The thing about most people is that they can't be trusted. If I tried to count the amount of times I've been backstabbed and gossiped about, about a million brain cells of mine would fry.
But I don't really mind. Backstabbing me is just a very malicious way to let me know that you dislike me or even hate my guts. I'd rather people be more upfront about it though, but I guess some people just dislike confrontation.
If you dislike a person, it's okay. With so many conflicting interests and beliefs, it's impossible for everyone in the world to get along and be peaceful and happy all the time. What I don't understand is how some people can hold a grudge for so bloody long.
So, someone pissed you off. Just take out your anger or forgive, then get over it. I never understood those people who can harbour resentment in their hearts for so long, and bother to make tiny little digs at you whenever the opportunity arises. I'm glad that I take up such a permanent place in your heart, however I'd rather you free up that space for something more beneficial to emotional health.
Okay, you hate someone, you let that person know, heck, make sure you let the whole world know. Then move on! There are lots of people I dislike and definitely do not trust, but I don't go out of my way to try to poison other people's perspective of them. If someone asked me, so how's 'this' person like, I'd tell them that I don't like them and exactly why I don't like them, but please go ahead and get to know them personally to judge for yourself.
Some people just make bad impressions or rub you off the wrong way, but other people may find them delightful and a pleasure to hang out with. It's not my job to decide how other people should view the person I dislike.
Another thing I don't understand is why people bother to insult each other when they have such a limited repertoire of insults. As one of my favourite vloggers, LuanLegacy said, when you're on the internet or picking a fight with a stranger, you know NOTHING about them. There's nothing personal to take a dig at, you can't say 'ohhh you're such a filthy person. I remember the time you dug your finger into your ass and then put it to your nose and took a great whiff, you disgusting motherfucker!'
Since you know nothing about them, you're just stuck with generic insults like 'ur stupid/ugly/fat bitch,' 'your mother's pussy/cunt stinks,' and 'you're a fucking retard, suck my fucking cock you fucking dog.'
Oh yay, how original. If you want to pick a fight, at least TRY to be entertaining, because god knows there's no other reason for a fight.
The other day, I was playing Mirana Wars and my opponent was getting really pissed off cause he believed I was maphacking. So he quit the game and actually took the time to private message me, cursing me out.
The funny part was, every poorly formed sentence of his was a variation of 'you motherfucking hacker, I wish your family would die in a traffic accident.' And he kept repeating it AGAIN and AGAIN without even trying to make any other point whatsoever. Needless to say, it got really boring really fast, and I said 'brb talk to you later, my game's starting' and went to play another round of Mirana Wars.
And would you believe it? I came out after my game was over, and found that he had actually continued to tell me that my family should die on the road/get run over/crash their vehicle for quite a while, although I clearly told him I wouldn't be there to respond anymore. I mean, COME ON. Has no one any creativity anymore? And most importantly...DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?
Why spend so much time insulting me, a stranger, who obviously is not feeling insulted, and who you are not even sure is guilty of the crime you're accusing me for? Huh? And even if I WAS maphacking, what makes you think you're a better person by wishing my family would die in an accident?
???
Hmm? Answer that, o righteous one. If every cheater in the world died with their family in a road accident, there'd be 80% fewer assholes on Garena and a hellota blood on the road.
I really don't understand what motivates people to spew so much hatred at people. :/ Doesn't benefit you, doesn't benefit me. Extra waste of your time if the person you're trying to insult is getting amused instead of hurt.
So, moral of the story. STFU and stop whining. If you don't like someone, tell them 'I DON LYK U' and get the hell over it.
Geez! Grow up, people!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Distractions
One good book, of which I have read half, said that the one thing stopping us from realizing our true potential was named Resistance.
Resistance is what keeps you in bed on mornings where you swore you'd get some work done. Resistance is the thing that whispers in a dieter's ear 'one more cookie won't do any harm.' Resistance is the voice in your head that says, 'I swear I'll start working harder...tomorrow.'
Resistance distracts you from your long term goal by throwing distractions your way...distractions that bring instant gratification and draws you away from long term benefits. I lost the chance to get straight As for my SPM by telling myself,' mehhh one more DotA game can't hurt' and '1 less hour of sleep won't make much of a difference.'
Sure, I had my pleasure of 'just one more game,' but having fun for an hour lost me my college subsidy. RM1000 is no small amount. I've seen many of my friends fall to the power of Resistance, they lose their attention to drugs and alcohol and end up regretting it later when they've failed their exams and can't get a job. Some knowingly let themselves get beaten by Resistance, some have been controlled by Resistance all their lives and have become so familiar with it that they don't notice it's there.
How many of you procrastinators? How many of you would rather party and hang out than study? How many of you have chosen to slept in instead of doing some work? Every one who answered yes is a slave to Resistance, as am I.
Tonight, I spent half my night setting a checkpoint and convincing myself that I'd get my assignment done that much by tonight, NO GAMING, NO DISTRACTIONS. I spent the other half of the night guess what, PLAYING GODDAMN DOTA.
How about my work? I managed to get about half of what I planned to get done, done. And yet, here I am, spending the last few hours of my morning blogging instead of finishing said work.
I'm SO weak.
Sigh. Anyway. I've had 4 draft games so far this weekend, and I won 3 of them. Or I should say, my team won 3 of them. I'm still very disoriented and often have no idea what to do, but I don't feel as nervous as before.
I remember last week when I was planning my transition away from pub games into clan wars, my friend remarked that I was ridiculous nervous and spoke like a gibbering maniac every time we brought up the topic. Now I feel extremely silly. It turns out the clan wars are not that scary after all. The players are far more organized and strategic than public gamers, but they aren't exactly impossible to beat either.
