It's like someone decided they hadn't messed with my family enough; hadn't traumatized us enough, so we have to repeat the same fucking scenario again and again while they laugh and point at us, amused to bits.
I'm not saying the powers above has it out for my family - others will say that they are just testing our resilience, letting us show how strong we can really be.
Well, it's not fucking funny anymore, is what I'd like to say to them when I do meet them.
As if watching her life partner die before her wasn't enough, in the past year or so my mom had to watch my father's brother die of the same cancer he had, watch her oldest sister get her kidney cut out due to cancer (thankfully she's recovering,) and most recently watch her second sister go through the same pain she may not even have gotten over.
My uncle just had his whole bloody stomach cut out to guess what? Cancer. The big fucking C that just can't get enough of my family.
Fucking fucking fuck the hell off already, can?
I barely feel any pain or dread anymore. I've felt those twin feelings of doom so often last time that I've learned to block it out effectively. So effectively that I barely blinked when my mom told me that my paternal uncle died. But seeing my mom stressed and near tears all the time, while facing the same repeated ordeal that life loves to toss her way?
I. Can't. Fucking. Deal. Ok?
Seeing my aunt, who NEVER cries in public for emotional reasons, tear up during dinner whilst fearing for her husband's life? No, hell no. I almost want to vomit from it all.
I'm not the only one going through/who has been through this, I am well aware of that.
Let's see, not one, not two, but FIVE friends that I can think of from the top of my head has lost a parent too early. And god knows how many more whose ordeal hasn't ended yet. Not to mention a little girl my family was very fond of...she died at the tender age of 10.
I just feel so crappily hopeless at facing these things. Somehow, watching my uncle losing all hope and preparing to die even while he technically still has a chance to live has me fuming inside.
Look at my dad. He fought for 10 fucking years and kicked cancer's ass 3 fucking times over and spat on it for good measure.
He was so strong that he didn't even lose ANY hair throughout the chemotherapy period of the final bout of cancer.
And how did he die? you may ask.
A bunch of incompetent fucking idiots at the fucking hospital who probably paid $ just to scrape a EMT qualification killed him.
Can you even fucking believe it? 10 fucking years fighting the hard fight, enduring the pain of chemo and radiation, losing his taste buds and appetite for anything at all, only to die of a fucking NOSEBLEED at the hands of some smug retards?
Ha. What a fucking joke. What a sick, fucking, joke.
I would've laughed if I weren't completely torn up inside. Shredded, stomped over with stilettos and shat on.
Even the person who called me from the hospital didn't have a single fucking ounce of sympathy.
"Hello, your dad just passed away and I need your address."
When I didn't reply she impatiently snapped at me to stop crying and that she REALLY needed my address so someone could come pick me up, or did I know anyone who could fetch me to the hospital? FYI, passed away is a term that completely pisses me off, if you didn't know already. Dead is dead is DEAD, alright?
Man. Har. Har. Har. Our healthcare system. Har har har. Joke. Ha.
We entrust our lives to these people and they can't even fucking show an ounce of empathy, feigned or otherwise.
Ha.
And my uncle's current doctor? If he isn't a patronizing, smug-ass fucktard without an ounce of manners or respect in his body, well, fuck me silly.
He had the fucking nerve to say my mom knows NOTHING when he doesn't even know her.
NOTHING, after 10 years of dealing with that shit, when in reality, he had all his facts wrong. He didn't even apologize after he discovered his mistake.
Ma de.
Or maybe you should see MY doctor as an example.
I have scoliosis and was suffering from severe backache a couple years back, so I went to see a spine specialist. After waiting more than an hour to see him, he took one look at me, one look at my complaint and promptly told me it was MY problem that I was BORN TOO TALL. Wtf?
He then rolled his eyeballs as I described my symptoms and shooed me out from his clinic after 5 whopping minutes, not bothering to even examine me, charging me hundreds of ringgit for that moronic quip and NO advice at all.
What in the fucking hell?
Or maybe take my friend's mom's oncologist, who told her she was STUPID during a consultation and made her cry.
Well, she's dead now.
I hope you're fucking happy, you bitchass pathetic excuse for a doctor. You're supposed to be HELPING and COMFORTING your patients as they go through this ordeal, not insult and ridicule them.
NEVER fucking become a doctor if you only want the money. Save your 10 years and go be a businessman instead.
Pui.
You'd think I'd have gotten over it by now.
Honestly? I thought I did too.
I guess it turns out that I'm just a tense little ball of bitterness and anger.
Now do you still think I'm a little ray of sunshine? Huh? Do you?
Har har har. Watch me smile and laugh and joke when you next see me, then think about what's hiding beneath all that. : )
Peace.
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