Insomnia

Went for my first DotA clan war today. Before this, I had always scoffed at playing draft-style DotA because it seems to realllllly waste a lot of time getting 5 friends and going through the ban/pick phase and testing the connection for a lagless game.

Also, it seems that draft players tend to take DotA waaaaaaay more seriously than pubbers (public gamers) and I was intimidated by that. If you've ever played DotA, you will know that pub games and draft games seem to be two very different styles and levels of gaming.

In pub games, there are generally no roles for the player. Each game has a mix of totally random heroes and everyone just does their best to farm and kill. Also, because you're playing with strangers, there is often a complete lack of communication and teamwork, and the difference in skill level and playing style can really hinder a team's success.

In draft games however, heroes are carefully picked and strategized around teamwork. Everyone plays an important role in winning the game and you can't be a 'kelefeh' or you'll almost certainly lose. I noticed that in pub games, I can just afk and leave my hero there, go facebook for a while, come back and nothing much would have happened. :/

Today, I spent the whole bloody hour running around, trying to support the carry, and just being an absolute mess because I was not used playing a specific role. Normally I'd just own my lane with whatever hero I'm using, and that would pretty much me 'playing my part' in helping the team.

Playing support/roamer was just absolute shit for me, because normally I like to just stay in my lane and farm and pick off easy kills when I could. Today, I was expected to ward, support, initiate and give my life for the carry when I could. D:

I was playing vs and I had no idea WHO to swap, as the opponent's heroes either had an escape mechanism or an aoe stun (think tidehunter's ulti.) In the end, I just settled for stunning and staying alive to deliver more stuns instead of swapping out a hero, ending up in the middle of his teammates and dying in the process.

Also, I felt disoriented as I was forced to buy stuff that I wasn't used to. I couldn't farm, and I was broke through the whole early game, and had to get used to using items that I've NEVER bought before in my entire DotA life. -_-

But in the end, we won. Our carry was farmed up, Sam had racked up a mega kill (wtf this supporter) in 15 minutes, and I was the only feeder. *wipes tears* I guess I have to try harder and learn to play as a supporter better. I like farming and would prefer to be a semi-carry, but can't because I'm lagging. -o-

And you know I'm bored and have nothing better to do cause I'm blogging about bloody DOTA like I used to when I was 15 years old. No ones gonna read it, except myself 2 years later and laugh at how noob I was. I totally did that last time I was bored. Read through my epic tales of public pwnage and ninja raxing and wonder how on EARTH could I ever find a game this fascinating.

I guess it's my nature to find something intriguing to the point that I load myself up with skills and knowledge to be above average, then immediately lose interest.

We won today, but I already feel tired of drafting. 1 draft game feels as exhausting as 4-5 public games. The sheer concentration and the fact that I was not allowed to slack really wore me out. I'll probably only do this once a week from now on.

People have asked me why I have not 'gone pro' as the female gaming world is relatively tiny and they feel I could be on par with other popular competitive female gamers. Wrong. I highly doubt my skills are anywhere near theirs, and my dedication is probably 10% of what they have, due to the swelling and ebbing of my interest in any game at any time.

Also, I feel hesitant saying this, but I feel that very few competitive female gamers are on par with their male counterparts at the moment, and even if I manage to beat them and somehow rise to the top ranks of the female gaming world, I would still feel inadequate and that my success was not 'properly earned.'

I'm not saying this to diss my fellow female gamers. I'm comparing the guys and girls at competitive level, and I feel that the guys tend to have so much more dedication to the game and take it WAY more seriously than most girls. From what I see, most famous girls gamers are playing on an all-girls team or in a female-only community. Besides shizuma, I have yet to truly see a girl go pro and play on par and WITH boys in an official team. (Viv goes without saying la, whatever sport or game she plays also pro dao bao one, as evidenced by her giant crateful of medals and innumerable tournament wins.)

There's nothing wrong with this, but skill is skill, and I'm not going to segregate the boys from the girls in measuring it. If you want to own, own gamers of both sexes. I don't really like to see girls own girls and be considered 'pro gamers' if they can't own as well playing against guys.

I'm not saying girls are always inferior to guys when it comes to gaming, but from what I see, the hardcore female gaming community is much smaller than the community of male gamers. And when the pool of people to pick from is that much smaller, by ratio, the amount of talent and skill to be found there is much smaller as well.

I've played CS for almost 3 years already and besides Viv (who taught me CS) and Helena, I have not seen a single girl who can play CS competently. Maybe I've not played with enough people, but the 'girls' I've seen on garena, if they're really girls, either:

1. Came into my server just to serenade us with pop songs on the mic
2. Are hacking
3. Are too busy flirting and self-promoting to actually play the game
4. Don't know what to do

I've not had much luck with the girls in DotA either. In all my 5 years playing DotA, I have not met a single public player that was a girl who was better than me. I'm not saying that I'm very good at the game - I feel VERY average, and that's my point. I've not met a girl who plays above average. -_- However, maybe some good female gamers do not have an obviously female online presence (choose not to reveal themselves, or have a manly gamertag.) However, those people that I have played with before who DID identify themselves as a female gamer have:

1. Thrown a bitch fit and left the game
2. Whined and expected/demanded preferential treatment
3. Flirted with other players and couldn't concentrate on the game
4. Fed and was generally obnoxious

So you can imagine how much faith I have in the female gaming community. I've know some female gamers in real life and some of them are really awesome and nice people who play really well, but they are a rarity. And I have also met female gamers that I thoroughly dislike and do not hope to meet again.

:|

I think I just lost interest in DotA again. I feel like Mirana Wars, but I've been cursed out repeatedly and I've only finished one game this week without the opponents leaving/afking. I don't mind pub games in DotA, but it only ends 2 ways:

1. We lose
2. The opponents are losing and they leave the game

I would play CS, but I tried that day and ran into hackers (again.) When I could FINALLY pawn some people who were clean, they closed the server/kicked me. I lost interest in TF2, although my bf is even more into it now than ever. Don't have kakis for L4D2. My feelings about Borderlands are now 'meh,' though I will probably start playing again cause my friends just bought it, and I love playing games with friends.

What other game can I play? I like social games that have an obvious objective. That means no minecraft (too random,) no Bioshock or other epic single player games (I lose interest when there aren't other players around.)


ARGH. I want an awesome gaming rig. My laptop's starting to show signs of age, and though it has served me faithfully for 2.5 years, I cannot deny that it could perform much better than this. I want a 24" matte screen and a bigger mousepad and more table space for my tablet and keyboard. I want killer speakers and a system that's strong enough to run a parallel desktop fast enough for gaming and doing artwork.

I want everything, but I don't deserve it.

Sigh. I need to work harder and get a good steady job that earns me a shitloada cash so I can support myself and buy nice stuff for my mom and my bf. :C :C

Now I'm just ranting. I need sleep. I miss home. I want to go home and snuggle with my bf and be pampered by my mom and have my maid pick up after me. I want to have no responsibilities and no worries in the world. When I fall sick, mom will be there to nurse me back to health. My bf will be there to love me and take me to nice places. I wish dad was here. I wonder if he'd be proud of me. I feel like a slob. Why am I having these spoilt brat thoughts now?

GAH I'm going to sleep.

I'm sorry.