In each of the three games, I was the one who died the most, but at least I've gotten a small taste of victory and now I don't feel like a complete noobshit anymore. Granted, I still feel very noob I think Sam started laughing when I was panicking and asking him which was the best spot to ward before the game started.
Almost every gank that I've initiated ended up with my teammates being slaughtered and no casualties on the enemy team. But I'm lucky my teammates are pretty damned nice and just told me to learn from my mistakes, no harm done. Every opponent so far has also been very civil, and as lansi opponents was one of my biggest fears, now I feel pretty comfortable playing with a stranger's team of 5.
I also played alongside Viv, Eve and some other girls today and though I had a strange feeling that Viv was the only one who knew what she was doing, I really enjoyed the game.
Maybe it was because the girls were pretty easygoing about it all, I could almost feel the 'meh whatever we'll survive' aura emanating from them 7000km away. Most guys I play with are normally super uptight about winning, and even my most sweet-tempered male gaming friend has given me a taste of their scorn and sarcasm when we're losing at least once (intentionally or otherwise.)
I like to win of course, but if I do lose to better opponents, I really don't mind. It's a learning experience. I really like it when someone tells me nicely what I've done wrong and what I should have done instead. It's much more helpful than snappy comments and grouchy retorts. I don't mind you telling my how I suck, as long as you tell me WHY I suck (and say it nicely.)
Oh well, it feels good to actually be learning something and improving. Maybe I'll play more now :) Last time I got really sick of DotA cause it felt like such a chore, playing each hero the same way every time, watching people nitpick over the smallest mistakes and having to deal with obnoxious players and leavers.
I got tired of CS when I stopped improving. It's so frustrating to be playing at the same level and not see any progress. My friends tried, for a while, to help me improve, but eventually they gave up when my negativity took over and my skills remained stagnant. I felt them lose their conviction in telling me that 'I wasn't a bad player and I could pawn if I wanted to.' When they stopped believing it, I stopped believing in myself too.
I even developed a nervous twitch in my mouse hand because my lack of confidence made me deteriorate. The more I twitched, the worse I played; the worse I played, the more I twitched. So I just quit completely.
That day, when I was extremely bored, I opened up CS and decided to give it another go. I was perfectly fine. After warming up I started mowing down my opponent without much effort. One time my hand slipped and I died. From that round onward, my hand started shaking when I fired my gun. I couldn't control the recoil and I started dying repeatedly. Nerves took over and I quit the game.
Performance anxiety has always been a big problem for me. I used to dread piano exams when I was little, because the examiner scared the shit out of me. I'd spend a year practicing with my teacher with an audience of a few other students. Come exam time, they throw you into the chilled freezer of a room that's so silent you could hear yourself breathing, in front of a foreigner to whom you forced yourself to say 'hello, how are you?' because your piano teacher told you manners were VERY IMPORTANT, and they expect you to perform better than ever before.
I couldn't. I just freaked out. The piano keys felt foreign. I could feel the examiner listening intently to every note I played; every mistake I made sounded 10 times louder in that soundproofed room.
When I passed Grade 5 with a score of 100/150 - the exact score required to simply pass, I quit ABRSM. No more exams. My parents were very non-asian in that respect. Certificates meant nothing, my enjoyment was far more important than a piece of paper which I could use to wipe my ass and no one would notice it was gone.
I started enjoying playing the piano again. No pressure to perform well, no need to practice the same 3 pieces over and over again, no need to learn every single goddamn scale and arpeggio that existed. I rose to what my teacher considered Grade 8 level faster than expected. And although I never ever perfected a piece of music, I really really enjoy playing the piano now.
The pressure to perform takes pleasure out of everything. If you expect me to own at DotA and tell me so, I am much more likely to feel self-conscious and make silly mistakes. I can't draw when people are watching. I flub up the music when someone walks into the dining when I'm playing the piano. I can't do mental arithmetic when someone is staring at me, waiting expectantly for the answer.
Now, if only I could get past that anxiety, I'd be able to own at anything I tried. I truly believe that. My teacher said that when we made a mistake, make it the best and most awesome goddamn mistake of our lives. I once tripped in front of my entire school during assemble, flipping my skirt up to reveal my underwear. I got up, brushed the dust off my knees and laughed it off.
If I could do that for every other thing I did...hah. If only. If only I made a bad game and people told me it wasn't fun at all and I was able to say, well I LIKE IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. If only my skin was that thick...then maybe I wouldn't be so hesitant to keep trying and failing until I succeed.
Well. Okay then. Tomorrow I'm going to finish that dratted design document and proceed in programming the game. If it sucks and is not fun, WHO THE FUCK CARES? It's my awesome little baby of a game and you don't have to like it. Babies are ugly anyway. Only mothers could love them.
So TOMORROW. I WILL GET WORK DONE. I will allow myself to play, but I MUST FINISH THE DOCUMENT.
YEAAAAAAAAAA! *semangat*
Ok sleep now. :D
Resistance is what keeps you in bed on mornings where you swore you'd get some work done. Resistance is the thing that whispers in a dieter's ear 'one more cookie won't do any harm.' Resistance is the voice in your head that says, 'I swear I'll start working harder...tomorrow.'
Resistance distracts you from your long term goal by throwing distractions your way...distractions that bring instant gratification and draws you away from long term benefits. I lost the chance to get straight As for my SPM by telling myself,' mehhh one more DotA game can't hurt' and '1 less hour of sleep won't make much of a difference.'
