Oh my, how you've changed!

So last night I was lying in bed after 4 vicious hours of zombie killing (actually not vicious, L4D2 has got to be one of the least terrifying zombie games out there) and I wondered...where the hell is my life going?

Despite a brief hiatus from gaming, I'm practically back to my old unhealthy lifestyle. What a shame. And I made so much progress too.

I gained more than 5 kg in 2 years and managed to leave the house to see the world (I got my first pedicure hohoho.) *__* But addiction is addiction. You know when smokers say they've quit for good and then start smoking again because of some significant event in life or just...circumstances?

Well, my major event is boredom and lack of social skills. I'm sitting at home with no plans whatsoever, shooting zombies or terrorists and whatnot instead.

:(

I guess you can blame my reluctance to socialize for the fact that I've made pathetically few friends in the past...few...ah ok I was never a social butterfly anyway. -__-

Having always been the slightly awkward, gangly loner in any group of friends, my people skills were just stunted to the point of non-existence.

It didn't help that I was half a head (sometimes a whole head) taller than my peers, bony and always engrossed in some book or other. And the fact that my style of speech was deemed 'nerdy' and 'snobby' by most didn't really help either. And I was ugly.

So yea. Um. Okay.

Since those awkward days, I've learned to say the right things, laugh at the right times, wear the right clothes (er sometimes,) go to the right places.

But I wonder if becoming this minishorts-wearing, long-haired magazine-reader with a well-practised (and fake) sheepish smile has really retained any part of the ME that I used to be.

Oh come on, you know I totally kicked ass when I was younger. Now I'm like some watered-down blonde clone of myself that gets her ass pinched in clubs and can't be arsed to do mental arithmetic anymore. (Thank god for handphone calculators.)

On the bright side, I managed to retain enough nerve to whirl around to scratch the ass-pincher's eyes out in a fit of fury and indignance...well, I would have, had he not escaped into the crowd, slinking away with a smirk on his face.

But now...perhaps I can regain some part of my old self by indulging in one of my favourite activities when I was 14. Blogging and telling long-winded accounts of my life to no one in particular. (To no one at all is fine too.)

I feel like retreating into my shell and just lying on my bed all day reading.

And I did. I finished 6 books in the past 4 days and didn't speak to anyone except my family. (Online doesn't count. It's not real interaction until you see their faces and hear their voice.) And I was content.

Being alone is satisfying, in a way that being out and about socializing will never be. In my place and time, it's hard to make true friends anyway. It's rare to find someone who would make the effort to get to know you thoroughly and care for you, despite all your quirks and faults.

But that's ok. It's not like I really make the effort either.

I mean, I have tried but people just call me a nosy parker who hungers for gossip. Oh well. It's the effort that counts, yea?

Anyway, I have nothing to say at the moment. I'm just gonna go lie and my bed and finish another book.

:)

...and wonder if I'm happy now that people think I'm pretty instead of intelligent, like I had always hoped for since I was a young teenager. Was it really worth it? I don't even think I'm exceptionally stunning...conforming to the standards of beauty set by the people around us...no, it doesn't make me feel as good as I thought it would.

However, a person can be both pretty and intelligent, yea?

So here's to my journey of reclaiming my personality. *raises bottle of Vitagen* Cheers.