Now I know what people think when I speak in games >__> So weird.

Anyway, this is probably one of the last times I'll be able to watch the sun rise with a nearly perfect view. Light slowly creeping across the sky, hitting the twin towers with full force eventually, making them seem like siamese jagung-shaped oscars.

I'm leaving next Sunday...back to Melbourne and uni life. I'm gonna meet up with my dearest Sunshine on Saturday to ice skate, and Helyna and the CS kakis hopefully some time after that. At least these people ACTUALLY want to see me and meet up with our group of friends before I leave.

I'm so tired of all the people making and breaking appointments. It's just so sickening. If you don't want to make the effort to meet up, just don't talk about it okay? I don't need your false niceties.

Surprisingly, the usual depression of leaving home hasn't quite hit me yet. Maybe it's because I'm starting this new uni year optimistically, and with friends!

The past two years - foundation and first degree year, I was a nervous wreck at the start of the year. I knew no one at all and was terrified that everyone would not like me and I'd have no friends for the whole 4 years I was to be at Melbourne.

But now I have a couple (literally, a couple - two people and together -_-) of friends and we're going to sign up for the same schedule so we can always hang out and do assignments together. ^___^

Today, we got on msn and planned it. 12 hours per week, as usual, and on thursday we didn't have a choice but to sign up for a 9.30 class.

GAHHH. Then Junki spoke up and suggested that we might as well start at 9.30 every day of class (tues, weds, thurs) so that we can a regular sleep schedule.

I was actually thinking that, but didn't dare to voice it out, knowing my bad track record of oversleeping and snap decisions to skip class to sleep longer. And Tata is exactly the same, if not worse than me...she lives in the suburbs so she comes even later to class.

So anyway, I'm feeling a little cheerful to be starting out the new year with friends and some hope to turn my lifestyle around.

The sunlight just hit the clouds...it's glowing a summery orange-pink. Mmm.

Anyway, another reason why I'm not feeling so gloomy is...Sam's coming to visit me this year! At Melbourne! During my mid-term break AND his birthday! What could be better?

I'm so happy ^__^ I'd PAY him to fly and see me if he'd let me. No one makes my day like he does. *lovey dovey eyes*

Okay. Anyway, life is good. No more huge group assignments this year = no stress = no horrible grades (I hope.)

I'm still skinny-as and I've kinda stopped caring. Sui Yi said my boobs were very cute. CUTE. When you think of boobs you normally think of adjectives like hot, sexy, gorgeous and curvy. Adorable isn't exactly near the top of the list, but at least it's a positive connotation.

So, the point is, I'm not gonna stress about my body so much any more. If I'm going to be the thin girl whose nose becomes impossible fat when I grin, that's fine. Why not let long legs be my thing instead of your typical well-endowed chest?

So yay. Cheers. I'm channeling a lot of positive thought into this post and I may not make much sense as it's 7.32 am and I plan to call my bee at 8 am so I think I'm done blogging rubbish here and I'm gonna CS with the random stranger who asked me to until it's time for my phone call.

Byebye.

Ah, I see my twin jagung oscars.

Ur so gay

"What's with you and gay people?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just the sissy gay boys I can't stand. It's so unnatural. I'm fine if they keep quiet about it instead of acting like girls."

"Why should they keep quiet about it if that's who they are and that's what they want to do?"

"It creeps me out."

"Then how come you guys like lesbian porn so much? What's wrong with gay porn? What's the difference?"

"It's different la, you wouldn't understand."

"Oh yea? Try me. Is it because you feel threatened by other guys? That they will try to flirt with you?"

"Yea la. How would I know what they want to do to me?"

"So if it's a gay girl, it's fine? Cause they are weaker than you?"

"Pretty much. I know they won't try to hit on me, at least."

"Are you really so full of yourself that you think JUST because you're a guy, EVERY gay guy will fall over himself just to fuck you? How come you're not worried every straight girl will throw herself at you then?"

"Haiya, it's different okay?"

"So every girl should live in fear of straight guys because they have the power to rape them at any given moment? Does that make a lot of sense to you?"

"Whatever la, who are you to judge me?"

"I hope you get asked the same question, over and over, by those whom you fear so much."

***

Everyone has their own beliefs; if we persecute them for what they are or what they believe in, we give up freedom. We give up our freedom to live life without a hiding beneath a facade; we choose give up love and peace.

Laughing at, teasing and isolating others IS bullying. It doesn't matter if you don't get physically violent, words can hurt just as much, if not more, albeit in a different way.

Rejecting what you don't understand means you will never learn and grow. Rejecting other humans because they are different, whether it is by choice or god-given, reduces us to nothing but animals without judgement, automatons without room for flexibility.

***

"I'm fine with them being gay, just as long as they don't get married and flaunt it in my face."

"I'm fine with you being fat, as long as you stay at home and stop being an eyesore."


"I'm fine with you being black, as long as you stay in the ghetto and bleach your skin."

"I'm fine with you being a single mother, as long as you get your ovaries tied and stop wasting our taxes by reproducing more."

