Melbourne

What is it about this place that always makes me feel so lonely? I wish I were home.

I'm sorry. I promised to try to be strong this time but it's my first night back and I'm already in a puddle of tears.

There's something about this place that makes me feel so insignificant, and unwanted, like I'll never fit in. I feel like I have no one. I feel like I AM no one.

Maybe I'm just jet lagged or all hormonal and PMS-y, but the moment I lay my head down on the pillow and covered myself up with a blanket that feels so familiar and alien at the same time...I just started having all these negative thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me.

And I let it. I fought it for a long time, trying to think of the happy things I'd be doing this year...getting a new phone, going out with Amanda and Tata, working at the macs at the school labs, shopping...but I couldn't fight it anymore. A tear rolled down my cheek.

Then, I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight anyway...so I'm here. Pouring my heart out to no one in particular. Whining about my feelings when my life should be all happiness and sunshine. I doubt many people would fully understand, or try to. And maybe if they do, they won't even care. I'm just another emotional wreck who can't appreciate the good things in her life, no?

When I first visited my sister here, I thought Melbourne was the perfect place for me. Good food, good shopping, a safer environment, lots of people with the same interests...it never became a reality.

No matter what I do or say or draw or wear, I'm still an outsider.

I know it's also my fault that I just can't find a way to truly connect to anyone. I don't know why I tend to shut newcomers out of my life. I think I'm tired. Tired of people judging me, looking down on me, expecting too much of me, using me, coming to me with all their problems and expecting me to listen when realistically, they will never be there for me when I need someone.

I'm angry. Angry at the way I can't just be happy like anyone else in my position would be.

This is fucked up. I was so charged with position feelings when I kissed Sam goodbye and boarded the plane. Excited for a new year and perhaps a new start, but when I arrived, the blanket of hopelessness just descended upon with such suddenness and force that I'm left reeling with a storm of emotions.

I used to thrive at night when i was back in KL. The night was when I'd hang out with my boyfriend, go out and yumcha with friends and play games with other online acquaintances.

Here, the night is just silent. Cold, dark and eerily silent, except for the odd drunkard cursing as he wanders down the street, reminding me of my lack of a nocturnal social life.

I pray to have the strength to survive here. I hate that I sound so pathetic and ungrateful, but I just don't understand. This place makes me feel the lowest of the low. It's cursed. So many people around, yet I can't find a single thread of common interest to connect with any of them.

I can't wait for daylight to come, when I know this feeling will wear off, as if it never visited and fucked with my mind at all.

I wish I can overlook everyone's flaws and just accept them as who they are. I hate myself for being a snob, but I can't seem to help it. I know I'm far from perfect myself, but I can't bring myself to socialize with people that don't check off completely against the list of good things I expect people to have.

I just feel that this world is so shallow. People care so much about what they wear, where there are seen, who they are seen with, that they cease to care about other important things in life.

I just can't bring myself to chat about cute boys and the latest fashions. I can't say I give a shit about which gaming company has better ethics. I can't tell you which is my favourite band or singer or actor or even movie.

It makes me sound so utterly uninteresting and uninterested, but that's not true.

I hope it isn't true.

I was thinking back...mentally reviewing all the possible friendships that I could have struck up in the past, and why I avoided them so strongly.

Dishonest people. Signing off an extra one and a half hours of work, when she was late, just because the supervisor was working half day.

Egomaniacs. Looking down on others because they weren't as skilled or rich, because they were fat or ugly.

Smokers. I don't really have that big a problem with people who smoke...only if they don't respect that we hate smoking as much as they love it, and blow smoke all up in our faces all the goddamn freaking time.

Fashion slaves. People who allowed fashion to turn them into hyprocrites, dissing a kind of shoe one day and adoring it the moment magazines tell them to.

Sore losers. Cheating to win. Getting pissed off when they don't.

Irresponsible slackers. Letting the team suffer just to indulge their own laziness.

Cruel people. People who kick animals just because they 'don't like them.' I don't like crying babies, but you don't see me beating the shit out of them, do you?

The more I list here, the deeper my self-hate becomes. I can't...I just can't become true friends with these people. I can be an acquaintance, someone who talks to them, smiles and nods when needed, but I don't think I can truly love them.

And that is so ugly of me that it's a wonder people can even bring themselves to like me at all.

My mind is fucked up. I now see that I'm afraid of people because I'm afraid that they'll be like me. Willing to judge, but not willing to be judged.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

I have no right to judge anyone as no one has any right to judge me. I wish I can turn a blind eye to all these, but doing so just makes me feel like a hypocrite.

Maybe I am.

Actually, I probably am.

ARGH. Fuck this shit, I'm turning on some music going to sleep. This silence is driving me crazy. And look, the sun is up! Yay. Now let's just forget about my nonsensical rant, alright?

I swear, it's this place that brings out the worst in me.