Sure, I had my pleasure of 'just one more game,' but having fun for an hour lost me my college subsidy. RM1000 is no small amount. I've seen many of my friends fall to the power of Resistance, they lose their attention to drugs and alcohol and end up regretting it later when they've failed their exams and can't get a job. Some knowingly let themselves get beaten by Resistance, some have been controlled by Resistance all their lives and have become so familiar with it that they don't notice it's there.
How many of you procrastinators? How many of you would rather party and hang out than study? How many of you have chosen to slept in instead of doing some work? Every one who answered yes is a slave to Resistance, as am I.
Tonight, I spent half my night setting a checkpoint and convincing myself that I'd get my assignment done that much by tonight, NO GAMING, NO DISTRACTIONS. I spent the other half of the night guess what, PLAYING GODDAMN DOTA.
How about my work? I managed to get about half of what I planned to get done, done. And yet, here I am, spending the last few hours of my morning blogging instead of finishing said work.
I'm SO weak.
Sigh. Anyway. I've had 4 draft games so far this weekend, and I won 3 of them. Or I should say, my team won 3 of them. I'm still very disoriented and often have no idea what to do, but I don't feel as nervous as before.
I remember last week when I was planning my transition away from pub games into clan wars, my friend remarked that I was ridiculous nervous and spoke like a gibbering maniac every time we brought up the topic. Now I feel extremely silly. It turns out the clan wars are not that scary after all. The players are far more organized and strategic than public gamers, but they aren't exactly impossible to beat either.
In each of the three games, I was the one who died the most, but at least I've gotten a small taste of victory and now I don't feel like a complete noobshit anymore. Granted, I still feel very noob I think Sam started laughing when I was panicking and asking him which was the best spot to ward before the game started.
Almost every gank that I've initiated ended up with my teammates being slaughtered and no casualties on the enemy team. But I'm lucky my teammates are pretty damned nice and just told me to learn from my mistakes, no harm done. Every opponent so far has also been very civil, and as lansi opponents was one of my biggest fears, now I feel pretty comfortable playing with a stranger's team of 5.
I also played alongside Viv, Eve and some other girls today and though I had a strange feeling that Viv was the only one who knew what she was doing, I really enjoyed the game.
Maybe it was because the girls were pretty easygoing about it all, I could almost feel the 'meh whatever we'll survive' aura emanating from them 7000km away. Most guys I play with are normally super uptight about winning, and even my most sweet-tempered male gaming friend has given me a taste of their scorn and sarcasm when we're losing at least once (intentionally or otherwise.)
I like to win of course, but if I do lose to better opponents, I really don't mind. It's a learning experience. I really like it when someone tells me nicely what I've done wrong and what I should have done instead. It's much more helpful than snappy comments and grouchy retorts. I don't mind you telling my how I suck, as long as you tell me WHY I suck (and say it nicely.)
Oh well, it feels good to actually be learning something and improving. Maybe I'll play more now :) Last time I got really sick of DotA cause it felt like such a chore, playing each hero the same way every time, watching people nitpick over the smallest mistakes and having to deal with obnoxious players and leavers.
I got tired of CS when I stopped improving. It's so frustrating to be playing at the same level and not see any progress. My friends tried, for a while, to help me improve, but eventually they gave up when my negativity took over and my skills remained stagnant. I felt them lose their conviction in telling me that 'I wasn't a bad player and I could pawn if I wanted to.' When they stopped believing it, I stopped believing in myself too.
I even developed a nervous twitch in my mouse hand because my lack of confidence made me deteriorate. The more I twitched, the worse I played; the worse I played, the more I twitched. So I just quit completely.
That day, when I was extremely bored, I opened up CS and decided to give it another go. I was perfectly fine. After warming up I started mowing down my opponent without much effort. One time my hand slipped and I died. From that round onward, my hand started shaking when I fired my gun. I couldn't control the recoil and I started dying repeatedly. Nerves took over and I quit the game.
Performance anxiety has always been a big problem for me. I used to dread piano exams when I was little, because the examiner scared the shit out of me. I'd spend a year practicing with my teacher with an audience of a few other students. Come exam time, they throw you into the chilled freezer of a room that's so silent you could hear yourself breathing, in front of a foreigner to whom you forced yourself to say 'hello, how are you?' because your piano teacher told you manners were VERY IMPORTANT, and they expect you to perform better than ever before.
I couldn't. I just freaked out. The piano keys felt foreign. I could feel the examiner listening intently to every note I played; every mistake I made sounded 10 times louder in that soundproofed room.
When I passed Grade 5 with a score of 100/150 - the exact score required to simply pass, I quit ABRSM. No more exams. My parents were very non-asian in that respect. Certificates meant nothing, my enjoyment was far more important than a piece of paper which I could use to wipe my ass and no one would notice it was gone.
I started enjoying playing the piano again. No pressure to perform well, no need to practice the same 3 pieces over and over again, no need to learn every single goddamn scale and arpeggio that existed. I rose to what my teacher considered Grade 8 level faster than expected. And although I never ever perfected a piece of music, I really really enjoy playing the piano now.
The pressure to perform takes pleasure out of everything. If you expect me to own at DotA and tell me so, I am much more likely to feel self-conscious and make silly mistakes. I can't draw when people are watching. I flub up the music when someone walks into the dining when I'm playing the piano. I can't do mental arithmetic when someone is staring at me, waiting expectantly for the answer.
Now, if only I could get past that anxiety, I'd be able to own at anything I tried. I truly believe that. My teacher said that when we made a mistake, make it the best and most awesome goddamn mistake of our lives. I once tripped in front of my entire school during assemble, flipping my skirt up to reveal my underwear. I got up, brushed the dust off my knees and laughed it off.