"I'm fine with you being asian, as long as you stop eating dog meat and squinting when you talk to me."

People may look and behave differently, but ignorance always looks the same.

2 years

As if I needed facebook to remind me. :)

Happy 2 years babe. <3 Feels like it's been forever.

Hectic Days

Been kinda busy lately, sleeping at 5 and waking at 1.

Had lots and lots of DotA games with Sam and Iwan...and I'm so afraid I'll get addicted all over again. But I'm going back to Melbourne in 2 weeks anyway so I can't really play. OMG 2 weeks T__T There's so much I have yet to do and so many friends I have yet to see.

Sigh. 3 months. Long, konon.

Anyway I've FINALLY finished the zine for Melbourne U/Royal Children's Hospital. It's 40 pages long, including both covers. I'm really happy with it and I can't wait to see it in full glossy print and distributed to the kids.

:D

This is the cover, drawn by one of the kids at the hospital. I just cleaned it up (it was done in colour pencils) and rearranged it a little. I'll have pics of the hard copy when it comes!

I planned for it to be A4, but the moment I got into it, I realised it's gonna look much better in A5. And it's a kids zine you know? Small hands and all...

So I kinda rushed the whole thing in 3 days, ONLY cause I wanted to get over it. Not that I was running behind schedule. *cough* But to my surprise, I really enjoyed doing it!

I should know myself better by now after all these years. Whenever I'm faced with a daunting art project, I feel like absolute crap and don't want to begin at all. But the moment I start, I throw myself into work fully and am so completely immersed that I don't leave the PC for hours on end.

Not to mention games will no longer hold the same appeal as it would when I have nothing better to do. Distractions also irritate me pretty easily but I've learned to overcome that.

So YAY! I've nothing left on my shoulders except the editorial, credits and my bra straps.

Heh. DotA, anyone? And oh yea, Meeples too!

I miss Hely and Gaykay and Jawsh and Applex and of course my dear Sam <3

Step up

It's Chinese New Year and I'm playing Audiosurf in my new silk pajamas. It's pink and frilly and soft and swishy and you'd think I was on my honeymoon if it weren't for the fact that my mom bought it from me from China.

Whatever, I'm talking rubbish again. Anyway, I've decided to make a sincere attempt to live up to my full potential starting from this new year of the bunnie. It's MY year after all :)

That day, I was looking up at the bookshelf which my maid had just rearranged. A line of trophies were sitting there, newly arranged and shiny and all.

Of all 13 of them, 3 of them stood out. Not because they had some special shape or size or design or anything, but they brought back a very strong memory of when I was 9 years old. A standard 3 student in Kuen Cheng. (Yes, I had my primary education in chinese ok? Don't need to sound so surprised.)

Anyway, looking at those 3 gold trophies, I was reminded of a moment during a not-so-typical assembly - the assembly that most students had been waiting for. It was prize-giving day.

I recall beaming and getting up from my cross-legged position on the floor to go on stage to receive my shiny gold trophy for being the top student in English. I was still beaming when they called out my name for Maths. And I nearly smiled my cheeks off when they called out my name yet again for being the top student in BM.

I remember all my peers looking at me and clapping, some awed, some jealous, and my friends genuinely glad for me. And I could clearly remember being so impatient, I couldn't wait to bring the trio of gold trophies home to show them to my parents.

I remember them being so proud, showering me with praises. Top student in 3/4 of the main subjects. I remember being really happy and excited to see my parents' reactions.

What I didn't remember was trying hard to actually obtain those achievements. It came so naturally, easily, even, that I never once thought I had to work hard for something. After standard 3, I skipped a grade to standard 5 while changing to a new school.

Even so, I never struggled. The other 5 students who passed the PTS and chose to skip a year with me always rounded out the top 6 of the year together with me. 

Success came easily, without effort. I never tried, I never failed.

But now, in uni, I can finally feel the competition. And for the first time in my life, I'm worried about whether I can get a job.

When I was young, I just assumed that everyone studies, graduates, works and retires. Now I know it's not that simple - people can spend YEARS looking for a job. And finding a GOOD job may take even longer.

And in my field, it isn't simply about getting things done and doing it right. As they say, art is subjective. There is no right or wrong. The most important part is standing out from the crowd and selling yourself.

You have to make people want you, make them want to work with you, employ you. And with the stiff competition, it isn't easy. Especially since I feel that supply is more than demand at the moment.

Goodness knows how many digital artists are being churned out each year, and how many does a company actually need? I know for sure that the whole Starcraft II project only required twelve artists.

TWELVE. For such a large scale project. Are you kidding me? I guess I was being naive when I imagined that there would be a whole office full of people drawing away, dedicating their time to creating and perfecting a single character - their baby, so to say.

ONE character. Oh my god, how stupid was I? It's a difficult industry to get into, and it is hard, hard work.

I have never been good at taking criticism. When I get overwhelmingly negative feedback, I just shut down and go into denial. They don't understand my work, it's good! It really is! They just can't see it!

