Step up

It's Chinese New Year and I'm playing Audiosurf in my new silk pajamas. It's pink and frilly and soft and swishy and you'd think I was on my honeymoon if it weren't for the fact that my mom bought it from me from China.

Whatever, I'm talking rubbish again. Anyway, I've decided to make a sincere attempt to live up to my full potential starting from this new year of the bunnie. It's MY year after all :)

That day, I was looking up at the bookshelf which my maid had just rearranged. A line of trophies were sitting there, newly arranged and shiny and all.

Of all 13 of them, 3 of them stood out. Not because they had some special shape or size or design or anything, but they brought back a very strong memory of when I was 9 years old. A standard 3 student in Kuen Cheng. (Yes, I had my primary education in chinese ok? Don't need to sound so surprised.)

Anyway, looking at those 3 gold trophies, I was reminded of a moment during a not-so-typical assembly - the assembly that most students had been waiting for. It was prize-giving day.

I recall beaming and getting up from my cross-legged position on the floor to go on stage to receive my shiny gold trophy for being the top student in English. I was still beaming when they called out my name for Maths. And I nearly smiled my cheeks off when they called out my name yet again for being the top student in BM.

I remember all my peers looking at me and clapping, some awed, some jealous, and my friends genuinely glad for me. And I could clearly remember being so impatient, I couldn't wait to bring the trio of gold trophies home to show them to my parents.

I remember them being so proud, showering me with praises. Top student in 3/4 of the main subjects. I remember being really happy and excited to see my parents' reactions.

What I didn't remember was trying hard to actually obtain those achievements. It came so naturally, easily, even, that I never once thought I had to work hard for something. After standard 3, I skipped a grade to standard 5 while changing to a new school.

Even so, I never struggled. The other 5 students who passed the PTS and chose to skip a year with me always rounded out the top 6 of the year together with me. 

Success came easily, without effort. I never tried, I never failed.

But now, in uni, I can finally feel the competition. And for the first time in my life, I'm worried about whether I can get a job.

When I was young, I just assumed that everyone studies, graduates, works and retires. Now I know it's not that simple - people can spend YEARS looking for a job. And finding a GOOD job may take even longer.

And in my field, it isn't simply about getting things done and doing it right. As they say, art is subjective. There is no right or wrong. The most important part is standing out from the crowd and selling yourself.

You have to make people want you, make them want to work with you, employ you. And with the stiff competition, it isn't easy. Especially since I feel that supply is more than demand at the moment.

Goodness knows how many digital artists are being churned out each year, and how many does a company actually need? I know for sure that the whole Starcraft II project only required twelve artists.

TWELVE. For such a large scale project. Are you kidding me? I guess I was being naive when I imagined that there would be a whole office full of people drawing away, dedicating their time to creating and perfecting a single character - their baby, so to say.

ONE character. Oh my god, how stupid was I? It's a difficult industry to get into, and it is hard, hard work.

I have never been good at taking criticism. When I get overwhelmingly negative feedback, I just shut down and go into denial. They don't understand my work, it's good! It really is! They just can't see it!

But that's the point. If no one likes your work, no one is going to hire you. It's not a matter of finishing a job to your standards - it's about completing it to the standard that THEY expect.

I should really buck up and start polishing up my work, cause I've let my standard fall so low that even I look at my own work with disdain.

When I received my results for the last semester, I was so shocked and disappointed that I just closed the browser window and pretended I never got them. And only when my mom asked me how they were, then I told her.

What a far cry from when I was little and was dying for the bell to ring and school to be let out for the day, so that I could rush home and wave my As in my parents' faces.

I think I peaked during Foundation year. Everything has been all downhill from there.

These were my Foundation results, which I was really proud of, although I thought I could have done better. I was near the top, if not the top, of the year. And I got a special award too.

And these were my first year results.

For me, it was nothing short of disastrous. All the HDs I had aimed for become Ds and I was crushed when I got a CR for a solo project. I ignored the CRs for Games Studio cause they were group assignments and the whole year was just shitty for that subject.

I was SO SO sure I was going to score better that I was crushed when I got the marks back. I have never overestimated my work before. I felt like I was starting to slide. The quality of my work was deteriorating.

And the worst part was when I mentally reviewed the year...it was true. I wasn't working hard enough. What I'd thought was pretty good for an assignment turned out to be pretty damn awful in hindsight.

As my nephew would say...N! (It's his way of calling someone NOOB!) I'm so afraid that I will start getting a CR average this year. I'm going to work my ass off and shine. I'm going to try to be proactive in attending lectures and ask lots of questions instead of skipping/dozing off in class.

I'm going to try my best to fight the loneliness that overcomes me every time I return to Melbourne, and I'm not going to be intimidated by my course mates.

You know what? I am going to fucking rock this year, and everyone's going to proud of me. Just you wait and see.

And I'm going to get my job at Valve and make the next big FPS hit so I can finally get the cars I promised my mom.

Yes. 7 fat ass Lamborghinis for each day of the week.

I'm not kidding!

You'll see what I can do when I mean business.

:)