If I could do that for every other thing I did...hah. If only. If only I made a bad game and people told me it wasn't fun at all and I was able to say, well I LIKE IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. If only my skin was that thick...then maybe I wouldn't be so hesitant to keep trying and failing until I succeed.
Well. Okay then. Tomorrow I'm going to finish that dratted design document and proceed in programming the game. If it sucks and is not fun, WHO THE FUCK CARES? It's my awesome little baby of a game and you don't have to like it. Babies are ugly anyway. Only mothers could love them.
So TOMORROW. I WILL GET WORK DONE. I will allow myself to play, but I MUST FINISH THE DOCUMENT.
YEAAAAAAAAAA! *semangat*
Ok sleep now. :D
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Insomnia
Went for my first DotA clan war today. Before this, I had always scoffed at playing draft-style DotA because it seems to realllllly waste a lot of time getting 5 friends and going through the ban/pick phase and testing the connection for a lagless game.
Also, it seems that draft players tend to take DotA waaaaaaay more seriously than pubbers (public gamers) and I was intimidated by that. If you've ever played DotA, you will know that pub games and draft games seem to be two very different styles and levels of gaming.
In pub games, there are generally no roles for the player. Each game has a mix of totally random heroes and everyone just does their best to farm and kill. Also, because you're playing with strangers, there is often a complete lack of communication and teamwork, and the difference in skill level and playing style can really hinder a team's success.
In draft games however, heroes are carefully picked and strategized around teamwork. Everyone plays an important role in winning the game and you can't be a 'kelefeh' or you'll almost certainly lose. I noticed that in pub games, I can just afk and leave my hero there, go facebook for a while, come back and nothing much would have happened. :/
Today, I spent the whole bloody hour running around, trying to support the carry, and just being an absolute mess because I was not used playing a specific role. Normally I'd just own my lane with whatever hero I'm using, and that would pretty much me 'playing my part' in helping the team.
Playing support/roamer was just absolute shit for me, because normally I like to just stay in my lane and farm and pick off easy kills when I could. Today, I was expected to ward, support, initiate and give my life for the carry when I could. D:
I was playing vs and I had no idea WHO to swap, as the opponent's heroes either had an escape mechanism or an aoe stun (think tidehunter's ulti.) In the end, I just settled for stunning and staying alive to deliver more stuns instead of swapping out a hero, ending up in the middle of his teammates and dying in the process.
Also, I felt disoriented as I was forced to buy stuff that I wasn't used to. I couldn't farm, and I was broke through the whole early game, and had to get used to using items that I've NEVER bought before in my entire DotA life. -_-
But in the end, we won. Our carry was farmed up, Sam had racked up a mega kill (wtf this supporter) in 15 minutes, and I was the only feeder. *wipes tears* I guess I have to try harder and learn to play as a supporter better. I like farming and would prefer to be a semi-carry, but can't because I'm lagging. -o-
And you know I'm bored and have nothing better to do cause I'm blogging about bloody DOTA like I used to when I was 15 years old. No ones gonna read it, except myself 2 years later and laugh at how noob I was. I totally did that last time I was bored. Read through my epic tales of public pwnage and ninja raxing and wonder how on EARTH could I ever find a game this fascinating.
I guess it's my nature to find something intriguing to the point that I load myself up with skills and knowledge to be above average, then immediately lose interest.
We won today, but I already feel tired of drafting. 1 draft game feels as exhausting as 4-5 public games. The sheer concentration and the fact that I was not allowed to slack really wore me out. I'll probably only do this once a week from now on.
People have asked me why I have not 'gone pro' as the female gaming world is relatively tiny and they feel I could be on par with other popular competitive female gamers. Wrong. I highly doubt my skills are anywhere near theirs, and my dedication is probably 10% of what they have, due to the swelling and ebbing of my interest in any game at any time.
Also, I feel hesitant saying this, but I feel that very few competitive female gamers are on par with their male counterparts at the moment, and even if I manage to beat them and somehow rise to the top ranks of the female gaming world, I would still feel inadequate and that my success was not 'properly earned.'
I'm not saying this to diss my fellow female gamers. I'm comparing the guys and girls at competitive level, and I feel that the guys tend to have so much more dedication to the game and take it WAY more seriously than most girls. From what I see, most famous girls gamers are playing on an all-girls team or in a female-only community. Besides shizuma, I have yet to truly see a girl go pro and play on par and WITH boys in an official team. (Viv goes without saying la, whatever sport or game she plays also pro dao bao one, as evidenced by her giant crateful of medals and innumerable tournament wins.)
There's nothing wrong with this, but skill is skill, and I'm not going to segregate the boys from the girls in measuring it. If you want to own, own gamers of both sexes. I don't really like to see girls own girls and be considered 'pro gamers' if they can't own as well playing against guys.
I'm not saying girls are always inferior to guys when it comes to gaming, but from what I see, the hardcore female gaming community is much smaller than the community of male gamers. And when the pool of people to pick from is that much smaller, by ratio, the amount of talent and skill to be found there is much smaller as well.