But that's the point. If no one likes your work, no one is going to hire you. It's not a matter of finishing a job to your standards - it's about completing it to the standard that THEY expect.

I should really buck up and start polishing up my work, cause I've let my standard fall so low that even I look at my own work with disdain.

When I received my results for the last semester, I was so shocked and disappointed that I just closed the browser window and pretended I never got them. And only when my mom asked me how they were, then I told her.

What a far cry from when I was little and was dying for the bell to ring and school to be let out for the day, so that I could rush home and wave my As in my parents' faces.

I think I peaked during Foundation year. Everything has been all downhill from there.

These were my Foundation results, which I was really proud of, although I thought I could have done better. I was near the top, if not the top, of the year. And I got a special award too.

And these were my first year results.

For me, it was nothing short of disastrous. All the HDs I had aimed for become Ds and I was crushed when I got a CR for a solo project. I ignored the CRs for Games Studio cause they were group assignments and the whole year was just shitty for that subject.

I was SO SO sure I was going to score better that I was crushed when I got the marks back. I have never overestimated my work before. I felt like I was starting to slide. The quality of my work was deteriorating.

And the worst part was when I mentally reviewed the year...it was true. I wasn't working hard enough. What I'd thought was pretty good for an assignment turned out to be pretty damn awful in hindsight.

As my nephew would say...N! (It's his way of calling someone NOOB!) I'm so afraid that I will start getting a CR average this year. I'm going to work my ass off and shine. I'm going to try to be proactive in attending lectures and ask lots of questions instead of skipping/dozing off in class.

I'm going to try my best to fight the loneliness that overcomes me every time I return to Melbourne, and I'm not going to be intimidated by my course mates.

You know what? I am going to fucking rock this year, and everyone's going to proud of me. Just you wait and see.

And I'm going to get my job at Valve and make the next big FPS hit so I can finally get the cars I promised my mom.

Yes. 7 fat ass Lamborghinis for each day of the week.

I'm not kidding!

You'll see what I can do when I mean business.

:)

Closure

I was never a really super religious person, but I comfort myself by thinking that God had an urgent need for more angels, so he chose and took only the best of men.

It happened so fast. I was just saying how the cancer had spread all over his intestines. Within that week, cancer cells were found in his lungs - a harbinger of doom. His sister died when her cancer spread to her lungs too.

Nevertheless, I was so optimistic and to be honest, I didn't worry at all. My father had encountered these developments countless times and survived them all. Of course, I never accounted for my uncle's immune system which had all but shut down.

A few days ago, while I was napping, there was a knock at my door. My sister said that his kidneys were failing and that he was moved the the ICU. There was no mistaking that sense of dread in her voice and face and in my heart.

Still, I had some hope. You could always get a kidney transplant, right? Or dialysis? I guess I was still in denial of the seriousness of the situation. Even as we wrote his will and watched him sign it, I kept telling myself it was just a precaution, something to fall back on if something goes wrong...which wouldn't, would it?

We went in and out of the hospital 3 times that day. I saw him in the ICU, tubes trailing in and out of his body, breathing ragged, pulse high. His hand shook as he signed. He chatted with family members for a while before the guard asked me and my sister to leave.

I waved and he looked right at me. I could have sworn there was a slight smile about his eyes. Then I knew that he knew.

His lungs failed a few hours after, and he was put on the ventilator. Funeral arrangements were made and his daughter was already on her way home from overseas. Reports showed that the cancer had spread to his bone marrow within a day - it was terminal.

It was surreal, dredging up painful memories...I was worried about how my mom would take it. But she has been a pillar of strength throughout, supporting my aunt and cousins endlessly throughout the ordeal without complaining.

Before my uncle was sedated and intubated, he expressed wishes to pull the plug and let him go. Breaking the news to my cousin was the most painful part of all.

It was a weird feeling - like things had come full circle. I felt like I was looking through a window at myself 5 years ago, though I never shed a tear at that time.

I finally knew that grief was universal. Everyone goes through the same thing at one point or another and we just have to accept it and move on. It's what your loved one would have wanted you to do.

Listening to my cousin speak, I had nothing but respect for the way she managed to verbalize her feelings through that veil of despair. What she said echoed what I kept in my heart for so many years.

I was glad my father died.

It sounds horrible, but looking at all the pain he was suffering, it was a blessing in the end. I never really said it before, but when it happened, there was a very strong and undeniable sense of relief under all that raw hurt.

Relief that my mom didn't have to fear for her soul mate's life any more, relief that I no longer had to stay up awake next to my parents' bed, listening intently to his breathing to make sure he didn't choke in his sleep, relief that he had finally found a better place and was free from all human suffering.

Somehow I know, that after the funeral tomorrow, I can finally release all the bad memories and bitterness and blame.

Maybe an incompetent MO was to blame for my father's death, maybe an irresponsible and selfish doctor was to blame for my uncle's death.

But I must accept that it is over. We all have to move on with a smile on our face and in our hearts, knowing that our loved ones would never want us to suffer for them.

I love you dad, and I love you too gee tiao.

May you both rest in peace and find each other in heaven.