I've played CS for almost 3 years already and besides Viv (who taught me CS) and Helena, I have not seen a single girl who can play CS competently. Maybe I've not played with enough people, but the 'girls' I've seen on garena, if they're really girls, either:
1. Came into my server just to serenade us with pop songs on the mic
2. Are hacking
3. Are too busy flirting and self-promoting to actually play the game
4. Don't know what to do
I've not had much luck with the girls in DotA either. In all my 5 years playing DotA, I have not met a single public player that was a girl who was better than me. I'm not saying that I'm very good at the game - I feel VERY average, and that's my point. I've not met a girl who plays above average. -_- However, maybe some good female gamers do not have an obviously female online presence (choose not to reveal themselves, or have a manly gamertag.) However, those people that I have played with before who DID identify themselves as a female gamer have:
1. Thrown a bitch fit and left the game
2. Whined and expected/demanded preferential treatment
3. Flirted with other players and couldn't concentrate on the game
4. Fed and was generally obnoxious
So you can imagine how much faith I have in the female gaming community. I've know some female gamers in real life and some of them are really awesome and nice people who play really well, but they are a rarity. And I have also met female gamers that I thoroughly dislike and do not hope to meet again.
:|
I think I just lost interest in DotA again. I feel like Mirana Wars, but I've been cursed out repeatedly and I've only finished one game this week without the opponents leaving/afking. I don't mind pub games in DotA, but it only ends 2 ways:
1. We lose
2. The opponents are losing and they leave the game
I would play CS, but I tried that day and ran into hackers (again.) When I could FINALLY pawn some people who were clean, they closed the server/kicked me. I lost interest in TF2, although my bf is even more into it now than ever. Don't have kakis for L4D2. My feelings about Borderlands are now 'meh,' though I will probably start playing again cause my friends just bought it, and I love playing games with friends.
What other game can I play? I like social games that have an obvious objective. That means no minecraft (too random,) no Bioshock or other epic single player games (I lose interest when there aren't other players around.)
ARGH. I want an awesome gaming rig. My laptop's starting to show signs of age, and though it has served me faithfully for 2.5 years, I cannot deny that it could perform much better than this. I want a 24" matte screen and a bigger mousepad and more table space for my tablet and keyboard. I want killer speakers and a system that's strong enough to run a parallel desktop fast enough for gaming and doing artwork.
I want everything, but I don't deserve it.
Sigh. I need to work harder and get a good steady job that earns me a shitloada cash so I can support myself and buy nice stuff for my mom and my bf. :C :C
Now I'm just ranting. I need sleep. I miss home. I want to go home and snuggle with my bf and be pampered by my mom and have my maid pick up after me. I want to have no responsibilities and no worries in the world. When I fall sick, mom will be there to nurse me back to health. My bf will be there to love me and take me to nice places. I wish dad was here. I wonder if he'd be proud of me. I feel like a slob. Why am I having these spoilt brat thoughts now?
GAH I'm going to sleep.
I'm sorry.
Also, it seems that draft players tend to take DotA waaaaaaay more seriously than pubbers (public gamers) and I was intimidated by that. If you've ever played DotA, you will know that pub games and draft games seem to be two very different styles and levels of gaming.
In pub games, there are generally no roles for the player. Each game has a mix of totally random heroes and everyone just does their best to farm and kill. Also, because you're playing with strangers, there is often a complete lack of communication and teamwork, and the difference in skill level and playing style can really hinder a team's success.
In draft games however, heroes are carefully picked and strategized around teamwork. Everyone plays an important role in winning the game and you can't be a 'kelefeh' or you'll almost certainly lose. I noticed that in pub games, I can just afk and leave my hero there, go facebook for a while, come back and nothing much would have happened. :/
Today, I spent the whole bloody hour running around, trying to support the carry, and just being an absolute mess because I was not used playing a specific role. Normally I'd just own my lane with whatever hero I'm using, and that would pretty much me 'playing my part' in helping the team.
Playing support/roamer was just absolute shit for me, because normally I like to just stay in my lane and farm and pick off easy kills when I could. Today, I was expected to ward, support, initiate and give my life for the carry when I could. D:
I was playing vs and I had no idea WHO to swap, as the opponent's heroes either had an escape mechanism or an aoe stun (think tidehunter's ulti.) In the end, I just settled for stunning and staying alive to deliver more stuns instead of swapping out a hero, ending up in the middle of his teammates and dying in the process.
Also, I felt disoriented as I was forced to buy stuff that I wasn't used to. I couldn't farm, and I was broke through the whole early game, and had to get used to using items that I've NEVER bought before in my entire DotA life. -_-
But in the end, we won. Our carry was farmed up, Sam had racked up a mega kill (wtf this supporter) in 15 minutes, and I was the only feeder. *wipes tears* I guess I have to try harder and learn to play as a supporter better. I like farming and would prefer to be a semi-carry, but can't because I'm lagging. -o-
And you know I'm bored and have nothing better to do cause I'm blogging about bloody DOTA like I used to when I was 15 years old. No ones gonna read it, except myself 2 years later and laugh at how noob I was. I totally did that last time I was bored. Read through my epic tales of public pwnage and ninja raxing and wonder how on EARTH could I ever find a game this fascinating.
I guess it's my nature to find something intriguing to the point that I load myself up with skills and knowledge to be above average, then immediately lose interest.
We won today, but I already feel tired of drafting. 1 draft game feels as exhausting as 4-5 public games. The sheer concentration and the fact that I was not allowed to slack really wore me out. I'll probably only do this once a week from now on.
People have asked me why I have not 'gone pro' as the female gaming world is relatively tiny and they feel I could be on par with other popular competitive female gamers. Wrong. I highly doubt my skills are anywhere near theirs, and my dedication is probably 10% of what they have, due to the swelling and ebbing of my interest in any game at any time.
Also, I feel hesitant saying this, but I feel that very few competitive female gamers are on par with their male counterparts at the moment, and even if I manage to beat them and somehow rise to the top ranks of the female gaming world, I would still feel inadequate and that my success was not 'properly earned.'
I'm not saying this to diss my fellow female gamers. I'm comparing the guys and girls at competitive level, and I feel that the guys tend to have so much more dedication to the game and take it WAY more seriously than most girls. From what I see, most famous girls gamers are playing on an all-girls team or in a female-only community. Besides shizuma, I have yet to truly see a girl go pro and play on par and WITH boys in an official team. (Viv goes without saying la, whatever sport or game she plays also pro dao bao one, as evidenced by her giant crateful of medals and innumerable tournament wins.)
There's nothing wrong with this, but skill is skill, and I'm not going to segregate the boys from the girls in measuring it. If you want to own, own gamers of both sexes. I don't really like to see girls own girls and be considered 'pro gamers' if they can't own as well playing against guys.
I'm not saying girls are always inferior to guys when it comes to gaming, but from what I see, the hardcore female gaming community is much smaller than the community of male gamers. And when the pool of people to pick from is that much smaller, by ratio, the amount of talent and skill to be found there is much smaller as well.
I've played CS for almost 3 years already and besides Viv (who taught me CS) and Helena, I have not seen a single girl who can play CS competently. Maybe I've not played with enough people, but the 'girls' I've seen on garena, if they're really girls, either:
1. Came into my server just to serenade us with pop songs on the mic
2. Are hacking
3. Are too busy flirting and self-promoting to actually play the game
4. Don't know what to do
I've not had much luck with the girls in DotA either. In all my 5 years playing DotA, I have not met a single public player that was a girl who was better than me. I'm not saying that I'm very good at the game - I feel VERY average, and that's my point. I've not met a girl who plays above average. -_- However, maybe some good female gamers do not have an obviously female online presence (choose not to reveal themselves, or have a manly gamertag.) However, those people that I have played with before who DID identify themselves as a female gamer have:
1. Thrown a bitch fit and left the game
2. Whined and expected/demanded preferential treatment
3. Flirted with other players and couldn't concentrate on the game
4. Fed and was generally obnoxious
So you can imagine how much faith I have in the female gaming community. I've know some female gamers in real life and some of them are really awesome and nice people who play really well, but they are a rarity. And I have also met female gamers that I thoroughly dislike and do not hope to meet again.
:|
I think I just lost interest in DotA again. I feel like Mirana Wars, but I've been cursed out repeatedly and I've only finished one game this week without the opponents leaving/afking. I don't mind pub games in DotA, but it only ends 2 ways:
1. We lose
2. The opponents are losing and they leave the game
I would play CS, but I tried that day and ran into hackers (again.) When I could FINALLY pawn some people who were clean, they closed the server/kicked me. I lost interest in TF2, although my bf is even more into it now than ever. Don't have kakis for L4D2. My feelings about Borderlands are now 'meh,' though I will probably start playing again cause my friends just bought it, and I love playing games with friends.
What other game can I play? I like social games that have an obvious objective. That means no minecraft (too random,) no Bioshock or other epic single player games (I lose interest when there aren't other players around.)
ARGH. I want an awesome gaming rig. My laptop's starting to show signs of age, and though it has served me faithfully for 2.5 years, I cannot deny that it could perform much better than this. I want a 24" matte screen and a bigger mousepad and more table space for my tablet and keyboard. I want killer speakers and a system that's strong enough to run a parallel desktop fast enough for gaming and doing artwork.
I want everything, but I don't deserve it.
Sigh. I need to work harder and get a good steady job that earns me a shitloada cash so I can support myself and buy nice stuff for my mom and my bf. :C :C
Now I'm just ranting. I need sleep. I miss home. I want to go home and snuggle with my bf and be pampered by my mom and have my maid pick up after me. I want to have no responsibilities and no worries in the world. When I fall sick, mom will be there to nurse me back to health. My bf will be there to love me and take me to nice places. I wish dad was here. I wonder if he'd be proud of me. I feel like a slob. Why am I having these spoilt brat thoughts now?
GAH I'm going to sleep.
I'm sorry.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I love my body!
I love my body. There is no other possible way to say it, but I love my body. People like to comment on my size, mostly negatively, but honestly? I don't really care. I do often wish out loud that I would gain some weight, but please don't mistake that as unhappiness. Even if I stay this size for the rest of my life, I would still be perfectly satisfied with my body.
I noticed that the people who like to say that I'm too skinny to be attractive or womanly tend to be the once who have self-image problems themselves. There's this guy in my class who has a potbelly and always says he needs to start exercising; he often tells me that my breasts are too small and I should gain some weight. Hey, if you have problems concerning your own appearance, don't take out your dissatisfaction on me.
I never understood why society deems it socially acceptable for people to hound skinny people to eat more but telling fat people to cut out on fatty foods is considered 'insensitive.' I'm much less of a health risk than obese people, so why don't you go and work on their nerves instead by constantly reminding them how fat they are?
I don't have any eating disorders, except maybe a sugar addiction. If I'm not fainting every month or so and falling over from weakness, STOP telling me I HAVE to eat more. I will eat as much as I want, regardless of what YOU think is healthy for ME.
Sometimes I jokingly tell my friends who are well-endowed in the chest area that I would like to steal their breasts, but that doesn't mean I'm super unhappy with mine. I like mine. I don't feel self-conscious about them or any part of my body at all.
I'd parade around naked on a nude beach if I could, that's how much I like my body. How many of you can say you've willingly stripped naked in front of a stranger without feeling embarrassed?
When I went to Bali, I had a full body massage by a very pretty young lady. When it was over and I was getting dressed, she told me I was very beautiful. Needless to say, I was pretty chuffed at being complimented by a pretty girl while I was stark naked. The joke was that during the family dinner after the massage, I discovered that everyone else had requested for disposable panties and I didn't. I didn't know I was supposed to feel embarrassed about it. I mean you're already almost totally nude, how's a tiny piece of paper on your crotch going to help? The masseuse has probably already seen it all and then some anyway.
"Hahaha! You mean you just went completely naked?"
"Uh...yea?"
"You didn't ask for panties?"
"...was I supposed to?"
"Wa! You're not embarrassed at all meh?"
Well, since the whole facility was staffed by girls (except the boss who remained at the reception) I wasn't really worried if someone random walked in.
Also, now I know that I am 0% gay despite having a fascination with nice breasts (ha ha). A lot of my guy friends find it amusing that I appreciate girls with a nice body, but what is there not to like? I think girls are beautiful, and I think our bodies are much more attractive than male bodies when not comparing them in a sexual way, but just plain aesthetically.
Maybe I'm weird, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that girls' bodies have been oversexualized to a point where victims of sexual crimes are blamed because they are 'too sexy' and 'asking for it'. My boyfriend gets extremely upset when I walk into a room wearing mini-shorts and guys just stop and stare unabashedly. Do I like the attention? Yes, I do like it when other people can appreciate a pair of nice legs. Am I asking to be raped? No. If a guy attempts to do so, it's his fucking fault for not managing his sexual desire.
I'm not the type to dress skimpily and then hate on guys for staring; stare all you want as long as you don't lay a finger on me. I'm not going to act innocent and wonder why they are staring, just as a girl with nice boobs wearing a low-cut V-neck shouldn't get offended if people start staring at her chest. You know it looks good, you choose to show it off, so expect people to appreciate them as well (though some people COULD learn to be more discreet and close their mouths.)
Maybe you're scoffing now, thinking about how confidently I am speaking for someone with a 'flat chest', but frankly, confidence has little to do with how you look, and everything to do with how much you value yourself.
I am awesome and I don't care if you think otherwise. My body is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe I'm too skeletal to be attractive to you, maybe my breasts aren't big like a porn star's, but fuck yea I'm still pretty damn awesome.
I am not advocating 'natural beauty' where you're considered 'fake' if you put on makeup or have plastic surgery. I just feel that people should do what they want if it makes them feel attractive. You don't have to succumb to pressure from the media or society in general, but if you really think double eyelids are prettier, go ahead, use those eyelid stickers, have eyelid surgery. That's your call.
But remember, beauty is individual. Some people look good with single eyelids, some people look good with red hair, some people rock their shortness. If breast implants are your thing, go for it. Just remember why you are doing it and whether it will truly make you feel better about yourself. If not shaving is your thing, go ahead...though we don't really wanna see hairs peeking out from your sleeves, but that's ok. Just try to not wear singlets and wave hello.
I'm thankful I have a boyfriend who loves my body as much as I do. :) I think girls often overestimate how much guys prioritize cup size. Sure, there are a lot of guys who have breasts as their 'thing,' but overall I've noticed that my guy friends tend to go for the confident girls, not necessarily the ones with the biggest breasts and smallest waist. Perhaps those who are looking for a quick lay are, but those who are looking for a relationship or even friendship, often don't really care.
Sure, it's a plus if you have gorgeous breasts, but at the end of the day, it's just two mountains of fat. If all else fails, he can just squeeze your butt (unless you have a flat ass, then maybe he can squeeze your tummy...or something.)
One of my guy friends was attracted to a pretty girl who had breasts even flatter than mine (virtually none, to be clear) and people were telling him: "DUDE, she's got no boobs!" And he was like meh, don't care, doesn't matter to me.
(He's such a sweetie, people rated the girl a 4.2 and he was like 4.2? Hell yea, she's a 4.2/4.2 goddammit! I lol-ed but anyway, guys like that are awesome.)
...and I digressed.
Point is, I love my body, and if you don't love yours, don't bloody take your frustrations out on me. Go mope that you're too fat or ugly or smell bad, but hell no you don't come and tell me I'm ugly cause I'm skinny and don't have sufficient chest fat.
I'm not even going to feel hurt or insulted even if you have a 6-pack and an 8-inch dick. If you're a gorgeous girl or guy coming up to me and telling me I ain't pretty enough, then that just shows how much of an asshole you are and no amount of good looks can reverse the repulsive stench of a shitty attitude. Maybe you could 'get laid' more but that's your business, not mine.
If you're ugly AND insult me (which has happened before, this skinny, chinky-eyed boy who was probably 5-feet-tall then messaged me out of the blue, expressly to tell me that my nostrils were too big. What?!) then god help you. You're ugly AND rude. Good luck finding friends, mate. :/
Meow. People, grow some confidence and the world would be a nicer place already! And assholes who constantly pick on other people's looks to try and make them feel bad: STFU and GTFO. Sorry no one loves you and you feel it's your life mission to make the world feel just as bad, but please don't take it out on us awesome people thanks. <3
I noticed that the people who like to say that I'm too skinny to be attractive or womanly tend to be the once who have self-image problems themselves. There's this guy in my class who has a potbelly and always says he needs to start exercising; he often tells me that my breasts are too small and I should gain some weight. Hey, if you have problems concerning your own appearance, don't take out your dissatisfaction on me.
I never understood why society deems it socially acceptable for people to hound skinny people to eat more but telling fat people to cut out on fatty foods is considered 'insensitive.' I'm much less of a health risk than obese people, so why don't you go and work on their nerves instead by constantly reminding them how fat they are?
I don't have any eating disorders, except maybe a sugar addiction. If I'm not fainting every month or so and falling over from weakness, STOP telling me I HAVE to eat more. I will eat as much as I want, regardless of what YOU think is healthy for ME.
Sometimes I jokingly tell my friends who are well-endowed in the chest area that I would like to steal their breasts, but that doesn't mean I'm super unhappy with mine. I like mine. I don't feel self-conscious about them or any part of my body at all.
I'd parade around naked on a nude beach if I could, that's how much I like my body. How many of you can say you've willingly stripped naked in front of a stranger without feeling embarrassed?
When I went to Bali, I had a full body massage by a very pretty young lady. When it was over and I was getting dressed, she told me I was very beautiful. Needless to say, I was pretty chuffed at being complimented by a pretty girl while I was stark naked. The joke was that during the family dinner after the massage, I discovered that everyone else had requested for disposable panties and I didn't. I didn't know I was supposed to feel embarrassed about it. I mean you're already almost totally nude, how's a tiny piece of paper on your crotch going to help? The masseuse has probably already seen it all and then some anyway.
"Hahaha! You mean you just went completely naked?"
"Uh...yea?"
"You didn't ask for panties?"
"...was I supposed to?"
"Wa! You're not embarrassed at all meh?"
Well, since the whole facility was staffed by girls (except the boss who remained at the reception) I wasn't really worried if someone random walked in.
Also, now I know that I am 0% gay despite having a fascination with nice breasts (ha ha). A lot of my guy friends find it amusing that I appreciate girls with a nice body, but what is there not to like? I think girls are beautiful, and I think our bodies are much more attractive than male bodies when not comparing them in a sexual way, but just plain aesthetically.
Maybe I'm weird, but correct me if I'm wrong in saying that girls' bodies have been oversexualized to a point where victims of sexual crimes are blamed because they are 'too sexy' and 'asking for it'. My boyfriend gets extremely upset when I walk into a room wearing mini-shorts and guys just stop and stare unabashedly. Do I like the attention? Yes, I do like it when other people can appreciate a pair of nice legs. Am I asking to be raped? No. If a guy attempts to do so, it's his fucking fault for not managing his sexual desire.
I'm not the type to dress skimpily and then hate on guys for staring; stare all you want as long as you don't lay a finger on me. I'm not going to act innocent and wonder why they are staring, just as a girl with nice boobs wearing a low-cut V-neck shouldn't get offended if people start staring at her chest. You know it looks good, you choose to show it off, so expect people to appreciate them as well (though some people COULD learn to be more discreet and close their mouths.)
Maybe you're scoffing now, thinking about how confidently I am speaking for someone with a 'flat chest', but frankly, confidence has little to do with how you look, and everything to do with how much you value yourself.
I am awesome and I don't care if you think otherwise. My body is nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe I'm too skeletal to be attractive to you, maybe my breasts aren't big like a porn star's, but fuck yea I'm still pretty damn awesome.
I am not advocating 'natural beauty' where you're considered 'fake' if you put on makeup or have plastic surgery. I just feel that people should do what they want if it makes them feel attractive. You don't have to succumb to pressure from the media or society in general, but if you really think double eyelids are prettier, go ahead, use those eyelid stickers, have eyelid surgery. That's your call.
But remember, beauty is individual. Some people look good with single eyelids, some people look good with red hair, some people rock their shortness. If breast implants are your thing, go for it. Just remember why you are doing it and whether it will truly make you feel better about yourself. If not shaving is your thing, go ahead...though we don't really wanna see hairs peeking out from your sleeves, but that's ok. Just try to not wear singlets and wave hello.
I'm thankful I have a boyfriend who loves my body as much as I do. :) I think girls often overestimate how much guys prioritize cup size. Sure, there are a lot of guys who have breasts as their 'thing,' but overall I've noticed that my guy friends tend to go for the confident girls, not necessarily the ones with the biggest breasts and smallest waist. Perhaps those who are looking for a quick lay are, but those who are looking for a relationship or even friendship, often don't really care.
Sure, it's a plus if you have gorgeous breasts, but at the end of the day, it's just two mountains of fat. If all else fails, he can just squeeze your butt (unless you have a flat ass, then maybe he can squeeze your tummy...or something.)
One of my guy friends was attracted to a pretty girl who had breasts even flatter than mine (virtually none, to be clear) and people were telling him: "DUDE, she's got no boobs!" And he was like meh, don't care, doesn't matter to me.
(He's such a sweetie, people rated the girl a 4.2 and he was like 4.2? Hell yea, she's a 4.2/4.2 goddammit! I lol-ed but anyway, guys like that are awesome.)
...and I digressed.
Point is, I love my body, and if you don't love yours, don't bloody take your frustrations out on me. Go mope that you're too fat or ugly or smell bad, but hell no you don't come and tell me I'm ugly cause I'm skinny and don't have sufficient chest fat.
I'm not even going to feel hurt or insulted even if you have a 6-pack and an 8-inch dick. If you're a gorgeous girl or guy coming up to me and telling me I ain't pretty enough, then that just shows how much of an asshole you are and no amount of good looks can reverse the repulsive stench of a shitty attitude. Maybe you could 'get laid' more but that's your business, not mine.
If you're ugly AND insult me (which has happened before, this skinny, chinky-eyed boy who was probably 5-feet-tall then messaged me out of the blue, expressly to tell me that my nostrils were too big. What?!) then god help you. You're ugly AND rude. Good luck finding friends, mate. :/
Meow. People, grow some confidence and the world would be a nicer place already! And assholes who constantly pick on other people's looks to try and make them feel bad: STFU and GTFO. Sorry no one loves you and you feel it's your life mission to make the world feel just as bad, but please don't take it out on us awesome people thanks. <3
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